Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[samsungxoxo]

You can't confirm this. There's no need to blame her husband.

Some men can't stand their wives running off and sleeping with another man. Why is this so hard to understand.

 

He gets betrayed and now you're accusing him. Nice.

I didn't think that way until I read about their past before they got married and how her husband (then bf) would react before.

 

It's just that, I've never heard of a person already suspecting an spouse of cheating right on the first day and being that calculating. But yeah, it's his profession after all.

 

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with divorcing a wife that cheats (her husband is actually doing the right thing), it's how he waited months to plan for divorce procedures. Due to the fact he cheated before, it was quick to spot Sophie's affair.

[atreides]

I didn't think that way until I read about their past before they got married and how her husband (then bf) would react before.

 

It's just that, I've never heard of a person already suspecting an spouse of cheating right on the first day and being that calculating. But yeah, it's his profession after all.

 

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with divorcing a wife that cheats (her husband is actually doing the right thing), it's how he waited months to plan for divorce procedures. Due to the fact he cheated before, it was quick to spot Sophie's affair.

 

 

i only saw part of your quote before... so you are saying, "it takes one to know one?" I do not classify what he did as the same and certainly under hugely different circumstances. To me the line of infidelity as well starts at engagement but not before or equiv agreement/understanding. Not to argue here either, just my opinion.

 

I would say her H is really in tune with her, read a lot of the BS stories, they all had hunches, he just acted faster. he does not come off like a guy who dances around but just goes straight to the point.

[2.50 a gallon]

You are judging and labeling a man a cheater, because upon being devastated by the loss of his last parent figure at age 21, and finding himself alone in the world, he took the wrong path.

 

Put yourself in his shoes!

 

At age 21 he was still a man-child, without an adult guiding light to lead him on into adulthood.

 

Why not praise the man for after foundering, finding a way to recover and make something of himself

 

As for how he discovered her affair, who knows? The wayward think that the betrayed will never find out, while all along by their actions they are leaving clues. It could be as simple as her uttering the OM's name while sleeping beside her BH

[man_in_the_box]

You are judging and labeling a man a cheater, because upon being devastated by the loss of his last parent figure at age 21, and finding himself alone in the world, he took the wrong path.

 

Put yourself in his shoes!

 

At age 21 he was still a man-child, without an adult guiding light to lead him on into adulthood.

 

Stop trying to trivialize cheating. If you're in a two year relationship, living together and then, during the abscence of your partner, cheat on him/her, move in with AP and let your partner find out when he/she returns is pretty disgusting - even considering the circumstances. I don't care that he's 21. Being 21 doesn't give you a free pass to behave like an ass.

 

I've followed this and the previous thread and it dragged me in. Picture perfect marriage - wife cheats for no reason - husband executes a brutal divorce plan - and to top it all off the wife seems to show a lot of genuine remorse for what happened. I really was impressed by how you are all taking this and accepting how wrong it was and taking the blame. Unfortunately that's not very common.

 

It was almost empathy I felt because there are so many WS who are not at all so remorsefull and considerate and get off with way less, let alone those *******s that take their BS to the cleaners after they cheated on them

However I was still on the husbands side all those pages - after all cheating is cheating and if he cannot cope with that than it is his prerogative to terminate the marriage.

 

I'm not sure what to think after the whole pre-marriage debacle - it definitely changes the whole story for me.

 

Good luck

[NYWoman]

m.i.t.b.

 

Did you too lose both parents and grandparents by age 21?

 

If not you are, your opinion is as heavy as ant phart in wind storm

[man_in_the_box]

He did not lose both his parents at the age of 21 - he had already alienated from them if I recall somewhere from the thread. He did lose his grandmother at that age.

 

When my husband cheated on me in both were still in college. Around that time we been dating for about 2 years and lived together. I ended up doing a semester abroad so we were apart. A few weeks after I left his grandmother passed away. His grandmother was more like his mom, both my husband and his brother where extremely close to her.

 

I'm not saying that is not a tough pill to swallow - as a matter of fact I lost my last grandparent at 20. And I'm sure if she was like a mother than that's even harder. But does that justify his actions?

 

I never realized that losing a relative gives you a free pass at cheating. I'll inform my girlfriend - I'm sure she'll understand.

[Sofie2013]

How after reading all accusations of him cheating it made me kind of paranoid. I decided to actually check on my husband and started snooping. I checked his all his social media site he has and emails. His credit card and account statement (he uses the same password for everything). i stared looking at our phone bill and found nothing again. So if he is cheating he extremely good at covering his tracks and most he some kind of pro. Now I feel worse than before I feel guilty for not trusting and like the biggest hypocrite.

 

BTW. When my husband cheated we both were in college and lived in the same house but weren’t leaving together as a couple. We both had separate rooms; we were roommates at first who started dating. So at the time there wasn’t a huge commitment to each other at the time. It’s not the same as what I did.

[Sofie2013]

Well I am going to make my lawyer in about half an hour to go over the settlement my husband sent. I really don’t want to do this right now. I don’t really have a choice any more. I will let guys know how it goes.

[BetrayedH]

The simple fact is that Sofie forgave her H and subsequently married him. It has no bearing on her infidelity. But it does explain why she might have hoped for some measure of forgiveness.

[Cali408]

What does HB mean?

[Sofie2013]

Just came back from the meeting with my lawyer. We went over everything together. My lawyer does feel it fair. He is asking for a clear split basically. He gets what’s his and I get what’s mine. The only thing that is confusing this house if everything goes through he want the house will remain in both of our names and he would continue to pay all house expenses until the kids are 18 in return he would not pay any child support. Now things do change if I remarry in that time-frame or if I do move someone else in the house as a partner. I would have joint custody and I would be custodial parent. Without going to much more details I think it’s fair and I might end up agreeing to it. It’s not what I want to happen it is what it is. I just have to deal with it and hope for the best.

[Sofie2013]

What does HB mean?

 

hysterical bonding.

[BetrayedH]

Just came back from the meeting with my lawyer. We went over everything together. My lawyer does feel it fair. He is asking for a clear split basically. He gets what’s his and I get what’s mine. The only thing that is confusing this house if everything goes through he want the house will remain in both of our names and he would continue to pay all house expenses until the kids are 18 in return he would not pay any child support. Now things do change if I remarry in that time-frame or if I do move someone else in the house as a partner. I would have joint custody and I would be custodial parent. Without going to much more details I think it’s fair and I might end up agreeing to it. It’s not what I want to happen it is what it is. I just have to deal with it and hope for the best.

 

Weird scenario with the house and child support. He should just have you pay him his half of the equity in the house, sign in over to you, and then do child support by state guidelines/formula.

 

But, your lawyer is better to advise you than me. And I suspect you don't have the cash to pay him his half of the equity; perhaps he knows that and so this is an alternative.

[Cali408]

Also, the house in your name. If he gets hurt, loses his job, etc, your credit goes down the tubes.

[BetrayedH]

I am worried about the offer regarding the house and no child support. I would counter I say the kids are going to be very expensive when they go to college. College tuition needs to be negotiated.

 

My wife and I just agreed to both contribute an equal monthly amount to a 529 plan.

 

But I'm also concerned about the math on the child support. If it's equal to his expenses on the house, I suppose it would work. In my state, you can't fool around with child support this way.

[KathyM]

This sounds like the settlement offer my sister had with her divorce after her husband cheated. He paid the mortgage payment on the house in lieu of child support. Of course, they also had a sizeable financial portfolio and a business together, so that was divided with her getting the liquid assets, and him getting the business. No college tuition was considered in the divorce settlement because a parent is not legally obligated to pay for their child's college tuition in the U.S., so it is thought that college tuition is not a part of child support, but of course you could always ask for it as part of the divorce settlement. I doubt you would get it, though.

[Sofie2013]

I am worried about the offer regarding the house and no child support. I would counter I say the kids are going to be very expensive when they go to college. College tuition needs to be negotiated.

 

My parents already set up a college fund for them. It a birthday present

 

I also have been saving my part of my income towards their college tuition. My husband has always for the most part has taken care of all the expenses. I never really paid for anything

 

 

The kid’s college isn’t that big of a deal we taken care of that. Besides I don’t believe parents should pay the full cost of them going to college some of that should fall on them

[Sofie2013]

Weird scenario with the house and child support. He should just have you pay him his half of the equity in the house, sign in over to you, and then do child support by state guidelines/formula.

 

But, your lawyer is better to advise you than me. And I suspect you don't have the cash to pay him his half of the equity; perhaps he knows that and so this is an alternative.

 

According to my lawyer it isn’t that weird.

I don’t have the cash to buy him out so don’t have that many options and he does know that.

[Sofie2013]

Also, the house in your name. If he gets hurt, loses his job, etc, your credit goes down the tubes.

 

The house will remain in his and my name.

 

The chances of my husband losing his job are slim. Even if he does they would have to buy him out of the firm. I am also looking for another job so it shouldn’t be a problem.

[Sofie2013]

My concern is this: the money he pays into the house is equity and upon sale he will get the back(hopefully). But child suppport is not something you ever get back financialy. So is he paying ALL the monthly mortgage payments? In that case I can see it. But if you are sharing...

 

Also, can you pay utlities, food and clothes and other expense for your children? You aren't even employed. I'd say it woild be better to sell the house and find an arrangement where it won't be a financial struggle for you to raise the kids.

 

Or you could do like those families where the kids stay on the home and the parents are the ones to take turns.

 

In case we do sell the house he would get back what he put in. my lawyer said from a money stand point this will work out best for him. I would work more like a long term investment.

 

He would pay the mortgage in full as well the utilities. Actually this works out better for me in the short term since I wouldn’t have to pay anything up front and it does give me time to find another job.

 

Nothing set in stone. Things still can change if need be

[Sofie2013]

How true that is. These kids almost are guaranteed to double their birthday and Christmas presents.

 

Yeah but they lose a lot more

[BetrayedH]

As long as the numbers work out 50/50, I don't see anything wrong with it (monthly home expenses about equal to what monthly child support would be).

 

Make sure you get "exclusive use of the marital home." When you sell, he'll be entitled to half of the equity (which is also fair).

 

Sounds like he's not trying to take you to the cleaners. The only problem is that it expedites a divorce that you don't want.

 

Personally, I think you do exactly that. Long divorces are bitter. Give him the fair divorce easily and focus on repairing the relatonship long-term.

[turnera]

I would include insistance that he pays for top of the line long-term disability insurance as well as life insurance, so that if he becomes disabled or dies, there is still money to pay the mortgage and bills.

[BetrayedH]

I would include insistance that he pays for top of the line long-term disability insurance as well as life insurance, so that if he becomes disabled or dies, there is still money to pay the mortgage and bills.

 

My social security death benefit goes to my kids in those kinds of events. Insurance needs beyond that would questionable. Still, a good thing to look into.

[atreides]

How after reading all accusations of him cheating it made me kind of paranoid. I decided to actually check on my husband and started snooping. I checked his all his social media site he has and emails. His credit card and account statement (he uses the same password for everything). i stared looking at our phone bill and found nothing again. So if he is cheating he extremely good at covering his tracks and most he some kind of pro. Now I feel worse than before I feel guilty for not trusting and like the biggest hypocrite.

 

BTW. When my husband cheated we both were in college and lived in the same house but weren’t leaving together as a couple. We both had separate rooms; we were roommates at first who started dating. So at the time there wasn’t a huge commitment to each other at the time. It’s not the same as what I did.

 

To me this was not cheating or if for the sake of argument is not anywhere near what sophie did, IMO its a moot point. It sounds like a witch hunt to vindicate Sophie