What is wrong with me???

[Inovermyhead]

My story is posted on the infidelity forum..."Torn between ex-lover and husband." To pretty much sum up the situation, my ex and I were living together for a lengthy period of time, I got pregnant, he was ecstatic (so he acted, and told me), (he was 28, I was 19 almost 20), then he met another "woman." I say woman in quotes because in reality, she had just turned 18. About a month later, he told me to leave his house. A few months thereafter, when I was 5 months pregnant, he asked the other woman to marry him.

 

I gave this man so much of myself. I was ACTING like a wife. I was only 18 when we met, and almost 20 when I left. I worked 2 jobs to help pay for his bills that he had prior to me moving in. I gave him literally 1,000s of dollars for bills he could not pay. When he tossed me out, I was pregnant with HIS child, had to leave my job on the spot (the only place I had to go was my parents which was hours from there), and had only a few hundred dollars left in the bank.

 

Stupidly, I have recently been talking with my ex. No contact in person has been made. All of the old feelings came back, and I am in pain.

 

Why do I do this to myself? I have not spoken with my ex in almost 3 weeks, and he has not tried to contact me. So, why do I feel this sick feeling in my stomach like I lost a beloved one? Many years ago, after everything happened, I was so strong, and knew what was best for our child and myself. Now, it seems, all I want is to talk to him.

 

These are some reasons I SHOULD NOT want him in my life..

 

1. He lied to me, continuously.

2. He betrayed my trust.

3. He abandoned me.

4. He abandoned OUR child.

5. He helped pack my car to move out when he was kicking me out, pregnant with his child.

6. Then, he stood outside and watched me leave.

7. He told me he would fix things, and his fix was marrying another woman and having a child with her only 1 year after making me leave.

 

SO, what am I feeling? Loss, pain, the feeling that I wasn't good enough to keep my child's father and mental anguish. I have since married and had more children, but, my past is killing me. I see all of these new first-time mom's who are with the father (married or not), so happy, and I feel sick. Not sick with jealousy, but sick like I want to cry.

 

I just feel like my ex destroyed me. Maybe it would make him happy to know that, but, I am so tired of living with the pain.

[SpaceCoyote]

Given the extremes you went to for your ex when you were together as well as how you feel now, it seems your ex has always been able to reach deep inside you, hence your continued strong feelings for him so many years later. The feeling that your relationship failed because "you weren't good enough" is very familiar to me, believe me, but you are right about all those reasons you listed, and he isn't worth the anguish you give yourself. Take comfort in your family and the man you are with who does love you.

[moon]

I have seen the book recommended here "He's Just Not That Into You." Well, I have another book, an old classic to recommend to you, "Women Who Love Too Much."

 

I have been reading this book lately and it spells out, explains, diagrams (all of it) these classic cases of women basically ruining their lives for the "love" of a man who doesn't give them the time of day in the end. It makes you feel like you are not alone. It makes you realize you are falling into classic patterns of abuse.

 

It sounds to me (but I can't say this with out knowing I've done the exact same thing) like you didn't have enough healthy boundaries with this guy. Now, I know what you are thinking (I've thought the same thing) that if you had said no, no, no all the times this guy was abusing you, he would have run for the hills and you wouldn't have had a relationship anyway. I know. But realize the way that your relationship with this guy was going (no respect for one another) couldn't have produced a healthy bond in the end.

 

The guy sounds like a total coward. You need to accept that. And realize you like cowards for some reason. Why do you want a guy who'd dump you for somebody else and not stick it out with you? You have his child!! I guess what I am trying to say is (and believe me I'm thinking about this for myself too) is that you and your ex were playing a role in each other's lives and somehow you stayed with a man who treated you with no respect. It sounds like it has been a while since this happened and believe me I'd be thinking the same thoughts. I wouldn't want to be alone either raising a child. But you are. Be happy this guy is gone. It sounds like he would have made your life miserable forever.

 

Good luck in your healing. Try to practice positive affirmations of yourself. At least for you child. So they can see you as a healthy and happy mother and not one who's still dwelling over an ex, who sounds like a real piece of work. You will have to be the "survivor" but there have been many women before you who've had to go through the same thing. Just have patience with yourself. You are in a tough situation---no doubt!!