Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[AlwaysGrowing]

Furious, I understand where you are coming from. However, there was no hidden agenda. It was as clear as day where this was leading. He never purported to be anything other than what he was...a married co-worker. That is all the information that one should need to not proceed. Hardly a player at all.

 

Men get blamed by some OW of this very thing as well. A player would not disclose their marital status. If one is aware, then the player card, for me doesnt exist at all.

 

 

Maybe the player that you get played by is yourself.

Edited October 7, 2013 by AlwaysGrowing

[Sofie2013]

Ok time to give you guy the whole story of what happened over the weekend.

 

Besides the fact we had some great sex. We also did a lot of talking not so much about the affair more so what going to happen moving forward. My husband still plans on going through with divorce. Maybe sure that’s was not what wanted but that I did respect his decision. He also told he and his lawyer are already working with settlement and my lawyer should receive it sometime this week. It’s also official he moving next Monday and he already stared packing something. Other than that thing have gotten better between us.

 

I was found out that my work suspension will turn into a termination and exmm will also get fired. My husband told me it was never his intention for me to get fired and he was told it would be safe. What happened was now since the exmm was an executive and is being fired created an opening so now there’s a power struggle going on for that spot and I was fired as a result. He did make it clear he wasn’t sorry it happened because it is my fault but it wasn’t his plan for it to happen. he did however offer his if I need in looking for another job.

[Chi townD]

Ok time to give you guy the whole story of what happened over the weekend.

 

Besides the fact we had some great sex. We also did a lot of talking not so much about the affair more so what going to happen moving forward. My husband still plans on going through with divorce. Maybe sure that’s was not what wanted but that I did respect his decision. He also told he and his lawyer are already working with settlement and my lawyer should receive it sometime this week. It’s also official he moving next Monday and he already stared packing something. Other than that thing have gotten better between us.

 

I was found out that my work suspension will turn into a termination and exmm will also get fired. My husband told me it was never his intention for me to get fired and he was told it would be safe. What happened was now since the exmm was an executive and is being fired created an opening so now there’s a power struggle going on for that spot and I was fired as a result. He did make it clear he wasn’t sorry it happened because it is my fault but it wasn’t his plan for it to happen. he did however offer his if I need in looking for another job.

 

Ah! So, I was right!

 

But, I confused you're husband is offering you...what exactly?

[Scott Thomas]

Sorry - I'm still calling you out. You had been flirting with him for months. You sat at that bar so that could continue. You wanted more interaction with him. You may not have said "I'm going to stay here and maybe we can have sex" but if you think it's even plausible that you honestly thought how that would never happen so you were fine staying, you're lying to yourself.

 

You sat there so you could have your 'fun guy' to yourself and have drinks and feel 'special' like you did because he flirted with you. There is no doubt in my mind that this is why you stayed and why you had sex.

 

You cried huh? You felt that bad? And yet you kept flirting and somehow you ended up having sex again? Please. Whatever guilt you felt was gone the second he flirted with you again. You made a 'vow' not to do it again, and yet somehow, one day, you just landed in a bed with him inside you.

 

You sat at that bar to keep things going. You wanted things 'upped' as you say. You can deny this all you want, but your story is just that - a story - and your H is going to see through you just like the people here do.

 

I suggest you start being brutally honest with yourself, and then your H, or this divorce will be the next thing that 'just happens'.

 

Sohpie, you've given us the events, and the reasons, that led you to your 1st sex session.

 

What about your feelings afterwards? Was the guilt not enough to stop you? Did the 2nd session 'just happen'? Was it not planned? You have to be brutally honest with yourself here. While I sympathise with you, I completely agree with Seething. These are questions that you'll have to think about, regardless of the affair's outcome.

 

There's no 'it just happened' for the 2nd session-you wanted it. Do you think I am correct in assuming this?

 

As for the hysterical bonding with your H, you must realise that this will not decrease the pain he is feeling. He might be thinking 'I'll have sex with her and then divorce'. This is possible. Once the emotional roller coaster starts, he'll love you one minute and hate you the next.minute.

 

To the Other Posters, I think you should stop pointing all your fingers at the OM. Sophie deserves equal blame. It takes two to tango. If there's one thing I've learnt, it's that there are three sides to a story:

His Side

Her Side

And then there's the Truth.

As it appears, we only have access to information that Sophie is providing us. However, I would point out, she is a person than most of the WWs I've come across in the OW section and does seem genuinely remorseful over the loss of her marriage.

 

Sophie, this might hurt your feelings but these harsh words are meant for your own introspection.

 

The OM is an ars****e for targeting a married woman. However, he didn't stand before God and swear an oath for Sophie's husband. He didn't promise him loyalty or fidelity. That was Sophie's job and she clearly failed. It was Sophie's job to protect her vows/marriage and stay loyal to her husband.

 

Anyway, if you want to win your husband, increase your effort and show him that you're an excellent mother to his kids.

Edited October 7, 2013 by Scott Thomas

[stillafool]

 

Besides the fact we had some great sex. We also did a lot of talking not so much about the affair more so what going to happen moving forward. My husband still plans on going through with divorce. Maybe sure that’s was not what wanted but that I did respect his decision. He also told he and his lawyer are already working with settlement and my lawyer should receive it sometime this week. It’s also official he moving next Monday and he already stared packing something. Other than that thing have gotten better between us.

 

 

Okay can someone tell me the point of having sex with the BS when they are planning on going through with a divorce and not going to reconcile? I'm sorry I would feel as though he just wants to do everything to me that OM did just for some type of exit revenge. Not that he wants me or anything but basically treating me like the ho he thinks I am.

[Chi townD]

Okay can someone tell me the point of having sex with the BS when they are planning on going through with a divorce and not going to reconcile? I'm sorry I would feel as though he just wants to do everything to me that OM did just for some type of exit revenge. Not that he wants me or anything but basically treating me like the ho he thinks I am.

 

 

Could be a case of hysterical bonding. It's a subconscious primal and animalistic response to "reclaim" what you believe is yours. Sofie is having it right now. In her other thread, her world was collapsing around her and she stated that she had the strongest urge to jump her husband's bones even though he filed for divorce and informed her work of the affair. She still had the urge.

 

It happens. And it is what it is, nothing more.

[road]

I don't think seething's post was pointless at all and that's because they are the same thoughts and feelings Sofie's H will wrestle with. Every flirty text message and button on her blouse was a conscious choice. There were a million stop signs from the first beginnings of the EA and Sofie blew through them all. As repetitive as it might be, it all gets back to "why." Answers like "I didn't think I'd get caught" barely scratch the surface because they don't answer why she wanted it so much in the first place. The answer is about something broken within her such that she would need more than her husband provided, that she would lie to and betray such a good man to get it, that she would blow thru boundary after boundary, and that (as Furious suggested) she would compartmentalize the whole thing away. This matters to her husband. If she's given the chance to reconcile, he will ask variations of this question many more times than we will here. Even his question about her loving the OM is an attempt to understand why.

 

This demands tremendous introspection and I agree with an earlier poster that suggested it's probably too early for Sofie to be there. But it doesn't mean it's a pointless exercise. Surface answers like, "I was selfish and I've learned my lesson" will do little to reassure her husband that the problem is fixed. Plenty of people are tempted and don't cheat. Sofie has admitted to self-esteem issues and that this may have happened even if her H was at 110%. I suggest she keep digging into those and similar trains of thought. This is why IC is critical and where her time should be spent while she's there.

 

 

Why does not matter.

 

There is no justification.

 

Their are reasons. Such as not knowing how to maintain boundaries.

 

WS words do not instill trust again. However their actions do. Sophie is trying to learn and do what has to be done. She is trying to show her BH by doing.

 

To keep on bashing indicates people that were never a BS. Calling her out continuously because of what she did does nothing to help. Pushing her to do what needs to be done is not the same as pushing her down non stop.

 

If anyone choses to not help a WW recover then they should move on from this post.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Why does not matter.

 

There is no justification.

 

Their are reasons. Such as not knowing how to maintain boundaries

 

Why does matter. If my wife could not answer the "Why's" then I would've divorced her without any hesitation or regret.

 

Sophie says she was selfish. OK. Why was she so extremely selfish? If she is selfish, what happens the next opportunity she has to be selfish and no one will find out.

 

Why did she think it was OK to unilaterally change their marriage vows just for her and not her husband?

 

Why did she not come clean after being busted?! Why did she not own up to her actions? What will she lie about and cover up in the future?

 

Why did she disrespect her husband? Her family? Herself?

 

Why did she ignore all of the red flags?

 

Why did she cross all of those boundaries?

 

Why did the initial guilt not stop her affair?

 

Why did she find the affair so exciting and not repulsive?

 

If the Why's can not be answered, then there is no reassurance for the betrayed spouse!

 

Reasons answer the Why's? Reasons don't justify the affair, but paints a picture of the landscape under which all of this occurred. I prefer the term "factors". For my wife's affair there were many factors that created the perfect storm. I am now well aware of each factor and personality traits that led up to her affair. It took my wife a long time to realize all of these factors. It does not come quickly or easily. All of her initial reasons for the affair mirrored Sofie's "reasons" = superficial. She will have to look deep inside herself and look in the dark places of her soul that no one likes to acknowledge even exists. "I was selfish" may be a true statement but it is still a cop-out and lacks real introspection. For someone to cheat within a relatively healthy marriage indicates that something is very broken within that person. What is broken in Sofie? How is it going to be addressed and corrected?

 

This should be the path forward whether or not they divorce or attempt reconciliation. I feel that Sofie is willing to do these things, but it will take more time and effort.

[atreides]

Exactly.... but since most posters seem to like Sophie they prefer to accept "easier to swallow" version that she was manipulated and played by her xMM.

 

I for one do not subscribe to Sophie being manipulated, my only focus is if she is sincere and remorseful with her H. I already posted to Sophie that her statement about believing her H would forgive her anyway before getting into the A was all i needed to know.

[atreides]

For me admitting my xMM was a seasoned cheater, liar and manipulator was not so I would feel less guilty (actually made me more ashamed I was involved with him. If people find out I feel embarrased I risked it all for sex with him.) but rather an aknowledgement of who he really was and not who I thought he was.

 

on being manipulated

 

In a game of deceit is the argument really going to come down to being deceived by another deceiver? No. From one side of the mirror what the other side is looking at has no bearing as to what you are looking at.

 

In other words, most that argue or call foul on the use of being manipulated, at least for me, is more about that it is irrelevant whether you were lied to or not, whether the feelings the OM had were real or not. It should be irrelevant because there are only two sets of context: either the the OM is sincere and your feelings during the A is requited OR he lied and your feelings were not requited thus it has no relevance as to your feelings to start, go further and etc. into the A.

[atreides]

He manipulates his wife not me. And while he did lie to and about me it honestly is to be expected. But I didn't really want to see him for who he was because I chose to be involved with him. So I do think it is important to be honest about the person we were involved with. It is a part of seeing the whole picture.

 

So you are the inverse of the argument, many are saying Sophie is being manipulated, you are saying your OM's wife was being manipulated. That's a very different context.

[AlwaysGrowing]

For me admitting my xMM was a seasoned cheater, liar and manipulator was not so I would feel less guilty (actually made me more ashamed I was involved with him. If people find out I feel embarrased I risked it all for sex with him.) but rather an aknowledgement of who he really was and not who I thought he was.

 

 

Can you tell me if I understand correctly, because I have heard this before.

 

Its not to lessen your culpability, it is actually adding additional culpability as it should have been apparent who he was?

 

Is it actually adding tools, like jerk detector to your tool belt?

[Scott Thomas]

So you are the inverse of the argument, many are saying Sophie is being manipulated, you are saying your OM's wife was being manipulated. That's a very different context.

 

My business partner lies and deceives me, runs off with my money.

This is manipulation.

 

My doctor informs me that I have a certain disease and will need to undergo a specific treatment. I pay him and go through with the recommended treatment. Later, I discover that the doctor knew that I had no such disease and only wanted my money.

This is manipulation.

 

My spouse lies to me, tells me that she is seeing a friend. Turns out she and her lover were in a hotel.

This is manipulation.

 

I spend days dreaming about someone, face my spouse and make up an excuse for travelling out of town. I spend hours getting ready. We head over to a bar, drink, go back to our room and have sex. We repeat this pattern for a few months.

I not sure if I'm being manipulated here.

[atreides]

My business partner lies and deceives me, runs off with my money.

This is manipulation.

 

My doctor informs me that I have a certain disease and will need to undergo a specific treatment. I pay him and go through with the recommended treatment. Later, I discover that the doctor knew that I had no such disease and only wanted my money.

This is manipulation.

 

My spouse lies to me, tells me that she is seeing a friend. Turns out she and her lover were in a hotel.

This is manipulation.

 

I spend days dreaming about someone, face my spouse and make up an excuse for travelling out of town. I spend hours getting ready. We head over to a bar, drink, go back to our room and have sex. We repeat this pattern for a few months.

I not sure if I'm being manipulated here.

 

Bingo! You are not! Good examples

[Jonah]

Sophie,

I know it hurts to think about it but you should get mentally prepared for any result just in case you don't get the result that you want. I think, be in IC through this whole thing.

 

Jonah

[Sofie2013]

Me and my husband were enjoying another wonder night of HB. We woke up after a very passionate and heated sex session last. In morning went to lay on my husband chest to cuddle a little before he went to work. As I was laying on his chest I looked up give him a smile he in return give me one but turned completely cold. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes. He just got up and get ready and said nothing. Up until this point I was feeling good about things. After seeing the way he looked at me feel crushed. I asked him if I did something and that just seemed too make it worse. I know it trigger or something I wish I could do something but the way he looked at me he probably doesn’t want around me.

[Sofie2013]

Ah! So, I was right!

 

But, I confused you're husband is offering you...what exactly?

 

Offered to help me find another job.

[stillafool]

Me and my husband were enjoying another wonder night of HB. We woke up after a very passionate and heated sex session last. In morning went to lay on my husband chest to cuddle a little before he went to work. As I was laying on his chest I looked up give him a smile he in return give me one but turned completely cold. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes. He just got up and get ready and said nothing. Up until this point I was feeling good about things. After seeing the way he looked at me feel crushed. I asked him if I did something and that just seemed too make it worse. I know it trigger or something I wish I could do something but the way he looked at me he probably doesn’t want around me.

 

This is what I'm saying, he probably was disgusted or he's thinking you are thinking that all of this sex is going to make him change his mind about the divorce. I think he will follow through with the divorce and is taking the sex because he thinks he deserves it. I'm not sure it's a good thing unless Sophie just wants to get off. Sorry!

[BetrayedH]

He was probably wondering if you were like that with OM.

 

That's what I figured, too. For a moment, he felt that special moment but then he felt that he wasn't so special after all. Unfortunately while places, dates, and things like clothing can be triggers, sometimes the WS is the biggest trigger of them all.

 

The best you can do is to apologize and reassure him. Being consistent about it without defensiveness for the long haul is what makes the most difference. I'm sorry. It's very hard for both of you. Reach out to him today, even if it is by text. The anger is typically temporary; it's part of the rollercoaster. Ride it with him as much as you can. Make it a team effort.

 

For what it's worth, I think what he really wants is his wife back. Show him that you're still in there.

[Owl]

He is "on the rollercoaster".

 

One moment he's up, everything feels like it's going great, and everything will be OK.

 

The next moment, it all comes crashing down. Nothing will ever be the same. How can he possibly trust you ever again?

 

Over time, as your marriage recovers, as you learn to talk about things better and work through them, the rollercoaster highs and lows will even out.

 

Just keep this in mind...it's very common for a BS to experience. Try to talk with him where you can, and keep constant in your message that you choose HIM.

[road]

Why does matter. If my wife could not answer the "Why's" then I would've divorced her without any hesitation or regret.

 

You divorced your WW because you chose to. Not because she could not give you the answer you wanted.

 

A WW can not justify her affair. The BH did not force her to have an affair. She could of been unhappy with her BH but that does not justify her affair.

 

WW's give themselves reasons. They re write their marital history. Another reason that they do not keep appropriate boundaries. Another reason is they slip into an EA first by letting the OM meet their needs which then turns into a PA.

 

I can understand a BH wanting to know who, when, where, what, and how long and how many times. These can be answered with facts.

 

Why, is a waste of time.

 

Many a marriage has been recovered with just the BH being told who, when, where, what, and how answered and the WW doing the work needed to recover.

[Spark1111]

You divorced your WW because you chose to. Not because she could not give you the answer you wanted.

 

A WW can not justify her affair. The BH did not force her to have an affair. She could of been unhappy with her BH but that does not justify her affair.

 

WW's give themselves reasons. They re write their marital history. Another reason that they do not keep appropriate boundaries. Another reason is they slip into an EA first by letting the OM meet their needs which then turns into a PA.

 

I can understand a BH wanting to know who, when, where, what, and how long and how many times. These can be answered with facts.

 

Why, is a waste of time.

 

Many a marriage has been recovered with just the BH being told who, when, where, what, and how answered and the WW doing the work needed to recover.

 

WHY was not a waste of time to this successfully reconcile fBS.

 

IT was the only thing that mattered to me.

 

Unless he dug deep and figured out his true issue, not all those superficial ones most WSs whine about after DDay, we were history.

 

HE knowing his WHY was the best reassurance I could receive that I would NEVER have to experience devastating betrayal at his hands again.

 

Some benefits along the way was his realization of how the affair had truly nothing to do with us or me.

 

As for his AP? He never saw her, he didn't have to. He just needed to see the fantasy of perfection he had projected onto her.

 

All good. A marriage is only as strong as it's weakest link. BS WANT to see their spouse grow centered, confident and appreciative....NOT just remorseful.

[turnera]

he seems to be doing fine now

I hope you're kidding.

[Jonah]

I asked him if I did something and that just seemed too make it worse. I know it trigger

 

Ok Sofie so now you know that you don't have to ask if you did something! You knew what was wrong with him but you had to ask anyway. Yes I can see how that exasperate the poor guy and he is obviously beyond trying to explain it to you. And yes that after sex triggers so lets hope that you have the opportunity to get used to that.

 

What would have worked better is simply "I'm so sorry that I ruined it for you (his name)" and before he leaves thank him for making love to you. Just memorize a bunch of different ways to say that your sorry and taking the blame for it. That's really all you can do. That and keep yourself up... look great.

 

I know its hard while you are going through this tough time but try to keep positive... have a positive attitude. Keep in mind that you're going to live a beautiful life no matter what happens. That will look good on you and make you more appealing.

 

You have a goal. It's set in your mind and that does give you an edge.

[shakenandstirred]

Sofie,

 

This is irrelevant, but what is your nationality?