Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[atreides]

I thought this for two reasons

One was because it was what I wanted to believe. It made easier to carry on the affair with that way of thinking. Deep down I always knew this could happen I just didn’t want to see it. I was very much a cake eater during my affair. It was just one of many lies I told myself which I am just realized today actually.

The second reason is when he cheated on me I took him back. I thought he would do the same. Things is weren’t for one married yet, we weren’t in a good place in short I used to justify my affair.

 

Did I miss this before? Trickle truth, trickle story, it took 2 1/2 threads to get here.

Yes Sophie, as in your last post, the whole story please. Without the whole context, people are going to form opinions and jump to conclusions incorrectly.

 

I for one do see a difference in "cheating" when people are dating or boyfriend / girlfriend but once engaged all bets are off. I will have to explain my context on another thread for my reasoning. I am sure my statement is flame war material.

 

Question Sophie, has he cheated since engaged and married?

Edited October 9, 2013 by atreides

[Cpt]

Sophie, you said that you guys spoke about moving forward. Besides him moving out next Monday, did you speak about where your relationship is headed (regardless of divorce)? If so, what is the current/future status?

[ChooseTruth]

I thought this for two reasons

One was because it was what I wanted to believe. It made easier to carry on the affair with that way of thinking. Deep down I always knew this could happen I just didn’t want to see it. I was very much a cake eater during my affair. It was just one of many lies I told myself which I am just realized today actually.

 

The second reason is when he cheated on me I took him back. I thought he would do the same. Things is weren’t for one married yet, we weren’t in a good place in short I used to justify my affair.

 

Wow. I'm amazed that we are just now hearing this. This would be the first thing out of most WS's mouth.

 

I do hold to the belief that everyone is responsible for their own actions though. So this new info shows us her H isn't perfect and has contributed some crap to the relationship... Doesn't change much for me honestly. She still needs to do all the same things she's been doing. If she starts blameshifting because some LSers get vengeful over her H's past, then the M is doomed for sure. I don't think she's going to do that though. Sofie seems pretty set on her course.

[NYWoman]

"The Cheater OM is usually a man with low self esteem and insecurity that needs romantic conquests to feel validated . . ."

 

A total cop out. The truth is that they are better in bed then most men.

 

My first H was awesome in bed. No low self esteem and even less insecurity. Low self esteem and insecure when he had dozens of women throwing themselves at him.

 

He just loved women and loved sex and was far better in bed then 999 out of a thousand men.

 

The truth is women talk and before we married he had women he had never met knocking on his door and wanting to f*ck.

 

The reason I know is that is how I met him. I walked by his apartment and from the screams I heard coming from within knew that I had to find out if he could do the same for me.

 

Yes he was smooth, cocky and self confident.

 

He caught me cheating, and never looked back. Me and my big mouth, he had screwed 2 of my new friends within 6 months. They looked him up

[Steadfast]

"The Cheater OM is usually a man with low self esteem and insecurity that needs romantic conquests to feel validated . . ."

 

A total cop out. The truth is that they are better in bed then most men.

 

My first H was awesome in bed. No low self esteem and even less insecurity. Low self esteem and insecure when he had dozens of women throwing themselves at him.

 

He just loved women and loved sex and was far better in bed then 999 out of a thousand men.

 

The truth is women talk and before we married he had women he had never met knocking on his door and wanting to f*ck.

 

The reason I know is that is how I met him. I walked by his apartment and from the screams I heard coming from within knew that I had to find out if he could do the same for me.

 

Yes he was smooth, cocky and self confident.

 

He caught me cheating, and never looked back. Me and my big mouth, he had screwed 2 of my new friends within 6 months. They looked him up

 

I've read your comments before NYWoman and know well the deep regards you have for your ex. A.K.A.: God's gift to women. Every woman wants him. Every man envies him. Sounds like a beer commercial.

 

If he slept with married women, then he's a emotionally deficient, selfish coward who cares more about his own satisfaction then the innocent men, women and children he's walking on. I know his many star-struck, lust-glazed groupies might disagree, but a real man wouldn't. It matters not how 'good' he is in bed, unless that's the standard of excellence. Is it?

 

If he's not a user, please accept my apology and continue your worship.

 

I will say this; reading this post reinforces my belief that many -if not most- women classify men in two groups; those for hot, naughty sex, and the reliable, controllable baby daddies they tolerate while secretly fantasizing about the one who owns their heart. yes, it's true for men too.

 

I will say this NY Woman; you have no issues classifying women in great big generalized bunches. I think it's refreshing. Most women hate being classified. I wonder if those that hate it most hold the deepest secrets?

 

Everyday I wake up and thank God I'm single and untouched by this.

[stillafool]

[quote=NYWoman;5262093.

 

 

 

The reason I know is that is how I met him. I walked by his apartment and from the screams I heard coming from within knew that I had to find out if he could do the same for me.

 

Yes he was smooth, cocky and self confident.

 

Thank you God and Mom and Dad for giving me high self esteem. I cannot fathom ever being attracted to a man like this and running after him. (Yuk).

[Scott Thomas]

"The Cheater OM is usually a man with low self esteem and insecurity that needs romantic conquests to feel validated . . ."

 

A total cop out. The truth is that they are better in bed then most men.

 

My first H was awesome in bed. No low self esteem and even less insecurity. Low self esteem and insecure when he had dozens of women throwing themselves at him.

 

He just loved women and loved sex and was far better in bed then 999 out of a thousand men.

 

The truth is women talk and before we married he had women he had never met knocking on his door and wanting to f*ck.

 

The reason I know is that is how I met him. I walked by his apartment and from the screams I heard coming from within knew that I had to find out if he could do the same for me.

 

Yes he was smooth, cocky and self confident.

 

He caught me cheating, and never looked back. Me and my big mouth, he had screwed 2 of my new friends within 6 months. They looked him up

 

If he was so great in bed, why did you cheat? Looks like you had God's gift to women.

 

If he grabbed you, pushed you against the wall, smothered your face, lifted you up, nipped at your neck, tore off your clothes and had you moaning the entire night so you could barely walk the next day-why sleep with another man?

[Meatballsmom]

I think you are all missing NYWoman's point, at that is just because a man has had many sexual partners we label him as having low self esteem and insecure. While the truth is totally the opposite.

 

One of the things that women find most attractive in a man is his Self confidence.

 

Society then tries to label him with low self esteem and insecure.

[Sofie2013]

When my husband cheated on me in both were still in college. Around that time we been dating for about 2 years and lived together. I ended up doing a semester abroad so we were apart. A few weeks after I left his grandmother passed away. His grandmother was more like his mom, both my husband and his brother where extremely close to her. So when she passed away in really affected him in a negative way. He stared doing messing with drugs and alcohol. It even got to the point where he was lost his scholarship and came close to getting expelled. With all of this going on he stared messing with the wrong crowed and he ended messing around with one of the girls partying with. Throughout this whole time I would call him and I would ask how he was feeling. I even asked if he wanted me to come back and I would help get through this. at the time I didn’t know drugs were involved. He told me he was fine and was doing great. When I came back from my semester abroad I found just what was going on. By then he already moved out of the house we were renting and to live with the girl he was cheating on me with. I begged him to come back but he wouldn’t and that he was happy. During that summer he reached rock bottom and he came back crying. I took him back and helped him get his act back together and he did.

 

I never really consider what he did cheating because of all other things that came into play. He wasn’t acting like himself or was in the right state of mind. Later on when we got married and stared marriage counseling I found out during that time he tried to commit suicide. From then on he never even came close to cheating or anything like that from that point he became 100% loyal and faithful to me.

[Solcita2]

When my husband cheated on me in both were still in college. Around that time we been dating for about 2 years and lived together. I ended up doing a semester abroad so we were apart. A few weeks after I left his grandmother passed away. His grandmother was more like his mom, both my husband and his brother where extremely close to her. So when she passed away in really affected him in a negative way. He stared doing messing with drugs and alcohol. It even got to the point where he was lost his scholarship and came close to getting expelled. With all of this going on he stared messing with the wrong crowed and he ended messing around with one of the girls partying with. Throughout this whole time I would call him and I would ask how he was feeling. I even asked if he wanted me to come back and I would help get through this. at the time I didn’t know drugs were involved. He told me he was fine and was doing great. When I came back from my semester abroad I found just what was going on. By then he already moved out of the house we were renting and to live with the girl he was cheating on me with. I begged him to come back but he wouldn’t and that he was happy. During that summer he reached rock bottom and he came back crying. I took him back and helped him get his act back together and he did.

 

I never really consider what he did cheating because of all other things that came into play. He wasn’t acting like himself or was in the right state of mind. Later on when we got married and stared marriage counseling I found out during that time he tried to commit suicide. From then on he never even came close to cheating or anything like that from that point he became 100% loyal and faithful to me.

 

I just read your two posts and I have to say that I didn't see this coming... I still remember when you first posted saying he called, MM picked up and at home it was like "nothing happened"... I would have slapped you by then... that's why I didn't even reply.

 

However, I came back today and I found out everything that happened afterwards... and now this last post...

 

The first thing I want to say is that I like the fact that you NEVER used this past story against him... the situations were VERY different... he was by himself, he was messing his ENTIRE life, not only his relationship with you.

In the other hand, your A happened while you were married and OK... and if he was a little bit away and absence from home was because of his job, and you BOTH AGREED on this. Also his job was something he did for the entire family, not a hobbie he was the only one "enjoying".

 

Been said that I think you have to accept the fact that your marriage is over. It's nice to know that you two are treating each other better and he is actually asking questions and leaving the "I don't care, I don't mind, I don't care to know" face... because HE DOES CARE... his entire family went to garbage.

 

I don't have an advice though... give him the time and space he needs... maybe eventually this will turn out for the best... and if he does find someone new, there's nothing you can do actually... because you already had him... and went for something new outside...

 

About the job situation, a bummer, I would keep seeing the job lawyer because if the xMM was a superior and you were under him, you can also be seen as a "victim of power whatever"...

 

So... I REALLY HOPE it gets better... for both of you.

[samsungxoxo]

The plot thickens!

 

 

Your H is no saint. Now I see why he detected your affair so quickly.

 

Cheaters or former cheaters are very good in detecting the signs of infidelity. OTOH, non-cheaters are not very good at detecting the signs of infidelity. Folks judge others from their own perspective. There are a couple of threads about how naive betrayed wives are unable to pick up the clear signs of infidelity.

 

I wonder if your H has an OW. He seems a bit cool under pressure. Your affair may the excuse he needed to pull the plug.

I agree. With this new information Sophie provided, my opinion towards her husband and her situation changed. Interesting how one added information changes the whole story.

[Sofie2013]

This is what didn’t want to say anything about what happened then. I never once stated my husband was a saint. He has his problems like we all do. I choose to forgive him and we moved on. Since then my husband has treated me like gold. A lot of us will never understand what life for him I had to be like. He had no mother or father so everything he has had to do was by himself. Also he hasn’t cheated since he has been 100% faithful and loyal to me that hasn’t changed.

[Sofie2013]

How do you know he has not cheated? You really cannot know one way or the other. Nevertheless, this changes everything.

 

I think you guys are reading way too much into something that happened when he was only 21. I don’t think it change anything at all. The things this proves is my husband only human and he makes mistakes as well. Just because you cheat once doesn’t mean serial cheater

[drifter777]

I think you guys are reading way too much into something that happened when he was only 21. I don’t think it change anything at all. The things this proves is my husband only human and he makes mistakes as well. Just because you cheat once doesn’t mean serial cheater

You're right, Sophie - this doesn't change a thing as far as your current situation goes. What progress are you making toward accepting the divorce and not fooling yourself into thinking HB sex is a step in the right direction? I think that when you do this you will find out if your husband is at all open to trying to reconcile. It will give him a chance to reflect on life without you forever if you give him a taste of life without you now.

[LeGenDary_Man]

I agree. With this new information Sophie provided, my opinion towards her husband and her situation changed. Interesting how one added information changes the whole story.

And how exactly the latest revelation changes the situation?

 

As per known information: Sophie disrespected her marriage! Not her husband. In other words, OP's husband had decency to respect his "marital vows" at least.

 

If a person is not married, s/he is free to make choices about his/her "relationship interests." Only marriage changes the game because it represents a sacred/legitimate/true form of commitment.

Edited October 9, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[samsungxoxo]

If a person is not married, s/he is free to make choices about his/her relationship interests. Only marriage changes the game because it is representation of a sacred/legitimate/real commitment.

What about the people that don't get married and are bf and gf for years, then one of them cheats? This doesn't count either?

 

I think anyone that's 18 years and older (you're not a minor by then), is already an adult that's responsible for their choices they make in life.

 

But ok getting back on topic. Sophie has to keep on reassuring her husband that she only cares about working on whatever relationship they have for now. I think that maybe after he divorces her, he might want to cohabit with her. Maybe the marriage is gone but a relationship might emerge from there.

[Chi townD]

Okay...so, you're sleeping together, had a nice weekend...a good few days, better communication. Yet, he still plans on moving out on Monday.

 

Has he communicated anything about him moving out yet? Where he's going? New address? Game plan with the kids? Any indication that he may be having second thoughts?

 

Have you been going to individual counseling? Has he asked about that? Has he been seeing any self improvements on your part? Has he been seeing you reading books on the matter? Have you even discussed marriage counseling if for anything; to learn how to co-parent together?

Edited October 9, 2013 by Chi townD

[drifter777]

And how exactly the latest revelation changes the situation?

 

As per known information: Sophie disrespected her marriage! Not her husband. In other words, OP's husband had decency to respect his "marital vows" at least.

 

If a person is not married, s/he is free to make choices about his/her "relationship interests." Only marriage changes the game because it represents a sacred/legitimate/true form of commitment.

I don't agree with any of this. A committed relationship is a committed relationship whether there's a marriage license or not. The question of infidelity or not depends solely on what the couple have agreed to with regards to sex with others. If they have an open arrangement then I suppose anything goes, but most couples want and expect fidelity once they agree to commit to each other. A violation of that agreement after that is cheating.

[samsungxoxo]

I don't agree with any of this. A committed relationship is a committed relationship whether there's a marriage license or not. The question of infidelity or not depends solely on what the couple have agreed to with regards to sex with others. If they have an open arrangement then I suppose anything goes, but most couples want and expect fidelity once they agree to commit to each other. A violation of that agreement after that is cheating.

Totally agree. This reminds of this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/290288-my-friends-treats-his-wife-poorly-because-she-cheated-he-his-rights

 

The wife in that story disrespected the man and cheated before they got married but supposedly has been faithful ever since. Just like the OP's husband (then bf) that was still cheating.

 

If my then bf (now ex bf) had cheated on me, I would be upset and hurt. That would be a type of commitment that would have been broken. That's still trust you break.

Edited October 9, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[LeGenDary_Man]

What about the people that don't get married and are bf and gf for years, then one of them cheats? This doesn't count either?

Ethically a person shouldn't cheat on another person to whom s/he is committed to, regardless of nature of commitment. Ethical decision is to end an existing commitment first before pursuing another "relationship interest."

 

However, a person does not have legitimate claim over his/her (cohabiting) partner to commit to him/her in the same manner like married people do (and are expected to). People may choose to respect their cohabiting partners on ethical basis but they are not answerable for their actions to their cohabiting partners in the same manner as they would be in a marriage; a girlfriend is not a wife and a boyfriend is not a husband. Cohabitation cannot be equated with sanctity and legitimacy of marriage, period.

 

Sophie's betrayal is not justifiable on the basis of what her husband did prior to marrying her. If he strayed, she had the option to dump him. However, she made a conscious decision to commit to this man in legitimate/genuine fashion and ironically failed in her obligations. Her betrayal is far worse then her husband's prior to their marriage. You may choose to disagree with my assessment but I regard marriage as the only legitimate and genuine form of relationship/commitment due to my religious upbringing. Outside marriage, nobody has the right to question my interests. Of-course, cheating behavior is unacceptable in all situations nonetheless.

 

I think anyone that's 18 years and older (you're not a minor by then), is already an adult that's responsible for their choices they make in life.

I do not buy this 18 year age based argument either; its just that people are free to pursue their interests at this age level as per LAW. However, their is no fixed age for maturity. My observation is that people typically begin to think rationally about complex matters when nearing 30. At this point, people generally have seen and experienced a lot in their lives. However, I do not deny the possibility for some people maturing much earlier.

[LeGenDary_Man]

I don't agree with any of this. A committed relationship is a committed relationship whether there's a marriage license or not.

So verbal commitment has same value as documented commitment? I disagree.

 

Marriage = Verbal commitment + Documented commitment + Obligations (Legal and Ethical)

Cohabitation = Verbal commitment + Expectations (at maximum)

 

The question of infidelity or not depends solely on what the couple have agreed to with regards to sex with others. If they have an open arrangement then I suppose anything goes, but most couples want and expect fidelity once they agree to commit to each other. A violation of that agreement after that is cheating.

See my post above (# 119).

Edited October 9, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[aliveagain]

Your marriage is based on your vow, your bond, your word to each other. The marriage agreement is just the public record of that word witnessed by friends. You still have Dower rights, regardless of the license, to any property or business you buy and build together. It all comes down to your word, is it worth saying, will it commit you, is it believable, will you stand behind it? Just try and get out of child support even if you are not married to your spouse.

Edited October 9, 2013 by aliveagain

[drifter777]

So verbal commitment has same value as documented commitment? I disagree.

 

Marriage = Verbal commitment + Documented commitment + Obligations (Legal and Ethical)

Cohabitation = Verbal commitment + Expectations (at maximum)

 

 

See my post above (# 119).

I'm not saying you are wrong - you have a right to your opinion and I appreciate your point of view. I'm just sharing my opinion.

[atreides]

 

I never really consider what he did cheating because of all other things that came into play. [/b

 

Well then, to be honest you did not need to bring his "cheating" while dating up with in regards to taking you back for your infidelity. It makes the statement come off cheaper now in my opinion.

[atreides]

There is a a lot of back and forth on infidelity in types or formalities of law. For me it is quite simple, once engaged your are at a point of commitment beyond dating and "BF/GF" I don't care about formalities of law or what marriage via the law or before one's religious beliefs, if one is engaged it transcends the need for semantics.

 

If the two in the relationship have a disagreement as to when "infidelity" to their opinion starts, it should be made known before hand.

 

I have my reasons as to why engagement is my line in the sand but far too long to hash out on a thread where it does not belong.