The guy friend who rejected me suddenly giving me a lot of attention?

[purplemania]

I met a guy in my college about a year ago. I had a crush on him. We flirted for a month or two, tried dating, and it didn't work out. He friendzoned me (male friendzoning a female ).

 

Surprisingly, we remained really good friends and bonded A LOT over the summer. He started to talk to me about his past relationships, and more intimate things. We've had a lot of one-on-one outings.

 

Well now we're back in school.

 

I've made it clear to him that I got over him, but I've only been able to show him that as of rencetly. I used to be all over him, texting/calling all the time, giving him a lot of compliments.

 

And now I just stopped. I don't see him as "the most perfect guy ever" anymore and I've toned down my behavior. I even playfully tease him at times.

 

Well recently he told me that "sometimes, he misses the "sweet" me" or the girl that used to admire him so much. In my head, I thought "yeah right, you just miss having a fangirl."

 

For the past two weeks now, it's been him doing the texting first. I've been trying to ignore him (not in a mean way, just trying to avoid him more at school and stuff).

 

He was never curious about me or my life before, but now he'll just randomly ask me "what are you up to??" and ask me questions about myself.

 

He'll like and comment on most of my pictures, sometimes saying annoying stuff just to provoke me and get a reaction.

 

Here's the kicker. He texted me this Friday, asking me "If a girl asks you if you have a girlfriend, that's a good sign right??" and when I said yes, he texted back "All riiight!" and I just got a gut feeling that he was doing it to make me jealous and see how I would react.

 

 

 

Loveshack, PLEASE be honest with me.

 

Does he just miss the attention/is this a passing phase? Or could his behavior imply anything more?

[sunrise24]

Hi purplemania. Let's break this down:

 

I used to be all over him, texting/calling all the time, giving him a lot of compliments...

 

... he told me that "sometimes, he misses the "sweet" me" or the girl that used to admire him so much. In my head, I thought "yeah right, you just miss having a fangirl."

Self-explanatory; your thoughts were spot-on.

 

He was never curious about me or my life before, but now he'll just randomly ask me "what are you up to??" and ask me questions about myself.

He only started being interested in you after you got over him friend-zoning you, losing romantic interest in him; this sounds like a classic case of ego-driven behavior.

 

He'll like and comment on most of my pictures, sometimes saying annoying stuff just to provoke me and get a reaction.

More evidence of motivation by ego.

 

He texted me this Friday, asking me "If a girl asks you if you have a girlfriend, that's a good sign right??" and when I said yes, he texted back "All riiight!" and I just got a gut feeling that he was doing it to make me jealous and see how I would react.

This points to an ego boost on his end.

 

A lot has been said about the virtue of going with your gut instinct (remember the days of taking multiple choice tests in school?); this case is no exception.

 

 

Does he just miss the attention/is this a passing phase? Or could his behavior imply anything more?

In summary, based on the information you've given, he misses the attention you used to give him.

[purplemania]

Hi purplemania. Let's break this down:

 

 

 

Self-explanatory; your thoughts were spot-on.

 

He only started being interested in you after you got over him friend-zoning you, losing romantic interest in him; this sounds like a classic case of ego-driven behavior.

 

More evidence of motivation by ego.

 

This points to an ego boost on his end.

 

A lot has been said about the virtue of going with your gut instinct (remember the days of taking multiple choice tests in school?); this case is no exception.

 

 

In summary, based on the information you've given, he misses the attention you used to give him.

 

 

Wow!!!! Thank you for the in-depth analysis!! Do you suppose he'll just learn to deal with this? Or is he actually going to pursue me at all?

[purplemania]

Hi purplemania. Let's break this down:

 

 

 

Self-explanatory; your thoughts were spot-on.

 

He only started being interested in you after you got over him friend-zoning you, losing romantic interest in him; this sounds like a classic case of ego-driven behavior.

 

More evidence of motivation by ego.

 

This points to an ego boost on his end.

 

A lot has been said about the virtue of going with your gut instinct (remember the days of taking multiple choice tests in school?); this case is no exception.

 

 

In summary, based on the information you've given, he misses the attention you used to give him.

 

There's another thing I forgot to add. He'll wrap his arm around me sometimes and lean his head on my shoulder. He used to thoroughly reject this gesture from me.

[sunrise24]

He'll wrap his arm around me sometimes and lean his head on my shoulder. He used to thoroughly reject this gesture from me.

Once again, egocentric behavior at work.

 

As for how he'll deal with the whole ordeal, you'll find out in time.

In the meantime, you can always focus on your own happiness and fulfillment.

 

I'm glad I could help.

[purplemania]

Once again, egocentric behavior at work.

 

As for how he'll deal with the whole ordeal, you'll find out in time.

In the meantime, you can always focus on your own happiness and fulfillment.

 

I'm glad I could help.

 

Thank you so much! The male ego appears to be a tender thing...

[sunrise24]

The male ego appears to be a tender thing...

Been there, done that, used to have "friends" like that.

[purplemania]

Been there, done that, used to have "friends" like that.

 

Was your relationship with them healthy in the end?

[sunrise24]

All those relationships (from before the end of 2011) collapsed; one of them lasted 6 years before I finally decided I had enough of the ego.

Edited October 6, 2013 by sunrise24

[purplemania]

All those relationships (from before the end of 2011) collapsed; one of them lasted 6 years before I finally decided I had enough of the ego.

 

This ego-driven behavior can really last for that long? :/ I really hoped it was just a transitional phase.

[Polak]

Well, it CAN last that long. Doesn't mean it will! But regardless, you will know when you've had enough of the ego. Because it will start to piss you off haha...

 

So, considering he's being a bit of an attention-whore, you can do some of the rejecting now. Don't allow him to lean on you/touch you extensively, and don't reply to texts immediately (or at all). You can even let him know directly what the deal is, and that you don't want him hanging all over you. This is all assuming, of course, that you are indifferent about whether the friendship between you guys continues. But remember what sunrise24 said: "all those [ego-centric] relationships collapsed".

[purplemania]

Well, it CAN last that long. Doesn't mean it will! But regardless, you will know when you've had enough of the ego. Because it will start to piss you off haha...

 

So, considering he's being a bit of an attention-whore, you can do some of the rejecting now. Don't allow him to lean on you/touch you extensively, and don't reply to texts immediately (or at all). You can even let him know directly what the deal is, and that you don't want him hanging all over you. This is all assuming, of course, that you are indifferent about whether the friendship between you guys continues. But remember what sunrise24 said: "all those [ego-centric] relationships collapsed".

 

What if I still care for his friendship? We have grown pretty close in the past year, and I do trust him very much and vice-versa.

 

I guess it's not possible to have my cake and eat it, huh?

[Polak]

Don't listen to anyone here. Bunch of stupid advice.

 

 

The point of a forum is for people to come together and give advice based on past experiences. So it's cool if you have your opinion, but don't bash others cause it sounds like you're claiming superior knowledge of this issue. Just state your opinion and move on.

[Criticality]

All those relationships (from before the end of 2011) collapsed; one of them lasted 6 years before I finally decided I had enough of the ego.

 

Hmmm... Maybe that means you're not the best qualified to give advice on this, and your comments on "ego driven behavior" are a but tainted by past experiences?

 

Purplemania: What do you want out of this? Just a friend? A boyfriend?

 

Don't let "his ego" fool you. It's human nature, that what we can't have is a liiiittle bit more interesting that what's on the plate. When he friend zoned you, that made him a little bit more interesting, just like his interest in you is flamed a little by the fact that you got over him.

 

The fact that you remained friends, means that this could turn into a solid relationship.

 

As for staying just friends, I think there's been a little too much sexual and romantic tension between you for just that.

 

Is it possible he just wants "a fan girl"? It's possible, but that would make him somewhat of a sociopath. You know better than anyone if he has those characteristics. We can't tell just from your description.

 

So where does that leave us? He likes you, you like him, make something out of it.

 

Cause you know what's going to happen next, right? As much as he's pining for you right now, chances are (this being a college and the hormones and occasionally alcohol involved) some girl will fall for him, they'll make out at a party, and as crazy as he is about that awesome Purplemania girl, there's no stronger aphrodisiac than somebody finding you attractive. So they'll hook up, become a couple and you'll immediately find him even more attractive and curse that you didn't do something about it.

So do something.

Now...

[purplemania]

Don't listen to anyone here. Bunch of stupid advice.

 

I'm not saying you should take his offer, but don't listen to this stupid advice.

 

You are obviously very close as friends and he's shared a lot of himself with you.

 

People are weird. All of us.

 

Actually it seems like the roles have been reversed. He's become you and you've become him. Since you're the only one that actually knows in depth about your relationship only you know what to do.

 

Ask him if he's serious. Ask him why his interest in you has changed. Ask him many, many questions. Since you're so close, if he's really interested then he won't mind answering.

 

I'm dying to!!! But I'm so cautious about it. My problem is that I always disrupt the natural process of things by confronting the situation at stake. That's why our dating phase drew to a close in the first place; I went too fast while he had only begun to be interested, leaving no room for curiosity or chase. :/

[purplemania]

Hmmm... Maybe that means you're not the best qualified to give advice on this, and your comments on "ego driven behavior" are a but tainted by past experiences?

 

Purplemania: What do you want out of this? Just a friend? A boyfriend?

 

Don't let "his ego" fool you. It's human nature, that what we can't have is a liiiittle bit more interesting that what's on the plate. When he friend zoned you, that made him a little bit more interesting, just like his interest in you is flamed a little by the fact that you got over him.

 

The fact that you remained friends, means that this could turn into a solid relationship.

 

As for staying just friends, I think there's been a little too much sexual and romantic tension between you for just that.

 

Is it possible he just wants "a fan girl"? It's possible, but that would make him somewhat of a sociopath. You know better than anyone if he has those characteristics. We can't tell just from your description.

 

So where does that leave us? He likes you, you like him, make something out of it.

 

Cause you know what's going to happen next, right? As much as he's pining for you right now, chances are (this being a college and the hormones and occasionally alcohol involved) some girl will fall for him, they'll make out at a party, and as crazy as he is about that awesome Purplemania girl, there's no stronger aphrodisiac than somebody finding you attractive. So they'll hook up, become a couple and you'll immediately find him even more attractive and curse that you didn't do something about it.

So do something.

Now...

 

At this point, having been rejected so much by the same guy, if we stayed friends, it wouldn't be the end of the world for me. But if he asked me out, I wouldn't object either.

 

But won't that make me more unappealing to him if I start chasing after him again and taking action? I've only been withdrawing from him for a little while and that seemed to have worked much better than what I was doing before. I'm just afraid to disrupt his natural attraction process and destroy his curiosity in the process.

 

But also, why does he HAVE to be a sociopath for him to enjoy attention from someone else without there being attraction?

Edited October 9, 2013 by purplemania

[Criticality]

Oh it doesn't make him a sociopath.

Everyone enjoys attention.

It's how much he craves that attention and how he reacts to it that is the difference. But I really don't think it's anything to worry about.

 

The thing is, sooner or later the chase gets too frustrating if nothing happens. But even in relationships, especially the good ones, there's always a bit of chasing and flirting going on.

 

Try asking him out at some point. It's the best way of showing interest in him, and letting you know you're not a lost cause, without chasing after him all over again.

 

What do you mean by "confronting the situation at stake"?

[purplemania]

Oh it doesn't make him a sociopath.

Everyone enjoys attention.

It's how much he craves that attention and how he reacts to it that is the difference. But I really don't think it's anything to worry about.

 

The thing is, sooner or later the chase gets too frustrating if nothing happens. But even in relationships, especially the good ones, there's always a bit of chasing and flirting going on.

 

Try asking him out at some point. It's the best way of showing interest in him, and letting you know you're not a lost cause, without chasing after him all over again.

 

What do you mean by "confronting the situation at stake"?

 

I mean that when I try to figure out if there is something going on and straight up ask the guy, that's where it usually goes down hill for me.

 

I've bruised my own ego so much for this guy (he has literally rejected my advances so many times in the past), that chasing him at this point would mean disrespecting myself and letting him know that I don't have a lot of value because I keep coming back to someone who has made his stance clear in the past. (But that's just the thing; his behavior has changed since then. Our history of rejection has not.)

 

I don't mind giving an occasional embrace or just a little gesture signifying that I feel good around him, but to flat out ask him out seems a little insane.

 

Is there anything I could do to encourage him in his pursuit (that is, if he really does have feelings)?