Should I send this letter? I'm confused.

[UnicornGirl]

Details of the breakup and the underlying problems of it are in the post entitled "Lost my ex through irresponsible behavior ..." in this same forum.

 

I sat down and wrote this after a horrible day. I was up from 2 am - 3 am this morning just crying my eyes out. I just kept thinking about the conversation my ex and I had last Saturday, and the way he's treating me, and the way he never remembers things he said to me. For instance, during Thanksgiving break, he asked where I was, when I'd told him three days earlier that I was coming home.

 

He doesn't include me in things anymore. He's said he doesn't see any way we can be together again, but he's kept the door open a tiny crack in case he wants to come back, in his mind, by saying at the same time that he's not closed off to the idea of having a relationship in the future, because he doesn't know how he'll feel later. He says he finds me "very unattractive" because he feels like I walked all over him in the relationship, and knowing that I'm capable of mistrusting him even though I knew how much it hurt him makes me "very unattractive" to him.

 

I feel like he's falling out of love with me. I read something in a psychology book about separation between people, the difference between "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and "out of sight, out of mind." It said that if the parties spend the time thinking about each other and how wonderful the other is, love grows. But love will die if a person is busy and spends extremely little time thinking about the person. I feel my ex is in this second category but hasn't come to terms with it yet. This may just be my negativity creeping in ... but I feel this may be a revelation as to what's going on.

 

I feel SO stupid for not just doing NC when he said he wanted to break up because then he would have spent more time thinking about me and would have probably wanted to work things out. By being nice, sweet, giving, caring, etc., I think I have done a LOT of damage that is probably irreparable. Instead, when I figured out begging wasn't the way to go, I accomodated him, told him I loved him, spent time with him, etc. I'm so remorseful -- I feel like by being in touch with him, I have ended any chance of us getting back together!!! What do you all think about this?

 

Secondly, I'm thinking of sending this letter to him. Please let me know what you think. Hopefully I'm just in a bad mood and this is not what I will feel later on, as I would prefer that the relationship work. I'm pulling NC with my ex and if he contacts me I haven't decided if I should answer his call or not. I kind of want to ignore him totally and see if he starts thinking of me more, but that's probably just a half-assed attempt at trying to do the NC I should have done in the first place. He would have come back, I'm almost sure.

 

Here is the letter. Reading the other post I wrote, which is also very long will explain things. Though I know a lot of you I've been communicating with have read it. Maybe I'll look back on this later and laugh, but do you all think I should send it? Or wait and see what happens? Here it is:

 

 

"I thought about what you said when we talked last. I think I realize what's going on. You're not in love with me anymore.

 

"You spend very, very little time thinking about me, and you stay busy to avoid thinking about me or missing me. You said yourself that you rarely think about us breaking up. You welcome any barrier to us spending time together, such as having work to do, not having easy access to a car, etc. because it is an opportunity for you to escape seeing me or spending time with me. All the signs are present -- you say you don't want to see me very often anymore, you forget things I've said to you and I'm constantly reminding you of things you said that you have no recollection of. You've effectively deleted me from your life, and because of that I suspet you are no longer feeling love for me and you are thinking of me less and less.

 

"Your telling me to move on with my life is a way of you pushing me away, a way of trying to get me not to love you or want to be with you anymore, so that you can be with a new person and enjoy your new life without me to the fullest. By saying this you have guaranteed yourself a good position to be in when someone new comes along, or when you decide you'd rather never speak to me again -- you'll be in a blameless position, a position where you could say "Well, I told you to proceed as if we would never be together again, so it's your fault that you're hurt now that I'm with a new girl, since you didn't move on as I recommended."

 

"I was always prepared for this to happen. I was pretty sure that one day you wouldn't love me anymore. What will happen now is that you will find someone new to be with. You're most likely already dating, considering, checking out the prospects for a new, fulfilling, exciting love. How is this possible from the guy that pledged the world to me? Easy. I'm "no longer attractive to you" as you said Saturday. It's a bit ironic because you always said you only loved me and didn't want anyone else -- however, your excuse for that will probably entail something similar to what you said recently -- that any promises you made or things you said to me before came from a time when you were "in a different mindset," and that you've now changed your mindset and things are different.

 

"I wanted to let you know I understand how things are. I'm only sorry that I gave my love so freely to you when I always felt like this was going to happen in the end. I love you, but I don't believe your pitch for friendship is genuine. It seems only temporary to me. When you stop thinking about someone, and you tell yourself they're a monster, and you tell yourself that you don't love them anymore, and you spend time with new people, writing firey opinions to the school newspaper and political blog, go out to the sophomore night at the clubs, spending some one-on-one time with the wonderful women all around you, you don't love that beautiful girl you promised everything to anymore. You've washed away years of promises and dreams in an instant.

 

"You're probably feeling rejuvenated, refreshed, happy, and like a brand-new person. I've finally realized why you won't give me a try -- it's not because you're afraid I'll hurt you again, it's because you don't love me anymore. I'm a fool to think that you EVER think of me except when you're feeling stupid for "letting me walk all over you."

 

"I am only sorry that I chose to give so much to a person that would do this to me. That is, to quote you, "capable" of something as horrible as this. I only regret that. And I regret believing all you said, trusting you with my heart and my soul, when all it took for your promises to disappear, for you to drop me, for you to act like the "typical guy" you always promised you weren't . . . was "a change of mindsets."

 

------

[smile]

I used to be a firm beliver in letters like that. They never worked. But I dont know maybe it was just the guys I was with.

 

The big issue I have with the letter is that you are telling him that you know how he feels. You assume he feels a certain way and you judge him accordingly. I know this whole exbf exgf thing is a crazy game and there is so much hurt and stuff there. I have just learned that even if you know whats up... he has to come to realize it.

 

You may know him better than he knows himself right now. But pointing out in a letter is only going to make him angry. And it will be that much longer until he is able to really look at himself and what he has done.

 

Another thing is the way you put yourself down. You werent stupid for thinking it could work again. You were hopeful that the person you loved and shared so much with would come around. Don't be too hard on yourself... you did nothing wrong. You just tried to follow his lead.

 

If you need to send it.. send it to yourself or a friend.. someone who will burn it or keep it for later when you are older and married.. it could provide a good laugh.

 

You are angry and frustrated... thats great. I mean it is because its a step. You certainly sound like you feel empowered. I dunno .. I dont want to sound all know it all like, I am just saying thats what I see.

 

keep writing.. let it out sister!

[pancakepalace]

I don't think you should send it.

 

You need to NC now and stop agonizing about what he is or might be thinking. Falling out of love is a legitimate feeling on his part and he was honest with you. There is nothing wrong with that. It is not a 'typical guy' thing, girls guys women and men can fall out of love for many reasons.

 

Your letter feels sarcastic and looks like you are blaming him for many things. You should be happy if he is having a nice time. This is good. You don't want to be with someone who isn't happy.

 

You already know how he feels about you by his actions. No need to put it in words to him. He also knows.

 

This letter will get you absolutely nowhere. You'll just regret it. I'm sure writing it is helpful, but now it's time to move on.

 

NC is the right thing to do. I will make you stronger and augment the chances of you getting back together.

 

You should be doing all the things you think he is doing. Having fun and moving on.

 

Stop worrying. If he doesn't come back it is because he doesn't love you anymore and you don't want to be with someone like that. You also don't want him back because he would feel pity from your letter.

 

Anyhow, you aren't ready to have him back. You are an emotional wreak. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

 

Good luck!

pel

[Charlane]

NO, NO, NO! Do not write to him, do not call him, nothing. NADA. Keep your self respect. He should be trying to get back in your good graces and not the other way around.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You're not telling him anything he probably doesn't already know - and probably doesn't care about either, unfortunately.

 

Writing is therapeutic. Write everything you've ever wanted to say to him. Pour it out - cry, scream, yell and get angry. Write scathing, accusatory letters - write weepy sentimental ones. Once you get a nice stack, burn them. Make it a ritual if you like, but purging your pain is like lancing a huge infected boil. It hurts like hell during the process, and will itch and hurt as its healing. You may even have second thoughts thinking it would be less painful to just let it fester underneath your skin. But... once you get it out from underneath your skin, you don't keep the remnants or the nasty bandages. You throw them out and let yourself heal. One day you'll realize you don't even remember exactly where the scar is...

 

Your letters can be the process of getting out that pain, that uncertainty, that anger ... they are part of your personal healing process. Never, ever meant to be shared with the person you are focusing on though. It will just make it worse.

[NiCoLe20]

i agree , i wouldnt write him a letter...give him some time to see if he comes around w/o contacting him at all... if he really cares and misses you he will set aside the time to contact you. let him do his thing while you do urs and if its meant to be it will happen...theres no time limit so see what happens... i wouldnt write him a letter it may come off as you kind of obsessing over the situation

[Weird]

Don't send it.

 

You really need to just give the guy space and go NC style or something.

 

I beg you not to send it because it'll lead to nothing positive in the situation.

[UnicornGirl]

OK. Good advice. I'm doing no contact. When he calls though, what do I do?

 

He doesn't like the idea of not seeing me anymore and wants me to stay in his life, but has said I should proceed as though we won't get back together.

 

The problem is, if I proceed in this manner I will have to give him back all of his stuff and throw out all of the things he's given me. That's years of letters, mementos, everything, literally a third of my room at home.

 

I am just confused, I guess, because he is staying in touch with me. If I ignore him, he starts upping the contact we have together and writing me random e-mails. He has made no effort to "get over me" -- all my numbers are on his phone . . . I don't know if he's thrown out all of our stuff or the picture of me he used to keep on his desk or all of the pictures on his computer, but I suspect he hasn't. The only chance of him not doing those things comes from me backing off.

 

My therapist says that it is important that I don't let him define everything, because that's an extremely unhealthy friendship, and that he is getting all of the power. The only power I seem to have right now is gained from ignoring him, so I should do that.

 

I also think I need to stop blaming myself for not doing NC at the beginning. I wanted to show him that I truly loved him, and I think I've accomplished that -- I stopped being needy, I haven't been jealous, possessive, have done nothing to "get back" at him. I've spent positive experiences with him and gotten good feedback, I think I just started expecting too much and tried to define things. Doing that was OK though, and I need to forgive myself for that. I can't blame myself for his feelings or behavior.

 

He's showing a pretty big weakness in not letting go of me and wanting to maintain contact. It's also pretty weak of him to insist that he's saying "right now," and that though he doesn't expect his feelings to change, there's a chance they might. If he were really leaving for good, he'd not want to see me anymore.

 

Notice that the only time he says negative things about the relationship that are definitive and cruel-sounding are on the PHONE. Weak.

 

I haven't seen him since December 6. There's a chance he could come see me on his way home a week from now, I know he's going to contact me this weekend. I may invite him to stop by if we talk but that's all the talking I'll do, 5 minutes to get the plans sorted out for next week, tops.

[Charlane]

He is playing with your mind and playing cat and mouse at the same time. He doesn't know what he wants so make up his mind for him and tell him that since you are broken up that he needs to move on with his life so that you can get on with yours. Otherwise, he is going to keep stomping on your self respect and he knows it each and every time that you give him that invitation or allow him to talk to you to stay in your life. You do not need a game player like that. Find a REAL MAN.

 

Don't wimp out. He might grovel. Let him. He deserves to after hurting you like that.

[Cabras]

I have started doing something I never thought I could after my breakup. I leave home without my cell phone. I know it seems stupid, but it is an act of defiance. When she has called me and I hear that ring...I just lose all strength. I have to answer.. Just to hear her voice. She called one day while I was working out and didn't leave a message. I wanted to call her back SOOOOOO bad, but I managed not to. What if my phone was off? If it was important enough, she would leave a message. Sure enough, she was asking my friends about me a day later.

 

I broke down and called her once and I don't regret it, but I know it could have given her that reminder that she still has her hooks in me. Back to step 1 now.

 

As far as you begging, trying, etc at first, I don't think it is the worst thing possible. It certainly gives him something to compare you to now. Why did she stop calling? Why isn't she still available all the time?

 

If he really wanted you out of sight, out of mind, he would have forced complete no contact on YOU! This is your choice, be prepared for him to ask why you aren't talking to him. What are you going to tell him? My ex hasn't asked me, but she asks everyone else about me. When she does ask I will have to explain that this is what I need to move on. I have actually practiced saying that in my head because I know my heart would betray me in a second.

 

-Best Wishes

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Unicorn,

 

you sound a lot better in your last post than in the beginning. What happened in between? Did you speak to your therapist?

 

It seems like you already made up your mind about the letter, but I just want to chum in and also tell you not to send it. It would just make you seem pathetic and like an emotional wreck, and he might get reinforced in his believe that you are not good for him.

 

As you know I am in a very similar situation and am struggling with the same issues every day.

 

Today is day 12 of my NC and every day is hard, but also a bit liberating. I am constantly falling from one deep emotion into the next. One moment I want to tell him to leave me alone for good because I deserve better, the next I want to tell him that I love him and am happy to be only his friend if that's what he wants.

 

Point I am trying to make is that I feel differently every day or even hour. If I sent a letter while I am in mood I would probably regret it when I feel differently again.

 

Therefore I think you should just try to not talk to him too much right now. Dont initiate contact and if he contacts you, which I am sure he will, try to not answer for some days. And when you do, try to sound casual and light.

 

It sounds like you are very confused with what his feelings towards you are, and boy I know the feeling.

 

I believe that the fact that he contacts you and wants you in his life means that he still cares about you. Even his being angry at you is a good sign in a way, because the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

 

Dont beat yourself for having been in contact with him and not done NC straight out. You dont know what would have happened, he might be further away by now emotionally.

 

Are you really only 19?

 

Do you have that book "He is just not that into you?" I got it in Montreal a few days ago, and that one chapter about "him breaking up with you" is a great inspiration to me.

 

When I feel bad about not contacting him or answering his messages, I reread this chapter and I feel so much better.

 

It basically says that if he does not ask you to get back together, then he choses every day to not be with you, and you therefore should not feel guilty about not contacting him, but only good.

 

Cut him loose, let him miss you, make him see what life without you is like. Have some pride! Works for me every time I read it.

 

I hope you are feeling better, and I will keep track of your posts.

 

Best Wishes

[Gottabestrong]

HI Unicorngirl,

 

how are you doing? You have not posted for a while, I hope that means you are just too busy having fun and therefore had no time to post here.

 

Would love to hear an update on your sitution.

 

Love,

 

GBS