Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[aliveagain]

Sofie, O/M is an opportunist, a wolf in sheep's clothing, a Brutus and assassin of your marriage. Yes he blames your husband because he was entitled, he was also very stupid to answer the phone in your hotel room at 1:00 in the morning. The fact that he was banging a friend and associates wife isn't the problem, in his eyes the problem has to do with your husband exposing the two of you to your employer which resulted in both of you being fired. He doesn't see his personal dealings with you as a good enough reason for loosing everything, he's angry at the snitch who ratted him out and f**ked up his fantasy. The entitled ones usually fall the furthest and hardest. You may want to consider a restraining order against him, your husband would see that as a definite end of your affair.

[Fluttershy]

Sofie, O/M is an opportunist, a wolf in sheep's clothing, a Brutus and assassin of your marriage. Yes he blames your husband because he was entitled, he was also very stupid to answer the phone in your hotel room at 1:00 in the morning. The fact that he was banging a friend and associates wife isn't the problem, in his eyes the problem has to do with your husband exposing the two of you to your employer which resulted in both of you being fired. He doesn't see his personal dealings with you as a good enough reason for loosing everything, he's angry at the snitch who ratted him out and f**ked up his fantasy. The entitled ones usually fall the furthest and hardest. You may want to consider a restraining order against him, your husband would see that as a definite end of your affair.

 

This!!! A person who won't own their own actions will go irrational blaming everyone else. Instead of thinking "i shouldn't cheat" he thinks "her husband shouldn't have spied." These sort of people will blame everyone and anyone over taking responsibility. And if they own anything it will be "I should have picked a different A person" rather than "I shouldn't have cheated"

People like this make me sick. I can imagine sophie as you involved yourself with him you feel disgusted yourself.

[happyman64]

Sofie

 

I hope your Xmas goes as good a Thanksgiving.

 

I nice present for him would be to dye your hair back to brunette.

 

Stay strong. You are on the long road no matter what happens.

 

Patience.

 

HM

[aliveagain]

Sofie

 

I hope your Xmas goes as good a Thanksgiving.

 

I nice present for him would be to dye your hair back to brunette.

 

Stay strong. You are on the long road no matter what happens.

 

Patience.

 

HM

 

happyman, great recommendation which I second with gusto. You will also appear as the pre affair Sofie, the mother of his children.

[Sofie2013]

aliveagain, Fluttershy

 

You’re both right. That man is a really piece of ****. Everything he going through I already went or I am going through. I’m losing just if not more then he is and yet he still has the nerve to put blame on others. And you guys don’t even know half of the stuff he has said after I exposed the affair to his wife. I just don’t understand why he wont leave me (us) alone he already helped me destroy me life what more can he do.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie

 

I hope your Xmas goes as good a Thanksgiving.

 

I nice present for him would be to dye your hair back to brunette.

 

Stay strong. You are on the long road no matter what happens.

 

Patience.

 

HM

 

 

 

 

I am hoping for a good Xmas. I’m going to try the same thing as thanksgiving again hopefully my moms ok with it.

 

 

I plan on dying before Xmas I was going to do it before thanksgiving but I didn’t have to time and I didn’t know what color to dye hair. Besides I don’t look good with blonde hair I don’t know what I was thinking.

[ConflictWithin]

Sofie are you one of those beautiful house wives York that we see on tv. Is it fair to say that you're between a 7-9 in beauty.

 

I'm not a psychologist...You're between the ages of 31-33, 5'7 -5'9 (170-175 cm) brunette with curly hair, better than average looks.

 

 

Dude, you sure you're not the exMM trolling around here? Kidding.

 

But hey, the OP ate it up. She's flattered.

 

Which leads me to ponder....................

 

I have been told in the past that I am beautiful.

 

Wow you got my age, height and hair color down. Although I am a natural brunette went blonde about years ago hubby never liked it. I am a very caring person to a fault some times. I’m pretty impressed you got all that from my posts.

Edited December 4, 2013 by ConflictWithin

[Furious]

Dude, you sure you're not the exMM trolling around here? Kidding.

 

But hey, the OP ate it up. She's flattered.

 

Which leads me to ponder....................

 

 

Bingo...

 

For most betrayed spouses the "why" their husband or wife cheated is the all consuming question. Untangling that big question is often given more substance than that simple and hard to wrap you mind around answer.

 

Simply....any attention and flattery regardless if it's an anonymous person on a forum or a work colleague or someone they know or a chance meeting with someone....the flattery is too hard to resist. External validation is something that some cannot resist.

 

Most people with heathy self esteem take compliments or flattery with a grain of salt. Those that are hungry for it are vulnerable to those who lavish them with attention and flattery.

 

Players are always complimentary and flatter on a daily basis and know someone will eventually will take the bait.

 

More often than not those who end up in affairs are gambling on losing their spouse and breaking up their family in exchange for external validation.

 

Sofie you're too preoccupied with winning your husband back as opposed to digging deep into your "why" for risking losing him.

[janedoe67]

No I've haven't lived in NYC for 15 years! As of now I work for a major marketing firm out of Calgary Alberta the oil capital of Canada. Marketing is not pseudo-science Procter and Gamble are not going to payout millions of dollars for coincidental information. All ad campaigns must age appropriate! Let me give you some other info on Sofie that only she would know to prove to you the truth.

If Sofie is 31 these are no doubt the top 5 songs that she listens to; to this day!

1. Macarena (Bayside Boys Remix), Los Del Rio

2. One Sweet Day, Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men

3. Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion

4. Nobody Knows, Tony Rich Project

5. Always Be My Baby, Mariah Carey

 

32 years of age the top 5 songs are the following.

1. Elton John Candle In The Wind 1997

2. Jewel Foolish Games / You Were Meant For Me

3. Puff Daddy and Faith Evans I'll Be Missing You

4. Toni Braxton Un-Break My Heart

5. Puff Daddy Can't Nobody Hold Me Down

 

33 years of age the top 5 songs are the following.

1. Next Too Close

2. Brandy and Monica The Boy Is Mine

3. Shania Twain You're Still The One

4. Savage Garden Truly Madly Deeply

5.LeAnn Rimes How Do I Live

 

What is implied that if she downloads a song from youtube.com voluntarily these are the songs most probable in her selection.

 

Further more I can probably out the personality of the om based on Sofie's body type.

 

If she is long and lean, then the om should be quiet and reserved maybe even slightly effeminate, very emotional and moved to tears.

 

If Sofie is robust and roomy in the hips that could indicate that the om suffers from guilt. That is to say that every little evil deed done bothers. He is likely to believe in Karma, attend confession, and worry about his sins, or if he has done illegal things like not pay taxes or drive through a red light he'd be prone to worry about the law.

 

I am now officially creeped out, but there was a time I might have been flattered. That statement is on topic because it shows the state of mind of various stages in a WW's recovery.

[peruano99]

Jesus 35 pages...can anyone summarize what happened in this thread?

[Fluttershy]

I love this site sometimes, especially when an OP gets advice they don't like to hear and then literally ignore it. Best just ignore me eh Sofie..

 

while your whole post is full of thinly veiled (and not veiled) hostility and insults I want to touch on this?

Why are you so entitled that she should follow your "suggestion" and "opinion"? Why are you so right that by at this time following other people's advice is wrong?

It is a forum. There are many POV. If your advice was followe someone else's will be ignored. You and those who have shared this idea are not the ones she is choosing to listen to. Why are you more special that having your advice not followed is such a big deal?

People come here to seek advice. They get a lot of advice (and insults) and then they take what they want. And she has taken a lot of critism and advice well.

I think it has been stated but I will say it again.

"Sophie's husband makes his own choices. She isn't stalking him

Or holding him back. He is not a guy who will be manipulated. If he wants to give her a second chance it will be his descision fully. All she can do is be open to it and put her best foot forward... Always.

[bwright42tx]

Jesus 35 pages...can anyone summarize what happened in this thread?

 

Sofie's H moved out . . .she wants to R, he says he doesn't, they are attending counseling for co-parenting only. She's trying to change his mind. . .

[Sofie2013]

Sofie,

 

Let me start off by saying I HATE cheating. I have a very black and white view on the topic. If you cheat its over, no second chances.

 

BUT its hard not to root for you. It's easy to bash (especially on this cast stoning site) but with the maturity and the remorse you have shown I am certainly not here to do that. I really admire the strength you are showing right now. Divorce on the way, no job and two sad little kids. I know many would crack under the strain.

 

The problem I see in the future is that this is a rollercoaster ride. Ups and downs. The reasons for the ups and downs are obvious. Ok lets focus on the downs first.

 

Downs: Your husband wasn't particulary happy before the affair and he seems to be the kind of guy that has zero tolerance for cheating (like me). There is another thing you are under estimating. The fragilitity of the male ego. A man hates knowing that his work colleagues, friends and family knows that his wife has cheated. It's highly embrassing for a men, especially a high powered alpha man like your husband.

 

This moron calling to your Husbands office just adds to the embarrassment. His secrertary tells her friend in another department and she tells someone else in another appartment and before you know it this story has legs. Stuff like this reaffirms your husbands commitment to divorce.

 

Ok the Ups. He loves you. We all can see it. He loves his kids. He wants the kids to be happy (to NOT have his childhood) and deep down he knows you are a good woman and mother. Hard to find that someone you have that overall connection with. Add to that this time of the year is magic. Holidays. You see your kids smiling and you start to question the decision to leave. Christmas is coming. Santa, presents, magic is in the air.

 

Some days he knows he wants out. Other days he is not sure. This is the rollercoaster effect and you are on his personal rollercoaster ride. The natural highs of the holidays give you false hope. It's January that I worry about. One way or another he will eventually make his decision. To move on or to try again. Right now I believe he is somewhere in between (closer to leaving then staying). If he moves on and you come off that rollercoaster with no hope for reconcliation, I really worry how this will effect you. Right know you are holding onto 'hope' but if he fully removes himself from the marriage, then I don't think will realize just how bad this is going to get. It could even get messy as he finally detangles from the marriage.

 

I know you want to reconcile but you need to really start preparing for him to leave. My opinion (and I hope I am wrong) is that he will get colder after Christmas and that he will see the divorce out. I feel for a alpha male like your husband in a high powered role the embarrassment is too much. I think he won't get over your betrayal. I also believe the fact you believe you can still save things will lead to utter heartbreak down the line. I hope i'm wrong. I am hoping his desire to see his kids happy and him becoming a more emotional mature person with the ability to forgive will win out that day. I am hoping he will realise that there are more important things then great jobs in the world. If he can do that your marriage would probably end up better then ever.

 

Sadly your husband I feel is the quintessential Leopard and I don't see him changing his spots. I think he will go through with this and if he does I believe that door will forever stay shut. I think you will avoid a lot of pain if you start thinking in this midset instead of hoping for Christmas miracles. I wish you well.

 

 

I know he’s going to have ups and downs. He’s going to continue to have them. I would like to help work through them any way I can. If he decides to go through divorce and move on I can’t really do much to help. Only a handful of people know about the affair. At my husband firm only 3 people know I had an affair and besides those 3 on even knows we are getting a divorce. My husband has kept the divorce behind closed doors he hasn’t really told anyone some of his closest I have known idea about the affair or the divorce. I have told my family. I know he loves me and our kids. I know for a fact he would do anything for them. I have put my husband in positions where he does not I want to be in.

 

I know I am on my husband “personal rollercoaster”. I don’t know how he going to act after the holidays he could go cold I don’t know none of us do. I have already known my husband a lot closer to leaving then staying. We all know that the divorce should be final within a few weeks and I’m positive it’s going through. To me it doesn’t matter I’m still going to try to win him back. In the end I might have to realize I lost him for good but its way to soon to give up now.

 

Look you’re probably right moving on would be the safe thing to do. The way I see it the pain I would feel is only a fraction of what I put my husband through. I know my husband change i have seen him change before and can do so again if thats what he wants.

[Grumpybutfun]

Sofie:

I don't agree that you should just quit trying. Much of what hurts in physical cheating is a man's ego takes a punch, and trust is corrupted. If you just go on with your life as though you are fine and he doesn't matter, I think that will send the message to your husband that you really don't care anymore. Maybe I am a simple man, but I would want the love of my life to fight for me. Only after some time could I begin to forgive since I am a proud man, but I think if she fought and really showed me that she was remorseful and open to living a healthy life and improving our marriage could I start to pull her back to me emotionally.

I wouldn't give up, especially after my realization of what I could lose.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Sofie2013]

Bingo...

 

For most betrayed spouses the "why" their husband or wife cheated is the all consuming question. Untangling that big question is often given more substance than that simple and hard to wrap you mind around answer.

 

Simply....any attention and flattery regardless if it's an anonymous person on a forum or a work colleague or someone they know or a chance meeting with someone....the flattery is too hard to resist. External validation is something that some cannot resist.

 

Most people with heathy self esteem take compliments or flattery with a grain of salt. Those that are hungry for it are vulnerable to those who lavish them with attention and flattery.

 

Players are always complimentary and flatter on a daily basis and know someone will eventually will take the bait.

 

More often than not those who end up in affairs are gambling on losing their spouse and breaking up their family in exchange for external validation.

 

Sofie you're too preoccupied with winning your husband back as opposed to digging deep into your "why" for risking losing him.

 

I have been working no “why” I let the affair happen. My counselor has own theory of why I stared a affair. I don’t know if I agree with her just yet. I have been working in myself and find ways to make sure something like this never happens again.

[aliveagain]

Sofie, I too live in Calgary, actually on an acreage outside of it and I am telling you that even if you like music by Gid Tanner and The Skillet Lickers or Eve Hell and the Razors, never give up hope, fight for your marriage and color your hair a darker brown.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie, I too live in Calgary, actually on an acreage outside of it and I am telling you that even if you like music by Gid Tanner and The Skillet Lickers or Eve Hell and the Razors, never give up hope, fight for your marriage and color your hair a darker brown.

 

That’s the plan. Won’t be giving up anytime soon

 

I might go black hair with brown highlights.

[Sofie2013]

I just got off the phone with my husband. We had a pretty good conversation. We actually talked about doing another family actively with the kids. My husband came up with a great idea to take the kids to pick and cut their own Christmas tree. We are planning on going tomorrow or Friday. So looking forward to it we never actually had a really Christmas tree so this will be a first. I know the boys are going to love it.

[Debanked]

Make it about the kids and your love will blossom again. That's where they originated from. There's no denying the power of family.

[aliveagain]

I just got off the phone with my husband. We had a pretty good conversation. We actually talked about doing another family actively with the kids. My husband came up with a great idea to take the kids to pick and cut their own Christmas tree. We are planning on going tomorrow or Friday. So looking forward to it we never actually had a really Christmas tree so this will be a first. I know the boys are going to love it.

 

Plan not to stay after dark. This actually happened to me, bring GPS, went to a place called Sundry Alberta(Grizzly country, more Grizzly Bear per capita than anywhere else on the planet). Went to cut our own tree, what they didn't tell me was we had to chop down a 60 ft. tall tree and than cut off the top 12 feet of the tree for ourselves and the fee we paid(they keep the rest and sell it to the plywood mill). Being the great outdoors man that I am we wandered deep into the woods looking for the perfect tree, no problem as long as the sun was up. As soon as the sun went down I couldn't tell north from south, east from west and when the other people left to go home you couldn't follow the sound of their voices. When we finally found footprints in the snow(dragging a 12 foot tree in deep snow as the only adult male is not fun) they went in every direction like a maze, panic set in. The forest rangers finally came looking for us as our vehicle was the only one left in the makeshift parking area, thank God.

 

Take lots of gloves, an extra blanket or two, hand warmers, water, hot coco and energy snacks and a camera and chidrens Xmas music to play in the car or SUV. Please go early and leave before the sun goes down. A true story.

Edited December 5, 2013 by aliveagain

[anne1707]

So looking forward to it we never actually had a really Christmas tree so this will be a first. I know the boys are going to love it.

 

Never had a Christmas tree!!!....hmmm red flag city (sounds cold) but never mind..

 

No red flags at all. They have never had a REAL tree, not never had a tree at all.

[Ap22]

Sofie:

I don't agree that you should just quit trying. Much of what hurts in physical cheating is a man's ego takes a punch, and trust is corrupted. If you just go on with your life as though you are fine and he doesn't matter, I think that will send the message to your husband that you really don't care anymore. Maybe I am a simple man, but I would want the love of my life to fight for me. Only after some time could I begin to forgive since I am a proud man, but I think if she fought and really showed me that she was remorseful and open to living a healthy life and improving our marriage could I start to pull her back to me emotionally.

I wouldn't give up, especially after my realization of what I could lose.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

This.

 

I just found out about my wifes affair 2.5 weeks ago. She has been doing everything possible to make it up to me. She is constantly wanting to do everything for me (its even a bit annoying at times) and she is always reassuring me and telling me she will fight for me.

 

So far, she seems extremely remorseful and is trying to show me everyday how sorry she truly is. Even on my bad days, when I cant stand the sight of her, deep down it makes me feel better that she is there trying.

 

The other night she went to bed without me for the first time since Dday. She said she thought i was staying up to finish watching the game and didnt want to bother me. Since she had been begging me every night to come to bed early with her, I took it as her not caring. Needless to say that triggered me hard.

 

Truth is, I hate her for what she did and her actions truly disgust me. She threatened the comfort and stability of our childrens lives. Its taking everything I have to try to R with her. I always have had a zero tolerance policy with cheating, but this is the first time I've had to handle it with kids. The kids are keeping me here for now, its up to her to keep me for good. If she stopped trying for whatever reason, this would fail miserably.

 

Dont stop trying. Even if it seems he doesnt want comfort from you...deep down he does.

[Sofie2013]

Plan not to stay after dark. This actually happened to me, bring GPS, went to a place called Sundry Alberta(Grizzly country, more Grizzly Bear per capita than anywhere else on the planet). Went to cut our own tree, what they didn't tell me was we had to chop down a 60 ft. tall tree and than cut off the top 12 feet of the tree for ourselves and the fee we paid(they keep the rest and sell it to the plywood mill). Being the great outdoors man that I am we wandered deep into the woods looking for the perfect tree, no problem as long as the sun was up. As soon as the sun went down I couldn't tell north from south, east from west and when the other people left to go home you couldn't follow the sound of their voices. When we finally found footprints in the snow(dragging a 12 foot tree in deep snow as the only adult male is not fun) they went in every direction like a maze, panic set in. The forest rangers finally came looking for us as our vehicle was the only one left in the makeshift parking area, thank God.

 

Take lots of gloves, an extra blanket or two, hand warmers, water, hot coco and energy snacks and a camera and chidrens Xmas music to play in the car or SUV. Please go early and leave before the sun goes down. A true story.

 

LOL funny story.

 

We are going to tree farm in eastern long island. Its only about 2 hours out with traffic. Hopefully the weather will be like it was today and not freezing like it was last week. I actually told the kids tonight and they sounded super exited. It’s going to be the first time we actually have a really Xmas tree.

 

I have everything packed already. I just have carful what I bring my boys can be somewhat sloppy and hubby is neat freak when it comes to his cars.

[Sofie2013]

No red flags at all. They have never had a REAL tree, not never had a tree at all.

 

I have had actual really Christmas trees before when I was younger. My kids never had a really Christmas we always had the plastic ones. So it will be a family first.

[Sofie2013]

This.

 

I just found out about my wifes affair 2.5 weeks ago. She has been doing everything possible to make it up to me. She is constantly wanting to do everything for me (its even a bit annoying at times) and she is always reassuring me and telling me she will fight for me.

 

So far, she seems extremely remorseful and is trying to show me everyday how sorry she truly is. Even on my bad days, when I cant stand the sight of her, deep down it makes me feel better that she is there trying.

 

The other night she went to bed without me for the first time since Dday. She said she thought i was staying up to finish watching the game and didnt want to bother me. Since she had been begging me every night to come to bed early with her, I took it as her not caring. Needless to say that triggered me hard.

 

Truth is, I hate her for what she did and her actions truly disgust me. She threatened the comfort and stability of our childrens lives. Its taking everything I have to try to R with her. I always have had a zero tolerance policy with cheating, but this is the first time I've had to handle it with kids. The kids are keeping me here for now, its up to her to keep me for good. If she stopped trying for whatever reason, this would fail miserably.

 

Dont stop trying. Even if it seems he doesnt want comfort from you...deep down he does.

 

I hope you guys are able to pull through it and come out stronger than before. Hope your wife realizes how lucky she is to be getting a second chance. A lot of us aren’t so lucky. I wish you the best

 

I still plan on fight for my husband. I know a lot of poster thinks it isn’t worth it but to me he more than worth it.