Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[troubadour]

If it was me Sofie, being as remorseful as you are, I would do more than give you a pass but return your sincerity with showers of adoration.

 

But being this "Great Man" is being a hypocritical cold ass so maybe you really will be better off with someone that actually has a heart. Let the jerk go.

 

 

This thread is becoming comical.... it really is.

[Clay]

Well I am new to this site. I just read most of this post. I was the guy being cheated on by my ex-wife though out my 10 year relationship with her. I was "That Guy" that believed she would change. I found she was up to it again. I threw her out and filed for Divorce. I kept the kids and she moved in with her new man. In all my dealings with her all I ever heard from her was how it was my fault and I drove her to do it. Reading your Post had really helped me a lot Sofia2013. I know people can be harsh and I do get it that you were in the wrong but it sure is nice to know there are people out there that do have feelings and are remorseful for there actions. I do plan on starting a new post to get some thoughts on my kids DNA test. I had two kids with my ex-wife and I have raised the kids by myself most of there lives. My son will be 16 in November. Sadly my kids do not look that much like me and so I have finally broke down and did a DNA test on them. The results are in my email I just cant bring myself to read them until this weekend. They will be with there mother this weekend and if I get bad news I dont want them knowing or seeing me upset. I do hope you are able to find some path of happiness with your Husband.

 

Thanks

 

Clay

[road]

Well I am new to this site. I just read most of this post. I was the guy being cheated on by my ex-wife though out my 10 year relationship with her. I was "That Guy" that believed she would change. I found she was up to it again. I threw her out and filed for Divorce. I kept the kids and she moved in with her new man. In all my dealings with her all I ever heard from her was how it was my fault and I drove her to do it. Reading your Post had really helped me a lot Sofia2013. I know people can be harsh and I do get it that you were in the wrong but it sure is nice to know there are people out there that do have feelings and are remorseful for there actions. I do plan on starting a new post to get some thoughts on my kids DNA test. I had two kids with my ex-wife and I have raised the kids by myself most of there lives. My son will be 16 in November. Sadly my kids do not look that much like me and so I have finally broke down and did a DNA test on them. The results are in my email I just cant bring myself to read them until this weekend. They will be with there mother this weekend and if I get bad news I dont want them knowing or seeing me upset. I do hope you are able to find some path of happiness with your Husband.

 

Thanks

 

Clay

 

 

Clay, the DNA chain maybe broken. Though the relationship you have with your kids will not break.

[Jonah]

[/b]

I might be the minority here but I think you are comparing apples to oranges.

 

You maybe right... there is a difference. One that immediately forgave with no prejudges and made a man. Then another clinging to vindictiveness and destroyed a woman.

 

So perhaps not the difference between an apple and an orange, but more like the difference between an apple and a horse turd.

[Sofie2013]

How are you holding up?

 

I would be lying if I said I was fine. The truth is I am missing him a lot. I try to keep myself busy going fun things with the kids just spending time with them. I have stared going to the gym with my mother no less she thought it would be a great idea. Which it was, if anything good has come from this ordeal is the fact that I have lost about 25lb so far and still losing. Which is good since I have been trying to use weight for ever it’s not the way I would have liked to lose it but it works. The nights are the hardest I stay up all night thinking about him and what he going. I’m getting little to no sleep because of it. It’s harder coping with everything and it hurts not having him with me not being able to call him to say Hi after all he was my best friend he was one of the few people I could tell anything to. I wonder if he feels the same. Most people say it does get better with time at least that’s what I’m hoping for

[Sofie2013]

Well today hubby came and picked up the kids. He going to have them till Monday. He picked them up around 6 but stayed around and the 4 of us ate dinner together. It was nice having the 4 of us together and it felt great. The only bad part is I won’t have my boys till Monday. I don’t know what I will do until then I have been using them to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t have to think our pending divorce and all this other stuff going on in my F’ed world.

[Trimmer]

I do plan on starting a new post to get some thoughts on my kids DNA test. I had two kids with my ex-wife and I have raised the kids by myself most of there lives. My son will be 16 in November. Sadly my kids do not look that much like me and so I have finally broke down and did a DNA test on them. The results are in my email I just cant bring myself to read them until this weekend. They will be with there mother this weekend and if I get bad news I dont want them knowing or seeing me upset.

Clay - the DNA results may tell you something about your EX, but it won't change anything about your kids. Once you've gotten as far as you have with them, it's not so much about the ACGT codes in the DNA, but about the bond you have built over all these years. Nothing in those results changes where you are right now with your kids.

[BetrayedH]

I would be lying if I said I was fine. The truth is I am missing him a lot. I try to keep myself busy going fun things with the kids just spending time with them. I have stared going to the gym with my mother no less she thought it would be a great idea. Which it was, if anything good has come from this ordeal is the fact that I have lost about 25lb so far and still losing. Which is good since I have been trying to use weight for ever it’s not the way I would have liked to lose it but it works. The nights are the hardest I stay up all night thinking about him and what he going. I’m getting little to no sleep because of it. It’s harder coping with everything and it hurts not having him with me not being able to call him to say Hi after all he was my best friend he was one of the few people I could tell anything to. I wonder if he feels the same. Most people say it does get better with time at least that’s what I’m hoping for

 

I feel or you. Keep leaning on family. I'm sorry to say that friends usually aren't so reliable; they don't know what to say (many times they just don't get it) and eventually tire of it (while there can be exceptions). But my mother was remarkable.

 

At least you have a fairly amiable divorce. Mine got pretty bitter over custody (she refused 50/50). We eventually got to 50/50 but 10 months of arguing via attorneys REALLY didn't help.

[Confused48]

That thing that happened in your 20s that when your soon to be H shacked up with another woman... you say didn't affect you much, because you felt sorry for this guy because he was going through a tough time. That infidelity would have really hurt most people in those vulnerable years. But you gave him a pass, brushed him off and made him who he is today. In return for your support in making this man, as soon as he finds that you are no more perfect than he, instead of trying to help you, stopping you before it gets worse he cunningly sets you up to insure that your life gets ruined just because he can.

Oh he is so smart for pulling this off! Big deal. Big man? No. Small Man.

 

If it was me Sofie, being as remorseful as you are, I would do more than give you a pass but return your sincerity with showers of adoration.

 

But being this "Great Man" is being a hypocritical cold ass so maybe you really will be better off with someone that actually has a heart. Let the jerk go.

 

I totally agree with this.

 

[/b]

 

 

I might be the minority here but I think you are comparing apples to oranges. Im not agreeing with what her H did 20 years ago but there is a big difference between cheating/leaving your college girlfriend when she leaves the country, and cheating on your spouse who you have a life and children with.

 

Personally, I agree with how her H is handling it. All of us here see the remorse but in reality she wasn't this regretful wife until her H called her hotel room while he was in bed with her married boss (who was married to her friend).

 

Apples to oranges, really? Cheating is cheating, no?

 

So what if it was 20 years ago. I can see it festering over time, resentment building, pushed down by denial. Then when temptation presents itself, wham. Oh my, he cheated. He had some fun on the side, can't I?

 

I think like that myself even now sometimes. Then I come to my senses. I realize my WS pretty much stuck a fork in own eye to get fun on the side. Do I deserve a fork in the eye fun on the side....

 

Bottom line though, her H is a hypocrit and does not deserve to have this woman. IMHO.

[Lordsnow]

I totally agree with this.

 

 

 

Apples to oranges, really? Cheating is cheating, no?

 

So what if it was 20 years ago. I can see it festering over time, resentment building, pushed down by denial. Then when temptation presents itself, wham. Oh my, he cheated. He had some fun on the side, can't I?

 

I think like that myself even now sometimes. Then I come to my senses. I realize my WS pretty much stuck a fork in own eye to get fun on the side. Do I deserve a fork in the eye fun on the side....

 

Bottom line though, her H is a hypocrit and does not deserve to have this woman. IMHO.

 

wow i can not believe people are comparing college love with marriege...once you've taken a vow in front of god,family and friends and sworn to be faithful to your spouse nothin absolutely nothing excuses cheating!...i feel sorry for sofie, but this is not the same one bit.

[man_in_the_box]

Yeah because in your 20's getting cheated on doesn't hurt...?

[road]

Well today hubby came and picked up the kids. He going to have them till Monday. He picked them up around 6 but stayed around and the 4 of us ate dinner together. It was nice having the 4 of us together and it felt great. The only bad part is I won’t have my boys till Monday. I don’t know what I will do until then I have been using them to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t have to think our pending divorce and all this other stuff going on in my F’ed world.

 

 

This good. You making yourself look better. Creating new fun moments as a family with diner. Making points.

[Sofie2013]

I feel or you. Keep leaning on family. I'm sorry to say that friends usually aren't so reliable; they don't know what to say (many times they just don't get it) and eventually tire of it (while there can be exceptions). But my mother was remarkable.

 

At least you have a fairly amiable divorce. Mine got pretty bitter over custody (she refused 50/50). We eventually got to 50/50 but 10 months of arguing via attorneys REALLY didn't help.

 

 

Yeah even though my family isn’t happy with me at the moment they still have been very supportive in helping me get through this. Friends aren’t as reliable and I’m learning that the harder way. Some of my oldest friends are the same ones trying to get with my husband now. Its good in a way since it has shown me the fake ones from the really ones. My mom has been great too I was really scared to tell since I really thought she would never speak to me again or at least not for a while but no she been very helpful and she a great work out buddy. My mom is 56 but she still looks like she did in her 40’s.

 

Our divorce should run smoothly I don’t see our divorce Turing ugly.

 

Why did your wife refuse 50/50 custody and did you get 50/50

[Sofie2013]

Well I am new to this site. I just read most of this post. I was the guy being cheated on by my ex-wife though out my 10 year relationship with her. I was "That Guy" that believed she would change. I found she was up to it again. I threw her out and filed for Divorce. I kept the kids and she moved in with her new man. In all my dealings with her all I ever heard from her was how it was my fault and I drove her to do it. Reading your Post had really helped me a lot Sofia2013. I know people can be harsh and I do get it that you were in the wrong but it sure is nice to know there are people out there that do have feelings and are remorseful for there actions. I do plan on starting a new post to get some thoughts on my kids DNA test. I had two kids with my ex-wife and I have raised the kids by myself most of there lives. My son will be 16 in November. Sadly my kids do not look that much like me and so I have finally broke down and did a DNA test on them. The results are in my email I just cant bring myself to read them until this weekend. They will be with there mother this weekend and if I get bad news I dont want them knowing or seeing me upset. I do hope you are able to find some path of happiness with your Husband.

 

Thanks

 

Clay

 

I am so sorry for what your wife is putting you through I can’t even imagine what you are going through. Please think before you get that DNA test. You could be opening Pandora’s Box what you find could to more damage than good. I had a friend in high school who parent were going through a divorce and her father end up DNA testing his 3 kids the reason why I never knew regardless he found my friend his only daughter wasn’t his really his daughter. It really messed my friend up it completely destroyed her. She end up hating both of her parents and she moved out as soon as she could and moved away. Her brother tried reaching out to her but she wasn’t having it.

 

I guess what I’m trying to stay is whatever you do and find out don’t tell your kids. Divorce is already harder enough and realizing their father isn’t really their father could have unthinkable outcome. Think about like this if your wife their mother could do something like this who knows what she could do. I know many may not agree with me.

 

Although I will say this your wife is a piece of S***. Cheating is one thing but to do this is just has no words. Their really should be a law against things like this the fact she can walk away like nothing is crazy to me and unbelievable. Again I am sorry.

[Sofie2013]

This good. You making yourself look better. Creating new fun moments as a family with diner. Making points.

 

 

I’m not reading too much into the dinner, I think it was more so he got tired of eating take out and fast food. Hubby is a lot of things but a cook isn’t one of them. Not by a long shot but it was still nice.

[Jonah]

if anything good has come from this ordeal is the fact that I have lost about 25lb so far and still losing.

 

Be aware the weight will come right back on with a vengeance if you let yourself sink into depression. Give up and stop caring and you'll be obese within two years. Newly single? get healthy, be happy. Pay attention to what you are doing. Be mindful of the fact that you have a tendency to find escapes from reality.

[Sofie2013]

Be aware the weight will come right back on with a vengeance if you let yourself sink into depression. Give up and stop caring and you'll be obese within two years. Newly single? get healthy, be happy. Pay attention to what you are doing. Be mindful of the fact that you have a tendency to find escapes from reality.

 

I’m already in somewhat of a depression. Most of the weight I have lost is probably do to all the stress and all the other emotions I’m feeling. I just stared eating full meals again. Although I’m still getting little to no sleep I still have to work on that.

 

I don’t see myself as single yet not until I know that my husband 100% finished with me even if it takes some time. I’m willing to wait.

[BetrayedH]

Why did your wife refuse 50/50 custody and did you get 50/50

 

After 10 months of me saying no to anything short of 50/50, it took 6 hours into mediation before she revealed that she was afraid of "the stigma" of being a mother that didn't get primary custody.

 

It's wrong on so many levels. Regardless, I stuck to my guns and yes, we landed on 50/50. Let's just say that court would have resulted in a lot more stigma.

[Confused48]

. Although I’m still getting little to no sleep I still have to work on that.

.

 

Sorry to hear that. Same for me. It's tough to get on with life when you can't get a good nights sleep.

[road]

I’m not reading too much into the dinner, I think it was more so he got tired of eating take out and fast food. Hubby is a lot of things but a cook isn’t one of them. Not by a long shot but it was still nice.

 

 

I am not reading anything into anything.

 

It is called meeting needs. Your BH as all spouses have needs to be met. When the WS shows that they can be faithful, go NC with their AP. They are meeting a need.

 

Providing loving meals, family activities are other cases of needs being met. When a Spouse sees all of his needs being met they usually will decide to stay in a marriage. This concept works to keep the WS and the BS in their marriage.

 

I am hoping that you are reading into the importance of meeting needs.

 

You allowed your OM to meet your needs that is why you put out and let the OM bang you. This is why affairs start.

 

Sad that you spend time here and yet do not appear to learn anything.

[petee]

Sophie, disregard some of the nonsense some people feel they need to bore you with. They may have agendas for their own small little lives.

You need to remain focused on yourself, making sure you don't start going downhill with the lack of sleep and intake calories - this is fundamental. You must also try to look a little further ahead than usual, you say you had your H around, please tell me you dressed to impress. If not why not?!!

Do not give up the fight, it isn't over until YOU say it is. Don't expect a quick miracle though, slowly slowly does it!

Chin up and stay focused on what you want, do not dwell on any of the rubbish some of the none-too-helpful posters are typing to try and hurt/discourage you!!

[purplesoul]

Sofie, I have been quietly following your thread and it really has resonated with me. You really REALLY need to show your husband how HORRIBLE you feel, this is the only way, I believe, he will garner any belief in what you say, and perhaps the only way you can save your marriage. I say this from a (milder experience).

 

My husband had an EA, and it devastated me. He assumed him going through with whatever I wanted was the way to respect me, and give me what I want. He thought that when I said, leave me the f*ck alone, and I want a damn divorce, that I meant it. Truth of the matter is, I wanted him to SHOW HIM HOW MUCH he regretted what he did. Now that we're reconciled, he tells me that he truly only reacted coolly because he felt it's what I WANTED, and he thought his non-defense and just going with whatever I said was a way to show me how much he loved me. Hell no. It showed me nothing. I needed to see HOW MUCH he regretted what he did. I needed to see it on his face. When I did, things started to get better.

 

The point of all this is, this is NO time for dignity. You want to save you marriage, go ALL OUT. Don't think you acting all level headed and 'understanding' is going to do anything. I might be wrong, maybe he wants this over with. But give it a fighting chance. FIGHT against letting go of this SO EASILY. You f*cked up, yes, but mistakes don't define a person. He might view your willingness to just 'accept' all this as proof you don't love him. Perhaps I am wrong, but it's a possibility. It's certainly what I thought.

Woman, all I am saying is SHOW what you feel. You want this man, you want this marriage, FIGHT FOR IT. Show your husband THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS and your words how SORRY you are, how DEEPLY YOU REGRET. You want to break down, do it infront of him. LET him see. Even if it doesnt work after all this, at least you'll know you tried.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I find it a very poignant thought that when someone has what he or she wants, loves and wishes to preserve but is unmindful of it's fragility and due to their carelessness and callousness, end up losing it, leaving a huge void which cannot be filled, they then realize what they have lost and how precious it was for them. Sofie is on the verge of losing her marriage and her husband and is now wracked with emotional pain over her loss. One can only sympathize with her but at the same time not be able help her materially because what is about to happen is the result of her own folly. One cannot go back in time and undo the wrongs that one committed and which become so apparent in hind sight. It is sad but it has to be borne with dignity and courage.

 

On another note Sofie, you are fast approaching Rock bottom and soon your worst fears will have come true. After this the path only leads upward and you will see better days as time goes by whether you get your husband back or whether you make a new life with someone else. Time alone will tell. As I had suggested before get down on your knees and pray, even though you may not be a religious person. So many people who have had very little connection with organized religion, in circumstances where they were faced with huge problems which seemed insurmountable, have prayed and their prayers have been answered. They will be in your case too.Best wishes to you. Cheers!

[Clay]

Sofie2013,

 

I really appreciate your words. I did check the DNA tests for my kids. They are my kids. I can't tell you how a sigh of relief I have for that.

 

I reflect on my past when I think about your situation and I understand all the seriously hurtful and negative things people say to you or about you. In truth what has happened and it did for a reason one could say it was a mistake but it did happen never the less. Now to how you dealt with it after it all came out I think you have done well. Most people don't get the secondary damage that is caused once the affair is made public. I do hope you look at more help for yourself.

 

Taking care of yourself now is more important than ever.

 

Clay

[Sofie2013]

Well my BIL actually give me a call back with was a surprise. We talked about my husband mostly I learned a lot about how he was feeling for the last few. It turns out my husband wasn’t as happy was I thought. According to my BIL he hasn’t felt the same about our relationship as he once did and he never said anything because he felt it was just a phase and things would get better. My affair just made clear to him that I know longer felt the same either (which is not true) and it was time to move on.

 

On another I actually got a job interview for November 5 which is in about two weeks.