Trimmer Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 (edited) Sofie, this is just about saving face, who is he doing this for? Is there still a live parent on his side? Who would put this type of pressure on him? Would you be comfortable writing that person an apology letter? After that you have my approval to shoulder shake him hard and then slap him repeatedly on each side of his head. Why can't he be doing it for himself? Why assume he's doing it under outside pressure? I wish I had had the strength to do that when I went through this, years ago - it might have shaken things up and catalyzed some real change in my own life and marriage. If he's proving anything to anyone, it may be for himself. I see it as a ritual cleansing, a sign of strength to have the guts to tear down the walls before rebuilding - a willingness to shake things up before moving forward. I hope he does go through with it, but not with that kind of vicious unspoken undercurrent of "because Sofie deserves to hurt, too" - I simply think they could both benefit from a shakeup and a wake-up. I wouldn't encourage Sofie to assume he's so weak that he is caving under some kind of outside pressure, nor that he (or their potential reconciliation) would benefit from her metaphorically slapping him around - exactly what point would she be presuming to drive home in that exercise? She - and their relationship - might better benefit by remaining open to the possible gifts a shakeup and a fresh start might bring, if they do embark on a new journey together. "Slapping him around" at this point just doesn't seem like the right thing in the current context of their situation. Edited February 11, 2014 by Trimmer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 I wouldn't assume he is weak either. No matter what he decides. Sure, it can "look" strong to choose to be angry, bitter, and withered for the rest of one's life and sign up to forums for the sole purpose of beating one's chest, using every WW as a proxy for their own, and measuring appendages....but that's really more pathetic than strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 Sofie, this is just about saving face, who is he doing this for? Is there still a live parent on his side? Who would put this type of pressure on him? Would you be comfortable writing that person an apology letter? After that you have my approval to shoulder shake him hard and then slap him repeatedly on each side of his head. He really doesn’t have any family he speaks to besides his brother. The only person who holds any kind influence over him is his brother. I think Trimmer is right in that my husband is doing it for him self I don’t think shaking him and slapping would be a good idea LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 About her husband going ahead with the divorce -- it's about leveling the scales of Justice. I understand her husband. I couldn't divorce my cheating H, so I did the next best thing and leveled the playing field by having an affair of my own (after his dozen affairs in the first 21 years of our marriage). In retrospect, I wish I had just divorced him - that would have been better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 About her husband going ahead with the divorce -- it's about leveling the scales of Justice. I understand her husband. I couldn't divorce my cheating H, so I did the next best thing and leveled the playing field by having an affair of my own (after his dozen affairs in the first 21 years of our marriage). In retrospect, I wish I had just divorced him - that would have been better. I would rather my husband divorce me then have revenge affair. I do agree divorce is a much better option the having another affair it would just make thing worse. I hope you guys are doing better now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Like most of you know I have been looking for a job. I still haven’t been able to find one. Well received BIL (my husband brother) that if I was still looking for a job to call him. I haven’t called him yet mostly because I don’t know if it’s a good idea to ask him for help. I don’t know if my husband asked him but I doubt. I kind want to say yes since I need a job. I think I might just be over thinking things. do you guys think it’s a good idea Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Like most of you know I have been looking for a job. I still haven’t been able to find one. Well received BIL (my husband brother) that if I was still looking for a job to call him. I haven’t called him yet mostly because I don’t know if it’s a good idea to ask him for help. I don’t know if my husband asked him but I doubt. I kind want to say yes since I need a job. I think I might just be over thinking things. do you guys think it’s a good idea Unless you want no further relationship with your H then why not? The more ties you have to him and his family the better it looks for reconciliation. If things for whatever reason didn't work out or he started dating and you wanted out you could always look for something else, but at least you would be making some money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Unless you want no further relationship with your H then why not? The more ties you have to him and his family the better it looks for reconciliation. If things for whatever reason didn't work out or he started dating and you wanted out you could always look for something else, but at least you would be making some money. I agree. If I recall correctly, your BIL has been friendly to you all along. Having a job will help your mood tremendously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Ask your stbxh. It will show you care about his feelings, are Ready to be 100% honest with him and show you value his opinion. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Like most of you know I have been looking for a job. I still haven’t been able to find one. Well received BIL (my husband brother) that if I was still looking for a job to call him. I haven’t called him yet mostly because I don’t know if it’s a good idea to ask him for help. I don’t know if my husband asked him but I doubt. I kind want to say yes since I need a job. I think I might just be over thinking things. do you guys think it’s a good idea Yes it is a good idea. And I agree with what tiredofitall, Sidney and fluttershy have said. Consult your stbxh - all this shows that they care for you and you for them - cannot see why that is bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Well I found out it was my sister who asked my BIL for help. I talked her last night and told me he could help get a job quicker. I plan to call my husband and ask him. Part if the reason why I was put off by his offer was he just isn’t kind of guy to offer help out of nowhere. I’m even kind of surprised by how helpful he has been. At first I thought he was going to be one of the biggest against us trying to reconcile. So far I think he would like to see us to get together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 As I said, it is good to know that you have a sister that you can turn to for support and who is looking out for you. By the way, what did she think of your affair ? What kind of advice has she given you ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 As I said, it is good to know that you have a sister that you can turn to for support and who is looking out for you. By the way, what did she think of your affair ? What kind of advice has she given you ? Well my oldest sister obviously was very disappointed with me. She was hurt by my affair. Even though I never lied to her directly she still felt betrayed. I and two sisters are extremely close we tell each other most everything so the fact a kept something like an affair hidden from them they took it as me lying to them. None of them really give me any advice. My oldest sister has never been married or had any kind of long-term serious relationship. She really didn’t know what me and my husband where going through. I will say this if my affair has done anything it help my youngest sister marriage. I think my affair and divorce has shocked the both of them into actually looking into their own marriage and making stronger bond. They even stared going to couple counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 I called my husband and told about his brother offering to help me find a job. I didn’t have a problem with my BIL helping. So I called my brother and asked if he could help and he said yes he just wanted to speak to me first. Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 I called my husband and told about his brother offering to help me find a job. I didn’t have a problem with my BIL helping. So I called my brother and asked if he could help and he said yes he just wanted to speak to me first. Something is confused here, but I assume that your husband said OK and your BIL is willing to help. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 The other way to look at the divorce, Sophie, is that maybe it's a symbolic cleansing. Sofie, this is just about saving face About her husband going ahead with the divorce -- it's about leveling the scales of Justice. I have a simpler explanation...maybe OP's husband is one of those people who doesn't want to stay married to someone who's cheated on him ...maybe he's a decisive guy who commits to his decisions, and no amount of cajoling by OP will weaken his resolve 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I have a simpler explanation...maybe OP's husband is one of those people who doesn't want to stay married to someone who's cheated on him ...maybe he's a decisive guy who commits to his decisions, and no amount of cajoling by OP will weaken his resolve I assume that you've read the entire thread. I feel that your conclusion isn't right. Why? Because of the way Sophie's H has acted. The coparent their children and are seeing a counselor about that. Over time their relationship has not only been kept alive, but they've been out together a number of times and he's seemed to enjoy himself. In fact he seems to often take advantage of Sophie's willingness to spend time with her. So in my opinion his actions don't seem typical of a person "who doesn't want to stay married to someone who's cheated on him". I do agree that there seems to be a fair amount of pride involved on her husband's part but I'd not be surprised if they come out of this still together one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 Something is confused here, but I assume that your husband said OK and your BIL is willing to help. Right? Yes my husband was ok with. That was what I meant to say Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 Well tomorrow is the day I will be official divorce. I can’t really sleep so I have been looking at our old wedding pictures. I’m not as sad as I thought I would be. It’s kind of bittersweet we had our own fair share of problems like any other couple but we had a lot of fun together. He was always able to bring out that wilder side and would be to make me do thing I usually wouldn’t. He introduced so many new things something I probably wouldn’t have tried id it wasn’t for him. I really help like he brought out the best in me. I’m sad that tomorrow it’s going to end I hope one day we can be with each other again. I will always have happy memories about our marriage and time we shared I hope he does too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I have a simpler explanation...maybe OP's husband is one of those people who doesn't want to stay married to someone who's cheated on him ...maybe he's a decisive guy who commits to his decisions, and no amount of cajoling by OP will weaken his resolve That's a fair possibility. Good that you threw it in the ring with the others. Although if that's the case, then it would appear to be some kind of a paperwork decision about staying "technically" married, because for being a decisive guy who commits to his decisions, he continues to engage actively with her, not only as parents, but with the two of them alone together, in a way that strongly implies the possibility of a continued spousal partnership, whether technically married "on paper" or not. And that would certainly be his prerogative to continue an unmarried partnership outside just the parental one, if that helps him to put it all into place. So if it were, as you say, that he is solidly decisive about not staying married to her, it doesn't seem consistent that he's continuing to experiment - apparently favorably - with acting married to her. It's certainly understandable in the big picture, but it doesn't fit with the image of your decisive, committed guy, who will stand no amount of cajoling intended to cause him to vary course. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Very sad, we take for granted what is in front of our eyes than we will do anything to get it back when it is gone. Did his infidelity happen before you married? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 Very sad, we take for granted what is in front of our eyes than we will do anything to get it back when it is gone. Did his infidelity happen before you married? It is very sad, the saying “you never know what you got till it's gone’’ is very true and I’m learning it the hard way. His infidelity happened before marriage Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Sophie, at the risk of sounding philosophical here, life is full of beginnings and endings and often, in the final reckoning, its the merits of the journey from beginning to ending that matters. You started this phase of this particular journey the day you dated going on to be married, having fun, having misery, having kids, a job, ups and downs, triumphs and failures, an affair and now divorce. Its good that you can look back at this journey and say that in the find reckoning, you will remember the happiness and fun. You must now prepare for and look forward to the next phase. Make him want to be part of that journey too by being the best you can be. Learn from what went wrong and make use of what worked and went right. You know that there will be ups and downs, just be better prepared for them. You are blessed with children that both of you love. You obviously care for each other although you have hurt each other. The upside is you both have learnt from this. This, in my opinion is a good way to begin your next journey. I do hope that your husband becomes part of that because if he does not, you both will always look back and wonder what if. As always, I am hoping that this works out for the best, and he too can be a better man when making his decisions. A better man would have the insight and vision to see that you are truly sorry and do love him above all others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kate9292 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I'm sorry to hear you are divorcing. From what you said you may had your flaws as a couple but you were great together. I hope he sees that too. I hope one day you'll be back together. If he insists on not being back, I think he'll be very sorry one day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 The courthouse we were supposed to finalize is closed. My husband called me a few minutes telling me it was closed due to the weather. So I guess the divorce is going to take it little longer. My husband did ask if he could come over and spend some time with the kids. I told he could if he wanted to. I did tell to be careful if he decided to come. Link to post Share on other sites
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