Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[happyman64]

Sofie

 

Keep wearing those big girl panties.

 

Stay open with your H and that will help keep everything amicable.

 

Do the kids ask your H about the divorce the way they question you?

 

Ask your H to communicate with the kids.

 

It will help them feel more secure.

 

Keep up your positive attitude and I look forward to Sofie version 2.0.

 

HM

[Sofie2013]

Sofie

 

Keep wearing those big girl panties.

 

Stay open with your H and that will help keep everything amicable.

 

Do the kids ask your H about the divorce the way they question you?

 

Ask your H to communicate with the kids.

 

It will help them feel more secure.

 

Keep up your positive attitude and I look forward to Sofie version 2.0.

 

HM

 

My husband has told me the kids have asked questions about the divorce and answered many of the questions they asked. So he is communicating with the kids.

 

Time is what I think they will need. I know it going to hurt them not being able to see the both of us every day hopefully in time it becomes easier for them

[Sofie2013]

You know this really is bad since you had hopes to reconcile and it didn't happen.

 

Im in the boat you were in as i have not got caught yet its been a year but i'm thinking about jumping ship of the A. Your post taught me a lot about my assumed confidence i could get my w back if i got caught in my A. I think i could but based on your story there's no way that i can be assured of that.

 

Thank you for posting and as my A continues, I know i'll have to make a choice or one will be made for me..i'll be right behind in you the emotional meat grinder.

 

 

Never think for a minute your wife will take you back. You never know how this will affect her it’s the same as taking her for granted

 

If you truly don’t want to end your marriage then tell your wife. She will hurt and she may leave you. By confessing you at least you give yourself a fighting chance at reconciliation.

[Clay]

I am sure you are right as times goes they will ask and the truth will come out. Just do what your doing. Keep loving them and assuring them you are there. I am sure your husband is doing the same. If they ever ask why be honest (Ofcourse when they are older) and show them you are sincere in your remorse. This I think is key for kids to learn how to deal with things and understand basic emotions. My kids go over to there mothers house and when they ask her why we divorced she denies ever cheating. My daughter it really causes issues with me and her over it. She comes back and wants to protect her mom. Some how I did not do the bad thing but in this case I am the bad person. I just stick to my guns and keep with the facts. I am sure in time she will figure it out. My older kids have and they are slowly moving on. My son is in counceling and I am sure its going to take a while to deal with the issues he has.

 

You seem like a really good person that made a horrible mistake. I am sure you and your husband will raise good kids.

 

Clay

[atreides]

Never think for a minute your wife will take you back. You never know how this will affect her it’s the same as taking her for granted

 

If you truly don’t want to end your marriage then tell your wife. She will hurt and she may leave you. By confessing you at least you give yourself a fighting chance at reconciliation.

 

I love seeing how you have changed over all your posts here to now giving great advise.

 

How are things holding up?

[Sofie2013]

I love seeing how you have changed over all your posts here to now giving great advise.

 

How are things holding up?

 

Things are going ok at the moment. I have been helping my friend get through her divorce. She says she doesn’t hate and she still would like to be friends. I think a lot has to do with the fact during my affair with her husbands she was also having EA and she kind of checked out of the marriage. I can’t really blame her like I said before it isn’t her husband first time cheating on her it only one of them.

 

My husband has gone most what cold on me. I really don’t know why he hasn’t been texting me as much and we don’t really talk over the phone anymore. We do have another co-parenting session Monday hopeful he won’t cancel this time.

[Lokahi117]

Sofie I am a betrayed husband, and I can tell you that I am separating from my wife. But I do think If she choose to stay faithful to her so called love for me, then perhaps in a while I may entertain dating her again and making her a part of my life again. But it will take a while and it would be so hard most cheaters would not do it. But the rare one who is really sorry and would do anything to show me that, will not even be intersted on anything but waiting for me to come back to her. But we will see. An

 

And I think that you should do the same. Don't date, don't stop being his lady just because he stops being your man. He has to see incredible locality and dedication to him throughout circumstances most would break under. This is to restore major points to your loyalty and trust account which at the moment is badly overdrawn.

 

But I so believe if anyone can do this, it's you. I wish for a wife as remorseful as you. You are one of the few ww who actually have me wanting to help you. I keep you in my thoughts and wish you strength, cause I know you'll need it.

[miguelcervantes]

Sofie, how are things going ? Hope you are well.

[Spectre]

Let me just say that I read both of your threads(most of them anyways, they are both quite long). I just wanted to say I am sorry for your situation, but I do also feel you got what you deserved in losing your marriage and job. I also feel your H was absolutely right in getting the other man fired as well. He too deserved to lose everything. Well, not everything, but his job and marriage yes.

 

I do realize that the economy is hard now, but I honestly feel that even if all of this was taking place during the great depression your husband would of still been right to do everything he did. Every action has consequences and the worse the action is the worse the consequences are(and rightfully so). You did not murder anyone or anything of the sort, but you still did something quite serious, since chances are you are guilty of emotionally destroying someone. I do also feel these harsh consequences are also a good thing for you in the long run. If you ever do find love again with another man in the future then remembering these harsh lessons will hopefully prevent you from ever coming close to repeating your behavior.

 

I will echo what some others have said in that you do seem sincere in how bad you feel. However, I also feel that while you love your husband..your actions have shown you are definitely are not *in* love with him. I do think people make mistakes and they can change, but I also feel there are just certain lines one will never cross if they are truly in love with another person.

 

I'm not here to bash you or try to give you some huge lecture since you do indeed seem to truly recognize how wrong your actions were. I know a part of you will wish you can eventually work things out, but I think if you do truly love your H you should recognize he does deserve to be with someone better, who will treat him right. I do wish you luck and I am sorry for your pain. It's unfortunate you needed to learn these lessons the way you did, but the best thing you can do now is to use them to make sure you never make these mistakes again.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie, how are things going ? Hope you are well.

 

 

 

I have been ok for the most part. I still look around but I don’t post much.

 

My husband and I did have gone and continue to you are go to co-parenting counseling it seems to be help us deal with the kids better. The counselor has been pushing for a family day. A day the four of us could do a family activity to show the kids. My husband seems to be ok with the idea it’s just hard to fit in his schedule. The kids also seem to be doing better with everything there are still those night where they wished their father was home but it has gotten a lot better.

 

As for me I am still trying to win my husband back sometimes it does feel like a lost cause. I also still feel extremely guilty, shameful and pain for what I did. My counselor says it will take to learn to forgive myself.

 

PS. I didn’t get the job.

[Raven3321]

I have been ok for the most part. I still look around but I don’t post much.

 

My husband and I did have gone and continue to you are go to co-parenting counseling it seems to be help us deal with the kids better. The counselor has been pushing for a family day. A day the four of us could do a family activity to show the kids. My husband seems to be ok with the idea it’s just hard to fit in his schedule. The kids also seem to be doing better with everything there are still those night where they wished their father was home but it has gotten a lot better.

 

As for me I am still trying to win my husband back sometimes it does feel like a lost cause. I also still feel extremely guilty, shameful and pain for what I did. My counselor says it will take to learn to forgive myself.

 

PS. I didn’t get the job.

Hang in there Sophie. You'll get a job. Some here along with me have been praying for you. As far as the shame/guilt, etc., there is not a person here that hasn't done something(s) in their life that they are ashamed of. I don't know if you're religious, but read John 8:1-11. It's about a woman like yourself caught in adultery. Jesus didn't condemn her and wouldn't allow anyone else to condemn her either. Don't condemn yourself. Forgive yourself. Say it everyday, "I forgive me for......". If may take a while, but soon you'll believe it for yourself and that weight will lift from off of you. We (LS) love you and think the world of you. Your remorse has gained our respect. And though he may seem cold and aloof, I think your husband respects you too.

[miguelcervantes]

Sophie, what you did to your husband was a big deal! The simple knowledge that my wife was in bed with another man when I had to call her about her sister's accident would be crushing for me! And to make matters worse, he answered the phone! I would see you as callous, uncaring and cruel to say nothing of having no morals whatsoever - so a pretty big deal! It will take time to get over and the main thing is that you need to give yourself time to really and truly feel remorse for it (which is what I believe you are doing). Wanting to get back with him is natural because you love him and getting to the bottom of why you did what you did may happen but forgiving yourself for it will take longer. And of course its going to seem hopeless at times, but it isn't just getting back together that you are striving for - it is repairing yourself (and I believe that once this happens and he has the opportunity to see it clearly, good things will happen). Also sorry about the job but there will be other opportunities coming your way - just stay positive and take care of yourself.

 

Hoping for the best for you as I believe that you are truly remorseful.

[janedoe67]

The question will probably disappear.....but if a person believes a fws gets it and is remorseful, then WHY the need to get one more "what you did was afoul and you are getting what you deserve" in? Sophie has demonstrated remorse and change. She is living the consequences. I can attest that thes posts do NOT help a WS recover, which is what posts are supposed to be about.

 

Sophie, does it help you to hear what you already painfully know?

[Lokahi117]

The question will probably disappear.....but if a person believes a fws gets it and is remorseful, then WHY the need to get one more "what you did was afoul and you are getting what you deserve" in? Sophie has demonstrated remorse and change. She is living the consequences. I can attest that thes posts do NOT help a WS recover, which is what posts are supposed to be about.

 

Sophie, does it help you to hear what you already painfully know?

 

 

i couldn't agree more. Some people are so self absorbed that they only post to help themselves. And often their advice is not only not helpful, but actually harmful to the poster. And as a betrayed husband, whom was betrayed in particularly hurtful ways, I say to those type of posters, shame on you. Your pain is not an excuse to lash and hurt whomever you like.

[Grumpybutfun]

Sophie:

I am terribly saddened that you didn't get the job. Did they tell you why or was it just very formal and had many applications?

Hang in there. Something will come along. I know this is a terrible situation, so please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Forgiving yourself is mandatory to moving on with your life so try to remember that everyone makes bad decisions but we do not have to let ourselves be defined by them.

Best,

Grumps

[lindsay1990]

Never think for a minute your wife will take you back. You never know how this will affect her it’s the same as taking her for granted

 

If you truly don’t want to end your marriage then tell your wife. She will hurt and she may leave you. By confessing you at least you give yourself a fighting chance at reconciliation.

 

I think this is one of the wisest things you have said. Not just for affairs but for everything else really. It's too easy to assume that the people that love us will forgive us, I mean, they have to, right? Wrong. Thanks for teaching many of us this lesson by sharing your experience, and I hope for many of us it suffices to learn it the easy way and not the hard way for ourselves.

 

I'm sorry to hear you didn't get the job, but it hasn't been that long objectively so it's good to see you not freaking out about it.

 

I'm not trying to divert the general thread and get into speculation because obviously and affair is reason enough to get a divorce. But having read about your STBXBIL telling about how your husband was having doubts/was checking out, and now how your friend from work/BW had also checked out/gotten into an EA herself... this really makes what Coolit once said stand out to me.

 

I remember she said that when her husband found out about her affair, he said something along the lines that he was actually relieved because he was afraid is that she was going to leave him, that she didn't want to be with him any more basically.

 

I'm not trying to say that everybody has to forgive their cheating spouse (because obviously once that line is crossed - and maybe even other lines for many, like an EA) all vows may be considered breached and thus fair game to be thrown out the window. But still... a huge part of me wonders if divorce comes about because they were already checking out.

 

I not assuming affairs don't just happen out of no where, and if anybody had a perfect relationship they would probably be in their honeymoon period and not even be tempted. Regardless, I think that if someone isn't some pathological cake-eater and notwithstanding the whole selfishness and recklessness, I guess a huge part of it is acting out their unhappiness. And so I see the BSs kind of with one foot out the door, at least emotionally, and I wonder if there is not also a lot of resentment on your part because of it.

 

It obviously doesn't justify your affair or make it any less severe. And I'm not trying to induce you to spin it on your husband, but I mean, you have feelings too and I can't really remember reading you being upset about this. I mean, I would feel kind of betrayed myself if I knew my husband was unhappy for so long and I was the last to hear about it, you know?

 

I'm not saying to go say anything to your husband because obviously more damage has been done, but still. I guess I'm just saying that these little bits of info that point to some detachment on behalf of the BS really get to me. I guess because naive, idealist, having-not-gone-through-it-me, feels I would react as I gathered Coolit's husband did: "You had an affair and you're sorry? A#%$&&!!###$%$!1 But at least thank God you're not telling me you're leaving me for him/her" you know?

 

Of course I understand that it is toooo painful a thing for people to forgive, and it's unfair if it sounds like I'm saying "well, if you LOVED me you'd forgive me, if you don't forgive me it's because you've checked out thus breaking your vows too TRAITOR". Not saying that. Just... like I said, idk. Just find it unsettling and all the more sad.

[miguelcervantes]

I think it is useful to be reminded of the severity of what happened when thinking that it might be taking too long to R or there might not be hope. Once one is reminded of the severity of what happened, it is possible to understand that any progress made is pretty damn good!

 

I am sure that many of us (including myself) have been in Sophie's husband's shoes and it is very easy for us to trigger when reading her story - especially when it is calmly told in this forum. However, I do recognise something that I have seen before (and experienced personally) and that is true remorse in a WW! The purpose of this forum and these posts is to make use of personal experience to give honest advice and where necessary hope.

 

I am sure Sophie realises what she has done but the reminder was to make her understand that progress will be slow and if she is really up to it, then the work she has done and is continuing to do is worth it.

[miguelcervantes]

I think this is one of the wisest things you have said. Not just for affairs but for everything else really. It's too easy to assume that the people that love us will forgive us, I mean, they have to, right? Wrong. Thanks for teaching many of us this lesson by sharing your experience, and I hope for many of us it suffices to learn it the easy way and not the hard way for ourselves.

 

I'm sorry to hear you didn't get the job, but it hasn't been that long objectively so it's good to see you not freaking out about it.

 

I'm not trying to divert the general thread and get into speculation because obviously and affair is reason enough to get a divorce. But having read about your STBXBIL telling about how your husband was having doubts/was checking out, and now how your friend from work/BW had also checked out/gotten into an EA herself... this really makes what Coolit once said stand out to me.

 

I remember she said that when her husband found out about her affair, he said something along the lines that he was actually relieved because he was afraid is that she was going to leave him, that she didn't want to be with him any more basically.

 

I'm not trying to say that everybody has to forgive their cheating spouse (because obviously once that line is crossed - and maybe even other lines for many, like an EA) all vows may be considered breached and thus fair game to be thrown out the window. But still... a huge part of me wonders if divorce comes about because they were already checking out.

 

I not assuming affairs don't just happen out of no where, and if anybody had a perfect relationship they would probably be in their honeymoon period and not even be tempted. Regardless, I think that if someone isn't some pathological cake-eater and notwithstanding the whole selfishness and recklessness, I guess a huge part of it is acting out their unhappiness. And so I see the BSs kind of with one foot out the door, at least emotionally, and I wonder if there is not also a lot of resentment on your part because of it.

 

It obviously doesn't justify your affair or make it any less severe. And I'm not trying to induce you to spin it on your husband, but I mean, you have feelings too and I can't really remember reading you being upset about this. I mean, I would feel kind of betrayed myself if I knew my husband was unhappy for so long and I was the last to hear about it, you know?

 

I'm not saying to go say anything to your husband because obviously more damage has been done, but still. I guess I'm just saying that these little bits of info that point to some detachment on behalf of the BS really get to me. I guess because naive, idealist, having-not-gone-through-it-me, feels I would react as I gathered Coolit's husband did: "You had an affair and you're sorry? A#%$&&!!###$%$!1 But at least thank God you're not telling me you're leaving me for him/her" you know?

 

Of course I understand that it is toooo painful a thing for people to forgive, and it's unfair if it sounds like I'm saying "well, if you LOVED me you'd forgive me, if you don't forgive me it's because you've checked out thus breaking your vows too TRAITOR". Not saying that. Just... like I said, idk. Just find it unsettling and all the more sad.

 

How about a reason for cheating being good old fashioned lust, selfishness, slyness, hedonistic behaviour, the thrill of doing something taboo all coming together and conveniently being disguised and protected by a wrapper of "generally being unhappy" and "checking out" ?

[janedoe67]

There is a very distinct and easy to spot difference between reminding a FWW of her actions and using her thread to work through one's own betrayal. I can spot the difference a mile away.

[lindsay1990]

How about a reason for cheating being good old fashioned lust, selfishness, slyness, hedonistic behaviour, the thrill of doing something taboo all coming together and conveniently being disguised and protected by a wrapper of "generally being unhappy" and "checking out" ?

 

Of course, duh. Thanks for reading what I wrote and providing a thoughtful, non-fundamentalist response, person.

 

You cleared right up what I was asking and settled the matter. Had I known it was so easy! Great job, stranger.

[miguelcervantes]

There is a very distinct and easy to spot difference between reminding a FWW of her actions and using her thread to work through one's own betrayal. I can spot the difference a mile away.

 

Not sure if this is aimed at me but my issues were more than 30 years ago and have been well worked through. So not sure what it is that was "spotted" a mile away. However, when I see situations where I think that there might be a glimmer of hope after callous betrayal, I will give the benefit of experience - terms like FWW instead of WW are interesting - you seem to have spotted that within no time at all the OP is a FWW whereas I am very sure that in the eyes of her husband she is still the WW. This is the point I am trying to make - it is still new in her husband's eyes and was a pretty significant betrayal and that she is doing all the right things now to heal herself (and maybe the marriage) but it will take time. This wasn't a drunken ONS that might have had less of an impact - it was planned and executed well. I am not sure what posters here are trying to say to Sofie - hang in there ? I agree. It should be getting better soon ? I don't agree. You're doing the right things ? I agree. Give up hope with BH ? I don't agree. Why ? Because of what I have read of her story and because of life experiences.

[miguelcervantes]

Of course, duh. Thanks for reading what I wrote and providing a thoughtful, non-fundamentalist response, person.

 

You cleared right up what I was asking and settled the matter. Had I known it was so easy! Great job, stranger.

 

Glad to be of help stranger. Particularly since you don't seem to be a WS and cheating may not be something that you do. Just wanted to point out that I have had to deal with my share of cheaters who have cheated on friends and loved ones and the majority of them did this for very basic and earthy reasons as I described. Not to say that there are never any other reasons but the general underlying reasons were pretty much the same in most of the cases.

[Sofie2013]

The question will probably disappear.....but if a person believes a fws gets it and is remorseful, then WHY the need to get one more "what you did was afoul and you are getting what you deserve" in? Sophie has demonstrated remorse and change. She is living the consequences. I can attest that thes posts do NOT help a WS recover, which is what posts are supposed to be about.

 

Sophie, does it help you to hear what you already painfully know?

 

It really doesn’t faze me. It pales in comparison to the pain I already feel. Does it help I don’t know it, those kind of post do make think a lot more about my situation.

[Chi townD]

In experiences I've seen, it's never over until it is truly over. A lot of times, I've seen where BH/BW's want absolutely NOTHING to do with their WW/WH. They make plans that involve a third party with the pick up and drop off of the kids just so that don't have to see the other person. Ignore phonecalls and texts and only respond when it involves the kids and NOTHING more than that...

 

In this case, Sophie's husband isn't completely out of the picture. He's working with her in counseling for co-parenting. They gone through hysterical bonding, she's come to his rescue with a broken down car, he's felt comfortable enough to spend the night there or even stay long enough to share a meal, they are talking to each other civilly to each other. That's a lot more than most WW/WH get when they try to reconcile.

 

Will the divorce happen? Probably, but that still doesn't make it final. There are plenty of people that divorce then find themselves dating each other again. That might not happen for years, but it could happen.

 

Although with Sophie's last post, I think a depression is setting in. Plus, she didn't get the job she interviewed for which probably reminded her that she has to find a job and interview ALL OVER AGAIN, because of her own undoing. So, I really hope she's talking to someone about this.

[Chi townD]

The question will probably disappear.....but if a person believes a fws gets it and is remorseful, then WHY the need to get one more "what you did was afoul and you are getting what you deserve" in? Sophie has demonstrated remorse and change. She is living the consequences. I can attest that thes posts do NOT help a WS recover, which is what posts are supposed to be about.

 

Sophie, does it help you to hear what you already painfully know?

 

I totally understand what you are saying, and I get it. But, you also need to understand that she came to a site where a lot of people have been devastated by the same actions that Sophie committed against her husband. And even your most adjusted former BH/BW WILL trigger! They could have read a sentence that Sophie wrote and then....BAM! They get set off and they vent. Is it wrong? yeah...it can be, especially if it's discovered that the WW or WH is TRUELY remorseful. Is their triggering understandable? Yeah.. Because they're dealing with their own pain.

 

I guess that's why people will tell others that post here, take the posts that are meaningful and that you can use and forget the rest of them. Because, chances are, they're just people that got triggered by her story.