Downtown Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 TW, thanks for returning to give us an update. I'm glad to hear that you found the BPD information helpful. I wish you the very best on your new life adventure! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrappedWanderer Posted November 14, 2013 Author Share Posted November 14, 2013 So I did indeed leave his country and came to a neighboring one to stay with a friend for a bit. Spent the first week traveling all around ( she, luckily, had off from work that week)...was good to be distracted by new places and things and so relieving to be around caring people once again. As I face leaving the continent in a few days to head to my moms in the US, I'm finding myself breaking into tears at the most random moments. I think the finality of, as a grown woman, having to return to my mothers house has just really made it all sink in. I've been able to push things to the side just a bit while being here, traveling a bit with my friend, but reality is setting in. And it just makes me so so sad. This was supposed to be the happiest time of my life...the holiday season as a newly married couple-I was so so looking forward to it. How can things have changed so quickly?! I absolutely don't want him back-he's not a good person, is a liar, and I could never trust him again. But it's still hard. No matter the horrible things he's done, he was still who I thought was my best friend and it's tearing at me to know that's just gone forever, in the blink of an eye. Out of nowhere. Normally I've looked at the unknown as an adventure, and jumped into it. But now, it just makes me sad and scared. And I hate that. I wish I could just fast forward to the part where I have a great job in a location I love...because I don't think I'll really start to heal until then. But I'm terrified of how long that will take. The holidays will just be torture. I don't want to be alone forever...I want all those things he told me he wanted, too- married to my best friend, starting traditions and a family...all that beautiful stuff that life is about. And knowing I was so close to having it all and then it disappeared....well, today, I'm just sad. Tomorrow will be another day and I'm trying my best...good friends and family certainly are wonderful and appreciated. But it feels like one baby step forward and two giant steps back. Sigh. Sorry, just feeling sad and hurt tonight and posting here instead of contacting him. Because I know that's pointless...he can no longer give me what I need. I just hope, someday, someone will be able to and I'll get that happiness I was so close to having. If you're still reading this, thanks. The support here really means a lot...people who can understand all these ups and downs. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted November 14, 2013 Share Posted November 14, 2013 TW-hang in there. It's okay to be sad. You are in mourning and need time to grieve. Just know that it will get better and you will have a wonderful life. You will come out of this a better, stronger person. Link to post Share on other sites
Yarrow Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 I can totally relate to the shame of having to move back in with my mother. I had my own household and a baby on the way, that I was going to take care of and nurture and I was going to be awesome at it because I was finally a grown-up. I was the lady of the house and I had it all planned out. Instead, I ended up a single mom with a failed marriage, living with my parents. If FOX news is to be believed, I am everything that is wrong with America today. My self-image took a serious beating. But in the long run, that's not important. What's more important is to surround yourself with good people who will love and support you. If you have that, you will be just fine. Far from considering me a failure, every last one of my friends has applauded me for having the guts it took to get over the fear of being alone and do what I had to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrappedWanderer Posted November 20, 2013 Author Share Posted November 20, 2013 Thanks little jazz....I sure hope so. Seems particularly painful with the holidays coming up. Just trying to take it one day at a time and keeping my fingers crossed for better things down the road. Yarrow-you are right, my self-image is taking a major beating. I'm at my moms house now, and it hit me in a totally different way. I was ok until I saw my brothers wedding photos up, and realized I never even got to see my own up there, proudly displayed, as well. And for whatever reason, that made it all come tumbling down. I don't know how you did it pregnant-I salute you. I can't imagine the additional hurt that must have caused. I feel like such a failure being back here. I *know* I'm not-that I didn't cause this and I did everything I could. But man, it hurts. My mom is great, but it's really hard and feels like regressing instead of progressing. I feel like a loser teenager, and not the adventurous woman with a new Masters degree that I am...somewhere inside me. I also know I'll never really get the answers I want about why this all happened...hard to stop thinking about it, though. I'm literally starting from step one now-no home of my own, no job (since I was just in grad school), so as much as I'm trying not to think about everything, that's hard to do since quite literally everything in my life has changed because of the choices HE made and I didn't get a say. I have waaay too much time on my hands (something I'm trying to remedy) to think and feel the pain. I just want to fast forward to where I have some semblance of my life again. Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 Glad to hear that you are back in the states, safe and sound. Give it some time. You will be back on feet before you know it and there are great things to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrappedWanderer Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 So, it's been 5 months since I left. I have a new job, overseas, and I'm at my parents working from home until my work visa comes through. This new job has meant a new re-focus of my life and I'm so grateful for that. But last week (April fools day, ha!) was his birthday and Friday is a year since we got engaged. I decided it was better to get it over with now, and looked through the box of stuff and all the pictures. Even pulled out the rings. Wow, we were really so genuinely happy. I'm so sad and angry I never got to properly share and enjoy that happiness. It went away oh-so quickly. Mostly, I've been excited about the new job and new location-a fresh start. But this week has been hard. I had SO wanted that life we had planned. I miss that. I mi.. ss my friend. Trying to get it all out now. When I move, I'd like it to be starting fresh and I'll have properly grieved this. But wow, is this week hard. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Be grateful for the good days you had. But that's basically it. Personally I believe you dated someone with schizophrenia. One of my best childhood friends suddenly turned into a racist bastard as well. I guess he inherited that trait from his mother, a real shame, but there's nothing you can do about others' personalities. Link to post Share on other sites
Atlantico Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 Looks to me he is a Borderline Personality Disorder person... Link to post Share on other sites
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