Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Lokahi117]

Sorry if my comments come off as offensive to some. I meant them To be motivational and it's very hard to convey tone through text. So please if it offends you, feel free to pm me about it but this thread was already closed once because of the back and forth of users disagreeing about advice. So feel free to ignore anything that I say that you find offensive so we can keep comments limited to what will help Sophie.

 

And Sophie I hope you don't take offense to my comments, I know I can come across as hard line but I talk to numerous men and betrayed men and i have a good basis that isn't just bias for why I say what I say. I speak "man" very well, because also I am a betrayed man and I know at the very least what I need and want from a woman if I could design my dream wife 3.0.

 

I'm always rooting for you and any comments I make are honestly, from my heart, trying to help as best as I know how.

 

Your biggest cheerleader,

Loki

[BHsigh]

I'm glad to hear that you're making progress Sophie, it is wonderful to hear that your husband is opening up, that is great news no matter which way he leans (divorce or staying), it means that he is able to process everything, at least somewhat.

[janedoe67]

I am very glad he is opening up as well.

 

I agree about bringing your A game. As for being the perfect woman - there is no such thing as perfect, even if you haven't ever strayed. Just be the best Sophie you can be because it is right.

[Chi townD]

Break through! Good!

 

Well, at the time when he opened up to you, I would have taken the opportunity to see if he wanted to try marriage counseling. If for anything, to help him sort out his feelings. I would have said that it was completely up to him but to give at least 6 sessions a try and if he doesn't want to go anymore or he feels it isn't working, then he can put a stop to it and you would understand.

 

By saying it like this, you let him know that he still has the power. That he's still in control. And the choices are still all of his. Like he's not being forced to be there.

 

But, the opportunity has passed. He's still on that roller coaster and you don't know what his mood will be like day to day. But, if he opens up again, strike while the iron is hot!

 

Until then, let him know you're thinking about him, just a small token to make him aware that he's important to you. Like mailing a thank you card for inviting you the other night. Or find a bakery that can deliver a dozen gourmet cookies to his place with a thank you message inside...something along those lines.

[Sofie2013]

Back in October I asked if you would consider living with him common law after he divorces you, this is about him saving face. Would you be willing to offer him a post nuptial agreement giving up financial rights in lieu of a divorce, would he consider that? Would you consider that? He does not want to loose you and he knows that is a risk if he divorces you but at the same time he feels he has to save face because of his beliefs or because some family is putting pressure on him to do so.

 

I don’t have a problem living in a common law with him. It doesn’t really matter to me as long as we are together. I would prefer it to be in a marriage. As for a post nuptial agreement I don’t have a problem offering him one if it meant the divorce would be stopped. I just don’t think he would go for it. The divorce is pretty much a sure thing now it should official next week.

[Sofie2013]

Break through! Good!

 

Well, at the time when he opened up to you, I would have taken the opportunity to see if he wanted to try marriage counseling. If for anything, to help him sort out his feelings. I would have said that it was completely up to him but to give at least 6 sessions a try and if he doesn't want to go anymore or he feels it isn't working, then he can put a stop to it and you would understand.

 

Until then, let him know you're thinking about him, just a small token to make him aware that he's important to you. Like mailing a thank you card for inviting you the other night. Or find a bakery that can deliver a dozen gourmet cookies to his place with a thank you message inside...something along those lines.

 

 

It would have been a good time to bring up trying marriage counseling. It didn’t cross my mind at the time. I do like your idea I will try to bring it up today after. We have co-parenting counseling so I will try to bring it up after depending on his mode.

 

 

I actually will do something. I might cook him a homemade lunch and bring it to his office.

[turnera]

Sophie, you can always offer to, once the divorce is final, get a lawyer to draw up a new PRE-nup for any FUTURE marriage with him. That might mean a lot to him.

[janedoe67]

It would have been a good time to bring up trying marriage counseling. It didn’t cross my mind at the time. I do like your idea I will try to bring it up today after. We have co-parenting counseling so I will try to bring it up after depending on his mode.

 

 

I actually will do something. I might cook him a homemade lunch and bring it to his office.

 

There is no way to think of everything all the time as it happens. You are doing the best you can. That is all you can do, and I think you are doing well.

[BHsigh]

Hmm, I don't know, asking him about marriage counseling right now may be a little too much. You have another week until the divorce is finalized right? He hasn't stopped it yet, and he may take it as pushing him too hard and trying to rush everything.

 

I would suggest waiting until it seems like you're moving more towards restarting your relationship, then it would look more like an attempt to make the new relationship stronger rather than saving the old relationship.

 

I don't know if I made much sense, I just feel like suggesting that now would be way too soon, he could possibly react like "marriage counseling?!?!, our divorce is finalized next week".

[drifter777]

...

It’s when he way that he can stop think about what I did and it eats him up and doesn’t know what to do. That divorce was the only thing that made sense to him.

I don't know if you understand this but what he is telling you is that this just might torture him forever. I know you are not going to stop working to get him back but try to understand you will never know the depth of his pain. No one can. He could be wounded too badly to ever be able to accept you back.

[janedoe67]

I don't know if you understand this but what he is telling you is that this just might torture him forever. I know you are not going to stop working to get him back but try to understand you will never know the depth of his pain. No one can. He could be wounded too badly to ever be able to accept you back.

 

If this is the case then it shows his character that he is letting you go. Lots of men keep their wives around AND never forgive or move on.

[turnera]

I have to ask you why you feel this would be a good idea? It seems awfully presumptuous to be assuming there will be a future marriage with him. Others have said their divorce becomes final in a week? If this guy hasn't called it off by now chances are he is going to go through with it, despite knowing he still cares for this woman. Doesn't mean it is 100% guaranteed he won't call it off since nothing in life is for sure, but the odds aren't in her favor. Her drawing up papers for a future marriage with this guy would just make it worse.

It would be an OFFER, made with humility, to let him be aware that if he ever felt he would like to give it another chance, down the road, she would STILL be willing to do whatever it takes to reassure him that she has learned her lesson and will never be that person again. To me, that is not presumptuous, it is merely giving him information that may help him make a decision, and then politely walking away, to not mention it again.

[Fluttershy]

It would be an OFFER, made with humility, to let him be aware that if he ever felt he would like to give it another chance, down the road, she would STILL be willing to do whatever it takes to reassure him that she has learned her lesson and will never be that person again. To me, that is not presumptuous, it is merely giving him information that may help him make a decision, and then politely walking away, to not mention it again.

 

Another good sign to it is that it shows she wants him not the comfort of his lifestyle. And that she is betting her comfort on her fidelity. If only these things held up in court. If she could promise him sole custody of the kids should she be unfaithful again I am sure that would show him she means it. But as a lawyer they would both know such a statement would not hold up in the court of law.

 

My opinion is she should file that away for now. Let the divorce happen without anymore actions on her part. Divorce isn't tAlwas the end it just might be what he needs.

[Scott Thomas]

I'm glad you made some progress. The divorce will be finalized next week. However, this is no reason to stop your work. Keep on trying to reconnect with him.

In my opinion, he misses you and what you had but is too disgusted with what you did. He's trapped between 'still love her and might lose my chance at keeping my family united' and 'what she did is unaccaptable, there are other women out there, cut your losses' etc. At this stage, his ego and pride are the main factors pushing him towards leaving you. Do whatever you can to soften the blow and re-inflate his ego/pride.

A poster asked you to consider dating again. In my opinion, this would be a colossal mistake. Why? Because:

1. He dates other women for a year, regains his ego, sees that you are not seeing other men, and he realizes you regret your choices and miss him. He might come back.

2. He dates other women for a year, regains his ego, sees that you are dating other men instead of waiting for him, thinks 'well, she didn't care enough to wait, did she?', assumes there's too much baggage and decides to move on.

Consequently, I would advise you to refrain from dating another man for at least a year.

 

I think that this is what Aliveagain meant when he asked you to refrain from dating. Keep up the good work!

[Lokahi117]

 

My opinion is she should file that away for now. Let the divorce happen without anymore actions on her part. Divorce isn't tAlwas the end it just might be what he needs.

 

 

This is exactly right, he will still have the divorce for the very reasons I mentioned in earlier posts. Then the decision to go ahead cautiously with any type of relationship is all at his choice. He is not trapped there by law, or property or fear of his resources. He is free to choose to be with Sophie just for her being her. And he takes comfort in the fact that he is not trapped there if he can't make it work. He has nothing tying him down to her other than his love.

 

So now he has even less to risk if he tries to make it work with her somehow.

[BHsigh]

My opinion is she should file that away for now. Let the divorce happen without anymore actions on her part. Divorce isn't tAlwas the end it just might be what he needs.

 

Exactly, Sophie should continue to work on the relationship aspect, but drop the marriage part for now, treat it completely like a new beginning with a history.

 

For all we know he may not want to marry ever again, though I can't speak for him of course. It's best to let him decide for now without feeling coerced or having "hints" being dropped.

[Sofie2013]

I'm glad you made some progress. The divorce will be finalized next week. However, this is no reason to stop your work. Keep on trying to reconnect with him.

In my opinion, he misses you and what you had but is too disgusted with what you did. He's trapped between 'still love her and might lose my chance at keeping my family united' and 'what she did is unaccaptable, there are other women out there, cut your losses' etc. At this stage, his ego and pride are the main factors pushing him towards leaving you. Do whatever you can to soften the blow and re-inflate his ego/pride.

A poster asked you to consider dating again. In my opinion, this would be a colossal mistake. Why? Because:

1. He dates other women for a year, regains his ego, sees that you are not seeing other men, and he realizes you regret your choices and miss him. He might come back.

2. He dates other women for a year, regains his ego, sees that you are dating other men instead of waiting for him, thinks 'well, she didn't care enough to wait, did she?', assumes there's too much baggage and decides to move on.

Consequently, I would advise you to refrain from dating another man for at least a year.

 

I think that this is what Aliveagain meant when he asked you to refrain from dating. Keep up the good work!

 

 

I don’t think any poster has said I should start dating again after the divorce

 

The divorce will be finalized next week. The plan will still be the same to try and rebuild our relationship even after the divorce. If my husband does decided to see other people well I won’t be able to stop him and it his choice. I won’t be seeing any anyone if the person isn’t my husband for many reason some involving him other don’t have anything to do with him.

[sidney2718]

There is no way to think of everything all the time as it happens. You are doing the best you can. That is all you can do, and I think you are doing well.

 

I agree with this totally.

[Sofie2013]

As you all know my divorce is going to be finalized next week. I have been talking about a lot lately not in a good way. A lot of you guys who have posted have been divorce and I was wondering how you managed, how did it effect you, how you felt.

 

Right now I feel extremely guilty. Also have feeling sick I haven’t really been able to eat or sleep. I feel depressed and week. I have trouble getting up just doing normal things and it isn’t getting easier. I’m trying to keep it together I just don’t know how much more I can handle everything seems like a struggle. Too to it all off its all my fault.

[peruano99]

If you two get back together after the divorce and he doesn't want to get married again, will you be okay with it?

[drifter777]

As you all know my divorce is going to be finalized next week. I have been talking about a lot lately not in a good way. A lot of you guys who have posted have been divorce and I was wondering how you managed, how did it effect you, how you felt.

 

Right now I feel extremely guilty. Also have feeling sick I haven’t really been able to eat or sleep. I feel depressed and week. I have trouble getting up just doing normal things and it isn’t getting easier. I’m trying to keep it together I just don’t know how much more I can handle everything seems like a struggle. Too to it all off its all my fault.

Maybe antidepressants could help you get through this. You don't have to take them forever and sometimes 6 month of treatment gets you back on course.

[anne1707]

If you two get back together after the divorce and he doesn't want to get married again, will you be okay with it?

 

Sophie answered this in post 895

[sidney2718]

As you all know my divorce is going to be finalized next week. I have been talking about a lot lately not in a good way. A lot of you guys who have posted have been divorce and I was wondering how you managed, how did it effect you, how you felt.

 

Right now I feel extremely guilty. Also have feeling sick I haven’t really been able to eat or sleep. I feel depressed and week. I have trouble getting up just doing normal things and it isn’t getting easier. I’m trying to keep it together I just don’t know how much more I can handle everything seems like a struggle. Too to it all off its all my fault.

 

Of course you are nervous, depressed, and troubled. Who would not be? All you can do is take a deep breath, hug your kids, and try to relax. I'm sure you can do at least two of those things... And you need to know that your fan club here is also feeling nervous. I know I am. And because we are nervous we burden you with our thoughts when it should be the other way around.

 

But here I go: I still feel that there will be a good outcome. But reconciliation may well not happen until AFTER the divorce is final. So take another deep breath. The fan club is with you.

[Trimmer]

Sophie, for most people, divorce is very much the end of a marriage and a spousal partnership. That was true for me, and over time, I have not just survived, but actually thrived, being a good parent to my kids, continuing to build great relationships with them, and even having a good working relationship - as parents - with my ex.

 

I'm giving you that as a kind of a "good worst case scenario" - even though my marriage completely ended, I had the power and control to make my life work out, and continue our family moving forward in a really positive way.

 

In your situation, it seems like there is still a bond there, a connection that is currently damaged and fuzzy with confusion, and in need of healing, but more than in any other situation I've heard of, there is hope. And I don't mean the naive, stupid hope that some people have (like I did) when they are in denial and before they can break through and see reality. It seems like there is really still something there.

 

So the divorce will probably be traumatic, emotionally, just because of what it is and what it means. It is truly a symbol. But while in most cases, it symbolizes the end of a partnership, it may be that in your case it may just be a necessary "ripping off the bandage" towards a different kind of healing that most of us didn't achieve in our divorces.

 

I can't guarantee any of this, but again - more than anyone else I think I've seen - your willingness to do the right things and the attitude you have, which seems genuine and not just an act of "going through the motions", put you in a position with the potential to grow a new relationship moving forward.

 

It won't suddenly get super easy - it will still be work going forward, but as long as you generally are moving forward instead of backward, well, forward is forward, even if it's gradual.

[Fivekaday]

a divorce usually means the end. Hoping to start things after a divorce is not a good thought process to have. It can actually add to the pain when the realisation hits that the relationship is over.

 

Sophies husband loves her, but the way he looks at her has changed and I don't believe it will ever change back. Now is the time to right by the kids and start to get over what happened which will be tough enough as it is, without messages of false hope..