Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[miguelcervantes]

My husband and I had another good night with the kids. My husband is leaving to Vegas later to night and we both decided it would be better if he dropped them off since the usually sleep over his place. The 3 of them got here around 7. He told me the kids only had eaten lunch and not dinner and if I could make them something he said I didn’t have to he could get them something but he preferred I made them something since they already eat fast once. He didn’t want them eating it again, I told it was fine. He wasn’t plan on staying so I asked him if he wanted some I would gladly make enough for the 4 of us he said he would just pick something on the way to airport. The kids and I were able to get to stay and eat dinner with us. After dinner we went to the living room to watch some TV together for a while. The both also put the boys to bed. After that we both went back to the living and talked.

 

At first it was just small to talk. We stared to about the actually affair he asked a lot more questions than before. At first it caught me off guard I tried to answer all his questions. I eventually stared asking him few questions. Towards the end it became a little friendlier and somewhat flirty. We even shared a kiss before he left nothing big but it felt so good. Over all I think it went well. I just got stay positive and moving forward.

 

This is great news Sofie! I am so rooting for you two as I do not know many who regret their affair as much as you do and I really do believe that you both truly love each other which is what makes this so painful to observe. You are doing the right things and he is gradually opening up. Still a long way to go and it could go pear-shaped very quickly, but the progress to date is solid and not flaky. Great work and keep going!

[Oberfeldwebel]

Hang in there Sofie, you are doing well. I know this is very difficult and you still have to be prepared for the divorce, but I think this is a baby step forward.

[Scott Thomas]

Sophie,

 

Did it occur to you that there's a chance your husband would date other women? How would you respond to him doing so? Would this dampen your efforts to reconcile?

[road]

It is very important that when ever the BH asks questions about the affair that you are 100% honest. There is no way recovery can ever happen. Many a BH have walked away after they have found out that the lies continued after the affair.

 

I can not remember a BH walking away once the affair was over and then getting the truth.

[petee]

Sophie, best to ignore the basic, and obvious nonsense posted above it's an absolute waste of electrons.

For you, if you haven't already start hitting the gym and the sidewalk doing exercise. There is a lot of positivity about your posts so make sure every time he sees you that you're eve hotter than the last time.

Time will see like the the enemy at the moment, but you are in with much higher odds of 50:50, plus Xmas isn't that far so you must 'need' to liaise to ensure those kids get a fabulous Xmas. These are all things I'd be thinking of, not just posting pointless nonsense as above.

[Sofie2013]

Sophie, best to ignore the basic, and obvious nonsense posted above it's an absolute waste of electrons.

For you, if you haven't already start hitting the gym and the sidewalk doing exercise. There is a lot of positivity about your posts so make sure every time he sees you that you're eve hotter than the last time.

Time will see like the the enemy at the moment, but you are in with much higher odds of 50:50, plus Xmas isn't that far so you must 'need' to liaise to ensure those kids get a fabulous Xmas. These are all things I'd be thinking of, not just posting pointless nonsense as above.

 

 

I’m going to try to make the holidays as fun as possible. I do feel bad since we agreed I would have then for thanksgiving and xmas. It was his idea. I feel more for him then the kids. I know my boys are going to hurt since he might not be their but I do have a big family and we always spend the holidays together so kids will still have people who love them around them.

 

On the other hand I don’t know what my husband going to do since he only has his brother now .

[Sofie2013]

It is very important that when ever the BH asks questions about the affair that you are 100% honest. There is no way recovery can ever happen. Many a BH have walked away after they have found out that the lies continued after the affair.

 

I can not remember a BH walking away once the affair was over and then getting the truth.

 

 

I have been 100% honest with everything. I everything I have told about the affair been the truth. I actually plan to spend him another outline with all the info and details about the affair. I give him one before but I don’t think he read it. A lot of the questions he asked last night he would have known if he read the outline of the affair. I think sending him another copy could help.

 

I know lying would crush any chance I have getting us back together. Plus my husband could pick up no a lie a mile away.

[Sofie2013]

Sophie,

 

Did it occur to you that there's a chance your husband would date other women? How would you respond to him doing so? Would this dampen your efforts to reconcile?

 

The chance of my husband seeing or dating other women is high. Some of my so called friends already made pass at him. He could already have some right now and plus he’s going to Vegas which I don’t think its business related could be wrong. The fact of the matter is he’s not mine any more so he’s free to do what he likes. I’m not going to let it bother me or think about it and think about is just going to cause me more pain. It still doesn’t change a thing in my mind. I know a lot of you won’t agree but it is what it.

[Just a Guy]

Sofie, if I may ask, is English a second language for you? You seem to stumble when writing which to me seems to be because you have some difficulty with the language. I do not mean to offend you but I sometimes get confused by what you are trying to convey. However this is not the most important thing. What is more important is that you seem to be doing all the right things and maintaining the right attitude in your dealings with your husband and your children and that you are putting up a brave face in spite of things looking so bleak for you. I am sure that you will get through with flying colours! So chin up and keep smiling and I am sure that as the saying goes "Fortune favours the brave" and so will it favour you. Cheers!

[Chi townD]

I have been 100% honest with everything. I everything I have told about the affair been the truth. I actually plan to spend him another outline with all the info and details about the affair. I give him one before but I don’t think he read it. A lot of the questions he asked last night he would have known if he read the outline of the affair. I think sending him another copy could help.

 

I know lying would crush any chance I have getting us back together. Plus my husband could pick up no a lie a mile away.

 

 

I wouldn't do this. He's already asking questions, let him ask in his own time; when he's ready to hear the answers. That day when he asked you those questions, he was ready to hear the answers because he was in the right frame of mind, or he felt strong enough to hear about it THAT DAY!

 

If you give him an outline while he's on that rollercoaster and you give it to him on a day that had him triggering all day long, you're going to set him off.

 

I suggest continuing to talk to him about everyday stuff. Make the conversations light and fun. Ask him about his day and how he's doing. Then, when he has more questions, answer them honestly. He's already proven to you that he can ask those questions or feel comfortable enough to ask them, but on his terms. Remember, you're on his time, not yours.

[Chi townD]

Also, with the holidays, when the conversation turns to that. Tell him that you know you have the kids for Christmas, but it would mean a lot to the kids you he could be there first thing in the morning to watch them open their presents. Again, just put the invitation out there. If he says he doesn't feel comfortable with that, then you tell him that you understand, you just thought it would be a nice thing just to put the invite out there. And then drop it.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie, if I may ask, is English a second language for you? You seem to stumble when writing which to me seems to be because you have some difficulty with the language. I do not mean to offend you but I sometimes get confused by what you are trying to convey. However this is not the most important thing. What is more important is that you seem to be doing all the right things and maintaining the right attitude in your dealings with your husband and your children and that you are putting up a brave face in spite of things looking so bleak for you. I am sure that you will get through with flying colours! So chin up and keep smiling and I am sure that as the saying goes "Fortune favours the brave" and so will it favour you. Cheers!

 

 

Theoretically speaking English should be my first language but I write Spanish better since it was the first language I learned in school. I moved to Spain when I was about 7 or 8. My dad was international lawyer and was doing most of his work in Europe so that’s why we moved although I don’t know why they picked Spain and it really didn't change much since he was still gone most of the time.

[Sofie2013]

Also, with the holidays, when the conversation turns to that. Tell him that you know you have the kids for Christmas, but it would mean a lot to the kids you he could be there first thing in the morning to watch them open their presents. Again, just put the invitation out there. If he says he doesn't feel comfortable with that, then you tell him that you understand, you just thought it would be a nice thing just to put the invite out there. And then drop it.

 

 

He already knows he is welcomed to spend the holidays with and my family. My parents really him as another son they absolutely love him. My mother even went as far to call him and tell him she still saw him as family/son and cared for him very much. Will give him any invitation my husband often feels he intruding when people do thing for him without anything in return yet he does favors for the whole word.

[Sofie2013]

I wouldn't do this. He's already asking questions, let him ask in his own time; when he's ready to hear the answers. That day when he asked you those questions, he was ready to hear the answers because he was in the right frame of mind, or he felt strong enough to hear about it THAT DAY!

 

If you give him an outline while he's on that rollercoaster and you give it to him on a day that had him triggering all day long, you're going to set him off.

 

I suggest continuing to talk to him about everyday stuff. Make the conversations light and fun. Ask him about his day and how he's doing. Then, when he has more questions, answer them honestly. He's already proven to you that he can ask those questions or feel comfortable enough to ask them, but on his terms. Remember, you're on his time, not yours.

 

 

Well I thought he outline was a good idea. I see how that could back fire so I won’t do it. I will wait answer any question and he ask.

 

I try to talk to him every day. Some days he just speaks to the kids and skips over him. When we do talk I try to keep everything light and run.

[Sofie2013]

He may have read the timeline and wanted to see if your now answers matched the timeline. I think for a shrewd lawyer that would be a normal move. Don't bother with another timeline if I were you.

 

Also agree with chi... As time gets closer to the holidays extend an invitation with no pressure. (id leave the kids out as he will know they would want him there)

 

How is the job hunt?

 

Well the job hunt is going ok. I have an interview November 5 and that’s about it. I would be happy if I got the job but it would be a downgrade pay and status wise. I’m still looking for something better.

[Confused48]

Well I thought he outline was a good idea. I see how that could back fire so I won’t do it. I will wait answer any question and he ask.

 

I agree with Chi TownD wholeheartedly. As a BS I know I asked for and got details I wish I never asked for and I now regret knowing. So certainly do not give details that are not asked for. And to put something in writing makes it all the harder to fade over time. If he threw away the thing you wrote before let it stay buried. Unless he asks you to redo it. Then of course comply. I understand you did it then b/c he would not talk to you. Now that you have a chance to do this verbally, keep it there if you can.

[atreides]

Sophie, IMO it seems that your H may just come around in time. His actions remain neutral but are starting to show signs of encouragement. Asking questions about the A when he already had PI info, your outlines and such that it seems to me as more of "needing to here it again" as to see if he can cope and overcome.

 

 

Let him ask about the A on his own time, let him have control. Just do as you are with a "the door is always open" attitude. He needs to be his own man with self worth but by his own actions is likely trying to see if it can still work out. Just something I sense from what you are saying.

 

I hope the holidays turn out to be your best yet, you never know.

[turnera]

I’m going to try to make the holidays as fun as possible. I do feel bad since we agreed I would have then for thanksgiving and xmas. It was his idea. I feel more for him then the kids. I know my boys are going to hurt since he might not be their but I do have a big family and we always spend the holidays together so kids will still have people who love them around them.

 

On the other hand I don’t know what my husband going to do since he only has his brother now .

Sofie, invite him anyway.

[summerdowling87]

Sofie2013 I hope you keep your head up and stay strong for your two babies and hopefully one day-(soon) you and your hubby get back together.

 

I usually don't feel bad for WS but I do feel for you.

 

I hope you to make it.

[Sofie2013]

Of course he is meeting women. High income males in Vegas.

 

Am I the only one who thinks her hubby is a bit of... something. This whole thing just does not add up. Something is bugging me and i cant figure it out. Snooping fine, D is great, exposure is great. Getting the wife fired and taking her ability to support herself...

 

I think this will help you guys get a better picture of hubby. He had a similar up bring in that we both were born in the states but moved at an early age. He moved to Argentina when he mom abandoned with his grandparents for a short while. Thing work very different in Latin countries then they do here. Many married couples never actually ever get married by law they will have marriage ceremony in front of the church and that’s it, most marriages are common in law marriages. So to my husband splitting up is already being divorced. The actually paper to him mean nothing.

 

To him he’s already divorced and will act like a single male would. I can guaranty my husband only concern right now is our kids and his career.

 

Again my husband didn’t get me fired. The only reason he waited so long to expose the affair was he wanted me to keep my job but for other reason it didn’t happen. Besides my husband has already offered me help in finding a job I turned down the offer.

[Chi townD]

So to my husband splitting up is already being divorced. The actually paper to him mean nothing.

 

To him he’s already divorced and will act like a single male would. I can guaranty my husband only concern right now is our kids and his career.

 

Weird concept of marriage for a lawyer to adopt.

[Sofie2013]

Weird concept of marriage for a lawyer to adopt.

 

 

Not really, that’s the way he was brought up. My father also shares similar views no marriage and he’s lawyer to. It’s just the way they were raised. My husband grandparents never were official married in the states even my own parents have never been legally married.

[Chi townD]

But, being a lawyer, paper is everything. If it isn't written down, then it didn't happen. And in some "at fault" states, he would know if he messes around while awaiting the final divorce decree then he loses his status to claim adultery on the decree.

 

So, regardless of cultural backgrounds and customs, he is still legally married on paper. So, it's just weird for him to take that kind of stance on marriage and the documentation.

 

Let me ask you this, if after some time, he comes back from Vegas and after a period of time, it looks like things might be heading towards reconciliation. If he admits that he slept with someone else while in Vegas, how would you feel about that?

[Sofie2013]

But, being a lawyer, paper is everything. If it isn't written down, then it didn't happen. And in some "at fault" states, he would know if he messes around while awaiting the final divorce decree then he loses his status to claim adultery on the decree.

 

So, regardless of cultural backgrounds and customs, he is still legally married on paper. So, it's just weird for him to take that kind of stance on marriage and the documentation.

 

Let me ask you this, if after some time, he comes back from Vegas and after a period of time, it looks like things might be heading towards reconciliation. If he admits that he slept with someone else while in Vegas, how would you feel about that?

 

 

He already lost his claim to adultery. Divorce settlement he offered in cleared stated he wouldn’t use it. Plus he really doesn’t need it any more since I already agreed all his terms. If he really wanted to push it we could be done by December. I asked him to slow it down and he agreed.

 

 

Well I would be hurt but I wouldn’t change how I feel towards him I would still welcome him back. Everything he does now is just a reaction to what I did. If I never had an affair you wouldn’t even asking this question and he would still be here with me. I already knew as soon as he left we was going to be with other women.

[lindsay1990]

He already lost his claim to adultery. Divorce settlement he offered in cleared stated he wouldn’t use it. Plus he really doesn’t need it any more since I already agreed all his terms. If he really wanted to push it we could be done by December. I asked him to slow it down and he agreed.

 

 

Well I would be hurt but I wouldn’t change how I feel towards him I would still welcome him back. Everything he does now is just a reaction to what I did. If I never had an affair you wouldn’t even asking this question and he would still be here with me. I already knew as soon as he left we was going to be with other women.

 

What reasons did you use in asking him, why did he say he was agreeing in slowing down? This sounds positive to me.