Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Lokahi117]

Update

 

Well last was amazing. I really don’t know how else it was simple amazing for me. We all eat dinner together as a family. After diner we went into the living room and played few video and board games. The twins were a little more hyper usual. A. ll of us had a good time.

 

After we put the kids to sleep I hinted and made clear pass towards him he didn’t give in. He went in to the guest room (where he’s sleeping). I we both went to sleep in different room. I was going call it a night but I decided to go to his room. Long story short we had sex last night and early in the morning. It was extremely passionate, intimate and he was very dominate. So it was a great night. I woke up before him and made us a light breakfast just Spanish hot chocolate and sweet bread. We eat it together in his room. Everything was great I really couldn’t ask for a better night. He although become a little more distant later in the day. I don’t really know why. It wasn’t like he was angry and mad since he did stay for most of the day spent with me and the kids. He even give me a kiss before he left. Besides that’s everything went great.

 

 

I was so excited by this that I actually exclaimed out loud.

 

This was executed perfectly by you miss Sophie. You went into his room. That's what most men really want. It's not a change in the dynamic for the man to be pursued for sex so long as it's done in a submissive way. If you go to him and let him know you need to have him......but will submit to him lovingly that is the perfect scenario. Men like that because it reinforces the idea that our lady has to have us....not would like us....not would play hard to get....but has an insatiable desire and need for to have us fulfill her sexually.

 

As far as his behavior the next day. He is confused. He is now given pause to his henceforth sure plan of action....divorce. He now is confronted with the reality that good things can still be had with you. But....in his eyes.....your tainted. You chose to pursue and give yourself to another man sexually. So he is torn by his desire to be with you in all ways.....and his male identity to leave you for having forsaken him. You made him second choice (in his mind) and risked your whole life and your children's lives for sex with this other man. This makes him feel sexually inadequate, because you were willing to risk so much just to have this other man.

 

See a pattern here? It has a lot to do with male ego. He feels like the other man was so desired by you that you were willing to discard him just for the experience of being with the other man. Look at all you risked because your desire to have the other man sexually (from your husbands primal standpoint). You must now demonstrate that willingness times ten to pursue your husband sexually. Let him know how you lie awake at night in your bed, with a deep and growing desire to have him.....how each night you need and want him so badly you can't sleep. Whispered in his ear, especially near nighttime or a time when kids are almost ready for bed, will go along way.

 

I agree that sex is not a guarantee for reconciliation but I still believe that you have a far better chance for it, by taking the hard pursuit sexually line. And since I am a bh whom this is currently keeping me from committing to any of my other ladies, Id say I do know a thing or two about the exact method at hand.

 

Awesome job Sophie.

[Grumpybutfun]

How are your children doing and are they seeming confused by their father coming and going and staying and leaving?

G

[miguelcervantes]

Well done Sophie and very well explained by Lokahi as he (it seems) and I have been where your husband is now.

 

In my case my wife wooed me back and restored my self esteem as only she could. Her weakness was just that - a weakness which she has more than repaired over time. This is why I can sense the love there but it is going to take hard work, ownership of your actions, and as you know, there is never a guarantee of reconciliation - a man's ego is as complex as a woman's mind.

[tiredofitall2]

The sex is NOT about tactics or manipulation. It's about restoration. It's about restoring his ego, confidence and self esteem. It's about feeling wanted by his W and reconnecting the link that had been severed. Men do connect emotionally with sex too.

[Chi townD]

I kind of agree, sex for men isn't as emotionally connective as it is for women. Although, I do think that her husband felt something. Especially when he asserted a dominate role in bed. He could have been frustrated and his mind was visiting places while in the middle of it. The way Sophie talked it was like that intimate time went from being passionate, to intimate, to dominating, to maybe a point of seeking solace.

 

So, it seems that, a lot of conflicting feelings where projected physically. If he seemed distant the next day is because he probably promised himself that he would never allow himself to be placed in that position. And when it happened, he went against his own promise. So, he could have been mad at himself.

 

HOWEVER! I believe that you need to take this last "incident" for what it was. Another way to communicate with him. Nothing more than that. Tell yourself that you didn't make love to him, you just communicated differently with him. Put your feelings aside and the most important thing you need to do is subtly convince him that what happened wasn't wrong. That it wasn't bad. Talk to him like nothing happened. Don't put pressure on him. Just like everything else, you need to make him feel comfortable about what happened. Don't make it seem that; just because he slept with you, you are forgiven. Because, you're not.

 

Gage him. Feel him out. And if the opportunity comes around again and he's game? Well, that for you to decide.

 

Also, I'm kind of curious. Did he KISS you, kiss you at the door? Or was it just a peck?

[BeholdtheMan]

I think their are a lot of manipulation tactics being used by Sofie (Kids, sex, etc etc) and I think they could back fire on her. Hope I am wrong.

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees Sofie's behaviour as manipulative and borderline disrespectful of her husband's desire for space. Why not let the guy decide whether he really wants to stay instead of trying to cloud his judgement with sexual advances?

[Chi townD]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees Sofie's behaviour as manipulative and borderline disrespectful of her husband's desire for space. Why not let the guy decide whether he really wants to stay instead of trying to cloud his judgement with sexual advances?

 

I don't agree. If you read through this entire thread, everytime she asked him if he would like to stay for dinner, or come over for the holidays or stay a little longer to watch a movie with her and the kids; all she ever did was extended an invite. I don't see that as manipulative. He could have easily turned her down and people have been saying to her time and time again to respect his boundaries. So, if he says no, then it's a no.

 

Case in point, she flirted with him on NYE, he didn't reciprocate and she didn't push the issue. This time she flirted and "things" happened. The ball has ALWAYS been in his court.

[Trimmer]

I don't agree. If you read through this entire thread, everytime she asked him if he would like to stay for dinner, or come over for the holidays or stay a little longer to watch a movie with her and the kids; all she ever did was extended an invite. I don't see that as manipulative. He could have easily turned her down and people have been saying to her time and time again to respect his boundaries. So, if he says no, then it's a no.

 

Case in point, she flirted with him on NYE, he didn't reciprocate and she didn't push the issue. This time she flirted and "things" happened. The ball has ALWAYS been in his court.

The other point is that I believe (not going to go back and review all 800 posts, but this is my recollection...) that Sophie has been upfront with her husband about her intentions and her own hopes in all of this. Along with her making overtures and accepting and backing off if he declines, and then giving him space, doesn't it kinda take the "manipulation" out of it if her agenda is intentionally right out there in the open?

 

Is it the case that any time we honestly offer to a partner, here's what I want, and here's what I'm willing to do for it..., it is labelled "manipulation"?

[BeholdtheMan]

I don't agree. If you read through this entire thread, everytime she asked him if he would like to stay for dinner, or come over for the holidays or stay a little longer to watch a movie with her and the kids; all she ever did was extended an invite. I don't see that as manipulative. He could have easily turned her down and people have been saying to her time and time again to respect his boundaries. So, if he says no, then it's a no.

 

Either way, her husband has weak willpower

[Trimmer]

Either way, her husband has weak willpower

He's not responding the way you think he should, so therefore the conclusion is that he's flawed?

[janedoe67]

Either way, her husband has weak willpower

 

Maybe he's just different from you. And believe it or not...that IS okay.

[Chi townD]

 

 

 

Her cheating and putting her family at risk was the actions of a selfish person. To make up what she did I think she she be showing him in actions just how sorry she is. Is convincing him to stay the night and then following the guy into his room showing him remorse? Or was this gesture purely in her own interest? I don't agree with the tactics she is using as they are more about her then him.

 

 

With this, I don't disagree with you at all.

 

What Sophie did was selfish and hurtful and she paying the price for it. I've said it before on here and I'll say it again. I normally, will not help cheater unless I feel that they are truly remorseful for what they have done. I believe that Sophie IS remorseful and she put up with a LOT of crap in the beginning of this thread. Yet, she stuck it out because she 1. felt she deserved to be beaten up a little and 2. Because she made a massive mistake and feels that her marriage is worth fighting for. So, she motivated herself to endure the flogging she got here just to get to folks that may give her advice on how to fix this.

 

Now, her husband has moved out. Yeah, I agree her tactics ARE SELFISH! But, they need to be a little or else how is she supposed to show a man that she's truly remorseful if he's not there? So, yeah....they're a little selfishly motivated, but don't you have to be in order to fight?

 

Two teams are going into the Superbowl, don't you think that they are selfishly motivated to fight and win so they can raise that trophy for themselves?

 

Now, I'm not blind. If these gestures of having him spend a little more time around the house was met with a lot of "no thanks" from him, I would be the first to tell Sophie, "Girl, he's done. This is what you need to be doing to move on with your life. He's not coming back."

 

But, I'm not seeing that with him. There's something still there. It might be small and fading, but it's still there. I'm not trying to fill Sophie up with false hope, Because I do agree with you. This is probably going to end in a divorce and I've said that many times. But, it doesn't mean that, that's the end. There are countless stories of Ex's divorcing and then....they start dating again and end up remarried. It's not unheard of.

 

So, to summarize, yeah, she's being a little selfish to keep him around so she can show him her actions and her remorse. Yet, also respecting his boundaries when he establishes them. So, she went to him in his room. If he would have said "no, and you need to leave." I HAVE NO DOUBT that Sophie would have done just that and then apologize in the morning to him.

[Fluttershy]

Everybody is selfish. It is selfish of her husband not to give her a second chance. But it is his choice and he can selfishly make his own choices. Even "selfless" actions are backed by "selfish" motives.

 

Where selfishness gets you in trouble is when it is at the expense of someone else like cheating. Her trying to win him back is not the same as lying, sneaking around, giving half truths. Sophie isn't twisting her BH arm behind his back. And I really haven't seen her say or use the kids to get him back. Building a good co-parenting relationship is not wrong.

[drifter777]

Getting him to do you is certainly not a bad sign, but it doesn't necessarily mean a thing. It's hard for a guy to pass up no-strings sex. When he's horny and you make yourself readily available by coming in to the room where he's sleeping, he is going to take you up on it more often then not.

 

If you are right about him changing his mood the next day to cold and distant it might be his way of telling you what his boundary is right now. He'll co-parent with you, he'll screw you from time-to-time, but he won't be your husband. This could change over time and I don't think you have a better way to chip away at his resolve against you then to use sex. It's a woman's ultimate weapon so keep using it.

 

Is your divorce final yet?

[sidney2718]

Don't we often say to folks: you can only fix yourself, you can't fix the other person? If we believe that, then we can't say that folks are being selfish when they try to fix themselves.

 

What I think Sophie is trying to do (if she will excuse me for speaking for her) is to show her husband that she is still there for him, that she wants him, and is willing to fight for him. In addition I'm sure she enjoyed it and it lifted her spirits a bit.

 

So, no, I don't think this is selfish behavior in the usual meaning of the term.

[violet1]

We can agree to disagree. IMO everything Sophie is doing is for HER benefit. There is a certain selfishness to her actions. She has (and continues) to involve her kids in an attempt to convince her husband to try again. If that is not manipulation, I really don't know what is.

 

Chasing him or not, no one knows what is the right thing to do here. We are all different and many of us react different to cheating. For example some people would like space to try figure things out, while others would like to feel really wanted and like the idea of being pursued. No one can be sure which type Sophie's husband is, but since she has choosen this course of action I presume she knows what is best.

 

Her cheating and putting her family at risk was the actions of a selfish person. To make up what she did I think she she be showing him in actions just how sorry she is. Is convincing him to stay the night and then following the guy into his room showing him remorse? Or was this gesture purely in her own interest? I don't agree with the tactics she is using as they are more about her then him.

 

Fine if you all don't agree. I am just posting to offer a different prespective. I don't have the answers but Sophie needs to get his 'respect' back. Following him into the spare bedroom like that...I personally don't see how this tactic works. The poor guy was probably thinking "did she pursue her co-worker in the same way.."

 

My hunch is he is confused, but I see him going through with the divorce.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I get Sofie was selfish in cheating, but I don't think she's selfish in trying to show her H that she's remorseful. Sex is a form of communication and a way to show love. Is it so wrong of her to try and save her family? I actually feel bad that her H won't give her a 2nd chance.

 

Sofie, if your H does go through with the D, at least you'll know in your heart that you truly tried to fix the damage you created.

Edited January 24, 2014 by violet1

[Fluttershy]

Not, not everyone is selfish and within the selfish people there is also differences.

Being hurt and not want to give a second chance is not selfish, it is self preservation. Having sex with other people when you are married IS selfish!

 

No we are all selfish to some extent. Most of us just learn that to have a happy and fulfilling life we can't just take, take, take. So we choose to give because giving gives us a nice warm fuzzy feeling. Some people may appear more "selfish" than others. But I have never personaly met someone who at their very core were completely selfless.

 

Self preservation is selfish. It isn't taking into consideration sophie or his children. And I think thay is OKAY. Sometimes we need to exhibit a little more of our selfish side. But because the word selfish means "caring for only ones own interests" people use it to slam others who don't act or do like we want them to. Sophie.

 

Everyone is selfish in some way. Because the way we think and feel is based only on our own consideration and perspective. But not all actions are selfish (though even that can be argued by motive.)

 

I was selfish when reconciled with my husband. I did it because I wanted it. Not because I was sacrificing my happiness for my kids or because I felt bad for him but because I decided I wanted to for me.

[janedoe67]

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

NOWWWW you're getting it

[OpheliaSong]

Just in case he doesn't want to reconcile, what are you doing to better your own life and self? At some point you have to stop chasing, when have you given yourself? You don't want to be fifty and still a side piece for an angry man who gets to screw you without being in a relationship with you. Not trying to be rude, but you need to give yourself a date where you move on if he doesn't come around just to protect yourself emotionally.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It seems that for some, any form of communication/contact is manipulation.

 

For me, manipulation means a hidden agenda. I just don't see that here.

 

Sophie, you have a good head on your shoulders, don't get bogged down in the posts that you know are not relevant to your situation/thought process.

 

Whatever the outcome, you are a woman who is now living her life with eyes wide open.

[Fluttershy]

It seems that for some, any form of communication/contact is manipulation.

 

For me, manipulation means a hidden agenda. I just don't see that here.

 

Sophie, you have a good head on your shoulders, don't get bogged down in the posts that you know are not relevant to your situation/thought process.

 

Whatever the outcome, you are a woman who is now living her life with eyes wide open.

 

Yeah, or if she was faking an emotion. Like crocodile tears or what not. SHe wants to have sex with him! That is clear. And she wants to reconcile... Also clear.

[atreides]

It seems that for some, any form of communication/contact is manipulation.

 

For me, manipulation means a hidden agenda. I just don't see that here.

 

Sophie, you have a good head on your shoulders, don't get bogged down in the posts that you know are not relevant to your situation/thought process.

 

Whatever the outcome, you are a woman who is now living her life with eyes wide open.

 

Exactly! There are more than enough WS on LS whom have no remorse but those that do never seem to be able to pass the test for many. Sophie loves her H, there is no agenda other than to be his wife the best she can. If that is manipulative.... then lord help us all... we are all in trouble.

[Lokahi117]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees Sofie's behaviour as manipulative and borderline disrespectful of her husband's desire for space. Why not let the guy decide whether he really wants to stay instead of trying to cloud his judgement with sexual advances?

 

How about letting the man decide for himself? He is not some helpless victim here. He gets a choice in whether he accepts her advances or not. It's not "clouding his judgement" to make sure he knows all the facts, ie if he stays she will have to him sexually.

 

The he can make a choice. I for one, as a man, and and a bh, would not entertain the idea of letting my ww have the benefit of having me around to play big happy family to make her feel less bad about what she did, unless I felt very sexually desired.

 

This would offset the balance of power for me where I could feel like I stayed because it was the perfectly manly thing to do. Having been robbed of any feelings of masculinity by the humiliating experience of being cuckolded, the. I would jump at the chance to to be hard pursued by the woman who shunned me.

 

It reaffirms the fact that I am the more sexually desirable over the other man. If you read the vast majority of bh posts, you will see it is the sexual aspect that most men have the most trouble with. Not the emotional.

 

It comes down to many think they could get past their spouse having emotions for another man, but once he "claims" her by having her physically and sexually, they repeatedly say " if I find out it went physical then we are done"

 

So that's where most of the damage lies in my opinion. And thus that is where a good portion of Sophie's energy should be devoted. It should be approached from a standpoint that her bh probably has lost a lot of his masculine respect for himself by knowing his lady chose another man over himself.

 

Not to say that there isn't other damage in many other areas. And often, this is not repairable. Men have a much much lower rate of forgiving a ww than the other way around. Because biologically, the sexes are hard wired differently. And thus the act of an affair, has very different effects on the two sexes. Of course there are exceptions, but I have found to be just that.....exceptional.

[Lokahi117]

Just in case he doesn't want to reconcile, what are you doing to better your own life and self? At some point you have to stop chasing, when have you given yourself? You don't want to be fifty and still a side piece for an angry man who gets to screw you without being in a relationship with you. Not trying to be rude, but you need to give yourself a date where you move on if he doesn't come around just to protect yourself emotionally.

 

Many people have great connections without having to be in a "relationship". And referring to such an arrangement has being a "side piece" is inaccurate and demeaning. This is two adult human beings, and they can decide for themselves what their relationship should be or look like. And you may consider asking Sophie how she feels about something before you just cast about your statements and assumptions drenched in judgement.

 

Saying " you don't want to be fifty, and still a side piece for an angry man who gets to screw you" makes several leaping assumptions. How do you know her husband would be just some "angry man" using her for sex? And how do you know that Sophie wouldn't accept being a part of her husbands life in some way to be better than not involved at all? These are personal choices that vary from person to person, neither one more right or wrong than the other. And your description of it as "screwing", while classy, also falls far short of accurately summing up many human relationships that exist outside the confines of a strictly defined relationship.

[janedoe67]

Sophie was my last hope that people could either support a WS who really WAS remorseful and trying or at least stay the hell away. Because she really is trying.

 

BTW in the Bible "the Man" who is beheld is the same man sho showed compassion to the woman at the well and the adulterous woman.

 

Isn't that the definition of irony? Really...no?