Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[tiredofitall2]

To be honest Sofie, I think if you ever cared about your husband you need to let him go. By that I mean you have to stop trying to really do anything with him or talk to him about anything other then the kids(like I believe you said he asked you to do at one point?). Maybe even encourage him to get out and go on a few dates with other women.

 

I think in the end if you do love him you should feel he deserves better. Not that he deserves someone perfect, but at the very least someone who will not do what you did. I am not trying to be harsh, but I would think if you truly cared about him you would not let him miss out on his chance to form a connection with someone who won't do this.

 

Especially since sometimes when people do take back a cheater it isn't always for the right reasons, yet they do it anyway even if deep down they know it is wrong. I am talking about people staying because they feel nobody else will ever love them and they won't ever have anyone else ever again, etc.

 

For me if I cheated on someone I would pretty much think that life is short and as much as I might like to reconcile this person also deserves to be happy and to experience the kind of happiness that comes from truly finding that special someone.

 

Sometimes it is not up to the person who got cheated on to walk away, sometimes it is up to the cheater.

 

Sophie, I don't agree with the statement above. There is no such thing as a someone better or a cheater if you really think about it. Cheating is a mistake and something terrible. There is no excuse for it. But there are other terrible things people do. Why? because we are human and we all make mistakes.

 

So, the god thing is that forgiveness is a virtue and if he is able to forgive you take his forgiveness and never fail him again.

 

Work on yourself, do a 180 and demonstrate that you have changed. Not only for your family, but for you.

 

No one is better for your kids and family than the both of you. People make mistakes and no one is exempt. For some people it is might be a deal breaker, but for some other that can forgive it is not. Many times after situations like this the marriage is better than ever before.

 

Remember, cheating is typically a symptom of other underlying problems in the marriage. Find out what those are and address them. I hope you two reconcile for the sake of your children and family.

[Sofie2013]

To be honest Sofie, I think if you ever cared about your husband you need to let him go. By that I mean you have to stop trying to really do anything with him or talk to him about anything other then the kids(like I believe you said he asked you to do at one point?). Maybe even encourage him to get out and go on a few dates with other women.

 

I think in the end if you do love him you should feel he deserves better. Not that he deserves someone perfect, but at the very least someone who will not do what you did. I am not trying to be harsh, but I would think if you truly cared about him you would not let him miss out on his chance to form a connection with someone who won't do this.

 

Especially since sometimes when people do take back a cheater it isn't always for the right reasons, yet they do it anyway even if deep down they know it is wrong. I am talking about people staying because they feel nobody else will ever love them and they won't ever have anyone else ever again, etc.

 

For me if I cheated on someone I would pretty much think that life is short and as much as I might like to reconcile this person also deserves to be happy and to experience the kind of happiness that comes from truly finding that special someone.

 

Sometimes it is not up to the person who got cheated on to walk away, sometimes it is up to the cheater.

 

I have made every clear to my husband that I wouldn’t give up on our relationship/marriage even if the divorce goes through. He knows very well what my intentions are and as of now he still hasn’t said anything to make me stop trying. I will also be the last person to tell to date or help him find a date, for one he doesn’t my help in department and I know I’m going to hurt when I see him with someone else.

 

Does he deserves one better could he find someone better maybe I don’t know. I have put up a lot to be with him in the past. At one point my parent and some family stopped talking to me because I was still seeing him. Many of them told me the same thing you told me “oh you could do so much better” and “why are with him” I didn’t listen and with time all of my family came to love him just as I do. What I’m trying to say is a person can change just like he has and I could do the same. We as had something special once and who to say we can’t grow to have something better than before.

 

Ok if my husband does take me back it won’t be because he doesn’t think he can do better or whatever other reasons you stated. If he comes back it will because it’s what he wants.

 

Lastly my husband a grown man that the end of the day he going to do what he want and what’s in his and our children best interest. If that means he’s going to move on and find someone else then he is going to do that. I don’t see how I could stop him from doing that or how I’m holding him back.

[Snipercatt]

I don’t see how I could stop him from doing that or how I’m holding him back.

 

Of course you are right. He is grown, he is making his own choices. Carry on, as who knows what might happen.

[Fluttershy]

Hi, Sophie,

I have just finished reading all your posts. I am sorry you put yourself through this. IMHO I believe the pain we inflict upon ourselves is the hardest to deal with. Which is why so many deny and minimize when they do wrong. I don't doubt you loved/love your husband. If you want to wait for him until he takes you back or finds a new love then you should do that. To be very honest it is far to soon for you to be looking for a new guy. And as a mom of young kids you will have plenty to do. Too many people jump back in to the dating pool too fast. I wish you well on your endeavor to win your husband back. I read an online book once that was to help win someone back and applied the principles to my husband, then boyfriend. I can't remember the name of it but it actually worked. You never know, you may be able to find some good ideas.

[Spectre]

There is no such thing as a someone better or a cheater if you really think about it.

 

I am sorry, but this statement makes no sense. A person who would never do this to their husband would be someone better for this man.

 

Also, no such thing as a cheater? Bull, that too makes zero f'ing sense. Maybe not everyone who cheats will cheat again, but yeah there are such things as serial cheaters.

 

Cheating is a mistake and something terrible. There is no excuse for it. But there are other terrible things people do. Why? because we are human and we all make mistakes.

 

Nope sorry! You don't get to cop out of cheating by falling back on the "Shucks I'm only human and people make mistakes" routine. People make mistakes, true. Cheating is a choice, especially when you do it more then once. A mistake is if I cook a meal and accidentally burn it. I didn't intend to do this, it wasn't a choice on my part, I certainly wanted non burned food. If I cheat on my gf..cheating is not something I just did not intend to do..something that just happened. It was a choice I made. I chose to take off my shirt. I then chose to take off my pants. I then chose to remove her clothes, I then chose to remove the rest of what I was wearing..I then chose to enter inside her..etc, etc. All choices on my part, none of them just happened.

 

No one is better for your kids and family than the both of you. People make mistakes and no one is exempt. For some people it is might be a deal breaker, but for some other that can forgive it is not. Many times after situations like this the marriage is better than ever before.

 

Nobody is better for the kids? Sure, agreed. Nobody is better for her husband? Nope sorry, he doesn't need someone perfect, but someone who would never betray him and make him look like a fool in this manner would definitely be a better wife. On what planet are we living on where this isn't the case? I am sorry if this is harsh, but it is true. Unless this man is a really crappy person he does deserve better. Though in that case if he is such a crappy person she shouldn't want him back anyways.

 

Remember, cheating is typically a symptom of other underlying problems in the marriage. Find out what those are and address them. I hope you two reconcile for the sake of your children and family.

 

Don't reconcile for the kids, they can more then likely handle it, seems like they ARE handling it.

 

I say give this poor man a shot at someone who will not treat him this way. I know you said your husband did not treat you perfect either, and I recognize that, but he didn't do anything that comes close to what you did. He did not betray and disrespect you on such a huge level.

Edited November 24, 2013 by Spectre

[Fluttershy]

I am sorry, but this statement makes no sense. A person who would never do this to their husband would be someone better for this man.

Until one spouse dies you never know if they will cheat. And some could argue that a reformed cheater who never cheats again is better then someone new who may cheat, or treat his kids like crap when he isn't looking, or be super cranky all the time a few years down the road, or stop having sex with him. I think in that case a reformed cheater would be better. So saying that ANYONE who doesn't cheat on him is better then her being with him and never cheating again just isn't true.

 

Nope sorry! You don't get to cop out of cheating by falling back on the "Shucks I'm only human and people make mistakes" routine. People make mistakes, true. Cheating is a choice, especially when you do it more then once. A mistake is if I cook a meal and accidentally burn it. I didn't intend to do this, it wasn't a choice on my part, I certainly wanted non burned food. If I cheat on my gf..cheating is not something I just did not intend to do..something that just happened. It was a choice I made. I chose to take off my shirt. I then chose to take off my pants. I then chose to remove her clothes, I then chose to remove the rest of what I was wearing..I then chose to enter inside her..etc, etc. All choices on my part, none of them just happened.

The definition of mistake can be included in cheating, or marrying someone, or not spending enough time with your kids. All those things are definitive choices but can still be a mistake you made. Mistake can be for something as simple as the wrong answer on a test to something far more profound. And for some the word mistake means accident like the example you gave. A mistake can cause an accident but accidents are usually used for things that aren't done on purpose like spilling milk or falling off a chair. A mistake is when you make an error in judgement.

 

Nobody is better for the kids? Sure, agreed. Nobody is better for her husband? Nope sorry, he doesn't need someone perfect, but someone who would never betray him and make him look like a fool in this manner would definitely be a better wife. On what planet are we living on where this isn't the case?

Nobody made this husband look like a fool. I couldn't see anyone saying that. The only time someone else has the power to make you look like a fool is if you choose to perceive their actions us a reflection on you. The truth is, if you have not done anything foolish yourself you are not a fool. The only fool is the cheater. Unless of course the cheated on does behave like a fool some way or another. This man most certainly did not. As to the rest, read my above.

 

 

Don't reconcile for the kids, they can more then likely handle it, seems like they ARE handling it.

I agree but I do not think Sophie would still want him back even without her kids.

I say give this poor man a shot at someone who will not treat him this way. I know you said your husband did not treat you perfect either, and I recognize that, but he didn't do anything that comes close to what you did. He did not betray and disrespect her on such a huge level.

You act like she is somehow controlling his single status? He may already be dating. She is not stalking him or any potential girlfriends. She is merely making herself available. There is nothing wrong in that.

People love to make levels of hurts and paints and so forth. Discredit someone for being hurt by one action because another action is so much worse. Even Sophie herself has said numerous times that what she did was terrible and beyond anything he did. But still some people like to remind her how terrible she is and how nothing he did or does to her gives her the right to be pained. If her husband chooses to give her a second chance at some point I would hope even the most bitter individual would cheer them on.

[tiredofitall2]

Until one spouse dies you never know if they will cheat. And some could argue that a reformed cheater who never cheats again is better then someone new who may cheat, or treat his kids like crap when he isn't looking, or be super cranky all the time a few years down the road, or stop having sex with him. I think in that case a reformed cheater would be better. So saying that ANYONE who doesn't cheat on him is better then her being with him and never cheating again just isn't true.

 

 

The definition of mistake can be included in cheating, or marrying someone, or not spending enough time with your kids. All those things are definitive choices but can still be a mistake you made. Mistake can be for something as simple as the wrong answer on a test to something far more profound. And for some the word mistake means accident like the example you gave. A mistake can cause an accident but accidents are usually used for things that aren't done on purpose like spilling milk or falling off a chair. A mistake is when you make an error in judgement.

 

 

Nobody made this husband look like a fool. I couldn't see anyone saying that. The only time someone else has the power to make you look like a fool is if you choose to perceive their actions us a reflection on you. The truth is, if you have not done anything foolish yourself you are not a fool. The only fool is the cheater. Unless of course the cheated on does behave like a fool some way or another. This man most certainly did not. As to the rest, read my above.

 

 

 

I agree but I do not think Sophie would still want him back even without her kids.

 

You act like she is somehow controlling his single status? He may already be dating. She is not stalking him or any potential girlfriends. She is merely making herself available. There is nothing wrong in that.

People love to make levels of hurts and paints and so forth. Discredit someone for being hurt by one action because another action is so much worse. Even Sophie herself has said numerous times that what she did was terrible and beyond anything he did. But still some people like to remind her how terrible she is and how nothing he did or does to her gives her the right to be pained. If her husband chooses to give her a second chance at some point I would hope even the most bitter individual would cheer them on.

 

Agreed!

 

Unfortunately this forum has a lot of people that find forgiveness for cheating impossible. They also like to label people as a "cheater" right from the bat. I do know there are people that are serial cheaters and could care less for their spouse, but I don't think this is the case here.

 

Again people make mistakes and forgiveness and being forgiving is a virtue. And yes, although children are resilient divorce devastates their lives in ways that affect them throughout their entire lives.

 

I get you all and understand venting, especially after our spouse betrayed us, but triggering and lashing out at a person who is doing her best to find a solution for her poor decisions is not right.

 

My wife left with a POS cop. Do I hate her? No. Will I take her back at this point, no! Why not? Because she has not been sorry or done what sofie is doing here. Showing true remorse and wanting to reconcile from her mistakes.

 

Yes, I do believe there is a time limit and a threshold. When my WW wakes up from her fog, she will realize she made a mistake, but as it is often the case it is too late.

 

I think there is still hope here.......

[KathyM]

It takes two to reconcile. As much as the OP wants it to happen, it will be on the BSs timeline if it is to happen at all. Please do not pressure him to take you back. That will only backfire. All you can do is continue to show remorse, devote your time and attention to your children, and hope that in time he will have a change of heart. Right now the BS is grieving for the loss of the marriage and the loss of his partner, and his hurt and lost trust is guiding him. I think you should allow him space to grieve, and possibly with time, he would be willing to consider if he could get past this with you. Just don't pressure him. Allow him time and space to grieve.

[Sofie2013]

It takes two to reconcile. As much as the OP wants it to happen, it will be on the BSs timeline if it is to happen at all. Please do not pressure him to take you back. That will only backfire. All you can do is continue to show remorse, devote your time and attention to your children, and hope that in time he will have a change of heart. Right now the BS is grieving for the loss of the marriage and the loss of his partner, and his hurt and lost trust is guiding him. I think you should allow him space to grieve, and possibly with time, he would be willing to consider if he could get past this with you. Just don't pressure him. Allow him time and space to grieve.

 

 

This I agree with.

 

It doesn’t really matter how badly I want to come back and work and hopefully save our marriage. Everything will happen when he wants it to happen that is if he wants it to.

 

Also I’m pressuring him to do anything. I also don’t want to come back because he feels pressured or the kids. If he does takes me back I want it to because he still loves me and it’s what he wants me back. The last thing I want is to make if feel trapped in a marriage that he doesn’t want to be in. At the end of the day I still love him and want him to be happy whatever that is with or without me.

[miguelcervantes]

This I agree with.

 

It doesn’t really matter how badly I want to come back and work and hopefully save our marriage. Everything will happen when he wants it to happen that is if he wants it to.

 

Also I’m pressuring him to do anything. I also don’t want to come back because he feels pressured or the kids. If he does takes me back I want it to because he still loves me and it’s what he wants me back. The last thing I want is to make if feel trapped in a marriage that he doesn’t want to be in. At the end of the day I still love him and want him to be happy whatever that is with or without me.

 

Well said, Sophie! However, in my humble opinion, the only way he will come back to you is if

 

• He still loves you
  
• He is still in love with you
  
• He knows the full truth and believes that he knows the full truth
  
• He has come to an understanding of why it happened
  
• He knows that you love him
  
• He knows that you are in love with him
  
• He knows that you are truly (and actively) remorseful
  
• He sees you to be accepting of your blame and actively doing the heavy lifting
  
• He believes that the reasons for it happening have been/are being addressed and that there is no or an extremely small chance of it happening again
  
• You provide him (without being asked to) with complete transparency, NC with OM etc
  
• You do not date others in the meantime
  

 

Then there is a very good chance that he will come back to you - you do not need to go back to him because if all of the above is true you have not really left him. This does not mean that you do not have to restart a new relationship with him because you do. I believe that although the above is quite a list you have complied with a lot of it, he still loves you and you have the wherewithal to make it work. The big one is him needing to fall back in love with you which is why I say do not stop trying. Notice that I did not put forgiveness as one of the conditions as it (a) will take some time and (b) will happen if all of the above are true. Good luck Sophie and stay strong!

[Fluttershy]

I am unsure as to what your purpose is on posting on this thread. But it doesn't seem to be to either encourage the OP or offer any advice. You seem to want to remind her of how terrible she is and how much you agree with her husband's decision. Neither of which she denied and both of which have been already done, repeatedly, ad nauseam. So what do you hope to accomplish? I think you would benefit greatly by reading the pinned topic at the top of this sub-forum that explains the purpose of this forum.

[janedoe67]

How are things going today Sophie. For the record, I like your mindset. You seem to want to make amends and do the right thing whether your H returns or not. You are open to reconciliation and are not going to do anything to jeopardize it, but you are giving him time and not pushing. You are trying to change your life and regain your character. You are focusing on your kids.

 

That is really all you can do. That is one of the hardest things about infidelity for the WS....unless you invent a time machine, it can never be undone. However, there is such a thing as redemption. I would bet that everyone on this forum has at least once told a lie, lost their temper, gossiped, etc. That does not make them a lifelong liar, abuser, or gossiper. You WERE an adulteress. What you ARE and what you WILL BE are up to you.

 

You are on the right track. Just keep living honestly.

[Robert]

This thread has been re-opened, let's keep the posts on topic and the insults off this thread. Thanks

[Sofie2013]

Things are getting crazy. Yesterday my exOM went to confront my husband at his place of work(his firm). I don’t know what he was trying to do but it really pissed off my husband. I don’t know the full story all i know is he called extremely angry. I don’t think anything happened but OM did cause a scene.

 

 

My husband has calmed down since then he still won’t to talk to me about.

[Sofie2013]

This thread has been re-opened, let's keep the posts on topic and the insults off this thread. Thanks

 

Thank you.

[RightThere]

Things are getting crazy. Yesterday my exOM went to confront my husband at his place of work(his firm). I don’t know what he was trying to do but it really pissed off my husband. I don’t know the full story all i know is he called extremely angry. I don’t think anything happened but OM did cause a scene.

 

 

My husband has calmed down since then he still won’t to talk to me about.

 

That is not good. I would imagine it pushes your husband further away from want to reconcile if he has that drama in his face and at work.

 

What prompted that? Have you spoken to or gotten any signs from the exOM that he was going to do this?

[sidney2718]

Things are getting crazy. Yesterday my exOM went to confront my husband at his place of work(his firm). I don’t know what he was trying to do but it really pissed off my husband. I don’t know the full story all i know is he called extremely angry. I don’t think anything happened but OM did cause a scene.

 

 

My husband has calmed down since then he still won’t to talk to me about.

 

Did your husband blame you for any of this?

[tiredofitall2]

Things are getting crazy. Yesterday my exOM went to confront my husband at his place of work(his firm). I don’t know what he was trying to do but it really pissed off my husband. I don’t know the full story all i know is he called extremely angry. I don’t think anything happened but OM did cause a scene.

 

 

My husband has calmed down since then he still won’t to talk to me about.

 

 

If you have nothing to do with this get a restraining order on the OM.

[harrybrown]

I am sorry that this happened. I was hoping for better things for you.

 

Have you had any contact with the OM? I would recommend that you stay out of contact with the OM. He does not sound like he would help your situation in any way.

[stillafool]

I haven't read this thread for a while but didn't your husband get OM fired? Maybe he is trying to make your husband lose his job as well. If OM was fired he must be under tremendous stress so I'm not surprised. Lack of money and losing everything will cause some people to get violent.

[ConflictWithin]

Things are getting crazy. Yesterday my exOM went to confront my husband at his place of work(his firm). I don’t know what he was trying to do but it really pissed off my husband. I don’t know the full story all i know is he called extremely angry. I don’t think anything happened but OM did cause a scene.

 

 

My husband has calmed down since then he still won’t to talk to me about.

 

I think your exOM is f**ing crazy, but not crazy enough to confront the BH when he knows full well that he doesn't have a moral pedestal to stand on to begin with.

 

So what I think is happening knowing your husband and his personality, your husband is still probably continuing to make your ex-OM's life very "pleasant." That new job your ex-OM tried to get after he was rightfully fired from his old job? Maybe there were "whispers" that he is not "right" for the job, etc. A possible effort at reconciliation with his wife? His wife suddenly gets more "unflattering" news about her WH.

 

Can't say I blame your husband one bit if this was true. I've said it before I have a similar personality as your husband, and I would have done the same thing. I will make your ex-OM pay. Unfortunately when dealing amongst ourselves (as men), sometimes an eye for an eye is the only way a message is delivered, and understood.

 

Your attempts at reconciliation could take a setback, however. Perhaps your ex-OM badmouthed you to you husband, possibly even in front of his colleagues, making him lose face. ex-OM may have said that you initiated the affair, describe things you did together that would make your husband relive painful memories, etc.

 

If so, don't get hysterical with your husband. That will come off as your attempting to deflect or hide. Deal with it like you're doing now, calmly and with complete transparency. If you told your husband everything there is to know, I think your husband would be smart enough to believe you. Your husband doesn't strike me as a fool, and could probably pick apart a liar a mile away. Transparency would be your greatest ally here.

 

I think your ex-OM is getting desperate. His world is crashing in. He thought you were just another deposit on his list of affairs, and he would get away with it, just as he got away with his prior ones. I don't think he anticipated running into someone like your husband. I will get hate for this, I know, but unfortunately as it stands now and what I know of this situation, your husband can count me as an avid supporter of his.

[Sofie2013]

Did your husband blame you for any of this?

 

Sadly he does blame me.

[Sofie2013]

That is not good. I would imagine it pushes your husband further away from want to reconcile if he has that drama in his face and at work.

 

What prompted that? Have you spoken to or gotten any signs from the exOM that he was going to do this?

 

 

Its not good at all.

 

 

I have know idea why the OM did this it make no sense to me. I haven't talked to had any kind of contact with that man in months and now he comes out of no where with this BS.

[Bryanp]

I think the OM clearly desires to hurt you and any chance of recovery you would have with your husband. He clearly knew that this would be a total embarrassment to your husband and hurt him again. I hope that you now truly see what a scumbag this OM really is to you and your husband.

[tom670]

I think the OM clearly desires to hurt you and any chance of recovery you would have with your husband. He clearly knew that this would be a total embarrassment to your husband and hurt him again. I hope that you now truly see what a scumbag this OM really is to you and your husband.

 

I can't agree with this enough.