babybear Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 I can't figure this one out. I have a bf of over 2 yrs. We have had trust issues in the past (me not trusting him), but he literally BEGGED me to take him back b/c he wanted to prove to me he had changed and he loved me, etc. He always talks about what we're going to name our kids, and how when I'm a doctor he wouldnt mind staying at home with the babies. So anyway, I am pretty much set to leave for med school in August. We decided we would break up when I leave, just b/c we both thought it would be really overwhelming, adn that if we wanted, we could work it out and get back together. He's going out of state in mid-february for 3 months and will return in may. My initial reaction was, oh my god, but i'll miss you so much and i can't see you everyday! his was, so maybe we should break up when i go. so, i can't help feeling like he wants to go off and play around!!! i cant understand why he would consider us splitting now, when we could visit each other during the time apart, and then reunite for the summer months before i leave. He says its not about other girls, but i cant help but be disheartened, and feel like he broke something. i just feel differently when i see him. he says that whats the point of being together and putting in all that effort and having all that stress, when the breaukup in august is coming. but i think the effort and stress is in breaking up prematiurely! unless of course, he's over me....but it doesnt seem the case b/c he wants to be near me every second of the day. he practically lives with me, takes me to all the ffamily get togethers, pays for anything (b/c he works full time and i am a student.) we;re both 24, almost 25...and i'm trying hard to read btwn the lines. the best thing i could think up was that he wants to break up so he has a perfect way to get over the pain of it while doing it while he's so far away. iknow guys and girls will avoid heartache at any price... but i am baffled, and i'm sure i'm just missing the obvious b/c i'm involved. so anyone, please enlighten me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 I never could understand the idea behind pre-planned break-ups. Seriously, why would you want to invest more time and effort into a relationship when you know that it is going to end on a specified date? So he is going to leave for 3 months, come home, spend the next 3 months with you, and then have to end the relationship. Doesn't sound like something I would look forward to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted December 2, 2004 Author Share Posted December 2, 2004 Well, it wasn't so much like we sat down and picked a day. We just over time realized that with how busy are lives are, the distance would be hard. It's literally coast to coast, and he just got a job where he can't get time off anytime soon. I was originally set to leave for school earlier, which is why we had that conversation in advance. Yea, I could see how the impending breakup just casts a dark cloud over everything, but it never made me want out any earlier. I thought the breakup would save us personally... I didnt want to miscommunicate over the distance, it was never about other guys for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 And what is your expectations of the future? You are facing 4 years of medical school. Do you expect to get back together after those four years are finished? Do you expect to spend the next four years alone and celibate? Do you expect him to do the same? This relationship is basically over already. You might still be together, but it has no future. I think it would be better for both of you to become friends and allow each other the freedom to see other people if they choose to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted December 2, 2004 Author Share Posted December 2, 2004 Actually, yea...I could see us getting married. It was where we were headed before I decided to accept my med school acceptance. And secondly, even if we arent headed anywhere, wouldnt two ppl want to be together for as long as they could, even if they knew they can't be? Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 You mean would they intentionally choose to increase the looming heartache? I mean if one of you had until August to live I could see making the most of your remaining time together. But when the thing keeping you apart is distance rather than the River Styx, it is harder to do. You might be able to see yourself getting married and it is nice to know you are a member of the optimist club. But are you not going to date at all when you are at med school? Are you going to tell a guy you are dating in med school that it will end when you graduate so you can go back to your old boyfriend from 4 years ago? I am not trying to demean or belittle you, don't take it that way. I think it would make more sense to try a LDR and see what happens with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted December 2, 2004 Author Share Posted December 2, 2004 No worries, I'm not offended or anything. I knew that other ppl would be able to see something that I can't see, which is why I'm here anyway. Maybe I am too optimistic...but I guess what I think is that, since we don't have any serious relationship problems right now, how could we possibly break up over the fact that we might get hurt in a few months? That's what I don't get. Because I believe that if two ppl are truly in love, they couldnt stand the thought of anyone else. So, him wanting to break up next month caught me off guard, and was just really frustrating. Afterall, he's only going to the next state! I'm also upset, b/c I could have easily said, lets break up now b/c I want to have fun before med school, but I didn't even think about that! So, I don't know...heartache is heartache I know...but you can't be functional and logical when it comes to love. And I don't know how he shut his feelings off so fast, I guess I am just not like that. Babybear Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I doubt he just shut his feeling off that fast. I think he has logically looked at the situation and is trying to protect his feelings as much as he possibly can. He knows he is going to get hurt. And it is probably a defense thing to control the hurt as much as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
truth giver Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 think about his feelings, not only yours but anyways..its hard to be with somone you know theres noO future. During that process and time you guys have left he is trying to set his heart in the mode to not fall for you anymore I KNOW..i am in the same postion.. im moving away from my bf..and we have to break up..yeah i would love to spend everyday until i move with him all lovey dovey and make the best of it..it sounds so easy right?..wrong..its like taking a train ride to no where..or boarding a luxury plane that is planned to crash..dont you think its hard for him? to act like how hes always been acting? doesnt mean he lost his feelings for you.Its just simply hard to be in somthing thats not gonna happen..so its kinna of a lost cause.No matter how much i try to act normal towards him i think of how its not gonna work out so i try to conceal my heart so i wont get hurt as much as i am now.. so concider his feelings Hun not only yours, not everything can go your way all the time princess.. dont be selfish Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted December 4, 2004 Author Share Posted December 4, 2004 You know, I tried hard to see this in a more optimistic light, but I dont know...I dont really see two ways about it. Why are my friends ecstatic that I am going to med school in August instead of January, but my boyfriend is less than thrilled? And perhaps I should accept that he and I are quite different, and that we view the world really different. I live in San Francisco, and he will be in Seattle. I'm sure I'll be out with the girls having a grand old time, but I wouldnt want to do stuff with anyone else, so it shouldnt be an issue for him either. So, I just think he's being a little weak about it, and trying to chicken out of it. And that's fine too. So, he called me to see if I wanted to go to a party with him tonite, and I guess I didnt sound very happy to hear from him, and he said he thinks something is broken, and how did I stop loving him so fast. I told him that I coulndt do this anymore, and I didnt feel like he was valuing me, and I broke up with him altogether. I just can't do it anymore.... I told him whats the point of dragging it out even one more day if he's so dead set that we have no future. He said he can't change my mind, and that if I think it's the best for me, than I should stick to my guns. I know a lot of you guys have said he isnt unreasonable, but my heart tells me that his heart (or eyes) are wandering if he was so ready to call it quits that early. Does anyone agree? Baby bear Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 No, I don't agree. Your friends don't have an emotional, romantic connection with you. They get 8 more months of hanging out and partying with you, cool for them. Your boyfriend, or ex now I guess, has 8 more months of waiting for his heart to be broken. For someone smart enough to get accepted to medical school, you seem kind of thick if you can't grasp what we are trying to tell you here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybear Posted December 4, 2004 Author Share Posted December 4, 2004 It's not that I dont get it...more that I don't agree with it. I think if the roles were reversed, I would make different choices. BUT, I see that logically he probably makes more sense than me. In fact, his way would logically protect both our feelings. But, I think with my heart, and not with my head. And my heart tells me that the pain of breaking up is worth the feelings we have when we're together. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, I don't know, but that's how I feel. Even though I seem like I dont get it, I'm obviously too hurt to be rational. But, I did tell him today that I'm going to be unselfish and let him go. And he asked me if it was a trick..and I said no. I can't force you to do what I want, so I am going to support you. Suddenly it didnt seem like such a good idea to him, b/c he told me not to break up and that he wants to stay together now....and I said, don't be scared of being without me, you will be fine. I am still sad though. The thought that he's 20 minutes away and that I can't see him kills me. Babybear Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 Men are less emotional in situations like this. We don't tend to think with our hearts alone. It is a major psychological difference between men and women and causes more hurt and heartache in relationships than anything else. He is confused. He knows he is going to get his heart broken. And I am sure part of him wants as much time with you as possible, but the other part of him wants to spare himself as much heartache as possible. You are probably doing the best thing for him by letting him start moving on with his future. I know it is not an easy thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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