Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[aliveagain]

I have written him two letters. The first one I give him was late September. It was to apologize and show how sorry I was. At the time he knew about the affair but hadn’t confronted me yet. He also wasn’t talking to me yet so I used the letter as a way to communicate with him. The last one I send was when he was moving out it was similar to the first one but a lot more begging and pleading. Both letters were done by hand. I don’t know if written him another would do anything at this point I do have a journal I stared writing in I might give it to him someday don’t know yet.

 

I tried the subtle flirting for a while and it worked. He has always responded well for the most part. I’m going to go the direct route right now and see what happen. He knows I want him so why be around the bush about. I don’t think it would be manipulative if I’m genuine.

 

Nothing makes a grown man feel more special than having a beautiful woman chase him down, be relentless, put a collar around our neck and give him the leash.

[miguelcervantes]

I have written him two letters. The first one I give him was late September. It was to apologize and show how sorry I was. At the time he knew about the affair but hadn’t confronted me yet. He also wasn’t talking to me yet so I used the letter as a way to communicate with him. The last one I send was when he was moving out it was similar to the first one but a lot more begging and pleading. Both letters were done by hand. I don’t know if written him another would do anything at this point I do have a journal I stared writing in I might give it to him someday don’t know yet.

 

I tried the subtle flirting for a while and it worked. He has always responded well for the most part. I’m going to go the direct route right now and see what happen. He knows I want him so why be around the bush about. I don’t think it would be manipulative if I’m genuine.

 

Sophie, I keep reading your thread updates and am encouraged by the progress so far. As others have told you, your husband is probably struggling with two points:

 

1. why you did it; and

2. the impact it has had on his ego/masculinity/confidence/jealousy etc.

 

I think that we all agree that he loves you (not just a little but a lot) and that you love him too (very much). Also that he is attracted to you and that you are to him.

 

So now onto dealing with his two issues.

 

With point 1, I think you are working on this with counsellors and this is the question that every one struggles with especially when the reasons might be quite basic in which case the forgiving is the sticky point. This is what will make or break this in my opinion.

 

With point 2, this is where your flirting and ego massaging needs to come in. I think you just going for it is a good thing. Especially since it is honest and genuine. I don't think it would be manipulative and no, you should not beat around the bush - knock the crap out of the bush directly!

 

I really hope this works out well and will help him with his second issue and also will help you in your struggle to recover from this. If it works, it will help you both to focus on and deal with issue 1. Buena suerte or in my ancestral language, Boa sorte!

[Chi townD]

Wow, this is weird saying this about a guy. Normally, I'm writing this to a guy about a girl but; normally, I would say to a guy that you can try. But, the first time she says "no" or there's hesitation on her part, then stop. Same goes for you.

 

You can try, but if he says "no" then respect his boundaries immediately. The last thing you want to happen is for him to be uncomfortable around you.

 

Miguel above me brings up a good point, you need to start to stroke his ego. Start saying to him when he picks up the kids, "Wow, you look great in that shirt! Damn..." Do the things that guys know when a girl is flirting with them. Playing with your hair, smiling and laughing, shooting him subtle bedroom eyes at him, let him catch you staring at him and look away embarrassed...blah...blah...

 

Let him know you are interested. Right now, he knows that you two are able to co-parent together, so that's out of the way. Might be time to "up your game" a little.

Edited January 13, 2014 by Chi townD

[BetrayedH]

Nothing makes a grown man feel more special than having a beautiful woman chase him down, be relentless, put a collar around our neck and give him the leash.

 

Doing it literally might be a heck of an approach. HB anyone?

[Sofie2013]

Sophie, I keep reading your thread updates and am encouraged by the progress so far. As others have told you, your husband is probably struggling with two points:

 

1. why you did it; and

2. the impact it has had on his ego/masculinity/confidence/jealousy etc.

 

I think that we all agree that he loves you (not just a little but a lot) and that you love him too (very much). Also that he is attracted to you and that you are to him.

 

So now onto dealing with his two issues.

 

With point 1, I think you are working on this with counsellors and this is the question that every one struggles with especially when the reasons might be quite basic in which case the forgiving is the sticky point. This is what will make or break this in my opinion.

 

With point 2, this is where your flirting and ego massaging needs to come in. I think you just going for it is a good thing. Especially since it is honest and genuine. I don't think it would be manipulative and no, you should not beat around the bush - knock the crap out of the bush directly!

 

I really hope this works out well and will help him with his second issue and also will help you in your struggle to recover from this. If it works, it will help you both to focus on and deal with issue 1. Buena suerte or in my ancestral language, Boa sorte!

 

 

1.The reason why was I was acting stupid and very selfish. That’s really what it comes down too. All the other issues I mentioned are what lead to a weak marriage and things like affairs possible. At the end of the day I still had a choice and I choose to have an affair.

 

2.I’m going to help him try to regain and build his confidence and ego but to be honest he doing pretty good job of that himself. I know he’s been going to the gym or started playing soccer again because I can see the results and he has a lot of new clothes. The new clothes does worrier me a bit.

 

I know I love him and I think deep down he still loves me. I just have to make him realize it.

[peruano99]

Do you think he has been intimate with another girl while you two were not living together?

[miguelcervantes]

1.The reason why was I was acting stupid and very selfish. That’s really what it comes down too. All the other issues I mentioned are what lead to a weak marriage and things like affairs possible. At the end of the day I still had a choice and I choose to have an affair.

 

2.I’m going to help him try to regain and build his confidence and ego but to be honest he doing pretty good job of that himself. I know he’s been going to the gym or started playing soccer again because I can see the results and he has a lot of new clothes. The new clothes does worrier me a bit.

 

I know I love him and I think deep down he still loves me. I just have to make him realize it.

 

OK even better - you know and own why you did it. This is why you have an even stronger chance of succeeding (no guarantees in this situation as you understand).

 

On the subject of his ego, believe me nothing will be as valuable as you going out of your way to want and desire him, and let him know that in no uncertain terms. Sure he can make himself more attractive and other women will hit on him to boost his ego, but all of this will not come close to him wanting you to do this. You are, after all the one that he wanted and probably still wants - so do not underestimate your ability to make him feel a thousand times better than any other woman hitting on him.

 

Keep going and blow his mind!

[miguelcervantes]

Oh and he plays football! Excellent!

[georgyboy]

Really No

 

No, I would hope not. He is still married to Sofie.

 

Two wrongs do not make a right.

 

Good luck Sofie - still hoping for the best

[FallingLeaves]

Reallyno-

 

Just curious...but why do you hope he goes and fools around with other women? What would that help?

[miguelcervantes]

He already cheated once! Do you think 3 wrongs now will make a right? Twisted reasoning! I hope he falls in love with her all over again and this time they both are much stronger in their relationship!

[bwright42tx]

Yes I know that and she would have been in her full right to retaliate when she found out. She decided to forgive and move forward, married the man and had a family with him and then she decided it was time for her to have her fun...

 

By the way, how would be wrong if he would have sex with other women after he divorces Sophie? I don't understand your 3 wrongs theory as I don't see how it would be wrong for her husband to do whatever he feels like doing after he is not longer married to OP.

 

If he KNOWS, or SUSPECTS he truly loves Sophie and wants to forgive her and move on, I can only imagine the guilt he would carry with him back into their relationship if he did this, regardless of if the divorce were final or not.

 

If he honestly isn't sure, and wants to test the waters before making a decision that's another matter.

[Sofie2013]

Oh and he plays football! Excellent!

 

He was actually really good too. In high he went to states twice and won it once. Both times was with his brother. It’s also the main reason he why he was able to attend the same school as me. He stopped playing after his senior year college due to a hip surgery.

[Sofie2013]

Well if my husband wants to test the water or whatever you want to call it I would rather he didn’t because I really don’t want to hear or see him with anyone else. It really won’t change my stance I would still try to win him back.

[aliveagain]

It's all about saving face and off setting the imbalance created by your affair, speaking to the other man while you and he were in bed together had to kill him. I would have had a very hard time overcoming the need to call you while your were in the act of infidelity, the O/M talked to him after having sex with you, do you know how hard that would be to have to endure? F**K, the fact he is still talking to you amazes me, you didn't confess after he caught you. If you were him, how would you have handled it?

[road]

It's all about saving face and off setting the imbalance created by your affair, speaking to the other man while you and he were in bed together had to kill him. I would have had a very hard time overcoming the need to call you while your were in the act of infidelity, the O/M talked to him after having sex with you, do you know how hard that would be to have to endure? F**K, the fact he is still talking to you amazes me, you didn't confess after he caught you. If you were him, how would you have handled it?

 

 

 

I think the time for this was 40 pages ago. Maybe 38,39. The horse is dead. Does beating dead horses make you feel studly?

[miguelcervantes]

He was actually really good too. In high he went to states twice and won it once. Both times was with his brother. It’s also the main reason he why he was able to attend the same school as me. He stopped playing after his senior year college due to a hip surgery.

 

That's a shame that he had to stop because of injury. I love the sport (for some of us it is in our blood ), even though I am now too old to do what I used to. I also love the way the latin Americans play - I have strong connections with Brazil but the way that Argentinians play is truly passionate too (that Spanish/Italian and local mix!)

 

Maybe he should help coach youngsters now - infuse them with the passion.

[Sofie2013]

It's all about saving face and off setting the imbalance created by your affair, speaking to the other man while you and he were in bed together had to kill him. I would have had a very hard time overcoming the need to call you while your were in the act of infidelity, the O/M talked to him after having sex with you, do you know how hard that would be to have to endure? F**K, the fact he is still talking to you amazes me, you didn't confess after he caught you. If you were him, how would you have handled it?

 

 

I know the way he found out was one of the worst possible ways. Something that bothers me is why he didn’t say something to me or confront me he already had proof, whatever his reason where it doesn’t change anything. I know it has to be killing him inside and the fact I waited almost month to come clean didn’t help me either. I was scared about how he would react and the last thing I wanted to do was push him away. I will be the first one to say how surprised I’m by the way he acting. It’s totally different from the way I thought he would act.

[fallingdown2013]

I know the way he found out was one of the worst possible ways. Something that bothers me is why he didn’t say something to me or confront me he already had proof, whatever his reason where it doesn’t change anything. I know it has to be killing him inside and the fact I waited almost month to come clean didn’t help me either. I was scared about how he would react and the last thing I wanted to do was push him away. I will be the first one to say how surprised I’m by the way he acting. It’s totally different from the way I thought he would act.

 

Not everyone acts on their emotions and confronts people when they're upset. Your husband may have decided to end the marriage after reviewing the report from the private investigator. The phone call to the hotel may not have affected the outcome. Anyway, there's no point in speculating about it. Also, it doesn't sound like you truly took Lokahi117's advice to heart. It's not enough to just dance with your husband at an New Year's Eve party. You have to find a way to initiate sex with him, or at least try.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I know the way he found out was one of the worst possible ways. Something that bothers me is why he didn’t say something to me or confront me he already had proof, whatever his reason where it doesn’t change anything. I know it has to be killing him inside and the fact I waited almost month to come clean didn’t help me either. I was scared about how he would react and the last thing I wanted to do was push him away. I will be the first one to say how surprised I’m by the way he acting. It’s totally different from the way I thought he would act.

 

Having been in that position before... It's impossible to explain. Not everyone wants to immediately confront an issue they can't solve with raw emotion. It feels better at times to process first before doing something hasty.

[Just_AGuy]

It reminds me of smoking habbit that I had. Should I have another cigarette? Sure. Because I already had one before so this one is not evil but the first one was evil, but I can't change anything because I already smoked the first one. Did I plan my first cigarette? I don't think so. Oh I don't even remember. Therefore I keep smoking unless something hits me in the head.

Hey how sex "just happens" ? Sorry I can count my women on my fingers, maybe just my lack of variety/experience. Still it's funny you wake up and see that you having sex somehow with someone. For me sex is kinda big event that I can't miss and that doesn't "just happen".

[road]

It's all about saving face and off setting the imbalance created by your affair, speaking to the other man while you and he were in bed together had to kill him. I would have had a very hard time overcoming the need to call you while your were in the act of infidelity, the O/M talked to him after having sex with you, do you know how hard that would be to have to endure? F**K, the fact he is still talking to you amazes me, you didn't confess after he caught you. If you were him, how would you have handled it?

 

 

 

 

 

This has been explained 40 pages ago. Explained at least once per page. This is beating a dead horse.

 

 

 

Don't think anyone is beating dead horses here, I think the guy you quoted is trying to explain how devastating for her husband the whole thing was. I understand that she knows that he has suffer a lot but I don't think any woman realize how this is for a man (likewise the other way around). There are things that are specially bad for women infidelity (like doing things with the OM that they didn't do with their husband, comparing sizes or having to talk to the OM to be able to contact your wife...).

 

 

 

 

I can only think of sarcastic things so I will not respond.

 

 

I think we all see and realize Sophie remorse and commitment to regain her husband trust/love but that doesn't erase what she did and since she seems not to know why she did it I don't see how she would be able to recognize the symptoms and avoid doing the same again.

 

 

 

 

 

Your last paragraph has nothing to do with the post that I quoted and commented on. Inserting a bit of truth does not make the nonsense that you wrote above that true.

 

He is not helping her with advice. He is kicking her down every chance he can get.

 

His help is warped. You think what he is offering is help then your thinking is just as warped.

[road]

I guess you have the one and only way to give advise and since your opinion and advice is not warped everyone who disagrees or take another approach is wrong, isn't it?

 

I always lol to this kind of "illuminated" people who seem to believe their choices and advice are the only valid :lmao:

 

 

 

 

 

Finally someone smart enough, though just barely, to recognize my genius.

[peruano99]

Hey Sophie can you speak or understand spanish? Since you said your husband is Hispanic.

[Sofie2013]

. Also, it doesn't sound like you truly took Lokahi117's advice to heart. It's not enough to just dance with your husband at an New Year's Eve party. You have to find a way to initiate sex with him, or at least try.

 

I did take Lokahi117. My husband could have had it all that night he just chose not to. I made clear to him to him but I was already tipsy and my husband probably thought I wasn’t being serious. Instead husband took me home put me to bed and told he would talk me in the morning which he did. It was really sweet of him to do it and it made feel good that he was still willing to take care of me in some way.