Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Sofie2013]

Well my other thread was closed again I don’t know why, so I decided to make new one

Edited October 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added reference link to backstory and edited title

[Sofie2013]

Post made by seethingandsmiling on my last thread

It didn't lead to you having sex, you stayed and had drinks so that it would lead to sex. You cannot tell me or anyone else that you never thought about that when you had been flirting with him for months. You saw this as the chance to finally bring all of your flirtations to fruition.

 

Some of the men might believe otherwise, but I'm a female, and I know exactly what you were thinking when you stayed behind with just him and kept drinking. You're already downplaying what you did by making it seem far more innocent than it was by lying about how it happened the first time.

 

I never, ever planned on sleeping with him that night. It honestly shocks me even now that I did that. it was snowball effect a nice text message turned into more, then it turned into texting, then flirting , and then things got upped. When we had sex the first time, I did not expect it to happen. I did not wake up that day saying, "I was going to sleep with him." I just didn't do that. But it did. I felt awful and guilt I cried after he felt and I was never the same it’s also how my husband found out. So, though I made a vow with myself to not do anything again, it happened again, and at that point, it didn't seem to make much difference, since I had already ruined things anyway and that’s when I stared with the flawed way of thinking.

[Sofie2013]

Post by Scott Thomas

I understand that this is probably the most difficult situation you have faced so far. The fact that you created it only complicates matters. However, must ask yourself a few tough questions:

 

1. Is there a psychological/emotional reason behind your affair? Why did you forsake your husband? Stating that 'I didn't think I would get caught while I experimented with another man' is not enough. It may take you several sessions of counselling to reach this answer.

 

2. When you married, you promised your husband that you would never forsake him. It took months for the EA to culminate into a PA: you spent hours planning and executing everything. During all those hours, did you, for a single moment, think there was a slight chance the affair may be discovered? Were you so naive to presume that the affair would not end your marriage?

 

3. Since you're devastated at the prospect of losing your husband, why didn't you think about him before you slept with the Other Man? At some point, you made a conscious decision to sleep with the OM and discarded any guilt/ thought about your husband and children.

 

4. Now that you are in the middle of a divorce, why do you want to work on your marriage. Are you afraid of losing your husband to another woman? Does the prospect of your children growing up in a torn home with step-parents frighten you? Why wasn't your husband attractive enough BEFORE the affair?

 

5. At any point in the future, will you cheat if you feel bored or another man pays some attention while your husband is preoccupied? Why should your husband trust you again? He could proceed with the divorce and then date/marry/start a family with another woman. Why should your husband forgive you? (Instead of finding another woman). This question seems cruel but chances are that you'll have to face this scenario unless your husband changes his mind. If you were a neutral observer, how would you advise him?

 

It is possible that your husband may have the same questions and may come up with his own conclusions. He may question your motives for reconciling. 'I love you' will not be enough. He may ask why this 'love' wasn't enough to prevent the affair in the first place.

 

 

These are questions that you have to answer for your own sake. I can see that some posters have focused and 'dumped' their frustrations on your thread. You may ignore these posts but the questions I've asked need to be answered during reconciliation.

 

I have absolutely no desire in augmenting the problems and conflicting emotions you are feeling, and hope that your husband forgives you and reconciles. At the moment, I doubt that this will happen and fear that you are heading towards an inevitable divorce. However, before you can move forward, a self-analysis will help you identify your own shortcomings and help you mature as an individual. Even if your marriage ends, you will have to maintain contact with your husband because of your children. Your own children may confront you about your affair in the distant future.

 

At the same time, I do feel that you are genuinely remorseful. However, that remorse serves no purpose unless you act and try to 'win' your husband. Previous posters have asked you to stop 'hiding' and act pre-emptively to earn your husband's forgiveness. That (including begging him) has to start now.

 

Good Luck! Hopefully, your husband will forgive you.

 

 

1. I already answered the “WHY” on my last thread.

 

2. Like I said no my last thread I didn’t know what EA was let alone knew I was having one. We both have shared very bad boundaries. I should of put a stop to the whole then but I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong at the time. So I never sent hours and waiting to hook up. We never actually talked about hooking over text.

 

3. Part me really believed if the affair came to light that my husband would forgive me I never thought he would do everything he has done.

 

4. Yeah I’m scared to lose him to someone else. That can very well happen again but to I never thought he would leave me so at the time I didn’t think I would be able to be replaced. I was clear stupid. I do feel extremely sad about what will happen to my boys if we do get a divorce. I would like to think they had a good life with the both of us together and I destroyed that. sometimes I do feel like I have failed them as their mother and maybe I have

 

5. This affair has made me realize a lot of things. One of them being just how special I was to have him as my husband. He would without a second thought do almost anything for me. Also realized just how much he actually loves me. one of the questions he asked was if I loved the exmm more than him. The way he said with tears in his eyes there can’t be another man in this world that can or could love me like he does and I have taken that for granted and I will not do that again. The thought of him giving another woman what he has given completely kills me inside I really don’t know what I would God I don’t think about it. Why should my husband forgive me and give me another chance I don’t why he should he can go out and find someone

[velvette]

How are things going with your H?

[Sofie2013]

Do you think you would have continued the affair had your husband not found out? I apologize if you answered this already.

 

 

The affair would have ended eventually no doubt about that. Now would I have been the one to end it I don’t know. It really didn’t matter since hubby already knew about the affair in July and had already put a PI on me and my exmm weeks before we would hook up for the second time . He has a lot of dirt on my exmm and about the affair. My husband has been planning for at least 3 months.

[Furious]

Post made by seethingandsmiling on my last thread

 

 

I never, ever planned on sleeping with him that night. It honestly shocks me even now that I did that. it was snowball effect a nice text message turned into more, then it turned into texting, then flirting , and then things got upped. When we had sex the first time, I did not expect it to happen. I did not wake up that day saying, "I was going to sleep with him." I just didn't do that. But it did. I felt awful and guilt I cried after he felt and I was never the same it’s also how my husband found out. So, though I made a vow with myself to not do anything again, it happened again, and at that point, it didn't seem to make much difference, since I had already ruined things anyway and that’s when I stared with the flawed way of thinking.

 

 

 

My husband told me when he expressed guilt to his affair partner she said to not over-think it. It was that simple, by not over-thinking it, by locking away guilt and by buying into "what they don't know won't hurt them", was licence to cross the line.

 

It's very common for affair partners to say they never planned or intended to cross the line and call it fate or something that just happened. But the flip side is the deliberate action to keep the affair secret and that is more telling because it takes effort and conscious action to continue an affair that just happened.

 

The biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

[Sofie2013]

How are things going with your H?

 

Well we had a great Friday night and Saturday. We also spent time as a family all day today so it was a good Sunday. I was hoping he would sleep in our bedroom tonight but he back in his guest room which sucks part me wants to just go over there but maybe he just need space. he seems to be doing fine now

[Sofie2013]

My husband told me when he expressed guilt to his affair partner she said to not over-think it. It was that simple, by not over-thinking it, by locking away guilt and by buying into "what they don't know won't hurt them", was licence to cross the line.

 

It's very common for affair partners to say they never planned or intended to cross the line and call it fate or something that just happened. But the flip side is the deliberate action to keep the affair secret and that is more telling because it takes effort and conscious action to continue an affair that just happened.

 

The biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

 

 

This is very true. My exmm who now I know is very **** person and toxic to anyone around him. Once said to me “we already didn’t once so it won’t make a difference if we do it again and besides what they don’t know won’t hurt them” I still have the email where he states this and what’s scary is I believed him at the time. I clearly was not acting or thinking like I should have been.

[atreides]

Part me really believed if the affair came to light that my husband would forgive me I never thought he would do everything he has done.

 

This would hurt me the most, to be honest Sophie and i appreciate your honesty, but the above tells me all i would need to know. It helps explain part of the why, all of the how and more. Sadly you already knew how special you are to him with the above said. He never had a chance, you "required" and I use past tense in hopes of a new you, but you required 110% of x,y and z validation and comfort, something no man could have given and you went for the extra 10%.

 

 

It really didn’t matter since hubby already knew about the affair in July and had already put a PI on me and my exmm weeks before we would hook up for the second time .

 

The PI was after or before the Hotel call? If before, you H is really in tune with you... such a shame.

 

Your moments now after the A is too new in my opinion and more soul searching is required before you can answer with certainty what many are asking you. I appreciate you allowing us a glimpse of your life, but focus on your H, his teary eyes and his question about your level of love sent chills up my spine. He is hurt, devastated and ... frankly i can't come up with a suitable word at the moment. All i can say is ... make it right.

 

All the best to the both of you.

Edited October 7, 2013 by atreides

[Sofie2013]

Wow! How did he find out in the first place?

 

Well when I came back from the first hook up in June. My husband noticed something wasn’t right with me and stared digging. He came across the phone bill the exmm number came up a few time. He got worried and installed a key logger got his smoking gun and put his plan in play. He wasn’t able to prove much with that since most of the thing we used to communicate was by company computer and also their phone they provide. That’s why my husband told not to fight it because I would lose. It’s somewhat funny the same tricks he used to keep us a secret back fired on him big time

[Furious]

This is very true. My exmm who now I know is very **** person and toxic to anyone around him. Once said to me “we already didn’t once so it won’t make a difference if we do it again and besides what they don’t know won’t hurt them” I still have the email where he states this and what’s scary is I believed him at the time. I clearly was not acting or thinking like I should have been.

 

Just like my husband the red flag, that in hindsight is so obvious, was ignored because you wanted to believe what you wanted to believe.

 

This was not your affair partners first affair. It's obvious you were manipulated by a player.

 

I'm sorry to say, but your vulnerability and craving for validation was very apparent to him and he took advantage of it.

[Sofie2013]

This would hurt me the most, to be honest Sophie and i appreciate your honesty, but the above tells me all i would need to know. It helps explain part of the why, all of the how and more. Sadly you already knew how special you are to him with the above said. He never had a chance, you "required" and I use past tense in hopes of a new you, but you required 110% of x,y and z validation and comfort, something no man could have given and you went for the extra 10%.

 

 

 

 

The PI was after or before the Hotel call? If before, you H is really in tune with you... such a shame.

 

Your moments now after the A is too new in my opinion and more soul searching is required before you can answer with certainty what many are asking you. I appreciate you allowing us a glimpse of your life, but focus on your H, his teary eyes and his question about your level of love sent chills up my spine. He is hurt, devastated and ... frankly i can't come up with a suitable word at the moment. All i can say is ... make it right.

 

All the best to the both of you.

 

realize he could just cut me out like this. I also think the affair was more about me not being happy and dealing with my own issues then it is about him and what he did or didn’t do. I really don’t think if he had given me 110% of everything I still probably would have cheated.

 

The phone call was around the last week of August so his PI was already following me for at least two whole months

Yeah his reaction was very real and it hit hard. I it crushed me and I just went to hug and cried, begged him that would anything he wanted me to do. I’m glad he showed me that side since it was what lead to our hysterical bonding

[Sofie2013]

Well I have been in my room for the past to hours hoping my husband would come in and share a bed with me but that’s not happening so I’m going to make the first move. He going to be moving out soon so I won’t have him much longer so I do want to make the time we do have left special. So if I don’t come back it means everything went well at least let’s hope so

[lindsay1990]

It is amazing the difference between sophie and the poster in the Ow forum in "dDay". Both were caught thru digging and yet their reactions are worlds apart.

 

It really shows you that all us AP are not all the same.

 

Coolit, I think that the most telling part of all Is the choice of forum itself. It would appear that the other poster identifies primarily in terms of her affair (and as ow) rather than on her marriage (hence, he role as ws appears almost collateral)!

 

Just saying, this caught my eye as well but hadn't compared it to Sofie...

[ChooseTruth]

I read that you guys had a night together and that's a little promising. I'm glad you are taking steps forward. Count every little inch forward, keep that hope up. You might have been late in coming around, but I think you have done very well since then.

 

I think you need to find out what your H is looking for, if he knows. Maybe there's something he needs from you that we aren't aware of. I read the post you quoted about expressing your love, that is in fact very important and it sounds like it helped Truth, love, action. These things will get you far. If you want to be with him, maybe approach him in the guest room. See how he reacts, if it's negative back off. If not, go with it. He might just appreciate it.

[atreides]

It is amazing the difference between sophie and the poster in the Ow forum in "dDay". Both were caught thru digging and yet their reactions are worlds apart.

 

It really shows you that all us AP are not all the same.

 

I just finished that thread, the H's for the context given by the OPs are also worlds apart.

[Sofie2013]

OP, Im kind of wondering if you suspect your H is reading this thread since he already installed a key logger? And if so it makes me wonder if you are trying to come off as more remorseful than you really are.

 

 

I have no idea if he reading this as we speak. He could I really don’t know I didn’t even think of the possibility of him reading this till now and I had no idea about the key logger until Saturday. Everything I haven’t written and posted is 100% real and how I really feel.

[road]

Sorry - I'm still calling you out. You had been flirting with him for months. You sat at that bar so that could continue. You wanted more interaction with him. You may not have said "I'm going to stay here and maybe we can have sex" but if you think it's even plausible that you honestly thought how that would never happen so you were fine staying, you're lying to yourself.

 

You sat there so you could have your 'fun guy' to yourself and have drinks and feel 'special' like you did because he flirted with you. There is no doubt in my mind that this is why you stayed and why you had sex.

 

You cried huh? You felt that bad? And yet you kept flirting and somehow you ended up having sex again? Please. Whatever guilt you felt was gone the second he flirted with you again. You made a 'vow' not to do it again, and yet somehow, one day, you just landed in a bed with him inside you.

 

You sat at that bar to keep things going. You wanted things 'upped' as you say. You can deny this all you want, but your story is just that - a story - and your H is going to see through you just like the people here do.

 

I suggest you start being brutally honest with yourself, and then your H, or this divorce will be the next thing that 'just happens'.

 

 

This post is pointless.

 

Everyone can be tempted.

 

Those that do get tempted have poor boundaries allow them to get on the slippery slope.

 

Going to lunch with opposite sex worker. Leads to drinks after work, "lets go to happy hour at that nice place up the block from work, and the web is weaved.

[lindsay1990]

This post is pointless.

 

 

 

Indeed.

 

I, for one, am not questioning your motivations. If they are misplaced, I believe your husband will sense it sooner or later.

 

Yes, you screwed up with no real reason other than your selfishness. Yes, you didn't trip and find yourself naked with the OM - you wanted to eat some cake and thought you could get away with this. Who knows why we do the f*cked up **** we do. What *I* wondered about has been established. You are remorseful (enough) and want to make things right (enough), at least. And to others posters well OF COURSE it is to a certain degree Sofie preserving the integrity of her family and her lifestyle. It is pat of the taking granted that took place on her behalf, and now she doesn't want to lose everything at once. I see nothing majorly wrong with that. It's not like she has expressed a desire to falsely reconcile with her husband and keep stepping out him and to trust her or not, is up to her H, not us.

 

So, I am here wishing you luck and offering support. No questioning from me Sofie. However, I do STRONGLY advise you get yourself into IC. And is possible, more than once a week. Not only as further proof of your good faith (that we should all be presuming) but also to really get to the bottom of why your dissatisfaction was acted out in the most destructive way possible.

[stillafool]

 

This was not your affair partners first affair. It's obvious you were manipulated by a player.

 

I'm sorry to say, but your vulnerability and craving for validation was very apparent to him and he took advantage of it.

 

Why is it that everytime a woman cheats it is somehow turned around to suggest she was manipulated by a toxic player? Sophie like all the other women on LS that cheat are grown women who knew what they were doing the entire time. None of these women are teenagers involved with 30 year old men. People need to place the blame where it deserves to be on both people. She was as toxic to OM and he was to her. Why do people continue to blame the OM because needy women cheat?

[BetrayedH]

I don't think seething's post was pointless at all and that's because they are the same thoughts and feelings Sofie's H will wrestle with. Every flirty text message and button on her blouse was a conscious choice. There were a million stop signs from the first beginnings of the EA and Sofie blew through them all. As repetitive as it might be, it all gets back to "why." Answers like "I didn't think I'd get caught" barely scratch the surface because they don't answer why she wanted it so much in the first place. The answer is about something broken within her such that she would need more than her husband provided, that she would lie to and betray such a good man to get it, that she would blow thru boundary after boundary, and that (as Furious suggested) she would compartmentalize the whole thing away. This matters to her husband. If she's given the chance to reconcile, he will ask variations of this question many more times than we will here. Even his question about her loving the OM is an attempt to understand why.

 

This demands tremendous introspection and I agree with an earlier poster that suggested it's probably too early for Sofie to be there. But it doesn't mean it's a pointless exercise. Surface answers like, "I was selfish and I've learned my lesson" will do little to reassure her husband that the problem is fixed. Plenty of people are tempted and don't cheat. Sofie has admitted to self-esteem issues and that this may have happened even if her H was at 110%. I suggest she keep digging into those and similar trains of thought. This is why IC is critical and where her time should be spent while she's there.

Edited October 7, 2013 by BetrayedH

[Furious]

Why is it that everytime a woman cheats it is somehow turned around to suggest she was manipulated by a toxic player? Sophie like all the other women on LS that cheat are grown women who knew what they were doing the entire time. None of these women are teenagers involved with 30 year old men. People need to place the blame where it deserves to be on both people. She was as toxic to OM and he was to her. Why do people continue to blame the OM because needy women cheat?

 

 

I wasn't blaming the OM for Sofie's choice to cheat. She needs to own it. She got played by a player.

[troubadour]

Sorry - I'm still calling you out. You had been flirting with him for months. You sat at that bar so that could continue. You wanted more interaction with him. You may not have said "I'm going to stay here and maybe we can have sex" but if you think it's even plausible that you honestly thought how that would never happen so you were fine staying, you're lying to yourself.

 

You sat there so you could have your 'fun guy' to yourself and have drinks and feel 'special' like you did because he flirted with you. There is no doubt in my mind that this is why you stayed and why you had sex.

 

You cried huh? You felt that bad? And yet you kept flirting and somehow you ended up having sex again? Please. Whatever guilt you felt was gone the second he flirted with you again. You made a 'vow' not to do it again, and yet somehow, one day, you just landed in a bed with him inside you.

 

You sat at that bar to keep things going. You wanted things 'upped' as you say. You can deny this all you want, but your story is just that - a story - and your H is going to see through you just like the people here do.

 

I suggest you start being brutally honest with yourself, and then your H, or this divorce will be the next thing that 'just happens'.

 

 

Exactly.... but since most posters seem to like Sophie they prefer to accept "easier to swallow" version that she was manipulated and played by her xMM.

[troubadour]

OP, Im kind of wondering if you suspect your H is reading this thread since he already installed a key logger? And if so it makes me wonder if you are trying to come off as more remorseful than you really are.

 

 

I have been wondering about this myself....

[Furious]

I wasn't blaming the OM for Sofie's choice to cheat. She needs to own it. She got played by a player.

 

 

I'd like to add that in most affairs the affair partners buy into lying to their spouses but do not lie to each other. Sofie wanted to believe she was special to her OM but the truth she was not his first affair.

 

I was only pointing out the irony. Sofie ignored the red flags because she wanted to believe what she wanted to believe. The thing is, if you're ok with lying to your spouse don't be surprised you were lied to by your affair partner.