Finding traumatic things // JEALOUSY

[dollybot]

First of all I am brand spanking new here and I'm a little anxious to be posting but I used to use forums and I figured it would be good to discuss this issue with a bunch of people who have no stake in my relationship or happiness...

 

I have known my significant other for nearly 10 years and we hit it off as friends right away because we have a lot in common and happen to be the exact type for both of us visually and personality wise. We worked together in a professional-type relationship (he was my professor) and were both married (unhappily) and we were just friends. We did not do anything or say anything inappropriate. We stayed in touch online and through occasional business-type gatherings.

 

Flash forward to today and we are both divorced from crazy (and unattractive) exes who did very unforgivable things to us which I cannot even say here. We seem to both have settled on someone lesser than us because we were very insecure and just lived unhappily because we didn't believe in divorce but the time came for him to leave his wife who cheated on him 4 times and 3 years later I left my husband who was abusive. So we were both single and as soon as he saw I wrote an article about divorce he contacted me to talk because he had been through a similar experience.. (he's only 10.5 years older than me, I'm in my late 20s)

 

So we get together and the chemistry we had ignored for so long is very strong and we are able to talk and laugh and hold hands, yada yada. The rest was history.. 2 months after we met up and had been hanging out having fun a lot he asked me to move in. A year after that (today) I've had a horrible experience I would wish on no one in a relationship. Not only had he been with many women before his wife and several after (nothing so serious but he has slept around A LOT except for the 12 years he was married) but these women were not really of his standard. He is a really attractive guy with a great job, beautiful home, lots of fun, very spiritual and always working on spiritual growth, etc. We both have children, I have one and he has 3. We are really happy and constantly laughing and joking around even in the chaos of 4 children when my previous husband couldn't even relax with one easy going girl child. We are best friends, we have tons of fun together, both very high sex drives unlike the people we have been with before so our sex life is AMAZING.. we are close, loving, constantly being affectionate and growing together...

 

I still find myself so jealous he slept with so many women. I have a high sex drive, I did drinking as a young girl and still I do not sleep around. I was very deprived and unfulfilled sexually but I have a strong value in saving myself for the right man. (my former husband was the guy I lost my virginity to) So I am like the opposite.. and he feels a lot of shame about it so I try not to bring it up or show jealousy although sometimes it makes me SKIN BURN and my chest tighten and I feel disgusted.

 

Well recently something HORRIBLE happened. I had gotten over a lot of the jealousy and not really let it get to me.. tried to write it down and see why I was jealous, what the truth is, etc.. So we're leaving for a trip this week and I use his old computer he had stored and hadn't used in a long time. I wanted to burn some CDs for a trip to give to someone and my CD burner on my laptop is acting funny so he said I could use his old computer.. I'm so confused because it's a PC and the iTunes on it is so old I cannot remember how to use the version. I try importing my music from my shared library as I do on my mac and it's not working, it's a drop down and I click SHARED and it clicks VIDEOS and I see it.. like 8 video stills of him and his trashy exwife ****ing on the screen. I was actually ON THE PHONE with him while he was at work trying to figure out how to use this computer.. I had previously saw a playlist with an exgirlfriends name and was a little jealous and burnt up inside about it so I told him and then this pops up while he's there. I scream OH MY GOD videos of you and your exwife just popped up on the screen. He's like what videos? Of the kids? I'M LIKE SEX VIDEOS, YOU'RE ****ING HER. I SEE YOU ****ING YOUR EXWIFE. At this point I've shut down the comptuer and went into the bathroom having a panic attack, crying, feeling sick to my stomach. I deal with this psycho woman everyday who cannot take care of her kids and to see the man I love more than anything in this world ****ing her nasty ass was too much for me to handle.. so I hyperventilate and tell him I cannot talk.

 

Later he picks me up from visiting my dad to go on this trip with him and he has flowers for me.. I try to look past what happened and we're having a good time, joking around on the 7 hour road trip.. then about an hour is left and the pictures flash in my mind and I cannot deal with it so I shut down. When I am hurt I tend to just shut down and close myself off so I don't cry and freak out.. he feels terrible and ashamed and I can tell but I cannot change the way I feel. I look up things online and it says women leave men for this sometimes because they can never get the images out of their mind and it is too painful to be reminded of them when you look at the person who has your heart..

 

So we go to our room and there are 2 beds because that's all they had and I lay in the one that he isn't in.. we haven't slept apart for over a year. He feels very scared I can tell and he says he is so sorry I cannot be close to him and he had been so excited about this trip to get closer to me.. so I feel terrible because he really did nothing wrong since he met me and I go lay beside him to which he cries, he is a tough man and has never cried around me, says he can tell I shut down and doesn't know what to do to fix it and knows I'm going to leave him. He tells me how wonderful life has been with me that he never in a million years knew he could have this with anyone let alone someone as beautiful and loving as me and he knows that I will leave and he will spend his life alone. I feel horrible.. he has been going through a lot and we have been so happy together.. I feel stronger when he is weak for once and I tell him I'll never leave him that I'd rather be hurting and get through it with him than hurting and getting through more pain without him.. that I am never going to leave. He told me I am his soul mate and he wants to get married in the summer and I told him how much I adore our life together and that it is our life and our problem... that it wasn't an out for me..

 

Well everything was splendid on the trip until we got home about an hour ago and again my skin is burning, I'm crying and I'm panicking. I don't want to touch anything. The only place I've ever felt at home is here and suddenly I just feel their energy everywhere that it's THEIR home that I can't stay here that I feel so sick, I want to run but I know this is the man of my dreams.

 

I don't know how to get over this and move on, I've been trying just about everything and I pray it gets better with time but I do not know what to expect or if anyone has been through anything similar... I am a mess inside and I'm trying to be strong but he knows it is killing me and told me that he got rid of everything he didn't even realize was there before (he got rid of everything after the divorce but this computer wasn't used since then) and is being so patient and kind because he can't imagine seeing me with my ex.. but still. I'm so confused. These feelings are so painful and I do not want to ruin our time together. I just don't know what to do and how to heal and move on... I hope someone has advice or went through something similar and can discuss it with me so I can have a better image of what I should be and do.

 

Thank you for listening...

Edited October 7, 2013 by dollybot

[dollybot]

Oh yes it's my issue.. And I'm looking for advice not for you to analyze the way I explained the situation. The basic idea is: I'm jealous because of what I saw. I think because she is such a sick person it makes it worse that he was with her. I realize I am nuts for feeling this burn and keep it inside.. However I'd like advice to get over it or what I should be instead. It's making me crazy inside. You're focusing on the description of the background not so much on the issue which I would love to know how to resolve. Do I run? Will this haunt me always? I don't know.

[dollybot]

About her is she cheated on him after marriage for 11 years and filmed it and showed him, is horrible to her kids, is negative towards everything, comes to me for relationship advice, sends sick texts to her ex about his mom being dead soon and she is just horribly sick. Inside and out. To that question it's that she is a sick person and treats him horribly even now and I have to deal with her because I coparent her children. That makes it worse. The girl he dated before me was a sweet woman and I have no issue with her. None of his exes constantly **** with my life.. It's all of that that makes it kill me even more inside. He deserves way better and she broke his heart. It just grosses me out. Also I know anyone seeing the love of their life **** someone else would cause some discomfort unless it was their fetish. It is not out of line to be hurt by seeing that.

[dollybot]

As far as doing anything to him I didn't.. I kind of freaked out when I saw it and got off the phone then I just have shut down lately I tell him it will be ok.. I feel bad about this as I said but I cannot explain why. I cannot see how to get it from haunting me. Does that make sense? I'm keeping it inside but sometimes it's obvious something is on my mind though I have never been unkind to him.

[todreaminblue]

Oh yes it's my issue.. And I'm looking for advice not for you to analyze the way I explained the situation. The basic idea is: I'm jealous because of what I saw. I think because she is such a sick person it makes it worse that he was with her. I realize I am nuts for feeling this burn and keep it inside.. However I'd like advice to get over it or what I should be instead. It's making me crazy inside. You're focusing on the description of the background not so much on the issue which I would love to know how to resolve. Do I run? Will this haunt me always? I don't know.

 

 

i think its really hard for a male or a female to deal with extensive sexual history, and that doesnt include actually seeing history in action like you did which would be extremely hard...my ex knew my history before he got involved with me what made the difference i feel is that he got to know me, not just my history and he soon knew i was actually selective in spite of my history that i was also monogamous in a relationship and how many sexual partners i had, didnt make a difference to who i was.,......i was his first long term girlfriend he was the first guy i actually truly fell for......i dont fall for guys,i am actually pretty guarded and a bit cynical.....i hide my romantic heart well.........i am an ex sex worker ...your partner would have nothing on me....that si hwo i understand how you feel......and i understand how he feels too...the shame,the total contradiction of history to present values or beliefs

 

 

i dont know if you can get over it i feel the only way si counselling to deal with the residual you have from viewing sex in action with someone you love and want to respect so you can develop some strategies when you get these flashbacks ...it is traumatic and isnt a case of you just getting over it, nto at all, it needs to be worked on as you have trauma now associated with your husbands past....

 

 

i will ask one question.....why do you think his ex wife is sick and disgusting?....this is actually important to understand......deb

[dollybot]

About her is she cheated on him after marriage for 11 years and filmed it and showed him, is horrible to her kids, is negative towards everything, comes to me for relationship advice, sends sick texts to her ex about his mom being dead soon and she is just horribly sick. Inside and out. To that question it's that she is a sick person and treats him horribly even now and I have to deal with her because I coparent her children. That makes it worse. The girl he dated before me was a sweet woman and I have no issue with her. None of his exes constantly **** with my life.. It's all of that that makes it kill me even more inside. He deserves way better and she broke his heart. It just grosses me out. Also I know anyone seeing the love of their life **** someone else would cause some discomfort unless it was their fetish. It is not out of line to be hurt by seeing that.

 

This is why.. She is chaotic and negative towards us and the children. Bad talking us to them because she says we won't stay together.. She's always been this way towards me and anyone he dated. She was coming to me for relationship advice and actually opened up to me because she has no friends. I was nice to her against my judgement then she started bad mouthing me to the kids and my spouse as well because we wouldn't help her when we were out of town. Nuts.

[dollybot]

Here is my question: What has happened between you and her for you to have such a violent reaction to what you found? Because I will be honest with you... I don't see how your husband did anything wrong here. All he did was have sex with his ex wife (while they were married) and video taped it. Now I can relate to the idea of it being disconcerting that you found it, but you taking it out on him is what I would consider a little out of bounds. Because, quite frankly, he didn't do anything wrong.

 

You put a lot of emphasis on your idea of attractive, that both you and he married down. Which is fine... but really, your opinion on the subject is not what matters. The fact is there was a point in his life that he found his ex wife attractive enough that he spoke to her, pursued her, married and had children with her, and yes, had sex with her as well. The crack whore with the gap in her tooth and mental issues that would put Sybil to shame may be unattractive to you and me, but SOMEONE is going to think she is appealing. And that someone may be a person who is considered above average. We just can't account for the beauty that one sees in others.

 

So my question is what is it about her that caused you to react that way? Would you have had the same reaction with anyone else, or do you think it would have been toned down? And what are you doing to resolve these issues? Because, as you well know, this issue seems to be your own.

 

What exactly do you mean by violent reaction? Painful internal reaction? I kept this inside except for initial shock because we were talking. I hung up.

[todreaminblue]

This is why.. She is chaotic and negative towards us and the children. Bad talking us to them because she says we won't stay together.. She's always been this way towards me and anyone he dated. She was coming to me for relationship advice and actually opened up to me because she has no friends. I was nice to her against my judgement then she started bad mouthing me to the kids and my spouse as well because we wouldn't help her when we were out of town. Nuts.

 

 

what she is saying is also against your partner........he cannot control her words i do know it is hard to deal with a someone who badmouths you...my ex is with his affair partner now, and for quite a while she got sulky if i was bought up .....i am the mum with the kids....lol......she would bad mouth me to the kids.....saying things like you are only a independent woman if you drive...i dont drive ...she would put me down....

 

 

 

 

i maintained a graceful silence with her...how i stopped my girls feeling bad and resentful of her talking about me or getting sulky about me........was to realize she resents me is intimidated by my past relationship and ties i have with her now partner (my ex) she probably cops comparisons from his family and from him.....and i reached out to her and wished her happy xmas i speak to her on a limited basis saying hope you enjoy time with the girls and are they being good...and she actually said to me...you have done a wonderful job with the girls deb you have beautiful girls......i said are we talking about the same girls and she laughed......so i break the ice when i feel the need to break it....so in your situation you dont have me there breaking ice as an ex partner....so you be the graceful confident woman and break the ice... make friends with her well not friends ....because you are resentful and you are intimidated by her after viewing what you did i feel, and when you do break that ice even if she doesnt reciprocate........you will feel more at peace...i know it will be hard for you and she doesnt sound nice at all.......but it might help you......that is why i offer the advice i have trying to help or if you cant talk to her maintain silence......and seek counselling....i wish you nothing but the best..remember he is with you now he loves you you love him work from that....deb

[Silly_Girl]

I think you're overreacting a little and that understanding why might help you get to the bottom of things.

 

It's never nice to acknowledge your partner in that situation, with another person. It's worse still to be confronted with it when it's not expected, and when you hate the person also - double whammy!

 

You may deem his ex to be a nutjob but do you accept that he and her were once happy? And that they had a satisfying sex life? That being the case doesn't detract from you at all, do you realise that? Or is the sex you and he have lacking and this has highlighted that fact?

 

I'm not comfortable with the poor guy apologising, he's done nothing wrong. I hope that, irrespective of what you're feeling, you're able to state that to him and be clear that whilst you appreciate his care and support the issue is with you not him.

 

These feelings will fade over time, I'm sure. It can be filed away in your head if you so choose.

[dollybot]

The sex with her was never satisfying. I think I explained my sex life above but we are bdsm and never had a partner to enjoy it. This was a loveless marriage they started counseling when they met and were both sick at the time. Newly sober. I can relate because I had the same thing. Loveless sexless abuse. We have sex 2-3 times every single day and they did 2-3 times a year which is why he filmed it for other uses in his marriage.. Long story. Only understood because I was in a similar relationship. She was sleeping with other men he found out later. She was addicted to attention but hated intimacy. I know because she told me all of this as well. It's an odd situation. Anyway it's hard to see but he has told me its actually good because if I do not leave him after experiencing that then he will never be afraid of my leaving again... It's just painful. Just painful seeing the love of my life ****ing someone whether he likes her or not. Make sense? I explained my issues with being very selective sexually.

[dollybot]

Yes, I meant painful internal. Delete the videos, discuss your feelings with you boyfriend, stop bottling it up, and go from there. You will not resolve your issues shutting down and not communicating with your boyfriend. And if you are looking for advice and not analyzing (which is gonna happen because you posted on an open forum) then take what you need and leave the rest. My advice to you.

 

He deleted on his own when I told him what I found and I'm working through it. I know I am lucky to have him and lucky she was such s **** because I have the chance now to be with him always and it was impossible when we were married. Trying to focus on the positive. Just tough when I get a flashback. Makes my skin burn.

[Silly_Girl]

Is the pain easing? Is it less of an issue for you than it was?

[dollybot]

I think you're overreacting a little and that understanding why might help you get to the bottom of things.

 

It's never nice to acknowledge your partner in that situation, with another person. It's worse still to be confronted with it when it's not expected, and when you hate the person also - double whammy!

 

You may deem his ex to be a nutjob but do you accept that he and her were once happy? And that they had a satisfying sex life? That being the case doesn't detract from you at all, do you realise that? Or is the sex you and he have lacking and this has highlighted that fact?

 

I'm not comfortable with the poor guy apologising, he's done nothing wrong. I hope that, irrespective of what you're feeling, you're able to state that to him and be clear that whilst you appreciate his care and support the issue is with you not him.

 

These feelings will fade over time, I'm sure. It can be filed away in your head if you so choose.

 

The sex with her was never satisfying. I think I explained my sex life above but we are bdsm and never had a partner to enjoy it. We both have very high sex drives and haven't been with another who did. This was a loveless marriage they started counseling when they met and were both sick at the time. Newly sober. I can relate because I had the same thing. Loveless sexless abuse. We have sex 2-3 times every single day and they did 2-3 times a year which is why he filmed it for other uses in his marriage.. Long story. Only understood because I was in a similar relationship. She was sleeping with other men he found out later. She was addicted to attention but hated intimacy. I know because she told me all of this as well. It's an odd situation. Anyway it's hard to see but he has told me its actually good because if I do not leave him after experiencing that then he will never be afraid of my leaving again... It's just painful. Just painful seeing the love of my life ****ing someone whether he likes her or not. Make sense? I explained my issues with being very selective sexually.

[dollybot]

Is the pain easing? Is it less of an issue for you than it was?

 

I'm feeling better and I thought I was over it totally and we had even grown closer but arriving home I remembered everything and I had to be alone for awhile to try to understand and write the post.. I was back to my skin burning. I think I have an extreme jealousy now after my prior abusive marriage and that my new partner has had very many flings trying to find what he was looking for in me. I don't know why but its hard for me to understand. It hurts and I hate it but I know we will get through it because I know and he knows we are soul mates regardless of the dumb decisions we made in our pasts.. Trying not to let those decisions tarnish my present or future. I do feel nuts.

[smoky eyes]

These things are hard. I don't understand why my boyfriend was ever with his ex, either, everyone says she was a psychopath, but I also say emails between them that were loving that totally threw me for a loop for a while.

 

Just remind yourself that he didn't do, and hasn't done, anything wrong, that he would probably look on the videos himself with distaste now, and that he loves you. You'll get over it.