Moved abroad for him, now it's over?!?

[TrappedWanderer]

Hi All,

 

I've been lurking here for the past few days, trying to find answers/solace...and maybe just not feel so alone.

 

I married my husband 45 days ago, and already it's over. I'm 31 years old and have known my husband for 11 years, with the last 2 being of a romantic nature. We have been conducting a long-distance relationship (US and France) for this time while I was finishing grad school. He wasn't the man I would have thought I would have fallen in love with, but it made it all the better that I really did fall in love with my best friend. I'm a very private person, and it was so amazing to be able to be so open and totally myself with someone.

 

We had a ceremony in the US with both of our families present and it was a great day (I'm not big on being the center of attention, so we kept it small) and then moved to France with the intention of simply signing the papers a few days later to make it official/legal. I finished grad school, packed up everything I own, said goodbye to family and friends, and excitedly moved here to start my new life with my new husband. I've lived abroad all over the world, so I wasn't anything new.

 

Within a few hours of us landing and checking into the temporary apartment we'd rented, my brand new husband said he didn't want to go through with the legal paper signing as we had discussed and planned-that he wanted a HUGE second wedding. It turns out this is what his parents wanted and he just had never told me. When I had reservations about this sudden change (I hadn't even changed clothes from the plane yet), he EXPLODED, yelling, screaming, calling me names. He continued to do this all night long, while proceeding to get drunk (he's not a drinker). I was stunned. Felt like I'd been hit by a tornado. I didn't know which end was up. How could this anger-filled monster be the person I had JUST married and committed my life to?? I didn't recognize him.

 

After talking with 2 of my best, level-headed friends, I tried to work things out for myself. And with him. He'd calm down for a bit, then out of nowhere explode. This cycle continued for about a week and a half. Something was clearly wrong. I begged him to talk with someone, see a doctor...something. He finally did and got some anti-anxiety medication, which seemed to calm him down. But he only took it for a couple of days. I asked him to go to a marriage counselor, and he did, but was uncommunicative and only would go twice.

 

I tried to make sense of things from every angle. I gave him some time and space. I kept calm and wasn't accusatory. We've had a good last week or so, but today he crossed a line. While talking about things, he went from being almost checked out and unfeeling, to enraged, throwing things, screaming vicious names, and just being cruel. I told him to leave when he was punching the couch I was sitting on and he clipped my ear. He wouldn't go until I said I was calling the police (hard to do in a foreign language, ha).

 

So now I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life. It's obviously over between him and I. He's acting like a child, refuses to take responsibility for anything, and sticks his head in the sand, only to come out with swords drawn. It's particularly hard as it's been such a short time-no honeymoon period to look back on fondly-and that I've given everything in order to move myself and all of my things-things that were meant to start our home together-and I'm not legally allowed to remain here for much longer. So I have nowhere to go and no way to support myself. He also owes me a lot of money, so I truly am stuck until he gives me that.

 

Sorry for the long post. If you're still reading-thanks. I just feel so alone-physically and emotionally. Friends say just forget him, he's a jerk-but when you've just put everything you have into this person-JUST-and he throws it back at you, it's kinda hard to just snap my fingers and move on.

 

Thanks for listening. Any suggestions or advice would be so very appreciated.

[wavejumper]

Hi TW, my heart goes out to you, this is a really an awful situation. I was in something very similar and I stayed in it for years until i was in a position to get out. I hope you don't lose as many years as I did in such an untenable reality.

 

Do you have any support or contacts in France, Europe? Is there somewhere you can stay back at home until you can get on your feet? Believe me, it is better to cut your loses now, it will only get worse...You have to be wise on how you proceed from here on out in order to do this in the least dramatic/harmful fashion--you will have time to mourn later, right now you have to take care of YOU and get your ducks in a row.

 

I know you had high hopes/dreams, but clearly, this is not what you signed up for. Forget the money he owes you (for now) and get out. You must reassert your power because right now you are dependent upon him and his family for everything, and as long as it is that way, you will continue to be subjected to his abuse.

 

I hope others here can give you some more insights. Best to you.

[Buck Turgidson]

You've known him for 11 years and he's never, ever behaved this violently and irrationally before? I would have him checked by a neurologist. There may be something seriously, medically wrong with him. It would be wrong to simply walk out on a husband without eliminating that possibility.

[wavejumper]

I also want to add regarding whether it's legal for you to stay there or not. Do you have your marriage license with you? You are legally married to a French national, and that will give you some rights, but you probably needed to register that info with the French consulate before you left-you may still be able to register that while in France. You should get some legal advice regarding this should you want to stay irregardless of what you decide to do with your marriage.

 

You could visit the US consulate and see if they have any leads for you for counsel/advice. There are probably support groups for ex pats who could also help. Do your research. And, in the meantime...

 

Be very wise and get yourself in a better position to take back your power!

[Yarrow]

Hi All,

We had a ceremony in the US with both of our families present and it was a great day (I'm not big on being the center of attention, so we kept it small) and then moved to France with the intention of simply signing the papers a few days later to make it official/legal. I finished grad school, packed up everything I own, said goodbye to family and friends, and excitedly moved here to start my new life with my new husband. I've lived abroad all over the world, so I wasn't anything new.

 

When I had reservations about this sudden change (I hadn't even changed clothes from the plane yet), he EXPLODED, yelling, screaming, calling me names. He continued to do this all night long, while proceeding to get drunk (he's not a drinker). I was stunned. Felt like I'd been hit by a tornado. I didn't know which end was up. How could this anger-filled monster be the person I had JUST married and committed my life to?? I didn't recognize him.

 

Am I reading this right? You did a ceremony, but no papers have been signed, so you are not legally married. This is good.

 

Get out of there as fast as you can. He may have had a stroke (Possible, but unlikely). Or he may have always had this in him, but he had to wait until he got you away from your support network before taking the mask off (Very common story). Your safety comes first, no matter what. If his family is in France, they can get him to a doctor. If it's an emotional issue, you can talk it out later, but get yourself out of danger into a safe place with people who can look after you first. Right now you are at his mercy. And don't sign any marriage papers until you can get him sorted out.

[TrappedWanderer]

@Buck-well, that's what I was concerned with too...that something drastic was going on, and I've been worried about him for that reason. I've learned a LOT more about him in these past 40 some odd days. He has one good friend (she's a social worker) that had offered to talk with me (so I at least had someone to talk to and get out of the apartment). Apparently he's been like this before in his other relationships. Not necessarily the violent bursts of anger (only those ex's of his would know that, I suppose) but the inability to handle disagreement or commitment. She actually said to me-TW, you're going to have to be the strong one in this relationship, because he's like a child-unable to process or handle things.

 

@wave-thanks. I know I need to leave, but unfortunately I simply can't afford to without the financial aspect being resolved. Having been a grad student this past bit has left me with loans and I just spent any other funds I might have had on wedding and moving expenses. Haven't even gotten the wedding photos back yet-ha. Also, because he lost it right after we landed, we never got legally married here. So I'm technically just a tourist. Which is a problem as far as employment, health, security and stability are concerned.

 

What's hard is that I do love the person I married, but he's no longer that person. Honestly, it's like Jekyll and Hyde. And I keep trying to get him some help, but it doesn't WANT it. He's hurt me SO many times...and unfortunately his family is pretty awful, so they just make things worse. I'm positive his mother has a mental disorder, and I wouldn't be surprised now if there was something mentally happening with my DH. But I also need to watch out for myself. He keeps flying into rages. Screaming, calling me really vicious names and saying cruel things.

 

I'd said let's take the next 10 days-to put a timeline on it-and give things a true, honest go. Things were good as long as we didn't come close to talking about any of the problems going on. But he got mad when he wanted to sleep with me and I wasn't totally feeling it (would you, after having been called a f#$#ing b$%ch over and over again?!?) and wanted to wait until we'd talked about where things were going.

 

I'm stuck here, looking at my stupid wedding dress hanging up...all the things I packed to bring here to start our home together with....and it just breaks my heart. I made a commitment and didn't make it lightly, but it takes two people to want to be in a relationship...something he is making clear he doesn't want.

 

I'm just so devastated that all of those hopes and dreams have been tossed away...seemingly very carelessly. I thought he was my best friend. I thought there was real love and affection there. And I was obviously so so wrong. I just feel humiliated and embarrassed and alone.

[TrappedWanderer]

@Yarrow-yes, that's it exactly. We're not legally married, as that was supposed to happen just after we'd arrived.

 

That's what some friends keep saying, as well. Just get out. I guess I've just felt like as soon as I leave, it is OVER. So I stayed, trying to give it a shot. I was willing to give him more time, alone if need be, to deal with his issues...but according to him, he doesn't have any.

 

I feel so stupid-how could I not have seen this?! How could I have misjudged things so badly??

[Yarrow]

@Buck-well, that's what I was concerned with too...that something drastic was going on, and I've been worried about him for that reason. I've learned a LOT more about him in these past 40 some odd days. He has one good friend (she's a social worker) that had offered to talk with me (so I at least had someone to talk to and get out of the apartment). Apparently he's been like this before in his other relationships. Not necessarily the violent bursts of anger (only those ex's of his would know that, I suppose) but the inability to handle disagreement or commitment. She actually said to me-TW, you're going to have to be the strong one in this relationship, because he's like a child-unable to process or handle things.

 

Big red flag! This is not going to change. He's a child who is bigger than you and is going to swear and throw things at you when he doesn't get his way. How long is it going to take before the hitting, choking, and raping starts?

 

I feel so stupid-how could I not have seen this?! How could I have misjudged things so badly??

 

Don't worry about this now. It's happened to women far more intelligent than you, smart as you are. Your safety is priority number 1! I cannot emphasize this enough. You can do all the analysis in the safety of your home country later. Find out of the US consulate is still active with the government shutdown. Hide your passport before he gets a hold of it. Don't worry about the financials. You never signed anything, so your financials are not tied to his and you won't have to pay a lawyer to extract yourself. Keep it that way. I know it sounds insensitive to someone who still has student loans, but it's just money. You can make more. But you can't make any money if you are dead or maimed. Get out get out get out!

 

Watch this video. I thought of it as soon as I read your story.

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Video on TED.com

[HorseLuck]

I agree with Yarrow. Get out of there asap. You will have time to ponder all of the ins and outs of the relationship later. You're not at fault, consider this an early sign.

[littlejaz]

I agree with most of the advice you have been given here. Get out now. But you can probably forget about the money he owes you, I doubt you will ever see it, so you need to act as if you will never see that money. Get yourself back home anyway you can.

 

Don't get down on yourself. We cannot ever know everything about a person and that is true even for people who have been married for 20-30-50 years. It is not your fault that he never showed you this side of himself and there is no need to blame yourself for not seeing it. You just need to look ahead and take care of yourself.

[TrappedWanderer]

Thanks, all, for your suggestions and advice. I guess the thing I'm most struggling with is that it's been such a short period of time. I put so much time, energy...hopes and dreams into this new adventure of married life, and then, suddenly, it was all yanked away from me. In a foreign country, no less.

 

Before grad school, I had planned on moving abroad again...and I still want to remain abroad for a few years. It's unsettling, frustrating, and nerve-racking to go from "honey, take a month or two off-you've been so busy with school, the wedding, and the move, you deserve a break" and beginning a new part of life as a team, to having my heart broken, my trust shaken, money taken, and now facing real issues with where I'm even allowed to stay. I have about 3 more weeks to remain here in France.

 

I know in my head that I need to move on, should be happy I don't have kids with him or am even legally tied to him yet, but it's all just so sad and happened SO fast. My head is spinning. I thought I had finally found that person that would be my partner, my teammate...and that's not easy for me, I'm an independent girl.

 

I spent today trying to look into my options, see where I'm at, etc. Anytime I've started to get emotional, I pull myself back into trying to find an action plan. But it's night time now and, probably not surprising to you all, that seems to be the hardest part.

 

I'm not upset over the person DH turned out to be-that's a mean, vindictive person with some escalating problems, and I know I need more than he has now shown me he's able to give...I deserve more. But, in my heart, it's hard just to toss away 11 years of friendship and a new marriage-I meant what I said in my vows, every word. That's all pretty hard to just forget about.

 

Maybe if I had a job and wasn't fresh out of grad school ( I graduated 5 days before our wedding)...maybe if I had friends/my own life here, it would be easier. But I was so so looking forward to this new life with him...or who I thought he was, anyway. It's just hard to process that it's all changed so drastically this fast, ya know?

 

I didn't contact him today and haven't spoken with him since he violent outburst yesterday. But it's hard. I go from not caring, to being angry, to being sad. I'm an intelligent girl but man, matters of the heart-they really know how to hit, don't they?

 

I'm trying my best but it's still very very early days here and it's not always easy.

 

The finances DO make it hard....my mom already gave me money that was spent on the wedding, so I just can't ask her for anything more (she's a teacher, and they aren't exactly rolling in it, ha). And I shipped 18 (small) boxes of stuff here to begin our new home with, and that's a big expense, to have to send back now. Money, quite frankly, I don't have until DH gives me what he owes me.

 

I'm embarrassed and humiliated and hurt. And just sad. Confused and sad that my best friend could do this.

 

Sorry, not trying to sound pathetic...like I said, nights bring out the emotion of it all for me.

 

Thanks for listening all.

[TrappedWanderer]

So I've been doing so research...and I think he's a compulsive liar.

 

Does anyone have any experience with that?

 

Every account I've read about that describes him to a T. Never owning up to things, telling grandiose stories, lying about things both big and small. And when they get caught, they deny it and try to turn it around. I don't trust a single word he says....even though it hurts to just write it all off like that. In the past, I'd always chalked up his dramatic stories ("this is THE MOST famous...THE BEST"...etc etc about every little thing) as being melodramatically french. I guess I know better now. Hindsight always is 20-20, isn't it? I've discovered so many lies in these past few weeks of what you could laughably call my marriage....I guess I just wish I'd at least gotten a few weeks of happiness to look back on, after all the excitement that went into looking forward to this time in our lives together.

 

Anyway, it gave me some small solace knowing that he will likely never change, so me staying longer would do no good and only hurt myself more. I really appreciate the words of support here...it's a lonely and painful time. I have a couple of good friends that know and have been good about checking in and listening, but it's hard when they're so far away and not having experienced this kind of thing themselves, ya know? The posts really do help, so thanks all.

[littlejaz]

Yeah, he may be a compulsive liar, it seems to be quite common. But at this point it really doesn't matter. You know you need to get out. Have you talked to the American consulate to find out your options in staying? I have never been abroad so know nothing about that part of your situation.

 

I do understand the pain. We have all felt it. Your case is a little different in that it happened so quickly, but again it really doesn't matter. This is the situation you find yourself in. You will have time to grieve later, but right now you have got to get a plan of action before you find yourself in legal trouble for staying too long. I bet your mother will help get you home. If you have to leave the "stuff" so be it. You can replace stuff later. Just don't get yourself into trouble.

 

I know how much the posts on here help so I hope you are reading other people's journeys. Like you said you are a smart girl and you will get through this. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[TrappedWanderer]

I was doing ok-in action mode-until he called yesterday. I know, I shouldn't have answered. But I'm literally here completely alone..you start to go crazy without anyone to talk to. He was cold and unfeeling and wanted to know when I was leaving. When I told him I was trying to figure things out (this just got decided on Sunday afternoon...in a rather violent manner, at that), he got pissed off. Umm, HE has no reason to be mad...except that as long as I'm here, he has to face he screwed up and that I know he's a liar and an emotional abuser. And he can't handle that.

 

I talked with my mom after....and that just opened the floodgate of emotions that I had been trying to keep at bay. Was up pretty much all night crying

 

Today I went to see the therapist we had gone to twice. It was good just to talk with someone in person. She said what everyone has now been saying-it's him that screwed up and clearly has some major issues. I shouldn't feel ashamed or stupid or humiliated ("you went into this with integrity and put your whole self into it...now it's time to take care of you"). I know that in my head...but man, it's hard. I hate him, but I love him...or at least the part of him I fell in love with.

 

I contacted a few lawyers and mediators, though not sure I have much standing, since we were never legally married. I am getting the serious short end of this stick. And I hate that. I also found out during our phonecall yesterday that he has now gotten into a MUCH better work situation, including a large increase in salary...something I had majorly supported him with. And that just makes me mad. His life is just getting better for him, while mine is in shambles...because of him.

 

Sorry, it's just really hard...I go from angry to scared to sad to determined in a blink of an eye. I just want to wake up and have it be all over...

[Criticality]

So...

 

Let me get this straight. The man you thought you knew has turned out to pretty much anyone's worst nightmare, you're in a new country (do you speak French? If you needed to go to, say an abused women's shelter, would you know how, and what the system works like? I assume you don't have a European healthcard since you're not legally married?), everyone is telling you to leave, and you sit around calling lawyers and weighing your options?

 

Seriously?

 

What would you tell any of your friends if she described the same situation? You'd tell her what everybody else is telling you. Leave. Now. Don't bring anything you can't have in one suitcase.

 

I wouldn't take my chances right now, that he wouldn't also be capable of physically hurting you. Would you?

 

I'm from Europe, and if its not that hard to find a one way flight to New York for under 500$ Let me know if you need help. I assume you know somebody who have creditcard with at least 500$ on it? Grad student or not. If so, you need to get in touch with that person. The US embassy can also help you get funds transferred.

 

Just go. Now.

[Criticality]

And yes, I'm sure there'll be a lot of healing and soul searching etc. Later.

 

Needless to say, your life took a left turn similar to what someone who just got diagnosed with cancer. Or lost a relative.

 

Tell you what, if you make a thread about it when you come home, I'm sure everyone will read and contribute.

 

But right now isn't the time or place for that. Right now you should just leave while you still can.

[Yarrow]

The finances DO make it hard....my mom already gave me money that was spent on the wedding, so I just can't ask her for anything more (she's a teacher, and they aren't exactly rolling in it, ha). And I shipped 18 (small) boxes of stuff here to begin our new home with, and that's a big expense, to have to send back now. Money, quite frankly, I don't have until DH gives me what he owes me.

 

Say goodbye to that money. He's never giving it back. The whole idea is to keep you helpless. Frankly, he probably thinks he owns you and your money anyways. If I had a daughter in the situation you were in, I would beg, borrow, or steal whatever I could to get you home. Don't make your mother fly over there to rescue you. Every day you stay over there is another day she has to worry about you. This is a bona fide emergency. Stop worrying about money and stuff.

 

I contacted a few lawyers and mediators, though not sure I have much standing, since we were never legally married. I am getting the serious short end of this stick. And I hate that. I also found out during our phonecall yesterday that he has now gotten into a MUCH better work situation, including a large increase in salary...something I had majorly supported him with. And that just makes me mad. His life is just getting better for him, while mine is in shambles...because of him.

 

Doesn't matter, get out!

 

So...

 

Let me get this straight. The man you thought you knew has turned out to pretty much anyone's worst nightmare, you're in a new country (do you speak French? If you needed to go to, say an abused women's shelter, would you know how, and what the system works like? I assume you don't have a European healthcard since you're not legally married?), everyone is telling you to leave, and you sit around calling lawyers and weighing your options?

....

 

Just go. Now.

 

Bears repeating. The lawyers have nothing to do with this. You're not in a situation where you have time to wrangle. Besides, it sounds like you're there on a tourist visa. I know nothing about immigration law in France, but there are some countries where it is a big no-no to come on a tourist visa with the intention of marrying a national. Many countries hate marriage fraud and France isn't known for being immigrant-friendly. My cousin lives in the USA and was marrying someone from out-of-country. They looked into bringing her to the USA and if they had brought her on a tourist visa and gotten caught, the penalty was 2 years' jail time. Don't even go there. I'm not sure the local authorities would be all that sympathetic to you. Take what you can carry and get the h*ll out of there!

 

I know you're mad. I know you feel cheated. You think he should make it up to you on principle. He's a compulsive liar and a probably a sociopath, so he won't and you lose precious time trying to make him.

 

Please let us know when you have gotten home safe.

 

I know your feel upset that your dream and future are shattered, but I think you're lucky. You found out before you got legally married. You don't have children with him that you would be forced to leave behind in order to escape. Scrape $500 together for that one-way ticket and leave this all behind you. Heck, pack your suitcase this minute and fly standby if you have to. I guarantee you'll feel better once you are on your side of the ocean with your family around you.

Edited October 9, 2013 by Yarrow

[wavejumper]

TW, checking in to get an update. please let us know how you are doing

[TrappedWanderer]

Thanks for asking.

 

We had a meeting with a mediator today. We first presented our positions in a room together, then separated and discussed things with the mediators.

 

Basically, I spent the entire day crying, much to my embarrassment. I know he felt empowered by my tears.

 

Ultimately, I ended up asking just for my 50% of the wedding costs, like we had always agreed to. I didn't ask for costs for shipping things back home, a return ticket, lost income, etc. Just what we had originally and always agreed to. Well....he says I'm not understanding him. I'm not taking responsibility and I'm being unreasonable.

 

I could tell the mediators felt sorry for me (though they remained neutral). After an all-day back and forth, he gave me all of 200 euros, and said he may give me a bit more. We finally got him to agree to meet again on Tuesday to finalize things, in writing (which is a legally binding document). I don't expect I'll get what I should (a significant amount more), but I'm hoping for at least enough funds to be able to ship my things to my moms and leave this toxic environment.

 

He called me tonight, and I stupidly answered. After he berated me for a good 10 minutes, I asked that he only communicate via email or text, as we had agreed upon. I followed this up with an email, stating what had been discussed. I also found out that his family has been emailing mine, trying to make them feel sorry for my "poor brother/son (aka my stbxh)"...ha. My family hasn't responded to them and their ridiculousness.

 

I KNOW I need to leave. I absolutely want nothing more to do with this man. But at the same time, it's hard. He's been the person I've gone to and relied upon for a long time now. I need to pack up all of the things I brought here meant to start our home. My wedding dress and the cards and gifts and pictures torture me. How can he have gone from pledging to love me forever just 52 short days ago, to being this cruel monster I no longer recognize??

 

The positive thing is that I have begun to tell my friends and family back home. Difficult and embarrassing, but necessary. I had 2 good friends skype with me for a long time today, and it was just nice to feel backed-up and supported. That's really what good friends do, isn't it? Thank goodness for them.

 

It's been a painful, teary last few days. I've been looking at pictures, remembering our hopes and dreams...yes, torture, I know. I guess some part of me kept hoping we could at least be civil and respectful in ending this. He's made it clear that's not in any way possible. Yeah, that hurts. We always said we'd be friends, no matter what, since that's what we were for so so long.

 

So conflicted. Know I have to go, but hate that it's coming to this.

 

Thanks for reaching out....it means so much, people who can relate and empathize.

Edited October 12, 2013 by TrappedWanderer

[melissag]

Wow. Just, wow. I am sorry you are going through this. I can't relate 100%, but since my H of 11 years blindsided me with wanting a D, I can totally relate to the feeling of suddenly losing your best friend. It is excruciating, even when you are in your home country and have friends around. It may not feel like it, but you are doing a great job of staying strong. The other posters are right, though. Right now you need an action plan.

 

The conflicting feelings are the worst, aren't they? I am in the same stage as you - I DON'T WANT IT TO BE LIKE THIS. This board has been great in helping me vent some feelings and get good advice from others who have been there, done that. Keep posting and reading!

[TrappedWanderer]

You're so right, Melissa, these conflicting emotions are the worst. Today I've really been trying to focus hard on an action plan-I had been feeling so so overwhelmed with being alone in this foreign country, trying to now figure out where to live, how would I get a job and support myself, etc etc. Friends have convinced me that those things can wait a few weeks-right now I just need to focus on getting away from this awful, scary situation.

 

So I've spent the day going through all of my things-some still in boxes from having just been shipped over here-and I've started making piles. It's not much, but at least it's a step. I'm not sure how I'm going to pack it all by myself and have NO idea how I'm going to get it somewhere to be shipped to my moms, but I guess I just have to be proud that I haven't spent the whole day in tears-even little progress is progress.

 

I'm forcefully trying to fight back those good memories, not look at the wedding dress and gifts....not think about all the dreams and plans we had. But it's approaching evening here, and those sad thoughts always seem at their more present then.

 

Thank goodness for this board...I don't want to overburden friends, so it's relieving in a way to find some camaraderie here (though sad for the reason we are all on here). I hope you're hanging in there...we'll get through this..we must.

[Criticality]

I don't know how much stuff you have, but if its a lot, you might want to use a container. It's not crazy expensive though it takes a few weeks.

 

Heres a site thats pretty good XpressRate.com: Freight - International Cargo Shipping

 

If you need a plane ticket Kayak.com is the cheapest. Though a one way ticket is usually pretty expensive there.

 

But these budget airlines fly to the US, and usually have one way tickets for 3-400 dollars.

 

Airberlin.com

Norwegian.com

Air Condor

 

There's also airtransat.com, though they mainly fly to Canada from Paris and London. But they're really cheap...

[Downtown]

How can he have gone from pledging to love me forever just 52 short days ago, to being this cruel monster I no longer recognize? ...Why?!? Why is he doing this to me?!

TW, the strange behavior you describe actually is very common for 6% of the population, i.e., those having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, temper tantrums, irrational anger, inability to trust, emotional immaturity, and lack of impulse control -- are classic traits of BPD, which my exW has. I therefore suggest that you read about BPD warning signs to see if most of those red flags sound very familiar.

 

Of course, you cannot determine whether your H's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can make a diagnosis. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD. There is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he has most BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met him, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any red flags that exist if you take time to learn the warning signs.

A social worker said... he's like a child-unable to process or handle things.

If he is a "BPDer" (i.e., has most traits at a strong level), his emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old. This is believed to occur because the child experiences a trauma (e.g., emotional abuse or abandonment) that prevents him from developing an integrated sense of who he is and from learning mature ego defenses. A BPDer therefore must fully rely on the primitive ego defenses available to very young children: e.g., temper tantrums, projection, denial, magical thinking, and black-white thinking.

He's acting like a child, refuses to take responsibility for anything, and sticks his head in the sand.

This is exactly how a man behaves when he has the intelligence, knowledge, and body strength of a full-grown adult but the emotional development of a young child. If he is a BPDer, he also is filled with self loathing and shame. The last thing he wants to find, then, is one more thing to add to the long list of things he hates about himself. This is one reason that BPDers are loath to admit a mistake or take responsibility for their own actions.

I'm positive his mother has a mental disorder, and I wouldn't be surprised now if there was something mentally happening with my DH.

BPD is believed to pass from parent to child through a combination of genetics (which creates a predisposition toward BPD) and early childhood trauma (e.g., abuse, emotionally unavailable mother, or abandonment).

He's incapable of rational thought or basic human decency.

Because he is emotionally stunted, a BPDer never learned how to regulate his own emotions. One result is that his feelings frequently become so intense that they distort his perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Moreover, during these periods, he will "split off" the logical, rational part of his mind, putting it out of reach of his conscious mind. This means that, whenever a BPDer is experiencing intense feelings, you are left trying to communicate with only the irrational, intuitive, childlike part of his mind. Reasoning therefore gets you nowhere. To the BPDer at such times, his intense feelings MUST be true and they thus are perceived as irrefutable "facts."

Umm, HE has no reason to be mad.

If he is a BPDer, yes, he does have good reason to be mad -- it just has nothing to do with you. A BPDer carries enormous hurt and anger deep inside from his early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing to TRIGGER the anger that is already there.

 

As I noted earlier, you don't have to worry about triggering his anger during the infatuation period because you are believed to be so perfect that you pose no threat to his two great fears. After the infatuation evaporates, however, the fears return and you will start triggering his fears -- and thus a release of the anger. With a BPDer, you cannot avoid that because his two fears lie at opposite ends of the VERY SAME spectrum.

 

This means that, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering the other fear. Importantly, there is no safe midpoints position -- not too far away and not too close -- where you can avoid both of the fears. I know only because I foolishly spent 15 years hunting for it. That Goldilocks position simply doesn't exist.

He has now gotten into a MUCH better work situation, including a large increase in salary.

The vast majority of BPDers are "high functioning," which means that they interact very well with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. None of those people pose a threat to his two fears because there is no close relationship to be abandoned and no intimacy to cause him to feel suffocated and engulfed. This is why H-F BPDers often excel in very demanding professions.

 

Heaven help the BPDer's business colleagues, however, if any of them try to become a CLOSE friend. The BPDer then will perceive them to be a threat and will push them away. This is why BPDers rarely have any close LTRs (unless the friend lives a long distance away).

I do love the person I married, but he's no longer that person. Honestly, it's like Jekyll and Hyde.

He never was "that person" to begin with, if he is a BPDer. Because a BPDer has only a fragile, unstable sense of who he is, he learns at an early age to project a false self image. This generally is not done to manipulate but, rather, to simply fit in, be accepted, and be loved. Toward that end, a BPDer tends to emulate the best personality features of those around him. In this way, he needs a strong personality nearby who will center and ground him.

 

When a BPDer becomes infatuated with someone, he pulls out all the stops and emulates her personality so perfectly that both parties are convinced they've met their "soul mate." This blissful courtship period is possible only because the infatuation convinces the BPDer that she is perfectly safe.

 

The infatuation therefore holds his two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. After 3 to 6 months (or longer if the relationship is long-distance), the infatuation will evaporate and the fears will return, at which point you will start triggering those fears -- resulting in rages and hissy fits. This is why the sex and intimacy in BPDer marriages often goes off a cliff immediately following the wedding, if not before.

I hate him, but I love him.

Unlike a BPDer, you are able to stay in touch with these strong conflicting feelings at the same time. This is why you are able to perceive him as an essentially good man who, due to his inability to regulate his own emotions, sometimes behaves in a very bad way. My BPDer exW, for example, ended our 15 year marriage by having me arrested on a bogus charge and thrown into jail for three days. So when I say "bad behavior" I mean that BPDers are capable of being very vindictive and mean when they are splitting us black.

I'd always chalked up his dramatic stories ("this is THE MOST famous...THE BEST"...etc etc about every little thing) as being melodramatically french.

Because BPDers have little sense of who they are, they usually have a deep emptiness inside that they often try to fill by creating drama around them. Another reason for the drama is their strong desire to validate their false self image of always being "The Victim." A BPDer achieves this "validation" by creating drama, making you the perpetrator -- the source of all his problems -- and making himself "The Victim." Because that false self image is about the only self image a BPDer has, he will hold onto it with a death grip, frequently seeking to validate it once again.

 

As to "The MOST..." and "The BEST...," you may be correct about this being an example of his seeking grandiosity, a hallmark of narcissism. It is common for BPDers to also have some strong traits of narcissism. Yet, if he is a BPDer, that behavior is more likely an example of black-white thinking, which is one of the hallmarks of BPDers.

 

Because a BPDer never learned how to integrate the good and bad aspects of his personality, he is very intolerant of ambiguities, uncertainties, and other grey areas in interpersonal relationships. He therefore shoehorns everyone into a black or white box, perceiving of individuals as "all good" or "all bad." And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other, in just ten seconds, based solely on a minor comment or infraction. This process is called "black-white thinking" (aka, "splitting you black" and "splitting you white").

 

B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS..." and, as you observe, in "The BEST..." and "The MOST...."

Honestly, it's like Jekyll and Hyde.

That is a common complaint of anyone living with a BPDer. Another frequent complaint is that it's like living with someone who seems to be halfway to having a multiple personality disorder. A BPDer's ability to flip in seconds between loving you and hating you is -- like his frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions -- due to his B-W thinking.

 

Because a BPDer cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings, he is comfortable only when being in touch with one set of feelings at a time. This is why a BPDer is able to be so out of touch with his loving feelings that he can be temporarily convinced that you are "all bad" and that he hates you. During those times, his mind will rewrite history to support the intense dislike he is experiencing. Of course, this is exactly how all of us behaved when we were four years old -- adoring mother when she handed us several toys but quickly hating her when she took one toy away.

And that just makes me mad. His life is just getting better for him, while mine is in shambles.

No, if he has BPD, you have it backwards. YOU can walk away from that terrible disorder. He cannot. Instead, he will have to live with it -- and the destruction it causes in his close interpersonal relationships -- the rest of his life. Although there are excellent therapy programs available to treat BPD, it is rare for a BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength to seek out those programs, much less stay in them long enough to make a real difference.

Any suggestions or advice would be so very appreciated.

TW, I agree with all the other members who are urging you to leave and return home. If you are still upset when you get there, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with.

 

I also suggest you read more about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. An easy place to start reading is my description of those red flags in my posts at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, TW.

[TrappedWanderer]

Hey Downtown-I meant to let say thanks for that information. Reading through it, it does hit home a lot and sounds like my situation. It helped to really get it through to me that, no matter what I do, this situation is not going to change. Really, it was helpful information and nice to feel like it wasn't me that was totally losing my mind here.

 

Oh, and just to update you all-I'll be leaving in the next few days. Stuff is being shipped out tomorrow, so I've been packing my little heart out-it's actually been nice to have some manual labor to focus on instead of drowning in my own thoughts 24/7. I'll be leaving this weekend.

 

While it's a bit bittersweet, and I'm sure the day I leave will bring mixed emotions (final nail in the coffin that was all my hopes and dreams for this life here), I know it's the right thing. I even went one whole day without crying...small, but a victory none the less. It feels good to be taking a step towards getting myself out of this situation...even with all the uncertainty the future brings.

 

Thanks all for your support!

[littlejaz]

Good for you. Glad to hear that you are coming home. Although it is a long and winding road, sounds like you are on your way to healing.

 

Best of luck.