Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[JustJoe]

Sofie, you should see this as an opportunity to PROVE by your actions who you want to be with and who you love. Tell your husband that you DO NOT want any further contact with the OM and are willing to go all out to stop it. Tell him that if he is OK with it, YOU will get a restraining order against the OM. Show your husband that you will go to the wall to defend your marriage.

[BeholdtheMan]

I have put up a lot to be with him in the past. At one point my parent and some family stopped talking to me because I was still seeing him.

You did a lot for him in the past...but none of that is relevant to whether he should forgive you

 

You cheated. You committed the ultimate betrayal and heaped the ultimate humiliation on him. He might still be able to respect you as a human being because of all you've done for him in the past, but he is not obligated whatsoever to stay with you.

 

Good deeds in the past don't counterbalance cheating.

 

Many of them told me the same thing you told me “oh you could do so much better” and “why are with him” I didn’t listen and with time all of my family came to love him just as I do.

What you're implying is that you're superior to your husband. You lowered yourself to marry him even though all these people around you thought you were superior to him...

 

Ugh, how incredibly condescending. I hope you don't feel a latent sense of supriority to your husband. If you do, might as well let him go. He deserves much better

[ConflictWithin]

You did a lot for him in the past...but none of that is relevant to whether he should forgive you

 

You cheated. You committed the ultimate betrayal and heaped the ultimate humiliation on him. He might still be able to respect you as a human being because of all you've done for him in the past, but he is not obligated whatsoever to stay with you.

 

Good deeds in the past don't counterbalance cheating.

 

What you're implying is that you're superior to your husband. You lowered yourself to marry him even though all these people around you thought you were superior to him...

 

Ugh, how incredibly condescending. I hope you don't feel a latent sense of supriority to your husband. If you do, might as well let him go. He deserves much better

 

I think you're reading too much into this.

I'm not sure the OP meant to sound condescending at all.

I believe the OP's actual intention with her narrative was to explain to the audience that despite suffocating outside pressures and persuasions, she stuck with and married this man...well, because she loves him.

[miguelcervantes]

Sofie, you should see this as an opportunity to PROVE by your actions who you want to be with and who you love. Tell your husband that you DO NOT want any further contact with the OM and are willing to go all out to stop it. Tell him that if he is OK with it, YOU will get a restraining order against the OM. Show your husband that you will go to the wall to defend your marriage.

 

Sofie this is a good piece of advice!

[sidney2718]

If you have nothing to do with this get a restraining order on the OM.

 

You may not be able to get a restraining order because the OM didn't come near you. But talk to your lawyer, there might well be something that you can do.

 

I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful. You did not need this, especially now.

 

Hugs.

[atreides]

I can't agree with this enough.

 

Do you mean by having starting the A in the first place kind of blame or something more specific and direct to have caused that confrontation?

 

There are going to be setbacks, but keep the NC with OM no matter what. Perhaps when your H is calmer he will come around and let you now what happened.

[Sofie2013]

I was able to talk to my husband secretary today. She was able to give the full story of what happened the other day with my ExOM. It turns out the OM did show up at my husband firm although they never meet face to face. My husband boss realized who the OM was before he could confront my husband. According to his secretary the OM never made pass the lobby. It not as bad as I first thought don’t get me wrong its still a messy situation to be in. I just thought it was worse they way my husband reacted over the phone. I also think that’s part of the reason why he doesn’t want to talk about with me.

 

 

I do have some goof news well maybe if it all goes the way I plan it. I have begged my mother to have thanksgiving dinner at my house this year. We always have it at her house but this with my current separation going the way it has I thought it would be better to have at my house and she agreed. My husband will have the boys tomorrow morning and he will drop them off around 12ish well that’s the plan. My other family member should as start to arrive at that time. Now the reason why I wanted to have thanksgiving at my house was I feel my husband would feel more welcomed or safe being in his own house and feel more inclined to stay. He has not agreed to stay at all but I have told he more then welcomed to join us. Hopefully my idea works

[BetrayedH]

I hope he stayed.

[BetrayedH]

hola soficilla!

I've been following this thread for some time and I do have positive feedback for you. Stats are that through counseling marriages do resolve their problems 86% of the time. Maybe you should fire your counselor if they can't bring your hubby to terms with your affair. I'd give the counselor an ultimatum creatively find a way to work things out between us or hasta la luego.

 

I always find stats like this to be very curious. Road quotes a similar stat that some 78% of marriages survive an affair. How odd considering that some 50% of marriages end in divorce.

[Sofie2013]

I hope he stayed.

 

 

I’m kind of tried right now so I won’t go into the full details but my husband and his brother both stayed.

 

I will give you guys the full story tomorrow.

[Sofie2013]

My thanksgiving weekend went as close to prefect as possible.

 

Like I said before my husband did stay for thanksgiving and stayed till yesterday in morning. My husband dropped off the like we planned and he was planning on leaving but my older brother and my BIL stared talking outside. BIL was able to convince my husband to stay and he did. My husband and his brother both spent the night as well my brother. We actually shared the same bed thanksgiving night. We mostly talked about things we did when we were younger. It was a great ending to a prefect day.

 

We also spent most of Friday together with my 3 other sibling and my two BIL. My parents took the kids for the day. So we all went out to eat and had a good time. Over all it was a great holiday

[whiterabbit46]

Sofie, I've been reading all the posts in this thread. You seem to be sincerely remorseful and desperate to heal your marriage. I hope that your hubby will see how sorry you are for what has happened and give you another chance to be the wife you know you can be and the one he deserves.

[Sofie2013]

You did a lot for him in the past...but none of that is relevant to whether he should forgive you

 

You cheated. You committed the ultimate betrayal and heaped the ultimate humiliation on him. He might still be able to respect you as a human being because of all you've done for him in the past, but he is not obligated whatsoever to stay with you.

 

Good deeds in the past don't counterbalance cheating.

 

What you're implying is that you're superior to your husband. You lowered yourself to marry him even though all these people around you thought you were superior to him...

 

Ugh, how incredibly condescending. I hope you don't feel a latent sense of supriority to your husband. If you do, might as well let him go. He deserves much better

 

The top part I agree with you. There is no excuse for I did. I never said my husband was “obligated” to do anything for me.

 

 

 

Moat people would tell you the same thing if you took your cheating boyfriend back. Even here a few posters who don’t even know my husband have said he shouldn’t come back.

 

 

I never felt superior to my husband. I kind envy him a little.

 

 

At the time I wrote that I was responding too another poster who did piss me off a bit. I felt I was getting painted in a very bad light and I was only trying to defined my self.

[may2012]

Sofie, I have been following your story and hope that you and your husband reconcile. I am rooting for you!

[Sofie2013]

well bh stats are that only 90% of marriages end in divorce the remaining 10% who try to workout the affair by themselves only 1% survive. However they who go to counseling have a 86% success rate. However if Sofie's H sees her as a glutton he may not trust her. Its obvious that he loves her, look they spend time together better than where I am at. Now if Sofie comes from a wealthy family " Daddies little girl" who lived the life of a party girl then he could easily misconstrue her for a glutton.

 

 

I do come from a well off family. I am a daddy’s girl I have always been extremely close to my father like my other two sisters. I wasn’t the “party girl” if it wasn’t for my husband then boyfriend my college years would have sucked big time. Half of you would be surprised at half of the stuff we did together.

[Sofie2013]

he loves you!!! sofie why do you think is the reason for him loving you so much? Did you play hard to get while he was chasing you?

 

 

I really don’t know why he loves me so much. I guess I’m just really lucky have him as my husband.

 

 

I chased me for about 2 years before I said yes. My husband was a start athlete in high school and in college so he did have a lot of girls falling for him. I was scared of just being another “one” and my older brother who was and is still friends wouldn’t with my husband wouldn’t let date him.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Sofie, I am glad you enjoyed the holiday and that you made a small step forward. I hope that this trend will continue, but as you know this is going to be a very long and arduous process. I also applaud your efforts to hang on to this forum and take your lumps in stride, this shows character. I recommend that you plan lots of fun things with you and your son over the holiday to make it special for both of you.

[Chi townD]

Okay! Great news! And I thought they locked this thread up!

 

Wow, he even slept in the same room with you on thanksgiving! And you spent the night up "talking", Gotcha! hee...hee.... J/K

 

So, what's next on the list? Co-parenting counseling still a thing?

[Chi townD]

Its not good at all.

 

 

I have know idea why the OM did this it make no sense to me. I haven't talked to had any kind of contact with that man in months and now he comes out of no where with this BS.

 

Might have found out that your husband is the reason he's out of a job. And, I hate to say it, but do you think anything happened between your Husband and the OMW recently?

[Sofie2013]

Sofie are you one of those beautiful house wives York that we see on tv. Is it fair to say that you're between a 7-9 in beauty. I think that above your beauty there's a charisma. 15 years ago I worked in NYC for a premier advertising firm at that it was the most reputable in NYC, so I'm very experienced in such matters of putting ads together for bigger companies. Much of my time was spent with the customers and their wives eating out in Balthazar in the east village. Yes I have heard alot of cheating, but what I noticed was that if the wife was a trophy wife that's too say " a woman that played hard to get" divorce is unlikely. Sofie my expertise is in statistics and for the odds to work in your favor, it's going to depend on the efficacy of the psychologist.

 

 

I have been told in the past that I am beautiful. I haven’t felt like it in awhile. I never was a housewife. I have worked all my wife at one point early on in your marriage I was making more then my husband. I think the fact that I’m very independent is one of the things my husband loves most about me. In short I don’t consider my self a trophy wife. I didn’t play hard to get because I didn’t want him or anything like that I just wasn’t ready to date any one yet. He was my first serious BF we dated on and off for a few years.

[Sofie2013]

Okay! Great news! And I thought they locked this thread up!

 

Wow, he even slept in the same room with you on thanksgiving! And you spent the night up "talking", Gotcha! hee...hee.... J/K

 

So, what's next on the list? Co-parenting counseling still a thing?

 

 

Its was just talking I promise

 

We do have co-parenting session tomorrow and hopefully another family day with the kids.

 

Might have found out that your husband is the reason he's out of a job. And, I hate to say it, but do you think anything happened between your Husband and the OMW recently?

 

 

My ExMM knows my husband was the one who exposed the affair. My husband says that’s all he did and nothing else. I don’t think anything else happened besides that stunt my ExMM puled

[Sofie2013]

men whose mothers were hard working respects hard working women and don't respect women who don't work. The exemption is the trophy wife. Suspect that H's mom was hard working!

 

 

I don’t know if you read the first thread but I went into little about his parents. In short his Bio mother and father were never in the picture. His grandparents raised him and his older brother. Both of his grandparent were very hard working people.

[Chi townD]

 

 

My ExMM knows my husband was the one who exposed the affair. My husband says that’s all he did and nothing else. I don’t think anything else happened besides that stunt my ExMM puled

 

I don't know...I feel WAY too much time has passed for the OM to want to "talk" to your BS and even go as far as to show up at his work to discuss what happened between the two of you.

 

Therefore, I can't shake this feeling that something else might have happened to set this guy off to want a confrontation inside his work. Hell, he could have staked out the parking lot at the end of the day and approach him there. But, he went in like gangbusters in the middle of the day. Like there was a sense of urgency; something that couldn't wait.. Obviously, SOMETHING got his motor running.

 

Just.....spidey senses are tingling.

[Sofie2013]

I'm not a psychologist, my job is processing data collected from focus groups. This is what I see and its positive, remember what I am writing is based on the limited date that I have. You're between the ages of 31-33, 5'7 -5'9 (170-175 cm) brunette with curly hair, better than average looks. With a very caring and warm personality this is the problem for when people like H fell in love with you its because he felt that he was all that you cared about. I believe that you ran the house from finances to decision making. If any company tried to sell a project to your H they would have to get your Ok! This has been my experience at least, point blank H trusted you. By betraying him this may have made him narcissistic. What I mean by narcissistic is that now he has to protect himself, its all about him! Some how or some way your going to have gain that trust! I've no idea how to gain his trust but I do know that he loves you, at least he demonstrates it in his actions and behavior. Buenos suerte! Sofie

 

 

Wow you got my age, height and hair color down. Although I am a natural brunette went blonde about years ago hubby never liked it. I am a very caring person to a fault some times. I’m pretty impressed you got all that from my posts.

 

 

When it came to running the finances and financial decisions that’s all hubby. I was never good with money so I just let my husband take care of that. My husband and I still had somewhat of an old fashion marriage I mostly took care of the home and kids and he helped as well.

 

 

My husband did trust me very much. He would tell me anything and everything. It took us awhile to get there because of his childhood issues and me never been able to completely understand him.

[Sofie2013]

I don't know...I feel WAY too much time has passed for the OM to want to "talk" to your BS and even go as far as to show up at his work to discuss what happened between the two of you.

 

Therefore, I can't shake this feeling that something else might have happened to set this guy off to want a confrontation inside his work. Hell, he could have staked out the parking lot at the end of the day and approach him there. But, he went in like gangbusters in the middle of the day. Like there was a sense of urgency; something that couldn't wait.. Obviously, SOMETHING got his motor running.

 

Just.....spidey senses are tingling.

 

I don’t what the OM was trying to proof about doing what he did. My husband told all if ever did to the OM was get him fired nothing else. The OM is going through is own set of problems which he probably blames my husband for since he’s already blamed me. He obviously wasn’t thinking because he really pissed off my husband.

 

 

I don’t think the OM would want to be in a empty parking with my husband.