Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Grumpybutfun]

Things have been pretty crazy lately. The twins have been sick for the past week and then I end catching what they had. I was bedridden with the flu for the past few days feeling better now we all are. No job offers find a job now is extremely difficult now. I actually have asked my older sister for help in find me a job. I really didn't want to ask her or anyone for help but I kind of need it. D should be final by the second week of February it would have been sooner but we have to make a court appearance.

 

Overall besides being sick for past few days I’m feeling pretty good. Just received a invitation for a super bowl party my BIL is having. I’m looking forward to that.

 

Hi Sophie, is it difficult to find a job because of the market or because of the way you had to end your last job? I truly hope you find something. This is really stressful I can imagine.

G

[Sofie2013]

There have been posts about you being manipulative but it's hard for me to make such a determination because you really don't convey much in depth information about your feelings, your husband's exposed feelings or your plan to recover your marriage. Have you ever sat down with him and told him what you want for your family and what you would do to get it? You keep coming off as a passive person who is content to let things happen to them rather than doing what you know you need to do to get what you want. I suspect it was the same with your affair, so much so that in your case it may be true, contrary to the conventional wisdom, that it just happened.

 

 

 

I already told my husband before he moved out that I didn’t’ want divorce and I would do anything asked to save our marriage. So he knows I have told many times since then. I wouldn’t say I’m a passive person. I have been somewhat passive but it more so due to the situation I find myself in. I thought letting him come to me was the best way to go when that didn’t work I had no choice but to be more forward which I don’t have a problem with doing.

 

The affair didn’t just happen I would like to think it did but after being here and talking to my counselor I realize it was a choice and I made the wrong one

[Sofie2013]

Hi Sophie, is it difficult to find a job because of the market or because of the way you had to end your last job? I truly hope you find something. This is really stressful I can imagine.

G

 

 

It could be a little of both. I’m not to stress about now since I have put something away just in case I ever need it. Plus I already started cutting down on my expenses big time so I should be ok in the meantime

[aliveagain]

Sofie, as a betrayed man I can honestly tell you that we want nothing less than to know without a shadow of a doubt that you chose us over O/M and we are not your second choice or a safe fall back position. Keep pursuing him and ask for help from anyone that has influence over him. I expect he too is invited to to your BIL's party. Look casual but hot, make him search you out than drape yourself on his arm, let him know that you still belong to him and that no one else has a chance with you. DO NOT MAKE HIM JEALOUS. When he leaves, you leave with him, ask him to walk you to your car, let him feel like your protector. The fact that family has invited you is a very good sign, good luck.

[Trimmer]

I think this is being quite a bit over dramatic. Nobody said she was scum and should be punished forever or that she should go crawl into a hole and let go. Saying "let this man move on romantically" and turning it into "you think she is scum, etc." is ludicrous.

Here's the thing about saying "Let this man move on romantically..." You are advising Sophie to substitute your opinion for what is best for him, in place of letting him decide.

 

It's clear that she's making advances and offers (let's not get hung up on "manipulate" - that discussion is becoming overly dramatic...) She's been clear and upfront with her husband about her motivations, and she is prepared to back off and give him space if he's not receptive. He is fully informed about his situation, and he's not a 3-year old that anyone has to decide what is best for him. You don't get to do that, Sophie doesn't even get to do that: he does.

 

I never said she was scum, nor did I really see anyone else say it. I merely think she should let him move on from her in the romantic sense.

Maybe you didn't say it outright, and maybe you didn't even mean it, but by telling her she should move on, in spite of her husband showing signs of possibly responding to her overtures and attempts to reconcile, it essentially says "Even though he may become interested in reconciling, you should not do it." You can't avoid the unspoken "...because you are no longer worthy." What the heck does "he deserves better" mean?

 

So "scum" may be a bit of an overstatement, but it's not far off. Telling her she's not worthy, even in spite of her husband's possible interest is still beating on her.

 

If people disagree that the husband does not deserve a wife who won't do this to him then..well, what DOES he deserve then?

Sorry, it's late and I couldn't trace out all the negatives in that statement. But I'll say that what he deserves is to make a fully informed decision for himself, and therefore why should the choice to reconcile be taken away from him (on your advice that she leave him romantically, for his own good, because he deserves better, etc.) if he chooses to do it?

Edited February 1, 2014 by Trimmer

[Oberfeldwebel]

Originally Posted by JThompkins -- If people disagree that the husband does not deserve a wife who won't do this to him then..well, what DOES he deserve then?

 

Originally Posted by Trimmer -- Sorry, it's late and I couldn't trace out all the negatives in that statement. But I'll say that what he deserves is to make a fully informed decision for himself, and therefore why should the choice to reconcile be taken away from him (on your advice that she leave him romantically, for his own good, because he deserves better, etc.) if he chooses to do it?

 

Trimmer is absolutely right. Some people would have taken her back immediately, while others would have never talked to her again. Sophie admitted to her indiscretion and has worked to fix her situation. Will it be enough for her husband, only time will tell, but he has the right to make that decision for himself. Besides, I don't see him as a love sick puppy that is incapable of making a decision for himself. Instead I would suggest that he is probably not a trusting person by nature, so when his trust is lost, it is very difficult to recoup.

 

The fact that he is still in the picture is evidence that he still has feelings. Whether she can regain his trust is yet to be seen, but it won't be accomplished by pushing him away. I think she knows him better than we do and is on the right track to recovery.

[road]

Originally Posted by JThompkins -- If people disagree that the husband does not deserve a wife who won't do this to him then..well, what DOES he deserve then?

 

Originally Posted by Trimmer -- Sorry, it's late and I couldn't trace out all the negatives in that statement. But I'll say that what he deserves is to make a fully informed decision for himself, and therefore why should the choice to reconcile be taken away from him (on your advice that she leave him romantically, for his own good, because he deserves better, etc.) if he chooses to do it?

 

Trimmer is absolutely right. Some people would have taken her back immediately, while others would have never talked to her again. Sophie admitted to her indiscretion and has worked to fix her situation. Will it be enough for her husband, only time will tell, but he has the right to make that decision for himself. Besides, I don't see him as a love sick puppy that is incapable of making a decision for himself. Instead I would suggest that he is probably not a trusting person by nature, so when his trust is lost, it is very difficult to recoup.

 

The fact that he is still in the picture is evidence that he still has feelings. Whether she can regain his trust is yet to be seen, but it won't be accomplished by pushing him away. I think she knows him better than we do and is on the right track to recovery.

 

 

 

Too many people post on LS for sport. Meaning they never had a horse in this race or any other race. For they have not been a WS or a BS.

 

 

I have no problem supporting a WW trying to save her marriage. Easy to say ditch the bee itch when it is not your kids family that is going to get destroyed.

 

 

I do recommend to a BS that when they are young, married short term, no kids, no financial entanglements, that it is best to divorce. Though must posters here do not fit this narrow guideline.

[janedoe67]

I'm sorry if you feel good guys aren't deserving of good women

 

So basically, if someone cheats, she can never again be a "good woman." Don't feel bad; there are quite a few people out there who feel this way.

[BHsigh]

I simply gave my views on the matter, is that not the point? Did Sophie only post this so people would tell her what she wanted to hear? Since ok then: her husband will totally get over this betrayal, it won't be something sitting on the back of his mind for the rest of his life if he ends up taking her back, it won't be something that slowly takes a toll on him over the years until in the end he realizes he really should of just tried to move on. None of those things will happen, I guess.

 

You know, this is a good point, and one that Sophie needs to think about a loyt. We really don't know what type of person he is, if an A is really a deal breaker for him and Sophie does manage to win him back, will he only be staying in an attempt to keep the family together, regardless of his happiness? People stay together for that reason all of the time, including after affairs.

 

Is Sophie ready for this possibility? Years down the line, maybe when their children are grown and moved out, that he may leave her then because of this?

 

I know for me, nearly two years after finding out about the A, it still feels like it just happened. Am I facing a lifetime of this until it eventually stops, or until I end up leaving.

 

Can Sophie be happy with him if this happens? Can she be patient enough to wait years for him to feel better, 5+ years maybe, or accept the high risk that he may just leave her eventually Or will it push her to have an affair again, or cause her to end up leaving him. I know that right now she would probably say that she can wait, but will that be true when the years start dragging by?

[sidney2718]

I never said she was scum, nor did I really see anyone else say it. I merely think she should let him move on from her in the romantic sense. The marriage itself is shot and gone, but it doesn't mean they can't still be a family.

 

How do you know that the relationship is shot? Sophie and her husband interact now quite successfully at a number of levels. He is not totally avoiding her and when they meet it seems as though he's quite pleasant. I'd think that if the marriage was really over her husband would restrict his contact with Sophie to co-parenting issues involving their children. But I don't see that. Instead I see a complex interaction that is steadily evolving.

 

Am I certain that there will be a reconciliation? No, I'm not. But I see no reason to avoid hope. And I try hard to avoid sending negative vibrations Sophie's way. And there have been plenty of those in recent postings.

[sidney2718]

Too many people post on LS for sport. Meaning they never had a horse in this race or any other race. For they have not been a WS or a BS.

.

 

<grin> I respectfully disagree. In my opinion what LS needs, especially in the infidelity section, are folks who have made their marriages work as evidenced by the fact that they are not WS's or BS's. I have noticed, as you apparently have, that the two groups sometimes have different opinions. I would think both need to be heard.

[sidney2718]

So basically, if someone cheats, she can never again be a "good woman." Don't feel bad; there are quite a few people out there who feel this way.

 

But not all...

[janedoe67]

I think good is the wrong word here. People have killed in the past but some have become born again Christians. So 'good' or 'wrong' are bad words to use.

 

If someone cheats (imo) they lack real character, they are selfish and have questionable moral fibre. I mean u stab your best friend in the back. You hurt the people u love most in the world, yet cheaters hope for forgiveness and empathy!?

 

Sophie can still be a good person and still be a good mother and while I am in the vast minority, I believe her husband deserves far better and I believe that better is not with Sophie. I know people will mention the kids but maybe Sophie should have thought about that before jumping into the sack with another man. Instead she needs a therapist to explain 'why'. Codswallop. We all have problems, all have tough parts of our relationships doesn't mean we risk it all for a cheap thrill..

 

Cheating is such a low act and maybe if people didn't continually get second chances it wouldn't happen as much. Marriage vows are there for a reason. Once u broke those vows imo there should be no second chances.

 

If people had stronger boundaries and better communication there wouldn't be 50 cent divorce rates. Sophie made her bed and new she needs to sleep in it. I just hope she never cheats again whether she gets back with her husband or meets a new guy..

 

Ah, I understand. It's okay to coexist with us in an abstract sense, but we don't ever need to be in a relationship because we are damaged goods.

[anne1707]

Ah, I understand. It's okay to coexist with us in an abstract sense, but we don't ever need to be in a relationship because we are damaged goods.

 

Don't you know Jane? We are not just WS but we will also steal, be fraudulent at work, gamble recklessly and generally treat everybody like sh*t.

[FallingLeaves]

Yes, the old relationship Sophie had has died.

 

I think a big part of a true R is just that- ending the old state of affairs and actually starting a brand new relationship.

 

I'm not going to judge the morality of cheating behavior, because honestly this is not the thread to be having that conversation. Both Sophie and her STBXH are attending counseling on co-parenting. If STBXH felt any form of coercion, I am sure he would bring it up and work it out there to make sure they will continue to be able to parent well. STBXH has well proved that he is unafraid to take action to protect himself, and will not easily bow to any unwanted actions. He doesn't need any kiddie gloves here.

 

With that behind us, can we please re focus on the thread and talk to Sophie about her continual progress? Sophie, what can we help you with? How are you doing?

[janedoe67]

I don't think anyone was suggesting the husband was being coerced, just that the whole "manipulate him via sex" thing was a slippery slope and something that definitely should not be given as advice.

 

Yes, in your opinion it is bad advice. In your opinion cheating means never reconciling. In your opinion the past IS the present and future.

 

There may come a time that Sophie's husband doesn't feel that way.

 

And he has a right to that decision as well.

[BHsigh]

Ah, I understand. It's okay to coexist with us in an abstract sense, but we don't ever need to be in a relationship because we are damaged goods.

 

I don't know about all of that, but if for whatever reason I leave my wife and change my mind about forming another relationship, any cheating in the past would be a deal breaker for me.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Now I'm not saying that you, or Sophie, or any other WS will ever cheat again, you may very well be able to control that part of you from now on, but the ability to cheat will always be in you, it's a part of your character.

[anne1707]

I don't know about all of that, but if for whatever reason I leave my wife and change my mind about forming another relationship, any cheating in the past would be a deal breaker for me.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Now I'm not saying that you, or Sophie, or any other WS will ever cheat again, you may very well be able to control that part of you from now on, but the ability to cheat will always be in you, it's a part of your character.

 

But don't you see that the same logic could be applied to you and that the only reason you don't cheat is because of self-control. Therefore you are no better, no worse.

[BHsigh]

But don't you see that the same logic could be applied to you and that the only reason you don't cheat is because of self-control. Therefore you are no better, no worse.

 

No, it absolutely cannot be turned around like that, because I would never cheat, and I have had opportunities. It has nothing to do with self control on my part, it is a combination of having always hated adultery (my dad had an affair right after I was born, my mom caught him and divorced, they hate each other very much, even now) and my personality. I could never betray someone like that, it's ingrained into my personality.

 

I seriously contemplated having a revenge affair after catching my wife, and just the thought of it is so alien to my mind that's it's not even funny. I would never even be able to, no self control needed.

 

So yes, in other words, cheating isn't a part of my personality that needs to be controlled, but even if cheating is viable in a persons personality, if they never lose control of it, then they won't be judged by me. But lose control of it and cheat, and you show the ability to do so again in the right or wrong circumstances.

Edited February 2, 2014 by BHsigh

[anne1707]

No, it absolutely cannot be turned around like that, because I would never cheat, and I have had opportunities. It has nothing to do with self control on my part, it is a combination of having always hated adultery (my dad had an affair right after I was born, my mom caught him and divorced, they hate each other very much, even now) and my personality. I could never betray someone like that, it's ingrained into my personality.

 

I seriously contemplated having a revenge affair after catching my wife, and just the thought of it is so alien to my mind that's it's not even funny. I would never even be able to, no self control needed.

 

If self control did not come into it then you would never have contemplated having an affair. You are contradicting yourself.

[anne1707]

I think we are getting besides the point, whatever your reasons are for NOT cheating, you can't say that is worse then actually cheating on someone. Call it whatever you want for the reasons people do not cheat: self control, fear, respect, love, etc. but for whatever reason they at least had the foresight not to bring another person into the relationship.

 

Not trying to shame anyone, I just do not agree with the whole "this is just as bad, if not worse" mentality.

 

I did not say "this is just as bad..." Etc. I said that none of us are better or worse than each other. I do not presume myself better than others and in a position to judge them.

[BHsigh]

If self control did not come into it then you would never have contemplated having an affair. You are contradicting yourself.

 

Now you're just grasping, I had to force myself to contemplate an affair because of the silly thought that revenge might make me feel better. I never even came close to it because the idea was alien to me, and this was at a time that I was very unhappy and before I left my wife for a few months, If I couldn't so it then, I never could.

[anne1707]

Now you're just grasping, I had to force myself to contemplate an affair because of the silly thought that revenge might make me feel better. I never even came close to it because the idea was alien to me, and this was at a time that I was very unhappy and before I left my wife for a few months, If I couldn't so it then, I never could.

 

And I could argue that you are now grasping to get yourself out of the hole you just dug for yourself

[MuddyFootprints]

I know I should duct tape my fingers to my hair at this point, but maybe we can get this back on topic somehow and actually help the OP in her situation.

 

BH, I can almost breathe your suffering. Is there anything at all that your wife could do for you now that would make any difference in your relationship?

[Fluttershy]

My problem with telling people they "deserve" better web the person has shown remorse and is working on themselves and is not continuing the damaging actions is we are telling them they are not good enough. And if sophie is not good enough for her husband, who wasn't always prince charming either, then who is she good enough for? Another reformed cheater? Is she now in that class?

 

And when we start telling people they aren't good enough even when in the now they have done everything "right" and measuring their worth as a human based on past actions that have been owned we are attacking their sel esteem.

 

And when a person feels they are worthless they can fall into a depression. If her husband deserves better than of course it leads someone who focuses on this or has other people constantly throwing ir at them to them thinking their kids deserve better (even though they already have a reformed cheater) and then friends and family. And then the world. And then suicide happens because really? Wouldn't everyone be better off without them?

 

So that is why I object so strongly to people tellin her, even though she is a remorseful as a ws can be, telling her there is no point in it really, he deserves better.

 

I hate the wors deserve. But let's say this.

Sophie's husband deserves better than to be cheated on. A woman deseres better than to be hit. A spouse deserves better than an alchohalic parent. But if all three of these people make radical changes in ther pshyci than no, if the victim of these situaions is able to forgive and give a second chance... I'd never be so arrogent and judgemental to say "they deserve better". That is reserved for people who do not seek help and get introspective. And own up to theirfaults.