nyny123 Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I have known this man for 2 weeks now and he told me he really likes me and asked me to be his gf but the thing is I want to wait alittle long to get to know him more and I made all these plans with friends to go away and stuff before I met him but at the same time I wouldn't mind at all to be his gf because it feels so right without a doubt. Also I'm so terrified of getting hurt
veggirl Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 I think it's too soon, yes. It puts too much pressure on a budding relationship, like you are already committing to someone you are just getting to KNOW. I would tell him I am happy to continue dating him and only him and getting to know him but that I take the title pretty seriously and would rather not throw that ontop of things yet. It puts a seriousness on a relationship that has not yet earned it or justified it. 2
Joaquin Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Once upon a time I would have said no, if it's what both people want. These days however I would say commitment between two people is only deserved when they have shown through their actions that they both deserve it. Insta-relationships are a bit like over familiar people, they tend to be around for a short time. 3
Author nyny123 Posted October 6, 2013 Author Posted October 6, 2013 I think it's too soon, yes. It puts too much pressure on a budding relationship, like you are already committing to someone you are just getting to KNOW. I would tell him I am happy to continue dating him and only him and getting to know him but that I take the title pretty seriously and would rather not throw that ontop of things yet. It puts a seriousness on a relationship that has not yet earned it or justified it. Yeah. I did tell him I want to take things slow and I'm trying to myself to not to get hurt again. I'm really feeling him the chemistry is there and I never felt that way before with other men.
soccerrprp Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 To announce that you are bf/gf? Too soon? To declare exclusivity? Too soon? NO. I don't understand the reasoning of not declaring exclusivity b/c you don't know each other well enough yet? What? By declaring exclusivity you make a vocal commitment to one another that you will be spending the coming days, months, whatever to getting to know one another better and NO ONE ELSE. Why and how can you do this if you are not exclusive????? 4
FitChick Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Sounds like he is eager for sex. Don't change your plans with your friends. You want this man to know that your time is valuable and you won't drop everything for him. Later on, maybe. 1
soccerrprp Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Sounds like he is eager for sex. Don't change your plans with your friends. You want this man to know that your time is valuable and you won't drop everything for him. Later on, maybe. Yeah. Don't change your plans with your friends. But you can be exclusive if it suits you both. Also, beware of what FitChick is suggesting at the beginning. Some guys will use the allure of exclusivity to have sex. 2
Author nyny123 Posted October 7, 2013 Author Posted October 7, 2013 Yeah. Don't change your plans with your friends. But you can be exclusive if it suits you both. Also, beware of what FitChick is suggesting at the beginning. Some guys will use the allure of exclusivity to have sex. I'm holding out until I know for sure he is not in it for the sex no matter how badly I want it too lol just being honest. He said he will never pressure me to do anything I don't want to do. You're right about changing plans with friends I definitely won't
KatZee Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 I think calling someone your official bf/gf after a mere 2 weeks is jumping the gun a bit. How much do you even know about each other? The answer is: barely anything. (Even if you think you do) I personally date someone for at least 1-2 months before I even think about taking it to the "we're official" stage. I prefer to take my time getting to know someone, instead of jumping into an "instant relationship." I would rather something evolve naturally, get to know someone at a relatively slower pace, instead of racing right out of the gate. I also think there are certain aspects of people's behaviors that you won't get a chance to see until things happen (ie: fights, struggles, etc). I don't want to jump the gun, be official and then realize that there are serious character flaws of this person. I'd rather know those things first before determining whether or not that person is someone I would be able to be serious with.
todreaminblue Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 i Agree with soccor i think l;ettign soemone know you are exclusively dating them is not such a bad thing....i dont mulit date and i dont date mulit daters....i dotn want to swap saliva with seventy five other people...i like to kiss one person preferrably..i do feel it is too soon to say bf gf.........i take a while before i do decide to date because i only date one at a time i hardly ever get it wrong......because i normally know the person i am going to date......i pretty much feel chemistry can be created even where it was on one side you can create chemistry.......you can build chemistry....but when you enmesh two lives together that arent really compatible thats when it unravels...thats what dating is to me...knitting......seeing if the wool matches and has the right tensile strain to be together....ductile strength to last through many washes.....then its bf gf....if you can join two different lives and know you can work through the wash cycle of life together..lol...ok cheesy......the world is a washing machine though....;0)...deb
Leigh 87 Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 A guy recently asked me to be official after a week of meeting him. Told me he hadn't felt that way before where he instantly thought we could have something, but he was going to go with it. He seemed cool and normal. Not desperate or the type to latch on to just any girl because he "needed" a relationship. Yeah. He disappeared. I didn't over text him or act psycho either. I recommend taking things a bit slower, until he proves to you that he is genuine and that you two legitimately have something. Even if you really like each other and have real feelings, there is NO need to rush into things! If the feelings are there, just have fun with things and do not make things too serious or official until you know for certain.... By the way, this happens all the time to girls; the guy comes on strong only to disappear. There are plenty of nice guys out there though who won't do what this guy did to me, however, there is just not need to rush things:) Let your feelings speak for themselves without making things serious or official I say.... 2
Groundzeroharvester Posted October 7, 2013 Posted October 7, 2013 Two weeks can be fine. Depends if you had enough time to get to know them and develop a strong enough attraction. I usually try and push for about a month, but I have some relationships that started out with two weeks or less. 1
Author nyny123 Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Two weeks can be fine. Depends if you had enough time to get to know them and develop a strong enough attraction. I usually try and push for about a month, but I have some relationships that started out with two weeks or less. I wouldn't mind being this guy's girlfriend. So far I been out with him 3 times. He seems like a good guy and have a good heart. He already have feelings for me but I don't have those feelings for him yet and he considers me his girlfriend. We are pretty much on the same pages when it comes to taking our time to get to each other. I think a month is good to wait to make it official, it gives me time to see whether or not I can be with him.
Skyraider829 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) If you're terrified of getting hurt then don't get involved with the guy. And two weeks is vapor. There's not set rule regarding when to call it "official" but two weeks in my book is way too short. On an ending note, make sure his intentions are honorable. Don't get involved with some douche who wants to get to know you for only "certain reasons". Edited October 8, 2013 by Skyraider829 2
soccerrprp Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 I simply don't understand why 2-weeks to declare exclusivity (bf/gf) is too short? Too short for what? Why? Doesn't make sense to me. It is far more appealing to try to get to know someone that has made a commitment to be with you and only you then allowing him/her freedom to sleep around, mess around, date around. When you decide to be exclusive, you're saying "I only want to get to know you and focus on you." That is absolutely desirable. Call yourself bf/gf or whatever, but if one party objects to that, he/she is essentially saying, I'm not ready to make you my only priority and want to continue looking at other options. That's desirable?????? 2
fujidabruin Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 I simply don't understand why 2-weeks to declare exclusivity (bf/gf) is too short? Too short for what? Why? Doesn't make sense to me. It is far more appealing to try to get to know someone that has made a commitment to be with you and only you then allowing him/her freedom to sleep around, mess around, date around. When you decide to be exclusive, you're saying "I only want to get to know you and focus on you." That is absolutely desirable. Call yourself bf/gf or whatever, but if one party objects to that, he/she is essentially saying, I'm not ready to make you my only priority and want to continue looking at other options. That's desirable?????? People often get caught up in the "appropriateness" when starting a relationship..... like if you do not follow the text book procedure or break rules set out in the manual then the relationship is doomed!!! LOL I think soccerrprp makes a great point here. If the communication is good and there is a certain level of trust already there, then what is wrong with saying you will only focus on each other to see where it goes??? There is no reason why you cannot take things slowly and have perspective within exclusivity. The key is to have an understanding, communicate clearly and respectfully, and keep perspective as well. To nyny123: Having stated my opinion, I am thinking that exclusivity may be putting too much pressure on you at this time. The fact that you say that you "are terrified of having your heart broken" and feel the need to rule out his possible "sex agenda" seems to indicate that you need more time to build trust and comfort in this relationship. Nothing wrong with that either. Good Luck to you
FemmeMystere Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Is exclusivity okay at two weeks? Absolutely. I had a guy ask me to be exclusive on the third date, because "he wasn't interested in dating anyone else." We went on to have a great relationship that ended amicably after a year. There's nothing wrong with deciding early on that you don't want to see other people. The caveat? Don't let it cloud your judgement. As other posters have mentioned, there are many guys who'll use "exclusivity" to manipulate you. A serious, committed relationship takes time to build. Don't let anyone fast-forward you with slick talk. 1
charlietheginger Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 It takes me about 4 5 months of dates and get together before i would consider even making anyone my girlfriend Seems like a long process but its how i see them in life situations angry happy sad hyper moody calm tense relaxed... im in it for stability security companionship not sex or a fling but thats just me 2 weeks isnt enough time to see somones emotions and real self 1
Ajax Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) My girlfriend and I had the exclusivity talk at about the second week mark, and it felt right to me. She was the one who broached the subject, but I'd already been thinking about it myself. But after reading these responses, clearly we were wrong and should have slowed things down a bit. I mean, what were we thinking? I wonder how she'll take it when I tell her we made a mistake. Edited October 8, 2013 by Ajax 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Nah I don't think it's too soon. I was single for about 10 months until I met my now-bf four/five months ago. We made it 'official' a couple of weeks after we started talking, we'd been on about four/five dates and spoken throughout the day every day via text/phone other than those times. To me it is an indication that we want to explore where we could go without dating others, concentrate on each other. It just felt right. We hadn't slept together beforehand, first relationship I've ever had that wasn't preceded by sex! I'd spent the day shadowing one of his best friend's at his job (for my course) who due to his profession and how he was seemed like a pretty trustworthy guy and yeah, everything seemed to add up. It's been four months and it's going really well. I wouldn't say it's 'rushing' per se, it's not like we've discussed a timeline for moving in, marriage, kids, although since then we have both been clear that they are things we want out of our future someday. We just decided we liked each other enough to become bf/gf and explore each other. He's the first guy in nearly a year I liked him so much that I didn't want to go any further without knowing how he felt about me because I didn't want to get invested and end up hurt, and we were communicating a lot. So I just asked how he felt, and he said he really liked me and didn't want to scare me off but he wanted to get together. And I was a little concerned admittedly about speed due to being burnt in the past but went for it and yeah, happy so far But, OP, you have doubts and you want to take it slow. So take it slow, listen to your gut feeling. You don't want to end up committing to somebody in however small a way and having to renege upon that because you rushed. Why not tell him you love the way things are going and would like to discuss it again at around the month or two mark? 1
Author nyny123 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 Two weeks can be fine. Depends if you had enough time to get to know them and develop a strong enough attraction. I usually try and push for about a month, but I have some relationships that started out with two weeks or less. A month is a good idea to wait in my opinion too.
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 It is fine to only want to focus on each other, people do that when they are really into each other. My gripe if making it a serious official thing and getting too heavy and intense. The thing is, I am a hard person to get to know.. Therefore, guys love me initially, think they seem to really act like they have gotten lucky by finding me... Then as soon as I show my quirks and issues, they bail. Better to get to know people first, I say, so you know there are not new behaviours you will exhibit that will have them running. 2
Author nyny123 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 People often get caught up in the "appropriateness" when starting a relationship..... like if you do not follow the text book procedure or break rules set out in the manual then the relationship is doomed!!! LOL I think soccerrprp makes a great point here. If the communication is good and there is a certain level of trust already there, then what is wrong with saying you will only focus on each other to see where it goes??? There is no reason why you cannot take things slowly and have perspective within exclusivity. The key is to have an understanding, communicate clearly and respectfully, and keep perspective as well. To nyny123: Having stated my opinion, I am thinking that exclusivity may be putting too much pressure on you at this time. The fact that you say that you "are terrified of having your heart broken" and feel the need to rule out his possible "sex agenda" seems to indicate that you need more time to build trust and comfort in this relationship. Nothing wrong with that either. Good Luck to you I agree with you both. I was thinking the same thing about you taking things slow in exclusivity. I want to make sure he is not with me for the wrong reasons so I won't have sex until I'm ready. This guy so far been very nice and respectful towards me and isn't pressuring me for sex. 1
veggirl Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 My girlfriend and I had the exclusivity talk at about the second week mark, and it felt right to me. She was the one who broached the subject, but I'd already been thinking about it myself. But after reading these responses, clearly we were wrong and should have slowed things down a bit. I mean, what were we thinking? I wonder how she'll take it when I tell her we made a mistake. Did you even bother reading the reasons people said "no"? Or did you just blow them off automatically because they don't align with what you did?
Leigh 87 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 My girlfriend and I had the exclusivity talk at about the second week mark, and it felt right to me. She was the one who broached the subject, but I'd already been thinking about it myself. But after reading these responses, clearly we were wrong and should have slowed things down a bit. I mean, what were we thinking? I wonder how she'll take it when I tell her we made a mistake. There is nothing wrong with having that talk initially. Me and my recent ex fling had the talk right away. First time we met, we seemed to both be really feeling it and we were quiet close already, not through sex. He felt it to the extent to which he told me on the first time that he wouldn't be comfortable to continue seeing me if I was still online seeking out other potential dates, but he wished me all the best if that was what I wanted. He just wanted to see if I wanted the same thing as he did. I agreed:love: as I felt the same way about him. He is the only guy I wanted to focus on. The problem is getting too intense too early on. Nothing wrong with being exclusive from the first meeting even, since not every one WANTS to meet others when they are really into the current person... No one said anything bad about wanting to focus on one person at a time, and be "exclusive" In Australia we do not even tend to SAY " exclusive". Basically, if two people both seem really into each other, it is assumed, BUT the girl normally asks " so, are you seeing other people? I just want to check we are on the same page" Just make things official of you feel like it, there is NO too short of a time frame to. Just don't have talks about hopes and expectations as yet, wait until your feelings are stronger and things progress NATURALLY, before having any serious discussion about a relationship.
Recommended Posts