Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Scott Thomas]

1. I remarried my wife. Clearly divorce is not always the end.

 

2. Not a good thought process? I think that hope is a good 'thought process'. We can agree to disagree.

 

3. My friend, we both want Sophie to find happiness. Let's not add any fuel to the fire or make these days any more burdensome for her.

 

I think Sophie should keep the candle alight. As Sean Connery would say, Never say Never.

[Fivekaday]

1. I remarried my wife. Clearly divorce is not always the end.

 

That's why I used the word 'usually'...

 

There are always exceptions to many rules but USUALLY (there I emphasized it) the same rules apply to most. I.E most people who divorce don't get back together.

 

Sophie is about to embark on a major roller coaster ride. I just feel she needs to temper expectations..

 

As for hope...Hope in one hand and sh!&*(&*t in the other and see which one fills up faster..

[janedoe67]

As for hope...Hope in one hand and sh!&*(&*t in the other and see which one fills up faster..

 

I'm trying to figure out which peer counseling principle this comment follows.....

 

No one knows the future. Some people can deal better with the pain of the present by having hope. Some people do better by expecting the worst and then being surprised when it's not as bad as they thought. I'm pretty sure sarcasm and angry remarks don't help in either scenario.

[Fivekaday]

Jane fair enough. I just think there is far too much positivity considering the circumstances..

[Sofie2013]

1. I remarried my wife. Clearly divorce is not always the end.

 

2. Not a good thought process? I think that hope is a good 'thought process'. We can agree to disagree.

 

3. My friend, we both want Sophie to find happiness. Let's not add any fuel to the fire or make these days any more burdensome for her.

 

I think Sophie should keep the candle alight. As Sean Connery would say, Never say Never.

 

 

If you don’t mind me asking, what was the reason for the divorce? How is the marriage now?

 

I know that divorce doesn’t mean that everything comes to an end but it sure does feel like it.

[Fluttershy]

I know that divorce doesn’t mean that everything comes to an end but it sure does feel like it.

 

You would do better to think of your marriage as over. This is the end. This is the end of a marriae infected with infidelity. There is no going back.

 

But now there is this guy you are attracted to, and he is attracted to you. Start fresh with him and build a relationship that you will never check out of.

 

Some people nees the symbolism and an act to make things right.

 

Have you asked him if he wants your rings back?

[Chi townD]

I would be on the side of moving on with your life if it was apparent that your husband had absolutely no interest in exploring any possibility of reconciling.

 

If he ignored your overtures, if he didn't want to share time with you and the kids together, if the only thing he communicated with you is about the kids and kids only, if he didn't return your calls or if he straight out told you that he wanted nothing to do with you. Then, I would tell you to start moving on with your life.

 

But, I'm not getting that from him. I feel that he wants to reconcile or even explore the possibility of reconciling. It seems that his resolve and his pride are what's stopping him. I wouldn't tell you to pursue this if I didn't think you had a chances. I wouldn't want to willfully fill you up with false hope.

 

But, always remember, that he MIGHT be set on divorce. That could be a fact that you have to face.

[Sofie2013]

 

Have you asked him if he wants your rings back?

 

 

He did ask for the ring back. I refused to give them to him at the time. I plan to give them back to him when I see him next week. I never had a right to ask to keep them.

[Fluttershy]

He did ask for the ring back. I refused to give them to him at the time. I plan to give them back to him when I see him next week. I never had a right to ask to keep them.

 

Actually the rings are yours, legally you did have a "right" to keep them. And you responded emotionally to it. But now give them back so he can do what he needs to with them. Follow your instincts on what to say when you hand them back.

[Timmos]

He did ask for the ring back. I refused to give them to him at the time. I plan to give them back to him when I see him next week. I never had a right to ask to keep them.

 

I asked for my wife's ring back. I took it from her hand myself. I don't know how your husband will react to it, but for me, it was an emotional mess, stomach churning, eye opening reality moment. For both of us. She bawled like a baby.

 

She had it back that night and reconciliation truly started.

[janedoe67]

I am sure that THEN - in the PAST - you probably didn't want to give them back for a whole host of reasons. Sans a time machine you can't change that.

 

But you can do something differently NOW.

[Fluttershy]

To be honest, you are indeed correct, you really should of never refused in the first place. I'm not even going to get into the legalities of ownership or anything, but the rings represent the marriage right? You broke those vows, so I feel he had the right to ask for it back. I think you should of just given it to him when he asked, how long ago was this?

 

For me you refusing to give them back would of been a sign you weren't really respecting how I was feeling and how badly your actions had hurt me. I am not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to make you understand the effect this action might of had on your husband. The way you act after an affair can be crucial to whether or not the person divorces you.

 

He husband seems rational enough that that one thing won't ruin her chances. His focus is on the real issue... Her cheating. I he decides he can forgive and gie her a second chance he will see her keeping the ring was her ddesperately trying to hang on to the marriage. When people dony want to forgive it becomes a damned if you do situations. Sophie gives the ring back and he would view it as her not caring and giving in... Sophie doesn't give the ring back it is being disrespectful.

[Trimmer]

a divorce usually means the end. Hoping to start things after a divorce is not a good thought process to have.

I would usually agree with you, however, in actually reading through Sofie's case, I feel this is one of those unusual ones. Can't guarantee anything, but if there's ever been a case for hope, it's this one. Chi townD puts it well:

I would be on the side of moving on with your life if it was apparent that your husband had absolutely no interest in exploring any possibility of reconciling.

 

If he ignored your overtures, if he didn't want to share time with you and the kids together, if the only thing he communicated with you is about the kids and kids only, if he didn't return your calls or if he straight out told you that he wanted nothing to do with you. Then, I would tell you to start moving on with your life.

 

But, I'm not getting that from him. I feel that he wants to reconcile or even explore the possibility of reconciling. It seems that his resolve and his pride are what's stopping him. I wouldn't tell you to pursue this if I didn't think you had a chances. I wouldn't want to willfully fill you up with false hope.

 

 

 

A thought on the rings:

 

For me you refusing to give them back would of been a sign you weren't really respecting how I was feeling and how badly your actions had hurt me. I am not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to make you understand the effect this action might of had on your husband. The way you act after an affair can be crucial to whether or not the person divorces you.

On the rings, I generally agree, and in the heat of the moment he might have had this impression. But is it possible that in the long run, and coupled with her subsequent remorse and clear intentions to do what it takes to reconcile, Sofie's refusal to give them up initially might be symbolic of the fact that the marriage still meant something to her and she was ready to fight for it?

 

I know it could go both ways, and it might take retrospect to see it this way, but again, in the big picture, if she had accepted "giving up" on the marriage right away - essentially "discarding" the rings, maybe that could have had a negative vibe to it as well... I don't know for sure - it certainly could go either way - but it's not always obvious how something like that might be interpreted.

[aliveagain]

If he asked for them back give them back. They lost the meaning they represented. Sell them for gold content, keep the stones for a dinner ring. If you somehow get back together in the future get new rings and have them blessed. These rings will have meaning and represent your sworn commitment to each other. The old ones may be a trigger for him, I assume you wore them when you were with O/M.

[BeholdtheMan]

As you all know my divorce is going to be finalized next week.

 

Congratulations to your husband for not caving in to your advances. He seems o be a very strong guy who's on top of his game.

 

I also think you should be grateful to him, in a way. He's teaching you a very valuable lesson you'll never forget. I hope you'll remember this lessons when you date the next guy or in the unlikely event that your husband remarries you

[manticore]

Hi soffie, so many things to comment, I normally don't support WS. (normally support BS to left their unremorseful cheating partners)

 

that said, one thing that was clear for me from the beginning is that your husband keep loving you and was not as disconnected of the marriage as your BIL told you, sometimes men said things to put strong face with others.

 

the simple fact that he noticed inmediatly when his wife began to act oddly and began to suspect that something was wrong shows how good he knew his wife and how much he still paid attention to her (there are BS that take years to find about the affair by concidence).

 

just because he is stoic and put a strong face in front of you does not mean that he was not destroyed and cried many times when he was alone and nobody could saw his vulnerability (many men with alpha traits do that).

 

another proof of that, is the way he handled the divorce, BS that are vindictive and disconnected go and destroy their WS in every aspect, he could have left you homeless, fought for custody, blamed you for the divorce in front of the kids, and burned you with friends and family, but in the end he still decided to left what was more important to him with you (his kids) deciding that even if you failed as his wife you still were a good mother and person in genereal.

 

the fact that he is divorcing you have nothing to do with love, it have to do with alpha traits and doing what his principles dictated that is correct way of action, you cheated, and actions have to have consequences, he has to do what he feels is right and put the example to his kids (even if they still don't understand what he is doing)

 

there are men that are wired like that.

[manticore]

one of the things that BS does the most is comparation, they comapare every action and Word shared with AP against they way their WS was with them, example.

 

he may think things like:

 

it took me 2 years for her to date me and I wanted a serious relationship with her, and it took him 3 months to bed her and he just wanted her *rse.

 

another one, I don't know if you shared details about the sexual encounters but if that was the case there is also comparation about that:

 

it took me 5 years to have anal with her, and it took him 2 sesions to do it.

 

that thinking is not limited to sexual actions, also romatic details, gifts, pet names etc.

 

that is why many BS said once and again while trying to reconcile that they feel that their wives don't invest as much effort with them as they did with their APs.

 

so you have to think if your husband knows about the datails of your affair, if you had any kind of attention that you did with OM that you normally didn't with your husband

[manticore]

other thing that you have to understand is how affairs affect men, Lokahi put a good example but I feel for your posts that you kind of feel that your husband can do well without you and move on without problems and left the affair behind if he gets another woman , well you are wrong.

 

let me put it like this:

 

your husband can be stronger, more handsome, more athletic, more financially and profesional sucessfully, if we interview 100 women maybe the 100 will choice your husband as the man they like the most and still does not change the fact that the woman that he choose as life partner was conquered by another man.

 

as a user in another forum once said, in a primal level the only way to be even with OM is f*cking his wife or kill him (not even sending him to the hospital is enough, wrote by users that had done it).

 

is a fatal blow for the self stem and is the part you have to reforce the most in every chance you have, trying ot make him feel that there is no other man you would choice over him

[manticore]

so why I am focusing in the mental state of the BS, because many BS (specially men with alpha traits), inmediatly after the divorce (or separation depending their understanding of termination of the marriage) began to date like crazy (casual realtionships) to empower themselves, to regain the self stem and to proof themsleves that they are atractives and that they have value as men.

 

I am telling you this because your divorce is about to be finalized and your husband seems to be the type of "I will not date anyone until divorce is finalized" (related to his profession and as moral bahaviour), if he begins to casual dating does that means that you have no chance?, no , in fact many BS that date casually after the divorce keep a close eye in their XWS.

 

you probably as many WS had told repetidly to your BS that you will not give up, that you will wait for him and that you will love him forever, but at this moment your BS don't believe nothing that comes from your mouth, after all, for six months you keep lying to him, telling him that you loved him while you were having sex with OM, so at this moment words mean nothing to him, actions means everything.

 

if you have read some BS threads you maybe noticed how they many times they said something like, "yes my wife wants reconcilation, but for the stability, but she is a beautifull woman so I know that once the divorce is finalized she will find another man easily" but in fact what they hope is that their wife remain waiting for them, that with actions they asure them that they are in fact the love of their lives and they are still waiting even if they are dating someone else.

 

in the end if he dates someone else after the divorce is your choice to move on or wait for him (nothig really guarantee that he will return), but for his influences (his player brother) and social standing (a high profile male) the odds is said that he will date to empower himself.

 

(don't take it personal if his brother help him to get women, probably is the only way he can think to help to heal his brother, remember that he probably saw the whole fall out)

[manticore]

you have stated in previous posts, how after having intimacy with your husband he have saw you with hate or indiference when you had such a nice time the night before, this is totally normal to BSs, you maybe you are not reconciling yet (although you have good odds) but many of your interpersonal and intimacy interactions are those from people reconciling, so your husaband is also reacting as someone who is in the process of reconcilation.

 

for example, when you smiled at him (after intimacy) and he triggered and saw you with hate and then you asked what did I do wrong he probably thought "you f*cked another man that is what you did wrong" (even if he didn't said it), also when you recently had intimacy with him and the next day he become cold, is probably because he keep realizing that even if his principles keep telling him that he have to detach from you, he keep being pulled to you (which is good for you)

 

in those moments, your best reaction is just saying how sorry you aare and how much you love him (without asking anything)

 

let me put in the next post the fall out reactions and process of healing (if achive to engage him for R)

[manticore]

so final comment for today.

 

this is a post created in another fórum that helps to see the WS side in the process of reconcilation, I hope you find it useful:

 

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

 

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

 

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

 

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

 

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

 

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

 

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

 

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

 

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

 

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

 

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

 

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

 

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

 

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

 

Your first mission is to learn.

 

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through

this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.

Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

 

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

 

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

 

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

 

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

 

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

 

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

 

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

 

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

 

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

 

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

 

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

 

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

 

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”

Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

 

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

 

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

 

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

 

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

 

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

 

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

 

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

 

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

 

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

 

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

 

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

 

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

 

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

 

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

 

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

 

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

 

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

 

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

 

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

 

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

 

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

 

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

 

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

 

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

 

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

 

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

 

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect

moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most

comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

 

A statement of gratitude.

 

An expression of your love.

 

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

 

An admission that you caused their pain.

 

An expression of your sense of shame.

 

A promise that it will never happen again

 

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

 

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

 

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care

for others.

 

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

 

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They

begin exploring new involvements.

 

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

 

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

 

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

 

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!

[Sofie2013]

To be honest, you are indeed correct, you really should of never refused in the first place. I'm not even going to get into the legalities of ownership or anything, but the rings represent the marriage right? You broke those vows, so I feel he had the right to ask for it back. I think you should of just given it to him when he asked, how long ago was this?

 

For me you refusing to give them back would of been a sign you weren't really respecting how I was feeling and how badly your actions had hurt me. I am not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to make you understand the effect this action might of had on your husband. The way you act after an affair can be crucial to whether or not the person divorces you.

 

 

 

 

 

Part of the reason why I didn’t want to give them back was because he already destroyed his prior to asking for mine. So I knew he was planning on doing the same to my rings too. This happened a few months ago while he was still living with me and the kids.

 

I understand what the ring stand and represent. I did break those vows. You can whatever you want about this previous 2 years of marriage but that’s doesn’t change the happiness we brought each other. For those 10 years we did make each other happy and to me that still holds value tremendous value those rings represent.

 

I can understand how by me not giving them back could be seen as me not respecting the way he was feeling, the pain and how actions affected and hurt him. But this hasn’t be easy in me either I still hurt and feel the same pain. I know it does not compare to the way he’s feeling. I’m losing everything and the only thing left is those memories and those rings hold some of most important memories to me. I couldn’t just let me destroy that. I still don’t want to give them back but you’re right I don’t have a right to keep them.

[anne1707]

I think Sophie that rather than just give him the rings back, you explain that you would rather keep them because of what they mean to you yet would understand and respect his wishes if he wanted them back.

[Sofie2013]

I think Sophie that rather than just give him the rings back, you explain that you would rather keep them because of what they mean to you yet would understand and respect his wishes if he wanted them back.

 

Yeah I was going to do something similar. My plan was to explain to him why I didn’t want to give him the rings. Then offer them to him and if he want them then I will give them to him if not I will keep them.

[Sofie2013]

My husband just came to pick up the kids. We did sit together and talk we really didn’t say much most just sat there for at least half an hour. I tried to talk but all I wanted to do was cry. We end just sitting their staring at each other. He did give me a kiss before he left with the kids. As soon as he left I ran to my bedroom and stared crying I feel so alone. I never felt this alone before I literally feel like I have nothing left.