Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Raven3321]

Well tonight was a bad night. As I was putting the boys to sleep one of them asked when daddy was coming home I really didn’t know how to answer it. So I told them the true and about the divorce again. They though it was own going to be for a few days and they stared to crying. I was very close to breaking down in front of them I don’t know how but I didn’t. I just held them and told them it was going to be ok. They went to sleep eventually, although they look so different now so sad and defeated. I can’t believe what I have done to them I’m the one who supposed take care and protect them yet it’s my actions that hurting them and making them cry. It hurts and kills me inside to know what I have done to them.

I remember when my little boy would ask when I was going to live with them again. Breaks my heart even now. I know what you're going through. It may take awhile but they'll eventually get used to it. Still praying for you and you're husband.

[Yesterday]

Well tonight was a bad night. As I was putting the boys to sleep one of them asked when daddy was coming home I really didn’t know how to answer it. So I told them the true and about the divorce again. They though it was own going to be for a few days and they stared to crying. I was very close to breaking down in front of them I don’t know how but I didn’t. I just held them and told them it was going to be ok. They went to sleep eventually, although they look so different now so sad and defeated. I can’t believe what I have done to them I’m the one who supposed take care and protect them yet it’s my actions that hurting them and making them cry. It hurts and kills me inside to know what I have done to them.

 

Totally feel badly for your children, and you. Such a heart wrenching time!

 

Are you going to reach out to your husband about this conversation. I believe you had indicated you would let him know when you told your boys?

 

When you do, it will remind him of the reason for the pain too, so be prepared to accept this also. He might appreciate how difficult this is for you at this moment, but don't count on it as this is so early in the separation.

 

Be strong, and take care.

[Sofie2013]

Totally feel badly for your children, and you. Such a heart wrenching time!

 

Are you going to reach out to your husband about this conversation. I believe you had indicated you would let him know when you told your boys?

 

When you do, it will remind him of the reason for the pain too, so be prepared to accept this also. He might appreciate how difficult this is for you at this moment, but don't count on it as this is so early in the separation.

 

Be strong, and take care.

 

 

 

I didn’t tell them about the affair. My husband doesn’t want to tell them so I won’t. What I meant by “the truth” was about the divorce and what I actually means and that my husband wouldn’t be living here anymore.

 

I don’t plan to tell him about last night. Does he really lead to know he already hurting enough, why add more

[Yesterday]

I didn’t tell them about the affair. My husband doesn’t want to tell them so I won’t. What I meant by “the truth” was about the divorce and what I actually means and that my husband wouldn’t be living here anymore.

 

I don’t plan to tell him about last night. Does he really lead to know he already hurting enough, why add more

 

I understand now what you meant as the truth about your divorce. How will you handle the boys questions about what has brought the divorce about?

 

I think he needs to know, this is an extremely important conversation you have had with the boys. I believe it is better coming from you, as it certainly will from them in the very near future.

 

Yes, more pain and hurt but as in my own wife's affair, there are many moments of pain, anger and love. We are 10 months out from her disclosure.

[Leelou]

So what if your husband, after a few years of being unhappily married to you (as his brother told you), set you up?

 

He IS a lawyer, right?

 

He did see how his colleague retaliated against a cheating wife, just one year earlier. Retaliated, and won. Won everything. He got to keep his money, his house, and his reputation. She 'got what was coming to her'.

 

So he got to thinking, planning... what if he subconsciously 'pushed' you to an affair? Got to working long hours, got to ignore your needs. Then put a PI on you when you showed any sign of change. Got his ducks lined up in a row. Divorced you. He still looks like the 'good guy' at his work (the victim of his wife's infidelity), at home (wife feels like crap, kids know 'mommy did something bad to daddy', thus SHE is to blame, NOT him), and all the old friends rally around him.

 

Seems like he has solved his problem of wanting out of the marriage without being seen as the guy who walked out... as a deserter... as not trying.

Very lawyer like.

 

I must remember this tactic. Sounds ingenious.

 

My husband was married before. He had several affairs during their several years of marriage. One day he came clean to her, she immediately got rid of him, she had the backing of HIS family, all their friends, their church, their child was in her care... he was the outcast, IGNORED by everyone they knew.

So... she divorced him within a couple of months, then moved into her lover's home and married HIM two months after the divorce came through. Later, my husband found out that his exwife had been having her own affair, and jumped on his disclosure to dump him and come out looking good in front of everyone they knew.

 

This is what your story reminds me of.

[Leelou]

You know how they say you should Never Admit Fault in an accident? Because even if you think YOU are to blame, you might not be, but if you claim responsibility, then you are to blame.

 

Well. Your husband didn't have to claim anything was wrong with the marriage. You weren't even aware of his discomfort in the marriage (but your brother in law knew)... this shows your husband had a loooong time to think. Think and plan.

 

While he couldn't ensure you'd get involved in an affair, he certainly had been planning for a long time, watching and waiting for a way out, and for YOU to take the fall. And yup, you claimed full responsibility. But maybe you didn't know what he was doing, what HIS part in all this was.

[Scott Thomas]

Sophie,

 

You could try using co-parenting as an excuse to maintain contact and show him that you want to reconcile.

[Scott Thomas]

You know how they say you should Never Admit Fault in an accident? Because even if you think YOU are to blame, you might not be, but if you claim responsibility, then you are to blame.

 

Well. Your husband didn't have to claim anything was wrong with the marriage. You weren't even aware of his discomfort in the marriage (but your brother in law knew)... this shows your husband had a loooong time to think. Think and plan.

 

While he couldn't ensure you'd get involved in an affair, he certainly had been planning for a long time, watching and waiting for a way out, and for YOU to take the fall. And yup, you claimed full responsibility. But maybe you didn't know what he was doing, what HIS part in all this was.

 

 

Ma'am,

 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how high are you?

 

I spilled my tea over my laptop when I read your post.

You just made my day.

 

Cheers!

[Sofie2013]

So what if your husband, after a few years of being unhappily married to you (as his brother told you), set you up?

 

He IS a lawyer, right?

 

He did see how his colleague retaliated against a cheating wife, just one year earlier. Retaliated, and won. Won everything. He got to keep his money, his house, and his reputation. She 'got what was coming to her'.

 

So he got to thinking, planning... what if he subconsciously 'pushed' you to an affair? Got to working long hours, got to ignore your needs. Then put a PI on you when you showed any sign of change. Got his ducks lined up in a row. Divorced you. He still looks like the 'good guy' at his work (the victim of his wife's infidelity), at home (wife feels like crap, kids know 'mommy did something bad to daddy', thus SHE is to blame, NOT him), and all the old friends rally around him.

 

Seems like he has solved his problem of wanting out of the marriage without being seen as the guy who walked out... as a deserter... as not trying.

Very lawyer like.

 

I must remember this tactic. Sounds ingenious.

 

My husband was married before. He had several affairs during their several years of marriage. One day he came clean to her, she immediately got rid of him, she had the backing of HIS family, all their friends, their church, their child was in her care... he was the outcast, IGNORED by everyone they knew.

So... she divorced him within a couple of months, then moved into her lover's home and married HIM two months after the divorce came through. Later, my husband found out that his exwife had been having her own affair, and jumped on his disclosure to dump him and come out looking good in front of everyone they knew.

 

This is what your story reminds me of.

 

I really don’t know what to say to this. The only thing to say is my husband had nothing to do with the affair. Yes he was unhappy but still wanted this marriage to work. Trust me if my husband was really unhappy and wanted out he would just do so.

 

I betrayed him and hurt him that’s why he isn’t here now

 

PS. YOU don’t push someone to have an affair, they do it on their own.

Edited October 24, 2013 by Sofie2013

[ChooseTruth]

So what if your husband, after a few years of being unhappily married to you (as his brother told you), set you up?

 

He IS a lawyer, right?

 

He did see how his colleague retaliated against a cheating wife, just one year earlier. Retaliated, and won. Won everything. He got to keep his money, his house, and his reputation. She 'got what was coming to her'.

 

So he got to thinking, planning... what if he subconsciously 'pushed' you to an affair? Got to working long hours, got to ignore your needs. Then put a PI on you when you showed any sign of change. Got his ducks lined up in a row. Divorced you. He still looks like the 'good guy' at his work (the victim of his wife's infidelity), at home (wife feels like crap, kids know 'mommy did something bad to daddy', thus SHE is to blame, NOT him), and all the old friends rally around him.

 

Seems like he has solved his problem of wanting out of the marriage without being seen as the guy who walked out... as a deserter... as not trying.

Very lawyer like.

 

I must remember this tactic. Sounds ingenious.

 

My husband was married before. He had several affairs during their several years of marriage. One day he came clean to her, she immediately got rid of him, she had the backing of HIS family, all their friends, their church, their child was in her care... he was the outcast, IGNORED by everyone they knew.

So... she divorced him within a couple of months, then moved into her lover's home and married HIM two months after the divorce came through. Later, my husband found out that his exwife had been having her own affair, and jumped on his disclosure to dump him and come out looking good in front of everyone they knew.

 

This is what your story reminds me of.

 

And now people probably know how much worse of a person she is. You know it at least. Moved in immediately and then got married two months after...yeah. People probably see the truth.

 

I would never lie because I *think* someone else is lying. What an F-ed up place this world would be if everyone did that. It's like someone having an affair because they suspect the other person is already having one.

 

Well I might lie if I think someone else is, but only as a sarcastic joke I expect them not to fall for.

 

I won't make the call for Sophie, either way I think she should do the right thing. It's always best in the long run.

[Trimmer]

Well tonight was a bad night. As I was putting the boys to sleep one of them asked when daddy was coming home I really didn’t know how to answer it. So I told them the true and about the divorce again. They though it was own going to be for a few days and they stared to crying. I was very close to breaking down in front of them I don’t know how but I didn’t. I just held them and told them it was going to be ok. They went to sleep eventually, although they look so different now so sad and defeated. I can’t believe what I have done to them I’m the one who supposed take care and protect them yet it’s my actions that hurting them and making them cry. It hurts and kills me inside to know what I have done to them.

OK, so being honest with them about the reality of the divorce is important, so they begin to adapt to it, and don't harbor unrealistic fantasies about what may happen in the future.

 

At the same time, along with being honest with them about the changes that the divorce will bring, you can reemphasize that both you and their dad still love them just as much as ever, and that this fact will not change - that you will both continue to love them and care for them. That doesn't make it all better, but it does speak directly to one of their fears - perhaps unspoken.

 

While he couldn't ensure you'd get involved in an affair, he certainly had been planning for a long time, watching and waiting for a way out, and for YOU to take the fall.

Can you please be very specific about where this information was posted by the OP? How did you come to this conclusion from what she has shared with us?

 

So what if your husband, after a few years of being unhappily married to you (as his brother told you), set you up?

 

So he got to thinking, planning... what if he subconsciously 'pushed' you to an affair?

What if? If he had done this, then the OP still always had the free will to choose many alternate paths of action other than entering a relationship with another person, including options all the way up to separation and the ultimate get-out-of-jail card: divorce. His actions, whether intentional or not, may have pushed her away, but her choices led her to the path she found herself upon.

 

And she seems to understand this rather well:

I really don’t know what to say to this. The only thing to say is my husband had nothing to do with the affair. Yes he was unhappy but still wanted this marriage to work. Trust me if my husband was really unhappy and wanted out he would just do so.

 

I betrayed him and hurt him that’s why he isn’t here now

 

PS. YOU don’t push someone to have an affair, they do it on their own.

Indeed, Sofie seems to own this completely. While not condoning your affair, I admire your ownership of it, and your honesty with yourself.

[miguelcervantes]

You know how they say you should Never Admit Fault in an accident? Because even if you think YOU are to blame, you might not be, but if you claim responsibility, then you are to blame.

 

Well. Your husband didn't have to claim anything was wrong with the marriage. You weren't even aware of his discomfort in the marriage (but your brother in law knew)... this shows your husband had a loooong time to think. Think and plan.

 

While he couldn't ensure you'd get involved in an affair, he certainly had been planning for a long time, watching and waiting for a way out, and for YOU to take the fall. And yup, you claimed full responsibility. But maybe you didn't know what he was doing, what HIS part in all this was.

 

This is truly amazing stuff! Parallel universe stuff! I used to write stuff like this back in the seventies, no one ever took my Nixon story seriously until it was too late.

[miguelcervantes]

I didn’t tell them about the affair. My husband doesn’t want to tell them so I won’t. What I meant by “the truth” was about the divorce and what I actually means and that my husband wouldn’t be living here anymore.

 

I don’t plan to tell him about last night. Does he really lead to know he already hurting enough, why add more

 

Sofie, it might help sharing what your kids are going through purely from a "heads up" point of view with your husband so that you both agree how to handle this going forward (and explain it to him like this so that he doesn't feel like you are trying to add to his pain). My 2 cents worth. Still rooting for you.

[Leelou]

Ma'am,

 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how high are you?

 

I spilled my tea over my laptop when I read your post.

You just made my day.

 

Cheers!

 

High, nope not at all... perhaps sleep deprived.

 

Great, lol, glad you had a good day.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie, it might help sharing what your kids are going through purely from a "heads up" point of view with your husband so that you both agree how to handle this going forward (and explain it to him like this so that he doesn't feel like you are trying to add to his pain). My 2 cents worth. Still rooting for you.

 

I have told hubby tonight. He called asked to speak and say good night. After he was done saying good night to them I asked to speak to him. I told him everything about what happened yesterday night with the boys. We talked about it, he said he would talk to them and he brought up maybe bring them to counseling. When he brought that up I asked why we don’t do co-parenting counseling. He didn’t say yes but he didn’t say no either he said he would think about it. Hopefully he does decided to go.

[BetrayedH]

I have told hubby tonight. He called asked to speak and say good night. After he was done saying good night to them I asked to speak to him. I told him everything about what happened yesterday night with the boys. We talked about it, he said he would talk to them and he brought up maybe bring them to counseling. When he brought that up I asked why we don’t do co-parenting counseling. He didn’t say yes but he didn’t say no either he said he would think about it. Hopefully he does decided to go.

 

Well done.

[miguelcervantes]

I have told hubby tonight. He called asked to speak and say good night. After he was done saying good night to them I asked to speak to him. I told him everything about what happened yesterday night with the boys. We talked about it, he said he would talk to them and he brought up maybe bring them to counseling. When he brought that up I asked why we don’t do co-parenting counseling. He didn’t say yes but he didn’t say no either he said he would think about it. Hopefully he does decided to go.

 

Good. One step at a time. Well done!

[Sofie2013]

Well my husband came and picked up the kids. We all ate dinner together again. My husband and I had another talk with the kids about the divorce and what it meant going forward. We tried to make it clear as possible that it had nothing to do with them and it was between mommy and daddy and that we both loved very much. It didn’t go very well they both stated asking questions we really didn’t know how to answer. We tried our best to answer them as best as we could. One thing good that came out of the talk with the kids was hubby agreed to go co-parenting counseling with me.

 

Me and hubby also had talk it was more small talk as he helped me wash the dishes. He’s actually to going Vegas and asked me if he could drop off the kids Sunday night since his flight leaves Monday in the morning. I said it was fine as long he didn’t bring them home to late.

 

So yeah that’s a little update on what happened tonight.

[whichwayisup]

One thing good that came out of the talk with the kids was hubby agreed to go co-parenting counseling with me.

 

This is great news. Focus on the kids and being the best co parenting unit together.

[miguelcervantes]

Keep going Sofie - all good signs

[lindsay1990]

Hi Sofie,

 

Believe it or not, I think these are all good signs. I mean, it was unlikely he would just take you back upon asking/pleasing but I think your honesty in how you felt is the thing that has made him tone down the combativeness. If he is willing to go into co-parenting counselling, and you get to have some more bonding experiences hanging out like a family, it will slowly make him stop seeing you so much as the enemy which I think was the kicker in your prolonged silence previously.

 

Good luck with everything, stay strong and keep us posted

[road]

Well my husband came and picked up the kids. We all ate dinner together again. My husband and I had another talk with the kids about the divorce and what it meant going forward. We tried to make it clear as possible that it had nothing to do with them and it was between mommy and daddy and that we both loved very much. It didn’t go very well they both stated asking questions we really didn’t know how to answer. We tried our best to answer them as best as we could. One thing good that came out of the talk with the kids was hubby agreed to go co-parenting counseling with me.

 

Me and hubby also had talk it was more small talk as he helped me wash the dishes. He’s actually to going Vegas and asked me if he could drop off the kids Sunday night since his flight leaves Monday in the morning. I said it was fine as long he didn’t bring them home to late.

 

So yeah that’s a little update on what happened tonight.

 

 

What is happening is neither a good or a bad sign. Your BH is being neutral.

 

Being neutral does not mean anything.

 

The only good thing is that contact allows you to plan A your BH back into the marriage. However that does not guarantee that.

 

Just as in stepping up to the plate. Does not mean you will get a hit. Though this is your opportunity to work the count deep on the pitcher so you will not be an easy out.

[Sofie2013]

What is happening is neither a good or a bad sign. Your BH is being neutral.

 

Being neutral does not mean anything.

 

The only good thing is that contact allows you to plan A your BH back into the marriage. However that does not guarantee that.

 

Just as in stepping up to the plate. Does not mean you will get a hit. Though this is your opportunity to work the count deep on the pitcher so you will not be an easy out.

 

 

I agree with everything you said. As of now everything is going so much better than I thought they would be. I’m happy being able to talk to him every day even though it might be for a few minutes only. Part me was scared he would go completely dark on me. The fact he even willing to speak to me I see it as a big step forward

[Sofie2013]

My husband and I had another good night with the kids. My husband is leaving to Vegas later to night and we both decided it would be better if he dropped them off since the usually sleep over his place. The 3 of them got here around 7. He told me the kids only had eaten lunch and not dinner and if I could make them something he said I didn’t have to he could get them something but he preferred I made them something since they already eat fast once. He didn’t want them eating it again, I told it was fine. He wasn’t plan on staying so I asked him if he wanted some I would gladly make enough for the 4 of us he said he would just pick something on the way to airport. The kids and I were able to get to stay and eat dinner with us. After dinner we went to the living room to watch some TV together for a while. The both also put the boys to bed. After that we both went back to the living and talked.

 

At first it was just small to talk. We stared to about the actually affair he asked a lot more questions than before. At first it caught me off guard I tried to answer all his questions. I eventually stared asking him few questions. Towards the end it became a little friendlier and somewhat flirty. We even shared a kiss before he left nothing big but it felt so good. Over all I think it went well. I just got stay positive and moving forward.

[Raven3321]

Yeahhh!!! Don't get your hopes up too high but that is good news. As destructive as adultery is, there is one benefit if couples are still talking to each other....they begin to communicate at deeper levels usually than they ever have before. It seems he's opening up emotionally if he's beginning to ask you questions. I was somewhat concerned when you said he hadn't asked you anything. So this is progress. Still praying for you guys.