Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[peruano99]

No we were very much together. We were already living together and in college. I went study abroad for a semester. During that time he stared cheating on me and would leave me for her.

 

If that's the case, if you two can work it out, then I wish you and your husband a long and prosperous life together.

[Sofie2013]

I have been wanting to post this for a while but I haven’t been brave enough I don’t know how you guys would react but I want to know what you guys think.

 

As you guys know I have been going to IC for a few months now. For the last few sessions I have had my counselor has started to share why she I thinks I had an affair. My counselor believes one of the main reason I had my affair was to get back at my husband for cheating on me when we were dating. She believes we never actually worked on the issue and now years later they have come back. The fact that we pretty much rug swept the infidelity the first time around. She feels we both like running away from our problems instead of facing them. My counselor also believes I have deep routed resentment towards my husband because the way people reacted when I took him back and the affair I was a former of payback.

 

 

I don’t know how a feel about of it yet. Like it makes sense to me but the again it makes it seems like I’m putting the blame on him again which it isn’t. I don’t think I will ever be able to figure this out entirely without talking to him. I really want to know how he feels about every and he thinks.

[Clay]

I actually wondered this myself when reading your thread. It is possible but in that long of a time span I am not really sure. I think for sure you felt he did deserve it to some degree I am just not sure. I wanted to cheat on my xW when she kept doing it to me. I did build and still do have serious resentment towards her. I wished everyday I did not have kids with her. So it is really possible you did cheat on him because of what he did to you.

 

I hope you are doing better.

 

Clay

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Sofie - this might be very valid.

 

 

I know my husband had an affair after mine and we have discussed whether it was revenge or not - I think in some ways it was. I guess in some ways it put us on an "even" playing field, but in other ways it really impeded any progress we were making in recovery. Although I think he felt somewhat "justified" in it, I think he would tell you it wasn't worth how it made him feel about himself as a man.

 

 

If I were you I would take your counselor's lead and explore this more. This might be the root of the issue.

[HopingAgain]

Sofie, I think your counselor is on to something! When a person experiences infidelity in marriage or LTR, and decides to stay without either working through the issue, resentment can build for years and then boils over when a perfect opportunity comes along to cheat. I was just talking about how this in another thread, this happened to me in my fiest marriage. My H cheated and instead of insisting on mutual counseling and growth I just pushed my feelings down. It ended with me eventually cheating and after some time I realized I'd never gotten over my husbands infidelity so hurting him back was how I ciped. If you explore your feelings on this it could lead to a big breakthrough for you in terms of healing.

[Sofie2013]

I actually wondered this myself when reading your thread. It is possible but in that long of a time span I am not really sure. I think for sure you felt he did deserve it to some degree I am just not sure. I wanted to cheat on my xW when she kept doing it to me. I did build and still do have serious resentment towards her. I wished everyday I did not have kids with her. So it is really possible you did cheat on him because of what he did to you.

 

I hope you are doing better.

 

Clay

 

 

Yeah that’s what I’m thinking too. It’s more than 10 years ago that he cheated and left me. Part me does feel like I already forgive him for what he did. When he came back he was extremely sorry and begged me to take back. Since then he has treated me like gold. He has been a wonderful husband. That part of the reason why I don’t really buy in to my counselor’s theory.

 

 

I’m doing ok. Hubby still hasn’t cold on me yet were talking to each other at least twice a day which is great. The problem is I still haven’t be able to find a job.

[Fluttershy]

I don't think I agree with your counsellor. Because I believe in their hearts people know if their act is revenge or at least feel it might be. Counsellors can tend to plant false memories and feelings if they aren't careful whih is why I feel counsellin should be done with caution and being very selective. Examine your feelings and if you know it was just greed on your part then tell her no you don't feel it was about revenge. If she pushes it get a new counsellor.

 

I do think your husband's affair made you feel more comfortable having one pf your own. You forgave him so IF you were caught he'd forgive you. That is a very normal rationalization. But that doesn't mean you did the affair to get back at him. It just means you felt "safer" conducting one.

 

Someomes people look for a deep why when there is none.

[FrankieFrank]

I have been wanting to post this for a while but I haven’t been brave enough I don’t know how you guys would react but I want to know what you guys think.

 

As you guys know I have been going to IC for a few months now. For the last few sessions I have had my counselor has started to share why she I thinks I had an affair. My counselor believes one of the main reason I had my affair was to get back at my husband for cheating on me when we were dating. She believes we never actually worked on the issue and now years later they have come back. The fact that we pretty much rug swept the infidelity the first time around. She feels we both like running away from our problems instead of facing them. My counselor also believes I have deep routed resentment towards my husband because the way people reacted when I took him back and the affair I was a former of payback.

 

 

I don’t know how a feel about of it yet. Like it makes sense to me but the again it makes it seems like I’m putting the blame on him again which it isn’t. I don’t think I will ever be able to figure this out entirely without talking to him. I really want to know how he feels about every and he thinks.

 

I've read a bit of this thread and this unraveling is interesting. But I disagree it would put blame on him. If counselor's explanation is ture, a lot of the blame would have to be put on you for not dealing with it properly and letting it fester until payback happened.

 

Which makes it plain to see, why reconciliation after cheating is not an easy task, ever.

Edited December 16, 2013 by FrankieFrank

[jm2013]

I read your thread through and it was interesting to get a different side of the story from somebody who's cheated on their spouse. Do you think you would have told your husband about the affair if he didn't catch you? My wife started an EA with another man that led to it being physical. I didn't find out until I found the phone records which got me hot on her tracks. When I discovered the phone records she still kept denying any affair until I had her expose herself but had to lie doing so.

 

With that being said, our situations sound similar. When I found out my wife had an affair I was said, angry and just an emotional wreck. I couldn't process why my wife did this and self destructed her marriage and cheated our daughter out of having both parents around through her child hood.

 

I didn't understand the whole sex thing either until I started reading it on here. My wife continues to make advances on me daily. When I first found out I think a night or two or that night we did end up having sex. Not sure why I even consented to this.

 

It was more like I wanted to show my wife WHAT she had next to her that whole time. I made sure the sex was fantastic so it made her realize that. I felt torn down as a man. And as for me, I felt like your husband. She wanted to cuddle and still does but I do not like or want to do that right now.

 

I have not told my wife I loved her since I found out. I have though told her I cannot be with her in marriage. It's like I'm floating in limbo cause all she keeps telling me is she's going to fight for our marriage even if it kills her. But the difference between you and her is it sounds like you've actually taken steps to show you are serious about trying to R. My wife continued with lies and deception and always had a story of WHY she was continuing to maintain some sort of contact with the OM.

 

Maybe some of the people are right. Maybe if your divorce is finalized he'll end up coming back to you. Maybe it's his own way of ending the marriage and what has happened to it and yet coming back to you down the road and starting things off afresh. And maybe you'll both start dating and finding each other again and ultimately be together down the road.

 

I have asked myself if I could do that with my wife and forgive her but I cannot do it. The pain haunts me daily thinking about my wife with the OM. Stupid things trigger it as well. It's like I'm torturing myself daily over this. Anyways, thanks for posting and I really do hope the best for both you and your husband.

Edited December 16, 2013 by jm2013

[Sofie2013]

Sofie - this might be very valid.

 

 

I know my husband had an affair after mine and we have discussed whether it was revenge or not - I think in some ways it was. I guess in some ways it put us on an "even" playing field, but in other ways it really impeded any progress we were making in recovery. Although I think he felt somewhat "justified" in it, I think he would tell you it wasn't worth how it made him feel about himself as a man.

 

 

If I were you I would take your counselor's lead and explore this more. This might be the root of the issue.

 

I know his past cheating did make me safer that he wouldn’t leave me if the affair ever came to light. He would always give me a second chance. As for revenge I don’t know. The WS for the most part always ends up worse in the longer run. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, the guilty is unbelievable. Having an affair is never the answer is just lead to so many more problems

 

 

My counselor and I have been talking about this for a while now and I guess I will continue it could lead to something

[atreides]

I know his past cheating did make me safer that he wouldn’t leave me if the affair ever came to light. He would always give me a second chance. As for revenge I don’t know. The WS for the most part always ends up worse in the longer run. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, the guilty is unbelievable. Having an affair is never the answer is just lead to so many more problems

 

 

My counselor and I have been talking about this for a while now and I guess I will continue it could lead to something

 

This exact thing has been discussed on either this or your other thread, and what your H did when he was not your H to me is not and never will be the same or even something that would require revenge.

 

I think the counselor is wrong. Make them earn their money

[katielee]

. But I disagree it would put blame on him. If counselor's explanation is ture, a lot of the blame would have to be put on you for not dealing with it properly and letting it fester until payback happened.

 

Which makes it plain to see, why reconciliation after cheating is not an easy task, ever.

 

I havent' posted in a while, because it seems like half my time is spent defending my position of being a mad hatter and cheating first and some thinking i deserved what happened.

 

But this was posed perfectly. Every betrayal has to be dealt with properly. It's my job to heal from what my husband did. I have no right to act out. I understand things happen subconsiously and maybe that's what you did, Sofie. yet still, something big as cheating ppl should know it will affect them. I told my husband, when your wife cheats on you and then gets raped perhaps you should - I don't know - leave for Africa for a month or at least not go to work the next day? I know it's painful, but the consequences of NOT dealing with it - catastrophic.

 

Sofie - you may have to start at the beginning... and heal yourself as both a BS and a WS... if you do this, knowing you have no idea what the outcome will be with your husband, at least you'll be healthy no matter what.

 

good luck!

[Fluttershy]

This exact thing has been discussed on either this or your other thread, and what your H did when he was not your H to me is not and never will be the same or even something that would require revenge.

 

I think the counselor is wrong. Make them earn their money

 

I disagree. Cheating is cheating whether you are married or not. When one commits to an exclusive relationship but seeks sex elsewhere they are betraying their word. A marriage contract doesn't change that or the scope of the pain a betrayed person feels.

[violet1]

I disagree. Cheating is cheating whether you are married or not. When one commits to an exclusive relationship but seeks sex elsewhere they are betraying their word. A marriage contract doesn't change that or the scope of the pain a betrayed person feels.

 

I agree! My H cheated on me when we were living together less than a year before we got married. EVERYONE told me it wasn't a big deal because we were not married yet. I forgave him, but like Sofie, we didn't really deal with it. I struggled because it was still very painful, but any time I tried to get support from my H or friends they basically said, " just get over it. It's not like you were married." I also received a lot of hate from my family for forgiving him. It was wrong of me, but I did justify my cheating almost a decade later because of his cheating. It's disgusting and wrong, but I actually thought to myself, he had his fun on my expense so why can't I. I didn't respond on this thread or her other one because I would get so angry when people told Sofie that her H's cheating wasn't the same. Cheating is cheating whether you're married or not.

 

If I remember correctly, weren't the two of you living together when he cheated, Sofie? BTW, I'm not saying that our husband's choice to cheat prior to marriage gave either of us entitlement to cheat, it didn't. I do however, understand how you feel. I do think your therapist is onto something.

Edited December 16, 2013 by violet1

[atreides]

I agree! My H cheated on me when we were living together less than a year before we got married. EVERYONE told me it wasn't a big deal because we were not married yet. I forgave him, but like Sofie, we didn't really deal with it. I struggled because it was still very painful, but any time I tried to get support from my H or friends they basically said, " just get over it. It's not like you were married." I also received a lot of hate from my family for forgiving him. It was wrong of me, but I did justify my cheating almost a decade later because of his cheating. It's disgusting and wrong, but I actually thought to myself, he had his fun on my expense so why can't I. I didn't respond on this thread or her other one because I would get so angry when people told Sofie that her H's cheating wasn't the same. Cheating is cheating whether you're married or not.

 

If I remember correctly, weren't the two of you living together when he cheated, Sofie? BTW, I'm not saying that our husband's choice to cheat prior to marriage gave either of us entitlement to cheat, it didn't. I do however, understand how you feel. I do think your therapist is onto something.

 

I disagree. Cheating is cheating whether you are married or not. When one commits to an exclusive relationship but seeks sex elsewhere they are betraying their word. A marriage contract doesn't change that or the scope of the pain a betrayed person feels.

 

 

Sophie herself stated the situation, they were apart via schooling or the like and did not have anything formal other than roomies off and on if i recall correctly. Sophie also defended her H's position and wanted to move on from the point. She had other reasons for cheating that she herself has found out here on LS. You can see it as her writing has shown her change. She is one of my LS heros for how she has changed.

 

It is tragic that so many see marriage as a contract, very sad. A marriage and the engagement before is very important to the psyche and stages of ones commitment. Whether the law likes to get involved or not is irrelevant. Symbols are important, they mark what are emotions are ready to do. That is why we date and court, it is the point before we decide to make a commitment and is the time our psyche is in "discovery" and "exploration."

 

I can only in my opinion allow exceptions for cultures that do not use M or if a formal agreement of permanent dedication and sharing is made. It was not in this case. Both "got married" which means they follow the traditional model. I do have a friend that does not believe in M but made his own commitment to his current spouse. They both mutually agreed to this.

 

I cannot agree that what her H did while not her H and as informal as it was described is anywhere the same.

 

Her counselor is way off and taking her money likely in my opinion as she puts suggestion into Sophie. "You can't deny your feelings" blah blah

"Don't you feel you were hurt by his actions?"

I know i am coming of crass, but all too often that road is traveled because counselors love templates. I know, I program for many of them.

 

Sophie, you found a lot of yourself here and have earned the respect of so many. There are good and bad counselors and i think they need to dig deeper or just listen to you, why not give them suggestion and tell them the same defense you did here? You have in many regards revealed your reasons for cheating here in LS over two very large threads... actually 3 i think.

 

Where your counselor is headed with this specific line of thinking and I will admit my assumption as to where that road will lead will not help with R in my opinion and can come off as even worse to your H.

Edited December 16, 2013 by atreides

[atreides]

I know his past cheating did make me safer that he wouldn’t leave me if the affair ever came to light. He would always give me a second chance. As for revenge I don’t know. The WS for the most part always ends up worse in the longer run. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, the guilty is unbelievable. Having an affair is never the answer is just lead to so many more problems

 

 

My counselor and I have been talking about this for a while now and I guess I will continue it could lead to something

 

As a few other WSs on LS have said, sometimes it is just as simple as sexual exploration and the feeling of being appreciated when you are not or feel you are not at home. I agree with those WSs on LS that say paraphrasing "we try to look for more reasons when there are none. or that simple greed and lust is not enough reason for most"

 

As i said above in my post, you are one the LS heros for how you have changed and the work you are putting in to win your H back. All the best and I hope your Christmas is even better than your Thanksgiving.

 

cheers to you.

[Chi townD]

I have been wanting to post this for a while but I haven’t been brave enough I don’t know how you guys would react but I want to know what you guys think.

 

As you guys know I have been going to IC for a few months now. For the last few sessions I have had my counselor has started to share why she I thinks I had an affair. My counselor believes one of the main reason I had my affair was to get back at my husband for cheating on me when we were dating. She believes we never actually worked on the issue and now years later they have come back. The fact that we pretty much rug swept the infidelity the first time around. She feels we both like running away from our problems instead of facing them. My counselor also believes I have deep routed resentment towards my husband because the way people reacted when I took him back and the affair I was a former of payback.

 

 

I don’t know how a feel about of it yet. Like it makes sense to me but the again it makes it seems like I’m putting the blame on him again which it isn’t. I don’t think I will ever be able to figure this out entirely without talking to him. I really want to know how he feels about every and he thinks.

 

 

Meh.....could be the REASON, but it certainly isn't a justification. It all boils down to choices. YOU made the choice to cheat. Just like it was your choice to forgive him for the past.

 

Don't lose sight of that.

 

Glad to hear that you guys are on really friendly terms. Has the holidays come up in conversation?

[Sofie2013]

I've read a bit of this thread and this unraveling is interesting. But I disagree it would put blame on him. If counselor's explanation is ture, a lot of the blame would have to be put on you for not dealing with it properly and letting it fester until payback happened.

 

Which makes it plain to see, why reconciliation after cheating is not an easy task, ever.

 

 

Well my counselor made clear that if I agreed with her theory that I wasn’t shifting the blame towards him. It just add the another reason WHY I let the affair happen.

 

My counselor does think we could be able to reconcile. Although she doesn’t believe our marriage would have lasted way we were headed.

[tiredofitall2]

 

My counselor does think we could be able to reconcile. Although she doesn’t believe our marriage would have lasted way we were headed.

 

Sometimes it takes unfortunate situations like this one to rebuild. The key is using new materials and not old one to build the new marriage. You wouldn't use old materials to build a new house. So see it for what it is. Your old marriage is dead. You can create a new marriage with the same two people. Just take care of the old issues first.

[Sofie2013]

I don't think I agree with your counsellor. Because I believe in their hearts people know if their act is revenge or at least feel it might be. Counsellors can tend to plant false memories and feelings if they aren't careful whih is why I feel counsellin should be done with caution and being very selective. Examine your feelings and if you know it was just greed on your part then tell her no you don't feel it was about revenge. If she pushes it get a new counsellor.

 

I do think your husband's affair made you feel more comfortable having one pf your own. You forgave him so IF you were caught he'd forgive you. That is a very normal rationalization. But that doesn't mean you did the affair to get back at him. It just means you felt "safer" conducting one.

 

Someomes people look for a deep why when there is none.

 

 

I’m not 100% sold on the idea either. It makes sense to me and it fits. My counselor could be making feel a current way. That why I wanted to see how everybody here felt about it and thought. You guys have great when it comes to giving advice.

 

Yeah I did think since I cheated he would be a lot more forgiving and wouldn’t leave without trying to fix it first.

[Sofie2013]

Thanks again for advice. I have co-parenting counseling with my husband tomorrow. After that I hopeful will be able to talk her more about this. After reading all the reply’s I have a few questions I want ask my counselor.

[Zenstudent]

While infidelity wasn't even on my radar pre-affair, I could nevertheless see myself cheat on my fWS in the future. Not out of revenge, but because she has demonstrated how little she thinks of the things we had together - it's all for sale in exchange for a little fun in the hay with a different dude. Why protect something that isn't valued?

 

I don't believe I'm that kind of man though, so I don't think it'll happen, but I understand the logic as well as the feeling of insignificance.

 

Revenge - no. Lower/weaker boundaries? I guess that's possible.

[Sofie2013]

OMG he asked me out.

 

Ok so I went to counseling with hubby. We had somewhat of a short session. He left before I did. I stayed and talked to my counselor for rest of the hour. Theirs was only about 15 minutes left in the session. I walked out and found him waiting outside. He asked if I wanted to go have lunch with him. So we went to a local restaurant had a little lunch and we walked back to his office. No are way to his office he asked if I wanted to go to his firms Xmas party/dinner which of course I said yes. It’s this Friday and I can’t wait. It is kind of weird since I came out of nowhere but it’s more than ok with me

[Clay]

That is great. I am very happy for you. You deserve to be happy. You have done all the right things and He is starting to see it.

 

Clay

[Raven3321]

OMG he asked me out.

 

Ok so I went to counseling with hubby. We had somewhat of a short session. He left before I did. I stayed and talked to my counselor for rest of the hour. Theirs was only about 15 minutes left in the session. I walked out and found him waiting outside. He asked if I wanted to go have lunch with him. So we went to a local restaurant had a little lunch and we walked back to his office. No are way to his office he asked if I wanted to go to his firms Xmas party/dinner which of course I said yes. It’s this Friday and I can’t wait. It is kind of weird since I came out of nowhere but it’s more than ok with me

Yeeeaaahhh!!! I needed good news today and this makes my heart glad. I know it's a small thing, but I'm very happy for you. Still praying for you two and for a job for you. Hang in there. God is on your side.