Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[AlwaysGrowing]

infidelity is here too stay anyone disagreeing must be in there 60's! The chances of infidelity is greater than 60% after 12 years of marriage.

 

yes I cheated and was caught now on the advice of a moral counselor he adviced me to come clean. No it only angered my ex, listening to graphic details.

 

Then I remarried and cheated again and was caught. Same scenario and another divorce, got married a third time and cheated again, because I like attention I love it when people tell me that I am beautiful plus the sex that comes along with it. However unlike the previous times I denied the affair and our marriage is stronger. I still sleep with my sons best friend something's never change.

 

 

If ones goal is to have affairs, then you do have lots of real life long experience to share.

 

If however, one is looking to stop the destructive behaviour, then the process is different.

[sidney2718]

infidelity is here too stay anyone disagreeing must be in there 60's! The chances of infidelity is greater than 60% after 12 years of marriage.

 

yes I cheated and was caught now on the advice of a moral counselor he adviced me to come clean. No it only angered my ex, listening to graphic details.

 

Then I remarried and cheated again and was caught. Same scenario and another divorce, got married a third time and cheated again, because I like attention I love it when people tell me that I am beautiful plus the sex that comes along with it. However unlike the previous times I denied the affair and our marriage is stronger. I still sleep with my sons best friend something's never change.

 

A dose of cold water reality for many of us...

[Hornylildevil]

infidelity is here too stay anyone disagreeing must be in there 60's! The chances of infidelity is greater than 60% after 12 years of marriage.

 

yes I cheated and was caught now on the advice of a moral counselor he adviced me to come clean. No it only angered my ex, listening to graphic details.

 

Then I remarried and cheated again and was caught. Same scenario and another divorce, got married a third time and cheated again, because I like attention I love it when people tell me that I am beautiful plus the sex that comes along with it. However unlike the previous times I denied the affair and our marriage is stronger. I still sleep with my sons best friend something's never change.

 

I'm too much of a gentleman and I don't want to get banned so I won't say what I think of you. You can probably guess, anyway. I DESPISE cheaters. Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is looking. Enough said...

[BHsigh]

infidelity is here too stay anyone disagreeing must be in there 60's! The chances of infidelity is greater than 60% after 12 years of marriage.

 

yes I cheated and was caught now on the advice of a moral counselor he adviced me to come clean. No it only angered my ex, listening to graphic details.

 

Then I remarried and cheated again and was caught. Same scenario and another divorce, got married a third time and cheated again, because I like attention I love it when people tell me that I am beautiful plus the sex that comes along with it. However unlike the previous times I denied the affair and our marriage is stronger. I still sleep with my sons best friend something's never change.

 

Just the fact that you willingly chose to stop being honest over not having an affair tells us all we need to know about you as a person. You also reinforce my decision to never seek out another relationship ever again.

 

Sophie, it's a good thing that you are too much of a good woman to be like that.

[janedoe67]

Ssbc, not to be indelicate, but simply put, Sophie has more character than you do. Therefore, she has chosen a different course.

[peruano99]

The divorce is going to happen I know that for a fact but that doesn’t mean I can’t still try to reconcile. I just want us to be together I would like us to stay married but honestly I don’t really care I just want us together and to be a family again.

 

 

I agree counseling won’t provide us complete closure about the infidelity that took place. When It comes to the actually affair I think we would have to work on that separate. He wondering what he could have done to prevent me form having affair or could he have done something differently or who knows what. I have told he could have done nothing and it was all on me and it really had very little to do with him. Whether he believes me or not is up to him. Then you have me who still trying to figure out how and why I could be so selfish and have an affair. Those question we will have to figure out on our own. I still it can help talk about the issue with both have or had in the marriage and help reconnect in so way. If he does agree to counseling it means he

 

Best of luck to you and your husband.

[peruano99]

infidelity is here too stay anyone disagreeing must be in there 60's! The chances of infidelity is greater than 60% after 12 years of marriage.

 

yes I cheated and was caught now on the advice of a moral counselor he adviced me to come clean. No it only angered my ex, listening to graphic details.

 

Then I remarried and cheated again and was caught. Same scenario and another divorce, got married a third time and cheated again, because I like attention I love it when people tell me that I am beautiful plus the sex that comes along with it. However unlike the previous times I denied the affair and our marriage is stronger. I still sleep with my sons best friend something's never change.

 

I hope this isn't a serious reply........

[BeholdtheMan]

Sofie the CIA has 3 rules while under interrogation they are the following 1.Deny 2.Deny 3.Deny.

 

maybe you should keep this strategy in mind for future gaming. I'm not sure if chasing him will work. I think that a latin lover is the pursuer this you know full well.

 

Ladies and gentlemen,

 

the Jason Bourne of cheating...

[Sofie2013]

My husband has agreed to marriage counseling with me not completely. He came by and dropped of the twins. He stayed and helped me put them to sleep after that we both went down stairs. Before he left I asked if he was willing to talk about us tomorrow with our counselor since we have co-parenting tomorrow. I also told him I just wanted to talk and I knew if he agreed it didn’t change anything and I thought it could help us move forward and maybe provide some kind of closure. At first he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go or really do any kind of MC with me. I told it was fine I was only asking and we could keep only about the kids if that’s what he wanted. He told he would think about and would let me know tomorrow. I give him a hug and he left. A few minutes ago I received a text from him saying we could talk about us tomorrow if I still wanted to just for tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it we have 8am tomorrow hopefully this leads to something else.

[peruano99]

My husband has agreed to marriage counseling with me not completely. He came by and dropped of the twins. He stayed and helped me put them to sleep after that we both went down stairs. Before he left I asked if he was willing to talk about us tomorrow with our counselor since we have co-parenting tomorrow. I also told him I just wanted to talk and I knew if he agreed it didn’t change anything and I thought it could help us move forward and maybe provide some kind of closure. At first he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go or really do any kind of MC with me. I told it was fine I was only asking and we could keep only about the kids if that’s what he wanted. He told he would think about and would let me know tomorrow. I give him a hug and he left. A few minutes ago I received a text from him saying we could talk about us tomorrow if I still wanted to just for tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it we have 8am tomorrow hopefully this leads to something else.

 

Wish you two the best, one question...is your husband a tan Hispanic or a white Hispanic? Sorry to ask.

[Sofie2013]

yeah we'll your condemnation isn't going to change reality. It took me years to accept myself, my significant other provides for me in ways like responsibility providing a home for our kids. The other day on Facebook there was an ad asking for a male babysitter " must like skiing and my kids as well as me" I identity with much of it. Except I really do care about my S.O that being said sex between us is alot of sex without any orgasm. still our conversations are deep, we travel together and do so many couple things. Yet anxiety is a result of a lack of good orgasm. When together with my son's best friend having sex. I become a much better spouse, more patient and altruistic caring less about my needs. People like to be around me and we are invited over for BBQ and other events. However this wouldn't be possible without my lover. As far as my parenting goes the kids are well adjusted its a win win situation for everyone. My spouse doesn't know about it so how does it affect him to the contrary. For an example our daughter is beautiful my spouse brags about her to every one yet she is sired from another person. Wouldn't it be cruel to brake the happiness with " being open"? Tell me where's the gain? As of today our marriage is strong so much so that for our anniversary we're taking a cruise. I guess ignorance truly is bliss.

 

You have some serious problems and you really need help the fact you think what you are doing is ok is mind boggling. It seem like you have zero respect for any one and you only care for yourself. The fact you choice to have an affair with your own sons friend shows how little you care about them. Do you even stop to think how this could affect him or your daughter what happens one day by chance she finds her father isn’t her really father

[Salvatore85]

yeah we'll your condemnation isn't going to change reality. It took me years to accept myself, my significant other provides for me in ways like responsibility providing a home for our kids. The other day on Facebook there was an ad asking for a male babysitter " must like skiing and my kids as well as me" I identity with much of it. Except I really do care about my S.O that being said sex between us is alot of sex without any orgasm. still our conversations are deep, we travel together and do so many couple things. Yet anxiety is a result of a lack of good orgasm. When together with my son's best friend having sex. I become a much better spouse, more patient and altruistic caring less about my needs. People like to be around me and we are invited over for BBQ and other events. However this wouldn't be possible without my lover. As far as my parenting goes the kids are well adjusted its a win win situation for everyone. My spouse doesn't know about it so how does it affect him to the contrary. For an example our daughter is beautiful my spouse brags about her to every one yet she is sired from another person. Wouldn't it be cruel to brake the happiness with " being open"? Tell me where's the gain? As of today our marriage is strong so much so that for our anniversary we're taking a cruise. I guess ignorance truly is bliss.

 

Of course you're invited over for bbqs, you're probably banging that guy too...

[veritas lux mea]

yeah we'll your condemnation isn't going to change reality. It took me years to accept myself, my significant other provides for me in ways like responsibility providing a home for our kids. The other day on Facebook there was an ad asking for a male babysitter " must like skiing and my kids as well as me" I identity with much of it. Except I really do care about my S.O that being said sex between us is alot of sex without any orgasm. still our conversations are deep, we travel together and do so many couple things. Yet anxiety is a result of a lack of good orgasm. When together with my son's best friend having sex. I become a much better spouse, more patient and altruistic caring less about my needs. People like to be around me and we are invited over for BBQ and other events. However this wouldn't be possible without my lover. As far as my parenting goes the kids are well adjusted its a win win situation for everyone. My spouse doesn't know about it so how does it affect him to the contrary. For an example our daughter is beautiful my spouse brags about her to every one yet she is sired from another person. Wouldn't it be cruel to brake the happiness with " being open"? Tell me where's the gain? As of today our marriage is strong so much so that for our anniversary we're taking a cruise. I guess ignorance truly is bliss.

 

Your story is a poorly writ erotic fiction. There are tons of MILF ones. I'm sure I can find this one.

[Sofie2013]

Wish you two the best, one question...is your husband a tan Hispanic or a white Hispanic? Sorry to ask.

 

does it really matter, but to answer your question he’s a light tan.

[Salvatore85]

I love both of them and if my daughter should find out than that's the risk I take however I can't see how she would ever discover the truth.

 

it's obvious that your affair was like mine and no I'm not here to criticize but I am here for support.

 

love is definitely not predicated to one person after all it's possible to love two people at once. Guess that was true in your case. Obvious that you were emotionally attached to your lover as well as to your H.

 

I don't know? From the bit that I've read you seem like a pretty crappy person. She, on the other hand seems like someone who realized she made a major mistake and wants to do anything she can to make up for it. I wouldn't go about comparing the two of you...

[anne1707]

Ssbc

 

If you want to tell your story then you need to start your own thread. This is Sofie's thread, not yours and if you take it off topic, it may be closed down which is not fair on Sofie and everybody here who is trying to help her.

[BeholdtheMan]

My spouse doesn't know about it so how does it affect him to the contrary.

...so you'd be OK with him betraying you behind your back as long as you don't know about it?

 

I guess ignorance truly is bliss.

It's clear that the concept of integrity doesn't resonate with you. For those of us who do value integrity, one of our greatest challenges is to recognise people like you and steer clear

[Zimber]

A betrayed partner should be able to give a second chance. Unfortunately, he / she will likely be capable of one in a lifetime and not for each partner.

 

I was able to forgive my ex the first time, but not the second (or sadly my new relationship wouldn't get a second chance).

 

It's one of the most painful things in the world for a person to get over. You must be patient and if you get him back, you will likely have to open yourself up to him completely (no secrets, passwords, and very very strong boundaries and rules regarding the opposite sex).

 

I admit I didn't read your 73 pages of thread here. One because it would make me too sad, and second, I just didn't have the time this morning.

 

I can only advise you on what would have made it easier for me to get over when I gave ex a second chance (mentioned above).

 

You should open yourself up (he will need to snoop until he gains trust again).

You should understand how this happened ... you let it. Light flirtation can make you feel hot / sexy / alive, but when you allow yourself to take part in it, you will stop thinking about your partner. It's nature, you can't fight it. The first stage of a relationship is a monster, the later stages cannot compete with the lure of the first stage if you allowed yourself to go there.

You should not be hanging out for drinks with the boys after work. Of if you really should for networking, invite the spouse.

You should not allow yourself to have intimate conversations with men. This is work right? Keep personal for friends and family.

 

And for goodness sakes, beware! There are players everywhere and websites dedicated to teaching men how to push the buttons of a married woman. In the old days, a women would see a player and turn him away because she knew he was no good for her. Beware the ego in the future.

 

The purpose of my little sermon there was not to communicate my views and judgment, but rather to illustrate the principal and moral direction that had my ex considered, communicated and followed, I would not had suffered so much in the 2 or 3 years it took to trust her again.

 

If you don't agree with these principals ... maybe you should ask yourself if you really want a traditional marriage.

I've lectured a male friend in a similar fashion who was flirting uncontrollably at work ... if you there, you've already started to separate from your partner and have made yourself vulnerable.

 

I'm not sure why the following website is down, but I have linked a cached version. I was pretty impressed with the young ladies direction.

The link... Boundaries: No One Is Above An Affair - Good Women Project

 

Again, sorry for not reading the 73 pages for it would likely bother me. I do hope you can work things out though! Just communicate openly to your husband. If it's nothing but ... oops, won't do it again, that is not enough!

 

Zimber.

Edited February 24, 2014 by Zimber

[turnera]

yeah we'll your condemnation isn't going to change reality. It took me years to accept myself, my significant other provides for me in ways like responsibility providing a home for our kids.

So you want your kids to grow up thinking women should marry a man for his money and support while she goes out and screws every other man? What a great mother and role model...

[aliveagain]

My husband has agreed to marriage counseling with me not completely. He came by and dropped of the twins. He stayed and helped me put them to sleep after that we both went down stairs. Before he left I asked if he was willing to talk about us tomorrow with our counselor since we have co-parenting tomorrow. I also told him I just wanted to talk and I knew if he agreed it didn’t change anything and I thought it could help us move forward and maybe provide some kind of closure. At first he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go or really do any kind of MC with me. I told it was fine I was only asking and we could keep only about the kids if that’s what he wanted. He told he would think about and would let me know tomorrow. I give him a hug and he left. A few minutes ago I received a text from him saying we could talk about us tomorrow if I still wanted to just for tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it we have 8am tomorrow hopefully this leads to something else.

 

Again, it's not over until it's over, you still have a relationship with a husband that loves you, it just needs to be defined. Advice from people that are still deep in their affair fog may not be the best to listen to for advice on reconciliation, they haven't been discovered yet and haven't lost everything that is important to them. I will bet money her advice will change after her husband and son discover her deceit. Stay strong, his actions still scream love with the confusion of hurt.

[Sofie2013]

We did go counseling today. It went ok I guess I don’t really know how I feel about it. We talked about the marriage as a whole and things we both felt we weren’t getting for each other we did agree we could have done more for each other but it was good and at times it was great.

 

When it time to talk about the affair he really didn’t say much. He kind of closed himself off. 5 found it pretty strange since he was more than ok about talking about the marriage before the affair happened. He wasn’t say much at this point and it was me mostly talking and him listening. Our counselor stared asking him a few questions about he felt about the affair and he answered a few of them but wouldn’t answer other questions. She did bring up reconciliation and asked him if he ever saw it possible he didn’t want to answer the question directly. Our asked told she would like to see the both of us again but if he didn’t want to that he should seek counseling on his own. We end the session on that note. It didn’t go the way I thought it was going to go. At least he went.

[Sofie2013]

WOW this was posted at 12 p.m Sophie you must have been with him, like I said this will all turn into a harmonious relationship. Too bad none of the people I have known have had such positive results in a world where the odds of reconciliation are so low. Glad to hear that things are going well.

 

After we put the kids to sleep we did talk to each other but we weren’t intimate with each other.

[Chi townD]

You have some serious problems and you really need help the fact you think what you are doing is ok is mind boggling. It seem like you have zero respect for any one and you only care for yourself. The fact you choice to have an affair with your own sons friend shows how little you care about them. Do you even stop to think how this could affect him or your daughter what happens one day by chance she finds her father isn’t her really father

 

 

 

Sophie, you're feeding the bunnies some carrots. Stop feeding the bunnies and they should hop away.

 

 

BTW, congrats on the "possible" marriage counseling. Remember, things are really raw and you are going to go to some dark places with him. Let him say his peace and be there for him. Don't make any excuses and own your sh*t. Listen to what he has to say and if it gets deep, feel his pain. Get an idea of where he's at. Make no promises to him. Tell him that your done TELLING him that you're going to change, because he has every right not to believe you. So, you're going to show him that you've changed and those changes are permanent. That he'll be able to see the changes. Hell, use my house analogy if you think it may help.

[Chi townD]

Opps, sorry. Didn't see your 12:51 response.

 

 

Well, at least he opened up somewhat. I wouldn't call it over just yet. If you ever get into that situation again. When the session ends, ask him out to grab a cup of coffee with you to unwind.

 

 

I can't shake the feeling that you were on the verge of a break through. I can't help but feel that this isn't over just yet. So, hang in there.

[bigman1]

Sophie: It seems to me that what you have not told us how your husband was feeling and what was he thinking during the time he knew of your affair, but you did not know that he knew. Your husband reminds me of myself, I am a lawyer, too. Please follow me here, I have to be quick as I have hearing tomorrow.

 

He had time to study you in the midst of your deception and betrayal. He formed conclusions. He made observations about your demeanor, how you treated him, etc, all while you were oblivious to the fact that he knew what you were doing. That had to be soul killing for him to know, in real time, that you were actually with another man. He had to sit quietly while he knew you were having sex and then coming home and pretending to be his wife; thus taking him for a fool. He went into lawyer mode at that point. I will explain that in a minute.

 

I think what is troubling him and prevents him from engaging on the reconciliation issue is that you may act the same now. Not cheating or concealing stuff, but similar expressions of affection to him, looks of affection, or whatever you did to make him think everything was normal during the A. You took him for a fool at the time, but he was not and he is afraid of being taken again.

 

We lawyers do not take being thought of as fools lightly (the arrogance of our profession) and he had months of watching you act like he was a fool while you carried on your affair. You may need to go to the heart of the matter and ask him about what was going through his mind during the affair time when he knew and how does he feel about that now. You have apologized for the affair after you got caught, I get that. This is different. How was he able to avoid confronting you when he had confirmation? He was in lawyer mode. Analytic and detached. Of course, he was also hurting and had to push those feelings down. This may open some wounds for him.

 

Lawyers value intellect and emotions are, for a lot of us, signs of weakness. His ability to sit by while you were cheating and make his plans show me that he pushed his emotions aside and went into "lawyer mode" and by having to bring up those emotions, he feels weak and too vulnerable, so it is easier to stick with a divorce which is a nice and tidy legal matter. Get him out of lawyer mode and into betrayed hurting husband mode, again. Once there, you have to be quick to let him see you raw and hurting and longing for him and remorseful and willing to do ANYTHING to get him back. In lawyer mode, he can reject that. In normal human mode, you have a chance.

 

As for counseling, we lawyers are not cool with counselors because they deal with emotions and feelings. We don't like that because feelings hamper our ability to lean on what we value the most, our intellect and reason. Your husband has every reason to want to avoid feelings because he will have to confront how he felt knowing you were sleeping with another man, while he said nothing.