Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Sofie2013]

Sorry - I'm still calling you out. You had been flirting with him for months. You sat at that bar so that could continue. You wanted more interaction with him. You may not have said "I'm going to stay here and maybe we can have sex" but if you think it's even plausible that you honestly thought how that would never happen so you were fine staying, you're lying to yourself.

 

You sat there so you could have your 'fun guy' to yourself and have drinks and feel 'special' like you did because he flirted with you. There is no doubt in my mind that this is why you stayed and why you had sex.

 

You cried huh? You felt that bad? And yet you kept flirting and somehow you ended up having sex again? Please. Whatever guilt you felt was gone the second he flirted with you again. You made a 'vow' not to do it again, and yet somehow, one day, you just landed in a bed with him inside you.

 

You sat at that bar to keep things going. You wanted things 'upped' as you say. You can deny this all you want, but your story is just that - a story - and your H is going to see through you just like the people here do.

 

I suggest you start being brutally honest with yourself, and then your H, or this divorce will be the next thing that 'just happens'.

 

I read this post over and over. The more I read it more I realized your right. Although that night really didn’t go out looking to have sex with him. The possibility was there and I choose to ignore it why because it was fun and it give me a rush.

 

I did feel guilty. This is where exmm came into play. At times he made it seem like it was ok and it really didn’t matter if it happened again since it already happened. I do feel like I was manipulated to some extent but it not completely exmm fault. I could of stopped again I choose not to. I also choose to be manipulated by him.

 

Your right I played just as an active role in what happened as he did. What happened is just as much fault as his as it is mine

[Sofie2013]

I hope you're kidding.

 

He was doing good given the situation he’s in.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie,

 

This is irrelevant, but what is your nationality?

 

My mother and father are both European (Spanish and French). Both of my parents were born in the states. Does it really matter or change anything

[2sunny]

Well when I came back from the first hook up in June. My husband noticed something wasn’t right with me and stared digging. He came across the phone bill the exmm number came up a few time. He got worried and installed a key logger got his smoking gun and put his plan in play. He wasn’t able to prove much with that since most of the thing we used to communicate was by company computer and also their phone they provide. That’s why my husband told not to fight it because I would lose. It’s somewhat funny the same tricks he used to keep us a secret back fired on him big time

 

Nothing about causing harm to others is funny.

 

And you laughing at his digging is just evidence of how cruel you are to him.

[drifter777]

Some men can NEVER get past the images of their wife having sex with another man. Just because he is willing to fu(k you doesn't mean a thing. In fact, it could be a way to take his anger out on you by using you like a kleenex and then roughly tossing you away the next morning. The point is, he sounds like a man who is never going to give reconciliation a serious try, and I think you know that. Your continued attempts to change his mind are only strengthening his resolve to divorce you. I think you would be better off just accepting the situation and start focusing on your life after the divorce.

[stillafool]

Some men can NEVER get past the images of their wife having sex with another man. Just because he is willing to fu(k you doesn't mean a thing. In fact, it could be a way to take his anger out on you by using you like a kleenex and then roughly tossing you away the next morning. The point is, he sounds like a man who is never going to give reconciliation a serious try, and I think you know that. Your continued attempts to change his mind are only strengthening his resolve to divorce you. I think you would be better off just accepting the situation and start focusing on your life after the divorce.

 

This is exactly what I'm thinking. I really think he is having sex with you as a way to take out his anger, do to you what other man did but not because he wants you. That's why he didn't want to cuddle with you afterwards. He is thinking "what a slut" and became disgusted then turned cold. I don't think having sex right now is the right way to go about reconcilinng. I just don't see him getting over this. He's known too long about it and knows the only reason you confessed is because you got caught. But if you want him to continue to use you like the OM did keep having sex with him.

[shakenandstirred]

My mother and father are both European (Spanish and French). Both of my parents were born in the states. Does it really matter or change anything

 

No. Not at all

[ChooseTruth]

Sophie,

 

Asking what you did was a stupid move. I don't know if you should apologize or not. But basically the question would seem to your H that your doing the classical wayward "lets just forget it happened"

 

He went cold because he triggered.

 

You asking "did I do something", even if you just meant in the moment, was a slap to his face and you twisting the knife because his mind was on the affair.

 

Yes you did do something. You destroyed him. Remember that every single moment right now.

 

My opinion is not to explain you only meant at the moment but rather apologize AGAIN for the affair. Or for being insensitive. Always be honest from now on, but tactful.

 

This is a really good point, and putting myself back in that place I might have had a similar reaction. I can see why it would be hard for Sophie to see, and even as a BH I didn't get it until Coolit pointed it out. Very good insight from a fWW. It seems to me this kind of pain and confusion is almost unavoidable in the aftermath of an affair.

 

Sophie I wouldn't beat yourself up for asking the question. I think he knows what you meant...but it sill triggered him. You can learn from it and do your best next time. I think it was a reasonable mistake that I would have easily made myself in your shoes (though I'm sure you weren't wearing any at the time lol)

 

Asking for clarification can be a good thing, you need to communicate with each other. I think the apology thing Coolit suggested is good, and clarifications on what you specifically are asking. Sigh, so fragile of a situation.

[Sofie2013]

Sophie,

 

Asking what you did was a stupid move. I don't know if you should apologize or not. But basically the question would seem to your H that your doing the classical wayward "lets just forget it happened"

 

He went cold because he triggered.

 

You asking "did I do something", even if you just meant in the moment, was a slap to his face and you twisting the knife because his mind was on the affair.

 

Yes you did do something. You destroyed him. Remember that every single moment right now.

 

My opinion is not to explain you only meant at the moment but rather apologize AGAIN for the affair. Or for being insensitive. Always be honest from now on, but tactful.

 

 

Yeah what I said wasn’t something I should of said. I did write him an email apologizing for everything I have done. I do to do in person when he comes home. I wanted him to know I was sorry.

[Try]

As I was laying on his chest I looked up give him a smile he in return give me one but turned completely cold. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes. He just got up and get ready and said nothing. Up until this point I was feeling good about things. After seeing the way he looked at me feel crushed. I asked him if I did something and that just seemed too make it worse.

He imagined you looking up at your affair partner and giving him that very same smile. When something like this happens again, and it will, just say that you are sorry. Do not explain why you are sorry, because he already knows why. Just look down and say you are sorry, and leave it at that. He will still be mad, but it is the best that you can do in a bad situation.

 

Did you see the Movie Argo? A famous dialog from the movie goes like this:

Question to Jack O’Donnell: “You don’t have a better bad idea than this?”

Answer: “This is the best bad idea we have sir, by far.” Jack O’Donnell.

You are in a similar situation right now. There are no sure thing good ideas for you to choose.

[atreides]

Some men can NEVER get past the images of their wife having sex with another man. Just because he is willing to fu(k you doesn't mean a thing. In fact, it could be a way to take his anger out on you

 

This is exactly what I'm thinking. I really think he is having sex with you as a way to take out his anger, do to you what other man did but not because he wants you. That's why he didn't want to cuddle with you afterwards.

 

Yes, I have seen this with a close friend. I asked him why would screw his now ex-wife after all she did? His answer was to get back, he felt in a way that she was his but no matter how many times they had sex, he said he could not drive out what she had done.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

He imagined you looking up at your affair partner and giving him that very same smile.

 

That was my guess, too. Sex for a BH is trigger in of itself. Mind movies galore. Everything they just did, she did with the OM.

[atreides]

HB does not increase the chances of successful reconciliation if one party is not into reconciliation.

 

For success both parties need to be motivated to save the marriage.

 

The hardest part of all of this, especially with reconciliation is quoted from Sophie

 

Part me really believed if the affair came to light that my husband would forgive me I never thought he would do everything he has done

 

I think many miss the significance of just how arrogant and shameful that is. This to me is the heart of the issue, the poor H never had a chance.

[RightThere]

I was pretty sure my husband would kick me out the door. i hoped he wouldn't but I thought he would.

 

A lot do think their husbands will do this, so they justify the affair as their passive aggressive means to an end.

 

Many don't know how to handle it when their husbands consider reconciliation even knowing about the affair(s).

[aliveagain]

Yeah what I said wasn’t something I should of said. I did write him an email apologizing for everything I have done. I do to do in person when he comes home. I wanted him to know I was sorry.

 

 

"He went cold because he triggered", I agree, this is how he pictured you and O/M the night he called your hotel room. This same triggering effect is what helps him rewrite his history with you. The events you brought into your marriage during the last few months now out weigh or have neutralized your previous years together, childbirth is a possible exception. I have tried to think of my ex in a loving, happy, fun way but I can't even years later. To some of us infidelity is just a deal breaker. I wonder if he feels the same way and wants to wipe your marriage(and infidelity) out of existence but still have you in his life? Would you live with him common-law?

[road]

Post dday hysterical bonding can help recover a marriage. HB will not hurt the relationship. HB takes place because the BS and the WS want to go at it. So they should.

[bubbaganoosh]

I think that everybody on this forum that has cheated should read this thread.

 

From what I gather, Sophie had a good marriage and from what she said that her husband would just about do anything for her and loved her with all his heart but for some reason, it wasn't good enough and she cheated.

 

Now that the marriage is shot to hell because of her affair, she NOW realizes that she's about to lose everything and NOW realizes how great of a guy she once had and now he's packing up and divorcing her.

 

Infidelity is wrong in any case but there are times when people are in a really bad marriage and cheat. Yes it's wrong because rather than end it, they step out and cheat. Maybe the crummy marriage was the reason, although flimsy but none the less it's some sort of an excuse, but when it's a good marriage and the cheating spouse has someone that loves them with everything their spouse has in them and they still cheat is something that I will never understand. The long and the short of it is that after all the damage is done the cheating spouse finally gets it through their thick skull that they had a really good thing and took advantage of it and now it's gone. Hind sight being 20/20 they now know that the cheap thrill wasn't worth it and now it's too late.

[atreides]

I think that everybody on this forum that has cheated should read this thread.

 

From what I gather, Sophie had a good marriage and from what she said that her husband would just about do anything for her and loved her with all his heart but for some reason, it wasn't good enough and she cheated.

 

Amen to that.

[Sofie2013]

The hardest part of all of this, especially with reconciliation is quoted from Sophie

 

 

 

I think many miss the significance of just how arrogant and shameful that is. This to me is the heart of the issue, the poor H never had a chance.

 

I thought this for two reasons

One was because it was what I wanted to believe. It made easier to carry on the affair with that way of thinking. Deep down I always knew this could happen I just didn’t want to see it. I was very much a cake eater during my affair. It was just one of many lies I told myself which I am just realized today actually.

 

The second reason is when he cheated on me I took him back. I thought he would do the same. Things is weren’t for one married yet, we weren’t in a good place in short I used to justify my affair.

[road]

I think that everybody on this forum that has cheated should read this thread.

 

From what I gather, Sophie had a good marriage and from what she said that her husband would just about do anything for her and loved her with all his heart but for some reason, it wasn't good enough and she cheated.

 

Now that the marriage is shot to hell because of her affair, she NOW realizes that she's about to lose everything and NOW realizes how great of a guy she once had and now he's packing up and divorcing her.

 

Infidelity is wrong in any case but there are times when people are in a really bad marriage and cheat. Yes it's wrong because rather than end it, they step out and cheat. Maybe the crummy marriage was the reason, although flimsy but none the less it's some sort of an excuse, but when it's a good marriage and the cheating spouse has someone that loves them with everything their spouse has in them and they still cheat is something that I will never understand. The long and the short of it is that after all the damage is done the cheating spouse finally gets it through their thick skull that they had a really good thing and took advantage of it and now it's gone. Hind sight being 20/20 they now know that the cheap thrill wasn't worth it and now it's too late.

 

 

Affairs even happen in good marriages.

[samsungxoxo]

The second reason is when he cheated on me I took him back. I thought he would do the same. Things is weren’t for one married yet, we weren’t in a good place in short I used to justify my affair.

So if he cheated on you too then he isn't so great after all. That would probably make him kind of hypocritical. Even though you guys weren't married, that's still cheating.

[Sofie2013]

"He went cold because he triggered", I agree, this is how he pictured you and O/M the night he called your hotel room. This same triggering effect is what helps him rewrite his history with you. The events you brought into your marriage during the last few months now out weigh or have neutralized your previous years together, childbirth is a possible exception. I have tried to think of my ex in a loving, happy, fun way but I can't even years later. To some of us infidelity is just a deal breaker. I wonder if he feels the same way and wants to wipe your marriage(and infidelity) out of existence but still have you in his life? Would you live with him common-law?

 

I really don’t care. To common law is the same as a marriage to me in my eyes. I would be more than happy being together without the marriage. We both really didn’t want to get married in the first place not because we didn’t love each or anything like we just didn’t feel it was important. The only reason he proposed was to make my parents happy. We both were ok with common law to us it’s still the same I know to others it may not be.

[Sofie2013]

So if he cheated on you too then he isn't so great after all. That would probably make him kind of hypocritical. Even though you guys weren't married, that's still cheating.

 

 

No it was very different. He not the same person he was and we both were very young so it’s not the same. It’s a long story

[samsungxoxo]

No it was very different. He not the same person he was and we both were very young so it’s not the same. It’s a long story

True he might have been young but if his cheating also included sleeping with another girl, I'm sure that must have hurt you a lot.

 

Don't you think deep down, you probably might have wanted to even the score since you stated that you thought he would be understanding and probably take you back. I believe in your mind you were like ''Omg I'm cheating but it's ok for now, he cheated and I forgave him so he'll take me back too''.

 

Now it makes sense why you thought he would take you back.

[Sofie2013]

True he might have been young but if his cheating also included sleeping with another girl, I'm sure that must have hurt you a lot.

 

Don't you think deep down, you probably might have wanted to even the score since you stated that you thought he would be understanding and probably take you back. I believe in your mind you were like ''Omg I'm cheating but it's ok for now, he cheated and I forgave him so he'll take me back too''.

 

Now it makes sense why you thought he would take you back.

 

I might have to give the full story about what happened. It’s not as black and white as its seems. I might post it all tomorrow.