Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[miguelcervantes]

Sophie: It seems to me that what you have not told us how your husband was feeling and what was he thinking during the time he knew of your affair, but you did not know that he knew. Your husband reminds me of myself, I am a lawyer, too. Please follow me here, I have to be quick as I have hearing tomorrow.

 

He had time to study you in the midst of your deception and betrayal. He formed conclusions. He made observations about your demeanor, how you treated him, etc, all while you were oblivious to the fact that he knew what you were doing. That had to be soul killing for him to know, in real time, that you were actually with another man. He had to sit quietly while he knew you were having sex and then coming home and pretending to be his wife; thus taking him for a fool. He went into lawyer mode at that point. I will explain that in a minute.

 

I think what is troubling him and prevents him from engaging on the reconciliation issue is that you may act the same now. Not cheating or concealing stuff, but similar expressions of affection to him, looks of affection, or whatever you did to make him think everything was normal during the A. You took him for a fool at the time, but he was not and he is afraid of being taken again.

 

We lawyers do not take being thought of as fools lightly (the arrogance of our profession) and he had months of watching you act like he was a fool while you carried on your affair. You may need to go to the heart of the matter and ask him about what was going through his mind during the affair time when he knew and how does he feel about that now. You have apologized for the affair after you got caught, I get that. This is different. How was he able to avoid confronting you when he had confirmation? He was in lawyer mode. Analytic and detached. Of course, he was also hurting and had to push those feelings down. This may open some wounds for him.

 

Lawyers value intellect and emotions are, for a lot of us, signs of weakness. His ability to sit by while you were cheating and make his plans show me that he pushed his emotions aside and went into "lawyer mode" and by having to bring up those emotions, he feels weak and too vulnerable, so it is easier to stick with a divorce which is a nice and tidy legal matter. Get him out of lawyer mode and into betrayed hurting husband mode, again. Once there, you have to be quick to let him see you raw and hurting and longing for him and remorseful and willing to do ANYTHING to get him back. In lawyer mode, he can reject that. In normal human mode, you have a chance.

 

As for counseling, we lawyers are not cool with counselors because they deal with emotions and feelings. We don't like that because feelings hamper our ability to lean on what we value the most, our intellect and reason. Your husband has every reason to want to avoid feelings because he will have to confront how he felt knowing you were sleeping with another man, while he said nothing.

 

"Lawyer mode" huh. Very very interesting. Explains a lot of personal stuff that I have had to deal with lawyers (do not wish to threadjack). There could be something to this, Sofie. However, you also are a lawyer aren't you, Sofie ? Do you ever go into this mode too ?

[janedoe67]

I like you came to offer my support and since Sophie has already said that she can't trust herself in regards to a future affair. I'm merely telling her how I conduct my affair, so if another affair should come to pass. Sofie could use my experience as a reference.

 

I am a FWW, and I just threw up a little in my mouth.

 

Stay the honorable course Sophie

[sidney2718]

Sophie: It seems to me that what you have not told us how your husband was feeling and what was he thinking during the time he knew of your affair, but you did not know that he knew. Your husband reminds me of myself, I am a lawyer, too. Please follow me here, I have to be quick as I have hearing tomorrow.

 

He had time to study you in the midst of your deception and betrayal. He formed conclusions. He made observations about your demeanor, how you treated him, etc, all while you were oblivious to the fact that he knew what you were doing. That had to be soul killing for him to know, in real time, that you were actually with another man. He had to sit quietly while he knew you were having sex and then coming home and pretending to be his wife; thus taking him for a fool. He went into lawyer mode at that point. I will explain that in a minute.

 

I think what is troubling him and prevents him from engaging on the reconciliation issue is that you may act the same now. Not cheating or concealing stuff, but similar expressions of affection to him, looks of affection, or whatever you did to make him think everything was normal during the A. You took him for a fool at the time, but he was not and he is afraid of being taken again.

 

We lawyers do not take being thought of as fools lightly (the arrogance of our profession) and he had months of watching you act like he was a fool while you carried on your affair. You may need to go to the heart of the matter and ask him about what was going through his mind during the affair time when he knew and how does he feel about that now. You have apologized for the affair after you got caught, I get that. This is different. How was he able to avoid confronting you when he had confirmation? He was in lawyer mode. Analytic and detached. Of course, he was also hurting and had to push those feelings down. This may open some wounds for him.

 

Lawyers value intellect and emotions are, for a lot of us, signs of weakness. His ability to sit by while you were cheating and make his plans show me that he pushed his emotions aside and went into "lawyer mode" and by having to bring up those emotions, he feels weak and too vulnerable, so it is easier to stick with a divorce which is a nice and tidy legal matter. Get him out of lawyer mode and into betrayed hurting husband mode, again. Once there, you have to be quick to let him see you raw and hurting and longing for him and remorseful and willing to do ANYTHING to get him back. In lawyer mode, he can reject that. In normal human mode, you have a chance.

 

As for counseling, we lawyers are not cool with counselors because they deal with emotions and feelings. We don't like that because feelings hamper our ability to lean on what we value the most, our intellect and reason. Your husband has every reason to want to avoid feelings because he will have to confront how he felt knowing you were sleeping with another man, while he said nothing.

 

This is one of the best things I've read on Sophie's situation. In my opinion it is filled with wisdom. And it offers hope for the future.

[bigman1]

One more thing, Sophie. You have to let him know that you don't think of him as a fool. It is key to let him know that you destroyed the marriage, his trust, his respect, and whatever else you know is important to him.

 

He will never reconcile with you if you ask for it because if he does, then it is because you asked him to. That puts you in control again. You controlled having the affair on your terms and now you want to control saving the marriage on your terms. Your terms being: because you want to. You wanted an affair and had one. Now you want a marriage and he is supposed to give that to you as well? He won't. He cannot give that to you. It is not a win for him. You win at everything related to the marriage as far as he is concerned.

 

He needs to know that marriage is a gift from him to you that he does not have to give. A relationship is a gift that he does not have to give. In short, he is in control and whatever he gives you, you will be grateful for and cherish because you had no control over whether he gave it to you. Asking for reconciliation is because you want it. Telling him that you know that you threw away what you had that he does not owe you a second chance brings closure. Stating that IF he ever gives you anything it will not be because you are asking for it, but because he decides what, if anything, that he will give you puts him in charge and that is a win for him. You see, the divorce puts him in charge. you don't want it, so he does and he is going to get it. Letting him know that the affair is what killed your marriage and that a divorce is just a piece of paper that memorializes what you did takes the shine off the divorce option.

 

You need to tell him how he was won. By filing for divorce, he has shown that he is not some weak kneed boob who is grateful that his cheating wife looks at him. By moving out, he has shown that he does not need to be with you. By getting you fired, he has proven that third parties recognize how tainted you were. By his brother getting you a job, it shows helplessness. By going to co-parenting he is helping you to cope as a single mom because you need the help. All of these are wins. Tell him that. He needs that.

 

You will need to let him know that you were not smarter than him, were not outsmarting him and were simply foolish at the time. It is an ego thing. Maybe you were not even thinking about being caught, who knows? Well, actually, you know. In either event, he is going to need some sort of a "win" for having to sit by quietly while he knew what you were doing. You have to make the idea of rebuilding seem like a win for him. Not you, not the family, but for him. I personally hate the term reconciliation because it sounds like both sides were wrong and reconciled their differences. In an affair, that is not the case. I like rebuilding. Maybe he will too.

[janedoe67]

Has it occurred to you that the problem is not the honesty but the CHEATING?????

[anne1707]

Ssbc

 

if that is the stance you are going to take....

 

I am a fWW and I reconciled with my husband through being completely honest. As a result I have not had a failed marriage followed by another failed marriage followed by another....

 

This thread is not about you. It's about Sofie.

[aliveagain]

Has it occurred to you that the problem is not the honesty but the CHEATING?????

 

This, this, this and than to have the balls to come on here telling everyone that husbands are suckers for a little blame shifting and some waterworks and that is the best way to save your marriage and keep your son's best friend as your boyfriend. Wow, it's almost enough to get me to switch to men, really.

[aliveagain]

you forgot to answer my question and that's what's the gain in being honest? Btw I'm not lying to myself I know full well what I am doing.

 

If you weren't a serial cheater(sounds like you've ruined a few marriages with your infidelity) and stopped putting your son's best friends penis in whatever orifices blank, blank, blank put it blank blank, blank, you wouldn't have to worry about being honest. Integrity, trust, that's the difference girl, if you were honest these things would matter to you. This is purely my view, banging your son's best friend is a very bad idea.

Edited February 24, 2014 by aliveagain

[anne1707]

Seeing as Sofie's husband already knows about the affair, this whole discussion is quite pointless. The advice should be based on the actual situation. There is no backtracking now.

[janedoe67]

no the thread isn't about me nor do I want it to be I'm trying to save a marriage. I don't know if any of you cheaters have been married to a rich man with plenty of options its a different story than being married to a blue collar worker.

 

Again there is to much to lose if your advice fails. Remember most men have a video tape in their mind and if he has options due to his money than forget about it. Every girlfriend of mine that cheated had a bad outcome. For us rich people who can afford counselors every counselor says the same thing that honesty is the best policy to develop trust what they didn't talk about was the lingering imagery.

 

So are you going to be responsible if Sofies marriage fails because of your advice. I'm here to support her not to give detrimental advice that comes with risk. Please don't accuse me hijacking this thread because its about Sofie not your morality.

 

Nice try, but my hub is a PhD

 

What's to be gained? Integrity, character, honor, and value

 

The problems comes way before the decision to come clean. The problems happens when you deicde to drop pant for someone other than your spouse.

 

BTW, Sofie is working hard on herself and her relationship with her BS BECAUSE she has character. But if the relationship fails it will not be because of honesty; it will be because of the cheating.

 

So do you excuse every act of betrayal and deceit based on the victim not knowing, or just affairs? For example, if someone was embezzling money from your bank account, would that be okay as long as no one told you?

Edited February 25, 2014 by janedoe67

[Scott Thomas]

If a man marries a woman after seeing her act the way you did (letting another man touch your breasts while your with him), he doesn't exactly deserve getting cheated on, but shouldn't cry foul when this happens.

 

I never judge people based on their intellect but every once in a while, I do come across some 'walking wonders of the world'.

 

Furthermore, you do have the right to write whatever, if anything, comes to your mind. However, I am glad that Sophie has rejected your advice, if that is what we may call it.

 

Now if you excuse us, we're adults here having an articulate, enlightened and thoughtful conversation, so if the only idea you want to share involves deceit and treachery, please return to that cosmopolitan magazine. You may start your own thread if you want to but please refrain from ruining this one. Good luck with your future 'endeavours'.

 

Sophie, any updates?

Edited February 25, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[Sofie2013]

Sophie: It seems to me that what you have not told us how your husband was feeling and what was he thinking during the time he knew of your affair, but you did not know that he knew. Your husband reminds me of myself, I am a lawyer, too. Please follow me here, I have to be quick as I have hearing tomorrow.

 

He had time to study you in the midst of your deception and betrayal. He formed conclusions. He made observations about your demeanor, how you treated him, etc, all while you were oblivious to the fact that he knew what you were doing. That had to be soul killing for him to know, in real time, that you were actually with another man. He had to sit quietly while he knew you were having sex and then coming home and pretending to be his wife; thus taking him for a fool. He went into lawyer mode at that point. I will explain that in a minute.

 

I think what is troubling him and prevents him from engaging on the reconciliation issue is that you may act the same now. Not cheating or concealing stuff, but similar expressions of affection to him, looks of affection, or whatever you did to make him think everything was normal during the A. You took him for a fool at the time, but he was not and he is afraid of being taken again.

 

We lawyers do not take being thought of as fools lightly (the arrogance of our profession) and he had months of watching you act like he was a fool while you carried on your affair. You may need to go to the heart of the matter and ask him about what was going through his mind during the affair time when he knew and how does he feel about that now. You have apologized for the affair after you got caught, I get that. This is different. How was he able to avoid confronting you when he had confirmation? He was in lawyer mode. Analytic and detached. Of course, he was also hurting and had to push those feelings down. This may open some wounds for him.

 

Lawyers value intellect and emotions are, for a lot of us, signs of weakness. His ability to sit by while you were cheating and make his plans show me that he pushed his emotions aside and went into "lawyer mode" and by having to bring up those emotions, he feels weak and too vulnerable, so it is easier to stick with a divorce which is a nice and tidy legal matter. Get him out of lawyer mode and into betrayed hurting husband mode, again. Once there, you have to be quick to let him see you raw and hurting and longing for him and remorseful and willing to do ANYTHING to get him back. In lawyer mode, he can reject that. In normal human mode, you have a chance.

 

As for counseling, we lawyers are not cool with counselors because they deal with emotions and feelings. We don't like that because feelings hamper our ability to lean on what we value the most, our intellect and reason. Your husband has every reason to want to avoid feelings because he will have to confront how he felt knowing you were sleeping with another man, while he said nothing.

 

 

This is great insight. It can also be a very accurate description of how my husband maybe feeling. I can understand why he could have thought I was taking him for a “fool” even though it was never my intention to make him out to be the fool. It’s one of the many consequences my affair has had. I also never thought of him as a fool if anything he proved me to be the fool.

 

Part of the reason why I wanted to do marriage counseling was just that to ask him about how he felt during the affair. I have tried to ask him when it was just the two of us talking and he would never answer the question. I thought going to marriage counselling and with the help of a counselor he would open. He did open about how he felt about the marriage before the affair took place but that was it. I want to know I kind of need to know how he felt it bothers me.

 

My for the most part is a very emotionally distant. He rarely tells anyone what how he feels. He generally doesn’t about his feelings to anyone. He also very good at shutting them down and putting them to the side. How do I get him out of “lawyer mode” I have tried a lot of different approaches and none of them seem to work.

 

I was able to get my husband to attended and open to counseling in the beginning of our marriage. The big difference then was he knew I was beginning to lose patience with him and he didn’t want the marriage to end. Now this time around it’s the opposite. The reason we went to counseling the first time around was he never tell me when he wasn’t happy just poor communication between the both of us. A lot of it had to do with the fact he could be to emotional distant from me.

[Sofie2013]

"Lawyer mode" huh. Very very interesting. Explains a lot of personal stuff that I have had to deal with lawyers (do not wish to threadjack). There could be something to this, Sofie. However, you also are a lawyer aren't you, Sofie ? Do you ever go into this mode too ?

 

 

No, I’m not a lawyer but my family most on my dad side are all lawyers as well as older brother and sister. My dad wanted me to become one I just wasn’t for me.

[Sofie2013]

Do you think the reason you had the affair in the first place is because he is so emotionally distant?

 

 

We fixed that problem. It was for about the first year or two he was like that. Counseling really helped and we reach a good balance. It took him some time and hard work before he was able to be completely comfortable talking about his emotions with me. This is one of the things about my affair that hurts me I tried so hard trying to be a good husband there was little he wouldn’t do for me and I just through the it away.

[Timmos]

 

If her marriage fails, its due to her affair, not their advice. The difference is that these people are giving kind, caring, helpful, and honorable advice. Your suggestion to purposefully humiliate and lie to the person you have taken vows to love and cherish, solely for the purpose of not having your sorry ass tossed out to the curb and losing your precious financial situation is anything but kind, caring, helpful, or honorable.

 

But some things money can't buy.

[fallingdown2013]

This is great insight. It can also be a very accurate description of how my husband maybe feeling. I can understand why he could have thought I was taking him for a “fool” even though it was never my intention to make him out to be the fool. It’s one of the many consequences my affair has had. I also never thought of him as a fool if anything he proved me to be the fool.

 

Part of the reason why I wanted to do marriage counseling was just that to ask him about how he felt during the affair. I have tried to ask him when it was just the two of us talking and he would never answer the question. I thought going to marriage counseling and with the help of a counselor he would open. He did open about how he felt about the marriage before the affair took place but that was it. I want to know I kind of need to know how he felt it bothers me.

My for the most part is a very emotionally distant. He rarely tells anyone what how he feels. He generally doesn’t about his feelings to anyone. He also very good at shutting them down and putting them to the side. How do I get him out of “lawyer mode” I have tried a lot of different approaches and none of them seem to work.

 

I was able to get my husband to attended and open to counseling in the beginning of our marriage. The big difference then was he knew I was beginning to lose patience with him and he didn’t want the marriage to end. Now this time around it’s the opposite. The reason we went to counseling the first time around was he never tell me when he wasn’t happy just poor communication between the both of us. A lot of it had to do with the fact he could be to emotional distant from me.

 

I think you more or less already know how he felt during you affair (hurt, angry, etc.) This probably isn't what really bothers you. You are bothered because he won't share his deeper feelings with you anymore. If bigman1 is correct, and I think he is, then your husband won't share these feelings for the same reason he's going through with the divorce. These are "wins" for him and he's making sure that you suffer real consequences for your affair.

 

As for how to get him out of "lawyer mode", I can only speculate on a possible course of action. When you want to get someone to do something you desire, it's often best to "pace their reality" before trying to move them in another direction. Right now, you're immediately trying to move your husband towards reconciliation by being remorseful, and thus you're encountering stiff resistance. In your case, you would first verbally describe your husband's reality to him, more or less as bigman1 did, and then tell your husband how remorseful you are and how you'll do ANYTHING he wishes. So "pacing your husband's reality" would involve telling him how he must have thought you viewed him as a fool during the affair. It also involves telling your husband why he wants the divorce and why he won't discuss his emotions with you (i.e. because these are things you can't control and are consequences of your affair). You're basically saying the words for him. You then immediately tell your husband how remorseful you are and how you will do ANYTHING to bring the family back together.

 

Anyway, use this advice at your own risk. I'm only offering an idea for you to consider. I'll give you a very very simple example of pacing someone's reality. If you want to get someone off a phone to talk, you might say, "Excuse me. May we please talk now?". Or, you might say, "Excuse me. I know you're on the phone and this is rude. May we please talk now?". See how the second option seems so much more effective?

[bigman1]

One way to get him out of lawyer mode is to engage him in lawyer mode and let him switch. For example, if you start off telling him, "I know that this is going to bother you, but please hear me out before you reject what I am saying..." This appeals to our desire for reason and logic and we will listen to you and probably promise to at least consider what you have to say, to be fair.

 

After that intro, you tell him how you think that he felt. He will correct you, even if he does it in "lawyer mode", he will still correct you, which means that he will tell you how he felt. You cannot ask, "how did you feel" because that is just like asking "how weak were you?".

 

For example, you could say, "I know that having to keep quiet when you knew that I was having my A was very painful for you." "I know that you were hurt and betrayed by me and probably hated the sight of me during that time." "even though you say that you love me, you cannot help but still hate me." He will respond. next say this: "just so you know, I have really thought long and hard about that, and I understand now that the hurt and anger you had to keep bottled up then is why you CANNOT stop the divorce." "I never thought that you were a fool during that time and in fact, you have shown me to be the biggest fool." He will respond. Then give him the win, "You have beaten me, I am broken, I am exposed, and no matter what happens, the pain and shame that I caused you is mine to bear, whether you tell me or not, I now know how you felt." He will correct you.

 

Now here is a very risky, but good tactic. Tell him the following: "Since you won't talk to me about how you felt during that time, I know that you are hurt beyond words and need to avoid thinking about it to hold it together, and I see that." He is going to either deny that or admit it. If he denies it, don't argue, just say, "you are very smart and capable of making your points when you want to, but since you shut down when I ask those questions, I realize that it can only be the pain and anger that keeps you from telling me." He has now been challenged. He's gonna be mad, he may turn it into something else, but you can only respond that the only possible reason for his refusal to let you know how he felt and feels is because he will feel that it makes him look weak to expose his emotions. Then finish with this, "I can only imagine how it was to endure torture by my deceit and never utter a sound. I respect that you cannot speak of it now."

 

He's gotta break at some point. You may even have to tell him that you know that he has to go to lawyer mode to protect himself. Perhaps you could say that you never imagined that you could hurt him this bad. We hate being pigeon holed, so he will talk. brace yourself, it will be misguided rage. You keep the question on the table, how did you feel?

[aliveagain]

One way to get him out of lawyer mode is to engage him in lawyer mode and let him switch. For example, if you start off telling him, "I know that this is going to bother you, but please hear me out before you reject what I am saying..." This appeals to our desire for reason and logic and we will listen to you and probably promise to at least consider what you have to say, to be fair.

 

After that intro, you tell him how you think that he felt. He will correct you, even if he does it in "lawyer mode", he will still correct you, which means that he will tell you how he felt. You cannot ask, "how did you feel" because that is just like asking "how weak were you?".

 

For example, you could say, "I know that having to keep quiet when you knew that I was having my A was very painful for you." "I know that you were hurt and betrayed by me and probably hated the sight of me during that time." "even though you say that you love me, you cannot help but still hate me." He will respond. next say this: "just so you know, I have really thought long and hard about that, and I understand now that the hurt and anger you had to keep bottled up then is why you CANNOT stop the divorce." "I never thought that you were a fool during that time and in fact, you have shown me to be the biggest fool." He will respond. Then give him the win, "You have beaten me, I am broken, I am exposed, and no matter what happens, the pain and shame that I caused you is mine to bear, whether you tell me or not, I now know how you felt." He will correct you.

 

Now here is a very risky, but good tactic. Tell him the following: "Since you won't talk to me about how you felt during that time, I know that you are hurt beyond words and need to avoid thinking about it to hold it together, and I see that." He is going to either deny that or admit it. If he denies it, don't argue, just say, "you are very smart and capable of making your points when you want to, but since you shut down when I ask those questions, I realize that it can only be the pain and anger that keeps you from telling me." He has now been challenged. He's gonna be mad, he may turn it into something else, but you can only respond that the only possible reason for his refusal to let you know how he felt and feels is because he will feel that it makes him look weak to expose his emotions. Then finish with this, "I can only imagine how it was to endure torture by my deceit and never utter a sound. I respect that you cannot speak of it now."

 

He's gotta break at some point. You may even have to tell him that you know that he has to go to lawyer mode to protect himself. Perhaps you could say that you never imagined that you could hurt him this bad. We hate being pigeon holed, so he will talk. brace yourself, it will be misguided rage. You keep the question on the table, how did you feel?

 

Bigman1, are you Sofie's husband? Lol. Great advice.

[atreides]

I read a lot about tactics, modes, what to do and not, what to show him, how to act when x,y and z.

 

My only 2 cents would be to be you, behaving in a way that is not, makes it "not real" and he will know it which in my opinion would make it worse at least if it were me.

 

I am not a lawyer, but it does not take a lawyer to have modes, I too can be very cold and calculating and my profession is a programmer. I too have times where i see emotion as weakness but that does not play a role on my judgement to do x or y. I can let out my pain but does that really equate to reconciliation, forgiveness and etc?

 

I am rambling... just be you, that is what matters most and what he fell in love with and is still, no matter the "tactics", sometimes it is a "bridge too far" but with all the great moments you have had, being "you" and how "you" show sincerity and how "you" have and will do what it takes to keep him is what will count most.

[bigman1]

@aliveagain, lol. Nope, but I understand her husband, I think. He sounds like me. I would do the same thing. Well , not the sitting by while she cheated part, but everything else is textbook pissed off hurt lawyer.

[atreides]

One thing for sure sophie is that you have the just about the whole of LS "infidelity" forum rooting for you and it shows in the posts. If anything you have turned many staunch "berating" members into "cheerleaders" I think you are doing just fine.

[miguelcervantes]

Sophie,

 

Things are progressing as well as they could from what I can see.

 

First of all it is clear that your husband is hurt - not just his feelings but his pride too. I am sure you are aware of that and from what I can see, you are handling this in a genuine and caring way - the right way.

 

Second it is also clear that there is still love for each other and I suspect both of you are still IN love with each other. Great place to start and to go against the odds which (understandably) would be stacked against you.

 

Finally, you know what you want to achieve and do not appear to be delusional in your expectations. Again, that will help you in getting to where you not only want to be, but in my opinion, should be. I think if you two get back together, your marriage will be much stronger and loving - of course there are bound to be problems, but I have a feeling that the two of you will be listening much more carefully to each other and will work them out.

 

So in short, my advice is that you are being equally driven by three of your most important assets - your heart, your brain and your integrity. Of course its going to be painful getting there, but I believe that you will come out of this a better person in all respects.

 

Again, good luck and keep up the excellent work on this relationship going forward.

[Sofie2013]

Things seem to have taken a setback. My husband has gone cold on me again. I called him yesterday and it went straight VM then I sent him a text on answer. After that I stopped trying after I sent the text. I don’t really know why we talked all day Monday and he seemed fine but yesterday nothing and today looks like it’s going to the same today. I hate when he does this I know he probably think or needs space and I’m fine giving him that space but I wish he would tell me. My mind just starts racing thinking if it was something I did or said did I anger him in a way. I wish he would tell me something just to ease my mind. I know that’s selfish since I don’t deserve it.

[Chi townD]

He's still on that roller coaster. That appointment probably triggered him pretty bad. But, then again, he's a lawyer. He might have been in court, or a meeting, or interviewing a client. Could be anything.

 

 

Just relax and ride out this coaster ride.

[miguelcervantes]

Dont panic - he is triggering at the moment. This will happen quite a bit and quite possible for many years, unfortunately. What you will see as a result is something like one step forward followed by two steps back from time to time. You just have to help him with the triggers by (a) respecting his space and (b) offering him the support in a genuine way when he does come to you (and he will sometimes reach out to you to vent his anger so be prepared).