Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Grumpybutfun]

As someone who has little tolerance for infidelity, I can actually see both sides of this issue. I have little tolerance for serial cheaters or cheaters who never get professional help or acknowledge their betrayal. I think Sophie has sufficiently acknowledged her wrong doings and has done what she should by getting IC and owning her betrayal.

 

Regardless of our values and beliefs, Sophie is doing the exact right thing by trying to repair her family and be there for her husband. We all deserve second chances and forgiveness because no one is perfect and sometimes we do let the stories we tell ourselves dictate how we behave. For whatever reason when boredom or monotony invades relationships people tell themselves fairy tales. They act based on feelings they think they should be having such as attractiveness or attention. Each case here is different but Sophie seems to really grasp that she let her own inattention to her marriage sabotage her values. Lessons have been learned and hearts broken, but I hope that we can all be compassionate to the fact that this isn't some made for TV movie, but someone's life. Someone who has small children and a past with this man.

I applaud her for doing whatever she can and for being in IC in order to heal.

 

Sophie, you keep showing him that he is your focus and you love him. Don't take your eyes off repairing your family because only you two can determine what your future holds. Help your husband to see that you failed him but that you aren't that woman anymore. Consistency is key here.

Good luck,

Grumps

[janedoe67]

Grumpy makes a lot of sense. You are now striving to live with character. Keep doing that and no matter what happens YOU will be okay.

[BHsigh]

And I could argue that you are now grasping to get yourself out of the hole you just dug for yourself

 

And what hole would that be?

 

You know, believe what you want if it makes you feel better as a person. I know that I could never cheat, even if I wanted to, and I know that you could.

[Fluttershy]

And what hole would that be?

 

You know, believe what you want if it makes you feel better as a person. I know that I could never cheat, even if I wanted to, and I know that you could.

 

My husband says he know he could never do it again. I believe him.

 

I don't think I could ever cheat but honestly I don't know about these "chances" people always throw around on here. I'd have to go look for something or whatever because I've never had an oppurtunity land in my lap.

 

To be honest, I admire anyone who has started down the slippery slope of an A and stopped themselves more than someone who has never cheated except a few vague opportunities where they actually don't feel an desire or chemistry or whatver. The person who starts forming an innapropriate friendship and realizes it and doesn't keep going shows that they had the real, tempting oppurtunity and got out of it because they chose their morals over forbidden fruit.

[BHsigh]

But to get back to my original point. I apologize for taking part in the threadjacking Sophie.

 

I'm all for you trying to win him back, he may be able to forgive and move on, I merely wanted you to think about how you would handle the time length that may be involved, that might end with him leaving you anyways because he can't forget.

 

As you can see, everyone believes differently, I for one believe that not everyone can or will cheat, and others believe that everyone can (and I may note that they are mostly the ws's or the happily reconciled bs's). None of us know what your husband believes or if he can ever move on from this. I just want you to understand that if you win him back now, he may leave anyways in 5+ years. Us guys are weird about this.

[BHsigh]

My husband says he know he could never do it again. I believe him.

 

I don't think I could ever cheat but honestly I don't know about these "chances" people always throw around on here. I'd have to go look for something or whatever because I've never had an oppurtunity land in my lap.

 

To be honest, I admire anyone who has started down the slippery slope of an A and stopped themselves more than someone who has never cheated except a few vague opportunities where they actually don't feel an desire or chemistry or whatver. The person who starts forming an innapropriate friendship and realizes it and doesn't keep going shows that they had the real, tempting oppurtunity and got out of it because they chose their morals over forbidden fruit.

 

I never meant to imply that a ws will always cheat again, I meant that the ability to cheat is a part of their character that they can control if they want to. I just personally would never take that risk in another relationship, given the many accounts in my history.

[Confused48]

Don't you know Jane? We are not just WS but we will also steal, be fraudulent at work, gamble recklessly and generally treat everybody like sh*t.

 

Anne - You in particular have been so helpful to me as a BS. I hope you know not all BS think like this. I love you, in a healthy way, for all you have done for me and other BS by being here.

[Confused48]

My husband says he know he could never do it again. I believe him.

 

I don't think I could ever cheat but honestly I don't know about these "chances" people always throw around on here. I'd have to go look for something or whatever because I've never had an opportunity land in my lap.

 

To be honest, I admire anyone who has started down the slippery slope of an A and stopped themselves more than someone who has never cheated except a few vague opportunities where they actually don't feel an desire or chemistry or whatever. The person who starts forming an inappropriate friendship and realizes it and doesn't keep going shows that they had the real, tempting opportunity and got out of it because they chose their morals over forbidden fruit.

 

All of this is so true for me. Every single word. So very true and good to hear I am not the only one.

[Lokahi117]

Sophie,

 

Don't worry too much about the D. I divorced my fWW but we are still a couple. We live together and no one but us knows we are divorced.

 

I divorced her bc I don't trust that she wants me. I'm not willing to risk permanent spousal support on a WW. I'm still giving her a second chance. I feel ok about giving her a second chance as a divorced person.

 

I think you should keep doing what you are doing. You have a chance, I think. My fWW does.

 

Sophie,

 

Don't worry too much about the D. I divorced my fWW but we are still a couple. We live together and no one but us knows we are divorced.

 

I divorced her bc I don't trust that she wants me. I'm not willing to risk permanent spousal support on a WW. I'm still giving her a second chance. I feel ok about giving her a second chance as a divorced person.

 

I think you should keep doing what you are doing. You have a chance, I think. My fWW does.

 

If I could like this post ten times I would. A mans ego and self are very symbolic. You killed your old marriage by doing what you did. The divorce is not killing it. It was dead the minute you took another man sexually....at least it's dead as far as yours husband is concerned. So the divorce is just more like the burial of a dead person or in this case, a dead union. But that doesn't mean that your husband is through with you as a partner.

 

Marriage, as it sits currently, is a very losing proposition for many men because, despite the feminist advance for pure equality, they have to take to up the fight of how imbalanced our divorce system is in both custody and financial distribution of the assets. It is still very much a pro female equation. A women can cheat, not be remorseful in the lighters and still a man has to pay her both spousal support and give up most of the time with his children.

 

I know this isn't always the case but the pure numbers support the fact that most women end up fairing far better in divorce than their male counterparts. I can count on one hand the number of times that a man has been paid spousal support by a women that I've heard of. And as for the kids equation; go to bar in a Sunday evening and you'll answer that nagging question you've always had of " I wonder who goes to a bar on a Sunday night? ". Divorced dads. They give their kids back every other weekend and a lot head for the bar so they aren't reminded of how empty their house and life is now that their children only see them four days a month.

 

So to stop my rambling, I believe far too many people are pinning hopes on the divorce not going through to be a symbol of whether or not your husband wants any type of relationship with you beyond a coparent one. And I am here to tell you first hand that a lot of men (due to the above info) feel marriage is a way to trap them and hold them in a situation or a commitment even after they would otherwise leave. It limits their options and doesn't let them just choose if they want to continue to be in a relationship without having to consider the ramifications to their whole life outside what that person they are with brings to their lives purely as a partner.

 

ID compare husband that has been cheated on to.....let's see...(thinking)......like a tiger in the jungle.....who comes across some food in a large bowl and water.....and some tiger toys all in a small clearing.......all things he likes and would freely choose.....

 

.but the last time he chose to accept eating and drinking and playing from this clearing, he found he had to accept that the clearing was contained in a large cage.....and he would have to enter it, and it would be very difficult for him to leave if the he ever decided that the clearing was. I longer meeting his needs..........

 

So now he is very wary of going to eat from that same clearing unless the cage so removed from the equation and he would have the choice of eating from the clearing based purely upon what the clearing provided to him, and not based on being trapped by the cage if the clearing didn't keep fulfilling it's promises.

 

Sorry if that Anaology is a little hard to follow or offensive somehow.....I've been up for 93 hours so far working. So perhaps not my finest hour for writing.

 

But don't be discouraged Sophie.....and definetly DEFINETLY do not start living like a single person.....I can't tell you how badly that would derail any confidence your lover might have built up so far. His whole issue is how you couldn't forsake other men for him....so how somebody thinks it would be helpful to go show him that you are fine with going after other men..........I can't even articulate how bad of an idea that is on so many levels.

 

-hoping for you

Loki

[Lokahi117]

Sofie, as a betrayed man I can honestly tell you that we want nothing less than to know without a shadow of a doubt that you chose us over O/M and we are not your second choice or a safe fall back position. Keep pursuing him and ask for help from anyone that has influence over him. I expect he too is invited to to your BIL's party. Look casual but hot, make him search you out than drape yourself on his arm, let him know that you still belong to him and that no one else has a chance with you. DO NOT MAKE HIM JEALOUS. When he leaves, you leave with him, ask him to walk you to your car, let him feel like your protector. The fact that family has invited you is a very good sign, good luck.

 

Again I find aliveagain to be right in alignment with what men really feel and what they really need. The emasculating affect is the single hardest aspect to the whole ww problem. And these are all greAt ideas to help offset the damage a little. And that's a great start in the right direction.

[Trimmer]

The problem is nobody is telling her she is a worthless human being, far from it. Nobody has said anything like this! I would be mortified if they did.

I will come back to this at the end of this post.

 

I at the same time object to saying this man doesn't deserve better.

You are twisting words into something that I don't believe anyone has said.

 

Some believe that Sofie can become that "someone better." You clearly think she can't. That's a valid discussion, and you are absolutely entitled to your opinion, but eventually her husband is going to make the choice for himself.

 

If he were here asking for advice, I would be the first to suggest that you give him your unvarnished opinion to consider. I'm not arguing against its validity as an opinion - if you think that's the case, you are mistaken.

 

My WHOOOOOLE point is that the context of this thread is advice to Sofie. And the standard on LS is to respond to the poster in the context of the poster's thread.

 

at the end of the day I feel you are still essentially saying "this guy doesn't deserve a wife who won't cheat on him numerous times" and that is wrong too.

You tend to take a disagreement with your position as necessarily being the complete and extreme opposite, and that's not the case. I don't even intend to invalidate the fundamental essence of your advice, but I think it doesn't belong in Sofie's thread, because I maintain that your advice is not for her.

 

If people want to tell her to keep trying they can do so. If some want to say she should let it go, why could they not do so as well? As long as people are not being mean about it, and to that I will stress again: I am not trying to make anyone feel they are a terrible person, etc.

The problem is that your advice is really directed at her husband: "you shouldn't take her back." But since this isn't his thread, you have twisted it as if it is advice to her: "you should let him go {because he shouldn't take you back}." This is why I think your "advice to her" comes off as bashing her, because the result of recasting advice that is really, at it's root, directed at him is the conclusion "you're not worthy."

 

I think it would be more straightforward (at least more honest) to just say that outright and be done with it - at least then, you're responding to her honestly on her thread - than to keep pretending you are giving advice to her, when it's really just advice to her husband, made to sound like it's advice to her.

Edited February 2, 2014 by Trimmer

[Fluttershy]

^good post^

 

telling someone "if you love your H you would let him find someone better" is putting them down, telling them they are worthess and basicaly saying by not giving up on a relationship with her H she is not loving him. The people who have said they feel the marriage is over or he won't be back (because according to the H the marriage was in trouble before Sophie eben realized it was or stepped out) are one thing. But tontry to "guilt" and "shame" her for being reqdy and willing to reconcile with her H? That is just judgemental and unhelpful.

 

So those that feel this way and don't try to sugar coat it.. At least your honest. And for those that seem to want to act like they care at all about the OP but don't and just want to get your digs in. Maybe it is best to move one, specially if you have no direct experience with infidelity.

[anne1707]

Anne - You in particular have been so helpful to me as a BS. I hope you know not all BS think like this. I love you, in a healthy way, for all you have done for me and other BS by being here.

 

Thank you Confused. Don't worry, I know it a real minority of posters who have such a low opinion of WS (I have seen posts from some in the past suggesting that as a WS, you would probably cheat on your taxes, etc). It just frustrates me so much when it happens because it does suggest WS as being morally or ethically corrupt in all aspects of their life. A judgment which I think says more about the person who makes it actually. It also leads some to make ad hominem arguments as I can see has happened a lot in this thread.

 

Sophie has learnt so much and continues to learn. She is not forcing her husband to do anything he doesn't want to do. Having followed this thread for months, I really do hope they can reconcile. Sophie has it in her to do the hard work. She deserves that second chance.

[anne1707]

I love how people excuse bad behaviour in different ways.

 

Where did I excuse Sophie's behaviour?

 

I have not and would not excuse someone having an affair. However I will not just write someone off because of an affair. People can and do change. I think Sophie has. And yes at the end of the day, it is what Sophie and her husband choose to do that counts. It is their life and for them to decide what is right for them, not for others to tell them what they should do.

[Trimmer]

I love how people excuse bad behaviour in different ways.

If you believe that people who advocate the possibility of reconciling can only be described as "excusing bad behaviour", then you have won your argument by refusing to argue any further: congratulations. But it's disingenuous to misrepresent the other side, and then say: see, I've won!

 

Does Sophie deserve a second chance I don't believe she does. I think the crime is too big.

As with my previous post, I believe you are also missing the point. This is not a thread for advice to Sophie's husband. Your opinion is valid and some here might support it, but the person who gets the choice, as you point out later in your post, is her husband. This is not his thread, so this is not the place to advocate to him: "You shouldn't give Sophie a second chance", even if that's a valid opinion, and even if you twist it to make it sound like it's "advice to her."

 

I wonder if she posted on another forum that her husband beat her one time and was incredibly sorry and remorseful how many posters would say he deserves a second chance? think about it..

I am thinking about it, and what I find is that in that scenario, since SHE would be the gatekeeper of the second-chance decision, and SHE started that thread, it would be completely appropriate for people to chime in with their opinions on either side as to whether he deserved a second chance.

 

But what makes that situation different is that the holder of the second-chance decision is the poster. In this case, that is not so. Which is why I believe that "he shouldn't take her back" posts are irrelevant in Sophie's thread.

 

And my pointing this out is not "excusing bad behavior" or saying "he doesn't deserve better" or any of that. It's just saying: Sophie is the OP and therefore the focus of this thread.

 

But the truth is it doesn't matter what my opinion is. The only opinions that really matter are her and her husbands.

I agree. And being this is her thread, the opinions here are supposed to be the ones that address HER choices and decisions.

 

I guess the moral of the story is cheaters (unlike physical abusers) should be forgiven PROVIDING there are kids involved AND the offender is really sorry and remorseful. Maybe they should put this new clause in for modern day wedding vows?

Now you're being sarcastic and twisting the opposing argument into a ridiculous sham so that you can poke fun at it - not a very intellectually honest way to argue.

 

Sophie is NOT a bad person but she did a horrible thing. Sometimes 'sorry' is not enough.

And if this were her husband's thread, I would encourage you to advocate that position to him, as it might help him consider his choices and decisions.

Edited February 2, 2014 by Trimmer

[No Limit]

I would love clear definitions in today's society of what can or should be forgiven/not forgiven and what 'class' each topic should be put into (I.E murder, cheating, abuse, betrayal, lieing, bad secrets, burglary etc etc etc).

 

It's irrelevant because in the end it's not society being married with your husband/wife, but you and you alone. The only constant society ever gave a couple was that whatever they do, don't make a big deal and presence of it. Your business belongs behind your doors and it's good that way. Better than all neighbours and friends running their mouths.

 

It's just too individual. Yes, there are many cases of people who cheat once, will do it again, and having no consequence from it surely encourages this behavior (NOT saying Sophie is/isn't a serial cheater or anything the like, hell I don't even know her). And there are people who feel regret. There are also plenty of murderers who regret, of course not serial killers.

 

But I will admit I'm surprised at how "easily" men take their women back. Especially since that guy seems to be a lawyer or something, he really could find a woman who'll stay loyally at his side.

Maybe it's just because my perspective differs completely from what seems to be normal, many people rely on each other financially (next to emotionally, but that bridge would be well burned if I'd ever be betrayed). I'd pack my things and go, leave it behind for good for my own sake.

Behavior like this, despite the person knowing it might just be self-destructive (speakin' of Sophie's ex here) is truly interesting.

 

Just glad this developement gets updated here in this thread. Most in the internet are left abandoned and leave me to wonder what became of this person.

[William]

As this thread is getting long in the tooth and to avoid banning members for conduct unbecoming of responsible adults, we'll close this and invite the thread starter to alert us if and when they have any updates to post. Thanks for your participation!

 

Thread re-opened for update from thread starter.

Edited February 4, 2014 by William

[Sofie2013]

I did get to go to my BIL super bowl party. My husband and I spent most of the party together. He was somewhat affectionate. He was in a pretty good mode throughout the night. I wasn’t feeling too good but after spending some time with my husband energetic self. His energy rubbed off me and I end up having a lot of fun.

 

After the game my husband asked if we could go for a walk. So we left the party and walked down to the bobby. We sat on one of the couches. W both sat there not saying anything for a few minutes. He stared asking questions about how I felt mostly about the divorce. I told I didn’t want a divorce and I would we try to rebuild our marriage but I could understand why he wants the divorce and he was more than entitled to get one given what I have done. He like many of you have said he’s confused. He told at first he was 100% sure he wanted a divorce and that’s what he planned to do. He told me whenever he talks to me or spends to with me with or with the kids he has fun and misses us when he leaves. It’s when he way that he can stop think about what I did and it eats him up and doesn’t know what to do. That divorce was the only thing that made sense to him. I told I was truly sorry for putting him through this and that I really loved him. I was fine with waiting for him even if it meant having to go through the divorce first. We both sat there for a few more minutes and went back to the party. He was still pretty affectionate throughout the night. We even shared a passionate kiss before we left.

 

I’m really happy about what happened last night he actually final told me how he felt I do see that a major progress.

[sidney2718]

I did get to go to my BIL super bowl party. My husband and I spent most of the party together. He was somewhat affectionate. He was in a pretty good mode throughout the night. I wasn’t feeling too good but after spending some time with my husband energetic self. His energy rubbed off me and I end up having a lot of fun.

 

After the game my husband asked if we could go for a walk. So we left the party and walked down to the bobby. We sat on one of the couches. W both sat there not saying anything for a few minutes. He stared asking questions about how I felt mostly about the divorce. I told I didn’t want a divorce and I would we try to rebuild our marriage but I could understand why he wants the divorce and he was more than entitled to get one given what I have done. He like many of you have said he’s confused. He told at first he was 100% sure he wanted a divorce and that’s what he planned to do. He told me whenever he talks to me or spends to with me with or with the kids he has fun and misses us when he leaves. It’s when he way that he can stop think about what I did and it eats him up and doesn’t know what to do. That divorce was the only thing that made sense to him. I told I was truly sorry for putting him through this and that I really loved him. I was fine with waiting for him even if it meant having to go through the divorce first. We both sat there for a few more minutes and went back to the party. He was still pretty affectionate throughout the night. We even shared a passionate kiss before we left.

 

I’m really happy about what happened last night he actually final told me how he felt I do see that a major progress.

 

I think that's wonderful! You've told him how you feel and I think that your remorse came through as it has in the past. Certainly we here have seen it.

 

Can you find ways to show him how remorseful you are? Actions often are more convincing than words.

 

Still, this was great news!!!

[Raven3321]

That's great news Sophie!

[Fluttershy]

I am very happy for you sophie. You are right, his finally sharing with you his feelings is good. And his inviting you on thewalk for that purpose. I know you know your not out of the woods yet but I would say this last post has given me more hope for you.

[ChooseTruth]

I did get to go to my BIL super bowl party. My husband and I spent most of the party together. He was somewhat affectionate. He was in a pretty good mode throughout the night. I wasn’t feeling too good but after spending some time with my husband energetic self. His energy rubbed off me and I end up having a lot of fun.

 

After the game my husband asked if we could go for a walk. So we left the party and walked down to the bobby. We sat on one of the couches. W both sat there not saying anything for a few minutes. He stared asking questions about how I felt mostly about the divorce. I told I didn’t want a divorce and I would we try to rebuild our marriage but I could understand why he wants the divorce and he was more than entitled to get one given what I have done. He like many of you have said he’s confused. He told at first he was 100% sure he wanted a divorce and that’s what he planned to do. He told me whenever he talks to me or spends to with me with or with the kids he has fun and misses us when he leaves. It’s when he way that he can stop think about what I did and it eats him up and doesn’t know what to do. That divorce was the only thing that made sense to him. I told I was truly sorry for putting him through this and that I really loved him. I was fine with waiting for him even if it meant having to go through the divorce first. We both sat there for a few more minutes and went back to the party. He was still pretty affectionate throughout the night. We even shared a passionate kiss before we left.

 

I’m really happy about what happened last night he actually final told me how he felt I do see that a major progress.

 

 

He's opening up! That's a great sign I admire your patience.

[Lokahi117]

Is is awesome news Sophie. You have given him pause to think about you as his partner in the future. He now is teetering back and forth. And that's good. He has gone from fully sure he wants out to now he is not sure.

 

Mind you he will still struggle greatly with the thought of you with another man. Even he probably won't know he will struggle so hard to get past this.

 

But what your seeing right now is the reason why you must be the perfect woman for him to consider staying.

 

Hence the aggressive approach. Men want a women with a ravenous sexual appetite for them and them alone. They want a women in greAt shape. They want a women who will be loyal and who will be faithful to them in every way.

 

Unfortunately you fell short in two of the hardest and most unforgiving areas. So you must overcompensate for this black mark against you by being a super-woman in all other areas.

 

So if you are not on great shape, start working out big time, and eat uber healthy and he will begin to doubt his decision to end his love with you even more.

 

Remember he will be being pursue by women whom have been competing for male attention for a while now and they will be in great shape and since your husband sounds like a great catch (attorney, good looking, good dancer etc). He will have no shortage of female attention. So he will be looking for ways to make it work with you but he will have to be able to put a lot in the Sophie pro column to offset the cons column which is stacked by two heavily weighted issues.

 

So bring your A game and keep on bringing it and make being the best choice your number one job especially while you are out of work. You have no reason why you can't make being the best woman your full time job.

 

You can do this!!! Go get him Sophie.

[SleeplessIn]

.... (snipped for brevity)

Hence the aggressive approach. Men want a women with a ravenous sexual appetite for them and them alone. They want a women in greAt shape. They want a women who will be loyal and who will be faithful to them in every way.

 

Unfortunately you fell short in two of the hardest and most unforgiving areas. So you must overcompensate for this black mark against you by being a super-woman in all other areas.

 

So if you are not on great shape, start working out big time, and eat uber healthy and he will begin to doubt his decision to end his love with you even more.

 

(more snippage for brevity)

 

As a woman, I feel offended by a couple of these points. First, what does "great shape" have to do with a woman's value to a man when it comes to love and marriage? Second, the same question with regard to a woman having a "ravenous sexual appetite"? What is this "men want women" who have those characteristics? Pretty shallow, seems to me. No room for a woman who is warm, witty, wise and pretty, but who has a health condition that causes overweight? No room for a woman who works hard at a job and at home and hasn't got the energy usually for a ravenous sexual appetite?

 

If Sofie feels that being in better physical shape, or exhibiting heightened ardor for her husband are factors important to her or to him, she has those choices to make, but to blanket-state that "men want women" who exhibit these things is a broad statement.

 

Also, one other thing. There is nothing inherently fantastic about a man who is an attorney. Believe me, I worked over 20 years with attorneys, and while I loved my guys and loved the work, they were human beings and put their pants on one leg at a time like everyone else. Every day I saw attorneys with big bellies, bad breath, bad hair, and who were smart as the dickens when it came to the law but had no common sense whatsoever. An attorney is just a guy who has a good paying job, when you come right down to it, and he could not accomplish much or make much if not for the coterie of legal assistants, secretaries and junior attorneys who support him.

 

This is not to take anything away from Sofie's husband, but his worth as a human being is no higher than hers.

Edited February 4, 2014 by SleeplessIn

[aliveagain]

Back in October I asked if you would consider living with him common law after he divorces you, this is about him saving face. Would you be willing to offer him a post nuptial agreement giving up financial rights in lieu of a divorce, would he consider that? Would you consider that? He does not want to loose you and he knows that is a risk if he divorces you but at the same time he feels he has to save face because of his beliefs or because some family is putting pressure on him to do so.