Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Sofie2013]

I agree. If you are being "honest" and say those things in your case where you aren't running off to be with MM you would have tonadd.

"mommy is sorry but daddy can't forgive her and give her a second chance"

 

Which is also true and not necessarily wrong but not something I think a 7yr ild needs to know.

 

That’s exactly how they could end up reading this situation. They could very well end up and angry with their father for what he doing even though he prefect in his right to do so. No 7 yr. old has a good understanding on a betray of his level some adults don’t even have that kind of understanding. Asking a 7 yr. to understand that is just too much for them at that age.

[BetrayedH]

I read a few post on that thread. I also read your post and it was given few ideas on how I go about telling them.

 

I also agree with you about lying to the kids is never good. Given the current situation that might just be what is best. If they ever do ask in the future I will tell them.

 

My kids have yet to ask. It's been a year since the divorce (to the day, actually - is that a divorciversary?). I've decided if the kids ever do ask direct questions, I'm going to direct them to ask their mother. And if she doesn't give them the truth, then I will.

[BetrayedH]

Wow, what a thread. I got to say if there is one thing more controversial and heated then politics and religeon it is parenting. Every step of the way there are a 1000 dif. Opinions. And some givers of opinions think anyone differing is committing child abuse.

 

It was heated. The one post I agreed with most is that no one would want someone else making the decision for their kids.

 

On a side note, Decorative and I got to be great virtual friends after that thread. Smart woman.

[road]

Both my husband and I agreed telling them something like that could do more harm than good. In the future if they ever do ask I will tell them the full truth. My twins are still not old enough to understand.

 

 

Children age 4 can understand this concept. Dr Harley says that 4 yo kids can handle the truth. That is the truth without details. Yet it conveys what you did and sends the message that such behavior is wrong.

[road]

Both my husband and I agreed telling them something like that could do more harm than good. In the future if they ever do ask I will tell them the full truth. My twins are still not old enough to understand.

 

Telling the truth is better then lying.

 

What lie are you going to tell them?

 

How are they to learn the consequences of having an affair?

 

Affairs tend to run in families. You being honest would ensure the cycle gets broken.

 

Dr Harley says kids young as 4 will understand the truth of you having an affair.

[janedoe67]

One marriage author and businessman advocates telling children no matter their age. That does not make it a universal truth. For the record, we DID tell my kids, and the youngest was young.

 

HOWEVER, no matter how....um, loyal his followers, one man's advice does not a universal absolute make.

 

BTW, I am the first person I know of in my family to have an A so that whole running in families thing isn't a given.

[road]

Road, do you really think this is the best approch in Sophie's situation considering that her twins are only 7? I feel sorry for you.... I really do.

 

Yes. ten letters

[road]

I agree. If you are being "honest" and say those things in your case where you aren't running off to be with MM you would have tonadd.

"mommy is sorry but daddy can't forgive her and give her a second chance"

 

Which is also true and not necessarily wrong but not something I think a 7yr ild needs to know.

 

 

That is blaming the dad for not forgiving. Better to say dad got hurt to much to stay married.

[road]

My kids have yet to ask. It's been a year since the divorce (to the day, actually - is that a divorciversary?). I've decided if the kids ever do ask direct questions, I'm going to direct them to ask their mother. And if she doesn't give them the truth, then I will.

 

 

This is sticking your head in the sand. You will never know if your kids asked and what spin your WW put on the story. You counting on the kids to alert you or that WW will be honest is living in a fools paradise.

[road]

One marriage author and businessman advocates telling children no matter their age.

 

Not true. I did not pull a number out of the air.

[Sofie2013]

Well we just told the kids. We tried to keep it simple. I told them me and there dad are having problems because of something mommy did and mommy and daddy think its best we get a divorce. We had to explain to them what a divorce actually was. We made it a point to tell them we loved them very much and it was something between mommy and daddy. At first it looked like they took it well. Then they stared to realize what is all actually meant. Over all they seem to have handled everything a lot better than I thought they would. I know there’s more to come when thing actually start to change and that’s when it will really begin to affect them.

 

On another note my husband has already started moving out. I wish things would slow down I feel like everything is moving so fast. It just seems like it one thing after another. What I wouldn’t give to put my life on hold right now.

[odin673]

But it is the truth and the part he played. Why should just her part be known? Obviously one can pick and choose what to be honest about...

 

It makes the BS sound like a bad person for not "forgiving"(something we are taught to always do which is BS). The OP's husband is in no way to blame for this outcome.

 

I think the best way to do it would be in a way that doesn't antagonize either parent.

[BetrayedH]

This is sticking your head in the sand. You will never know if your kids asked and what spin your WW put on the story. You counting on the kids to alert you or that WW will be honest is living in a fools paradise.

 

Whatever, bud. When the time is right and either of my kids want to know, they'll be told. My exwife will have the first chance to tell her truth. If they don't get the truth from her, I will know because I will ask them. If she puts a spin on it, that's on her and I cannot control her. But they will get the ugly truth from me.

 

As for Harley, you really should stop drinking the kool-aid. The preponderance of counsel on sharing adult situations like this with children lies somewhere between "age-appropriate" and "never." Take the guy off the pedestal.

[BetrayedH]

Well we just told the kids. We tried to keep it simple. I told them me and there dad are having problems because of something mommy did and mommy and daddy think its best we get a divorce. We had to explain to them what a divorce actually was. We made it a point to tell them we loved them very much and it was something between mommy and daddy. At first it looked like they took it well. Then they stared to realize what is all actually meant. Over all they seem to have handled everything a lot better than I thought they would. I know there’s more to come when thing actually start to change and that’s when it will really begin to affect them.

 

On another note my husband has already started moving out. I wish things would slow down I feel like everything is moving so fast. It just seems like it one thing after another. What I wouldn’t give to put my life on hold right now.

 

What worked best for my kids was understanding that they will still have plenty of time with both parents. In our case, we swap the kids every 3-4 days. So we were able to tell them that they would spend 3-4 days with me and then 3-4 days with Mom. They like knowing the schedule and making plans around it.

 

Research shows that kids take longer to recover when one parent is at fault. They recover more quickly when neither parent is at fault. This is why you'll see so much that discourages any denigration of the other parent.

 

More importantly, kids almost always blame themselves. They think they did something bad or misbehaved too much. Reassure them that they did nothing wrong, that they will still spend plenty of time with both parents, that both parents love them, and that nobody is really at fault. I even make a point to say that this happens to about half of married couples and that a bunch of their classmates probably have divorced parents, too. Young kids like this will adapt and before you know it, they'll be focused on the excitement of new, cool stuff at at Dad's condo. If they see that the adults have got a good plan and can be trusted to handle the details, they'll go back to their life and trust you.

[aliveagain]

Sofie it is so sad to see the disintegration of your family, sad because no matter what people tell you your children will be affected. I know this first hand because my daughters have had to go through a lot of counseling and they still need all kinds of help, specially my youngest. We robbed them of a normal family life and they didn't deserve that, after all, parents are supposed to protect their children. How stupid we can be as adults not to consider them in our selfish acts, they are innocent and look to us for their security and protection. One day they have a perfect family and then bang, they have dads new girlfriend/wife and mom's new boyfriend/husband to contend with. They are hurt when other children come into the mix, they don't know how to deal with jealousy and feeling that they are no longer your most precious possession. Try explaining a blended family to them and why they have to be shuffled around from one household to another. Once you step over that line there's no taking it back. It breaks my heart to read some of the wayward posts on LS about how well their affairs are going, if only they knew the truth that we now know. Your reality is so sad because I know how hard divorce will be on your family, I have already gone through it.

[petee]

Sophie, I've been rooting for you since you opened the threads. I have this feeling that this is one of those steps backward after what seemed a good weekend last week. I have a feeling that this is necessary, putiing space between you and the divorce rolling along as a pseudo punishment. This is maybe a healing process for H and once he's in his new found castle with the draw bridge up he will sit down, reflect and wonder. Whatever it is it's going to take time and solitude from you for him to work it out. A feeling of realism is bound to float over him then that actually although he's said he wants a divorce, he'll see that he's actually getting a divorce and it will need more thought.....

Just as an aside, when you have had these conversations has he ever asked you what you and the AP did in bed, where you went what you said etc? For him to start healing I'd have thought that conversation was necessary.

I'm glad that you've shown as much consideration for the children as absolutely possible, you sound like a good mum and that is of paramount importance right now. Hold tight, a fight is never lost till you give in.

There are loads of wise people on this thread, at some point, after he's moved out, start making a real effort to look 'wow' when you do have to see him. Show him what he's missing. I'm definitely no expert but all the tricks like perfume and makeup?

You said you'd like to put your life on hold? I'd have though fast forward to get some distance from dday?

Edited October 13, 2013 by petee

[aliveagain]

Well my other thread was closed again I don’t know why, so I decided to make new one

 

 

On page one of your original post you say that you and O/M(who you work with in the same department) have been having an affair for 6 months and you hook up on business trips, before work, after work, at lunch and O/M's wife also works with you and is your friend. On another post you state that you and O/M have only had sex twice, which is correct, what kind of an affair have you been having for 6 months, am I misunderstanding something?

[janedoe67]

You're looking to make the children angry with Sophie and you've found some quack to back up your desires.

 

This is why I think telling kids should be weighed. Because sometimes (like in my case) it is necessary to tell the kids because they are driving themselves crazy with worries about what THEY did. In that case, a BROAD and GENERAL truth is in order:

 

wives and husbands are only supposed to love and be close to each other. Mom made some bad choices and became close to someone else, and Dad is really hurting, but we are trying to work on getting through it.

 

BUT....to give a 5 year old details and names....there is one reason and one reason only to do that. Unless the AP is a prolific child molester, if NC is in place a 5 year old doesn't need a name. A 5 year old doesn't need a definition of adultery.

 

The bottom line motivation for a lot of this kind of advice is just to insure that as many people as possible in the life of the FWS believe he/she is horrible and unredeemable for as long as possible. Let's just call a spade a spade.

[BetrayedH]

This is why I think telling kids should be weighed. Because sometimes (like in my case) it is necessary to tell the kids because they are driving themselves crazy with worries about what THEY did. In that case, a BROAD and GENERAL truth is in order:

 

wives and husbands are only supposed to love and be close to each other. Mom made some bad choices and became close to someone else, and Dad is really hurting, but we are trying to work on getting through it.

 

BUT....to give a 5 year old details and names....there is one reason and one reason only to do that. Unless the AP is a prolific child molester, if NC is in place a 5 year old doesn't need a name. A 5 year old doesn't need a definition of adultery.

 

The bottom line motivation for a lot of this kind of advice is just to insure that as many people as possible in the life of the FWS believe he/she is horrible and unredeemable for as long as possible. Let's just call a spade a spade.

 

A lot of it stems from Harley's method of "killing the affair" with widespread exposure. Road can help identify the chapter and verse. While widespread exposure maybe effective in that capacity, I don't think it's good for reconciliation if the wayward is so motivated out of shame, fear, and obligation. Nor do I think it's right to use children towards that end.

 

I'm a huge advocate for honesty but children in these cases is one of my exceptions. I had PTSD from my wife's infidelity and it's still with me in some ways today (2 1/2 years post Dday). I don't want them suffering anything like it in their formitive years. Suffering thru an amicable divorce is enough.

[velvette]

To add to this:

 

My parents divorced when I was young. My father, in addition to many serious flaws as a husband, cheated, and with someone close to my mother. It must have been about as horrible as anyone can imagine.

 

Do you know what my sister and I knew? That mommy and daddy were going to live in separate houses and that they both loved us. Why? Because taking away a parent via blaming them for the child's world changing hurts the child. There is NO reason for a child to see parents in a bad light unless the parent is a danger to the child.

 

Stop thinking that one more swipe at Sophie is good for the kids. It is not. Hate cheating all you want, but making kids suffer because of it is cruel.

 

Can you explain how you found out the truth? How old were you and how did you feel when you found out that things were different than what you were told as a child?

[Sofie2013]

On page one of your original post you say that you and O/M(who you work with in the same department) have been having an affair for 6 months and you hook up on business trips, before work, after work, at lunch and O/M's wife also works with you and is your friend. On another post you state that you and O/M have only had sex twice, which is correct, what kind of an affair have you been having for 6 months, am I misunderstanding something?

 

 

The affair stared out as an EA which stared in March it turned into PA in June. During that summer we went on a total of four business trips together and hooked up 3. When I said we would meet before, lunch and after work were more so dates then anything. We only hooked up 3 times.

[Sofie2013]

I agree with most of you keeping this a hidden from the kids right now is what’s best for them. if they later do decided ask about the full truly about why my husband I and really divorced then I will tell them. I won’t lie to them when that time comes they deserve to know the truth.

[BetrayedH]

I agree with most of you keeping this a hidden from the kids right now is what’s best for them. if they later do decided ask about the full truly about why my husband I and really divorced then I will tell them. I won’t lie to them when that time comes they deserve to know the truth.

 

Is your husband onboard with that approach? It seems like it up to this point. But in his world, only his vote will count. I only ask because I still wrestle with it (my oldest is 11 now). If I change my mind, my ex won't get a vote.

[Ninja'sHusband]

To add to this:

 

My parents divorced when I was young. My father, in addition to many serious flaws as a husband, cheated, and with someone close to my mother. It must have been about as horrible as anyone can imagine.

 

Do you know what my sister and I knew? That mommy and daddy were going to live in separate houses and that they both loved us. Why? Because taking away a parent via blaming them for the child's world changing hurts the child. There is NO reason for a child to see parents in a bad light unless the parent is a danger to the child.

 

Stop thinking that one more swipe at Sophie is good for the kids. It is not. Hate cheating all you want, but making kids suffer because of it is cruel.

I agree with this when it comes to younger kids. Probably not for older ones though.

[Sofie2013]

Is your husband onboard with that approach? It seems like it up to this point. But in his world, only his vote will count. I only ask because I still wrestle with it (my oldest is 11 now). If I change my mind, my ex won't get a vote.

 

 

Yeah he’s on board. He never intended to my boys about the affair but he didn’t want to lie to them. in the end he decided to support whichever way I decided to approach the situation.

 

If my husband does change his mind in the future, I wouldn’t have problem telling them. I would like to be the one to tell if that time comes. I would like him to tell me first although. It would bother me if he just did it out of the blue.