anne1707 Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 (((Hugs)))Sofie . I just wish I could do that for real. In spite of the flak you get from some here, there are plenty who are rooting for you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 My husband just came to pick up the kids. We did sit together and talk we really didn’t say much most just sat there for at least half an hour. I tried to talk but all I wanted to do was cry. We end just sitting their staring at each other. He did give me a kiss before he left with the kids. As soon as he left I ran to my bedroom and stared crying I feel so alone. I never felt this alone before I literally feel like I have nothing left. Sofie, One thing I have learned in life, the things most worth doing are always the hardest to do. Don't give up, it's not over until it's over. I will bet everything that he is doing the same thing when he goes home, I will bet he has done a lot of crying and is just as confused as you. I will bet he feels just as alone when the kids are with you. Always have hope, you will still be a family, just not sure what it will look like. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Just chiming in. I think it's your right to keep the rings, but it's a sign of your love and respect if you offer to turn them over. I think your plan that you mentioned is a good one. Sounds like emotion was running too high to pull it off just yet. That's ok. You're human. He's been coming back to you regardless of the ring thing so I wouldn't sweat it. He might change his mind. My ex would barely even wear her rings...and when we decided to divorce she locked them away like I was going to steal them. I wore mine until I finally attorneyed up and filed for divorce when our initial mediation failed. I never wanted her rings. I thought her parading around like a single available woman was dis-respectful of me and of all guys around her. You and my ex, day/night. I'm glad anne is here. From what I know of her, she probably is one of the best people to talk to right now. btw, I've stopped reading other threads here since New Years. They stir too much anger up in me, but I still check in to see how you are doing. You are still making those inroads. Keep up the good work. I know it's hard. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 My husband just came to pick up the kids. We did sit together and talk we really didn’t say much most just sat there for at least half an hour. I tried to talk but all I wanted to do was cry. We end just sitting their staring at each other. He did give me a kiss before he left with the kids. As soon as he left I ran to my bedroom and stared crying I feel so alone. I never felt this alone before I literally feel like I have nothing left. Sophie, I think your H still loves you very much, but he can't deal with R this very moment. I have a feeling this still will happen and he will come around. You have to keep trying. communication and family dates should somehow continue and this will help in R a lot! I also think the rings, the D and everything else are symbolisms to him. It's almost like a parent punishing a child. He loves the child but must teach him a lesson. To that add the ego ting, but this one you can help heal with your actions. I think only time will help this situation. You must not waver. don't give up.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Hi Sophie, Hang in there. There is no doubt that this is going to be difficult for all concerned. You are going to have bouts of depression and need to prepare yourself to deal with this. The divorce seems inevitable now and may or may not be the end of the relationship. No one can really predict what is going to happen and what is going through your husband's mind. We can only guess by what we have experienced and by what you have told us. In any case you need to prepare yourself for the worst but hope for the best. Start working on yourself physically as well as mentally. You appear to be a strong woman and I am sure that you will make it, whatever the outcome. On the other hand, I very much agree with what tiredofitall2 has said. He appears to love you and we can see that you love him. That is a great start for the situation you are in right now. He will probably still want to do the following: - try and make you feel the pain that he did - try and reclaim you for his own - possibly play the field/have rebound or revenge sex with others - wait to see if you still continue to pursue him/be faithful to him I think you should set yourself a time limit after which, in the interests of yourself and your children, you need to move on - but it can be after a fairly long time (whatever you feel comfortable with). I would say continue with what you are doing while taking care of yourself too. Good luck and don't forget to encourage him to take you with him to Brasil! Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 Sofie, I will bet everything that he is doing the same thing when he goes home, I will bet he has done a lot of crying and is just as confused as you. I will bet he feels just as alone when the kids are with you. In all likelihood, he feels a lot worse because he's not the one who cheated. He was on the receiving end of that sh*t sandwich Sofie served As for her, she has a right to pursue happiness in her future. That happiness just won't involve her BS. Time for both of you to move on Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 In all likelihood, he feels a lot worse because he's not the one who cheated. He was on the receiving end of that sh*t sandwich Sofie served As for her, she has a right to pursue happiness in her future. That happiness just won't involve her BS. Time for both of you to move on Err, my dear fellow, can you explain why they should move on? Why shouldn't they Not Move On? Why can't they reunite after a year? Why shouldn't she keep on trying to win him over? Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 OP, I am so sorry you are having such tears. This thread just breaks my heart because it is so obvious to us that you two still love each other and you have two lovely children. Big hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 In all likelihood, he feels a lot worse because he's not the one who cheated. He was on the receiving end of that sh*t sandwich Sofie served As for her, she has a right to pursue happiness in her future. That happiness just won't involve her BS. Time for both of you to move on When did you get cheated on? Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 When did you get cheated on? No need to attack someone for having an opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 This has been a long and difficult journey, especially for Sophie, whose journey it is. Sophie is at a crisis point right now with her divorce likely becoming final sometime this week. After that, who knows, but we can hope for her and her sake. A long journey generates a long thread. It now has almost one THOUSAND comments. Some few posters have been here all along. Others have dropped by the wayside. And still others have joined along the way. Over this period almost every possible question has been asked, almost every possible reaction has been mentioned, and almost every possible answer has been given. The strain on Sophie is considerable and she's managed it with a great deal of grace. It is really improper to drop in NOW and tell her rather upsetting things such as if you were her betrayed spouse you'd toss her to the curb, ban her from your life, and on and on and on. All that has been covered. Now is the time to be encouraging and it is the time to let Sophie know that we will be here for her. And newcomers, PLEASE at least skim Sophie's posts in this thread before posting. It is the only polite thing to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fallingdown2013 Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Sophie, I'm really sorry that you're feeling so sad. Your husband was surely heartbroken by your affair, but you didn't intentionally hurt him. You simply became complacent and chose not to think about the consequences of your actions. You still strike me as a good person, who is deserving of sympathy. You already know that it may take months, even years, for you to regain your husband's trust. The divorce itself should have no bearing on the process of you winning back your husband. Hope can make life worth living and no one can label your situation as "false hope" with any certainty. When you offer to give your rings back, you should already know what you want to say. The moment will be very emotional and you don't want to regret what was, or wasn't, said. Also, you never know when your husband may one day ask you more questions about the affair, seemingly out of nowhere. Questions like, "Why did you have the affair?", or "How can I trust that you won't cheat again?". Based on your previous comments, I don't think he has asked these types of questions, but if he ever does, you definitely don't want to give him the convoluted answers that you posted in this thread. With us, you mentioned that you don't know why you had the affair and so you need to create boundaries for yourself to make future cheating impossible... This answer is very weak and may push him away again. I won't suggest what you should say, but he must feel that you know with absolute certainty that this sort of thing will never happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Alls well that ends well it would seem. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 why they should move on? He's filing for divorce...that's a pretty good reason to move on Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 He's filing for divorce...that's a pretty good reason to move on I suppose, if one considers nothing else about the bigger picture and treats the divorce as an isolated, black-and-white event that can only ever mean one thing, irrespective of the current context of the situation. Yeah, in that case it's a pretty good reason. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 it's a pretty good reason. I know mane Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 HE should do whatever HE feels is best because it is HIS marriage and HIS wife. That is the thing that seems to get lost a lot of times on forums. These people aren't stand-ins for our own issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Share Posted February 10, 2014 My weekend went ok. Did breakdown a few times. I did go out with my sister and we did have fun. We went shopping and to a few art galleries in the city. I did have a good time with my sister and we really spend that much time anymore she always busy with work so it was nice to be able to spend some time with her. I tried to get my mind off of the divorce and everything else that’s going on and for the most part it did work. The little things seem to set me off like when I was walking down the mall I saw a couple walking with their daughter the 3 of them looked so happy when I saw them I ran to the closest rest room and cried lucky my sister was with me. Now I seem to notice things like that all over the place. It’s like everything I see is a constant reminder of what I’m going to lose and I hate it. On a bright note I do have co-parenting session with my husband. We didn’t have one last week because of the weather. I plan to give him the rings today after the session and maybe we could talk a bit well at least I’m hoping Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted February 10, 2014 Share Posted February 10, 2014 Yes I agree. We are here to give Sophie the best possible advice since it is she that has come here for help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 I went to co-parenting with my husband. It went very well actually I was surprised by how it went. At first we mostly talked about the kids but my counselor asked how we both felt about the divorce he didn’t answer but I did. We went on to talk about the marriage and the problems we had not about the affair. He stated a few things that he wasn’t happy about. I also told him things wished he would have done. We both agreed the marriage wasn’t at its strongest but we both would have wanted it to work and we both did love each other. He actually said the words. Obviously I was happy when he said that it felt like all the pressures was lifted off my shoulders. I was at the point where I really didn’t know so to hear him say it like heaven to my ears. After the counseling session I asked him we could go talk. So we went to a café close by. I told I wanted to give him the rings back if he still wanted them. I also told him I was sorry for not giving them and my reason why. He told me I could keep them if I wanted too. We stayed and talked some more but it was more as friends. We flirted a little bit and took walk around the city. We probably could have hung out the whole if we could but he need to go back to work and to take care of the kids. We have been texting throughout the day. SO it was a good And the divorce it still going to happen Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 I went to co-parenting with my husband. It went very well actually I was surprised by how it went. At first we mostly talked about the kids but my counselor asked how we both felt about the divorce he didn’t answer but I did. We went on to talk about the marriage and the problems we had not about the affair. He stated a few things that he wasn’t happy about. I also told him things wished he would have done. We both agreed the marriage wasn’t at its strongest but we both would have wanted it to work and we both did love each other. He actually said the words. Obviously I was happy when he said that it felt like all the pressures was lifted off my shoulders. I was at the point where I really didn’t know so to hear him say it like heaven to my ears. After the counseling session I asked him we could go talk. So we went to a café close by. I told I wanted to give him the rings back if he still wanted them. I also told him I was sorry for not giving them and my reason why. He told me I could keep them if I wanted too. We stayed and talked some more but it was more as friends. We flirted a little bit and took walk around the city. We probably could have hung out the whole if we could but he need to go back to work and to take care of the kids. We have been texting throughout the day. SO it was a good And the divorce it still going to happen Hang in there Sophie! We are here for you! Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Sophie, I think that him knowing that the D is still going to happen is like a safety blanket for him - it gives him the comfort to hang out with you and express his feelings for you - which is a good thing. Keep going and remember to take care of yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 (edited) The other way to look at the divorce, Sophie, is that maybe it's a symbolic cleansing. I know going through with a divorce is a really big deal, but the whole situation is a traumatically big deal, so it kinda matches that he'd be looking at a big ritual to symbolize change, of whatever kind is coming next. Sometimes, a couple deals with infidelity by just kind of waiting it out until they can get back to feeling like things are back to normal (this is personal experience talking here...) trying to keep everything just the same and not make any changes and not rock the boat. In our case, in retrospect, I think this allowed us to avoid really, truly dealing with the situation and its foundations, and I believe we missed a chance to do some real healing and building, which eventually came back to bite us. I agree with miguel about it being a kind of a security blanket, and it almost seems to me to be a kind of a ritualistic cleansing as well. Burn the thing to the ground - not necessarily out of a completely hostile intention, but more like the forest fire that needs to roast the pine cones and clear the underbrush in order for new growth to take seed and thrive. We sometimes have this need to cleanse - to clear things away - to wash off symbolically. This has been a big trauma, and your husband may require a big symbol to "clean off" before he can move froward. I don't want to blow pixiedust and shine starlight up your butt and make it sound like everything is OK and it's going to be easy, but maybe this is the flame that makes the ash from which the Phoenix can arise, if you have the energy, the heart, the stamina, and the dedication for the journey. Edited February 11, 2014 by Trimmer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 (edited) Sofie, this is just about saving face, who is he doing this for? Is there still a live parent on his side? Who would put this type of pressure on him? Would you be comfortable writing that person an apology letter? After that you have my approval to shoulder shake him hard and then slap him repeatedly on each side of his head. Edited February 11, 2014 by aliveagain Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Sofie, this is just about saving face, who is he doing this for? Is there still a live parent on his side? Who would put this type of pressure on him? Would you be comfortable writing that person an apology letter? After that you have my approval to shoulder shake him hard and then slap him repeatedly on each side of his head. I'm confused by your post? Where did sophie say her H was doing something to save face? Link to post Share on other sites
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