OpheliaSong Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 He could be internally battling his feelings. He loves you but he can't trust you anymore so he doesn't want to give you a shot because that would send you the message that what you did is acceptable. He is in between a rock and a hard place. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Another thing that could be happening is that he tried to rug sweep the affair as best that he could to try to bring back things as normal as possible. When he sat through that appointment, it came out from under the rug again and was faced with the reality that the affair did, in fact, happen. Thus, he's triggering hard and back to square one. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Things seem to have taken a setback. My husband has gone cold on me again. I called him yesterday and it went straight VM then I sent him a text on answer. After that I stopped trying after I sent the text. I don’t really know why we talked all day Monday and he seemed fine but yesterday nothing and today looks like it’s going to the same today. I hate when he does this I know he probably think or needs space and I’m fine giving him that space but I wish he would tell me. My mind just starts racing thinking if it was something I did or said did I anger him in a way. I wish he would tell me something just to ease my mind. I know that’s selfish since I don’t deserve it. I'm not going to pretend I know what's in your husband's mind but I'll let you know what I think anyway. If I would have been a little older and/or more mature I'd like to think I would have pushed my wife away when she clung to me and begged me to come back after her cheating. Deep down I knew the massive blow to my ego/self-esteem was too great to ever completely overcome. Instead I came back, like a whipped dog, and hoped that time would heal me. If I would have done the right thing for me - filed for divorce - I know I would have had weak moments where I thought I could accept it because I loved her and because I missed living with my son. I'd like to think I would have been able to "snap out of it" once I had time to think and remember that I am the kind of man who cannot accept what she did to me. During the two weeks she lived with the POS other guy I was totally NC with her, other than calling her and saying simply "when can I take my son for the day/weekend" and "have our son meet me outside". But I did miss her and have weak moments when I wanted to talk or see her even during that short time. Your husband might be living through this same roller coaster. I'm sure he misses the family he had and can fool himself into thinking it could all be like it used to be if he just comes home. Then he thinks about what you did to him and he knows he cannot accept you as a wife or partner. From my own experience, I know it is very hard to resist the powerful appeal of just having things the way they were before the affair. He wishes it never happened but he knows that wishing it was that way doesn't mean a thing. This is just my opinion on what he could be going through. If this is the kind of thing he is going through then you really should be ok with never getting back together other than as co-parents. He would be in agony and you would both suffer until you finally divorce anyway. Maybe you are just skipping that middle part where you are trying to reconcile but are both in agony. Maybe I'm completely wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Ssbc Sofie's husband already knows about the affair so your point bears no relevance at all to the discussion, just as the details of your affairs/counsellors have no relevance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Guys I can understand how you want to help her, but I don't think that openness is going to save this relationship. I've spent $20,000 between different counselors everyone of them preached the same thing that you guys do. Maybe I should have discovered loveshack before and pocketed the money. I even went to therapy for so called sex addiction the counselor was a middle aged therapist yet I could tell that 25 years ago she was good looking, any way she spent a good time talking about her swinging days. After discovering sexual addicts anonymous she turned her life around and became psychologist specializing sexual addiction. Now she's bragging about her current marriage how H loves her apparently her fan/stalker who had been in love with her since her high school days married her. So I asked her if he gives her any money? That was last time we met. Honesty doesn't work! What do you think that our whole banking system built on, simply the answer is deceit. You do realize that she is beyond the point that your advice could have changed anything, even if you were correct. Also, her husband caught her, she didn't confess until he already had enough evidence, lying would have done her no good anyways. Also, some people do see more than just money. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 As it has been stated several times...dishonesty puts one partner at a disadvantage. Sophie is trying to rebuild the trust in her relationship. That cannot be accomplished with lies and deceit. Do you trust the banks? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 As it has been stated several times...dishonesty puts one partner at a disadvantage. Sophie is trying to rebuild the trust in her relationship. That cannot be accomplished with lies and deceit. Do you trust the banks? As far as I know, Sophie has not lied about anything since she confessed to her husband months ago. The small discussion here was about telling her husband that she's been using LS as a support group. The consensus opinion was that she should tell him if he asks if she's been talking to anyone. But there is no reason to push him into reading the entire thread since he knows her opinions already and all the thread would do is trigger him some more. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 As far as I know, Sophie has not lied about anything since she confessed to her husband months ago. The small discussion here was about telling her husband that she's been using LS as a support group. The consensus opinion was that she should tell him if he asks if she's been talking to anyone. But there is no reason to push him into reading the entire thread since he knows her opinions already and all the thread would do is trigger him some more. Sidney Ssbc started posting just a few days ago and has advised Sofie to deny she has even had an affair. Apparently it makes it easier to have future affairs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 He's still on that roller coaster. That appointment probably triggered him pretty bad. But, then again, he's a lawyer. He might have been in court, or a meeting, or interviewing a client. Could be anything. Just relax and ride out this coaster ride. Another thing that could be happening is that he tried to rug sweep the affair as best that he could to try to bring back things as normal as possible. When he sat through that appointment, it came out from under the rug again and was faced with the reality that the affair did, in fact, happen. Thus, he's triggering hard and back to square one. I thought at first he was busy so I texted him later in the night and no answer. I think your right the MC session did lead to him to trigger. It hurts me to know I’m the main reason he’s hurting I never wanted to cause him more pain that was the last thing I wanted. I wish there was something I could do to help him but I really can’t do anything to help. This roller coaster is hell must be hell I feel pretty lord knows how he’s feeling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 My mind just starts racing thinking if it was something I did or said did I anger him in a way.You cheated on him. That's the root cause of all his resentment Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Sidney Ssbc started posting just a few days ago and has advised Sofie to deny she has even had an affair. Apparently it makes it easier to have future affairs Yup. My point being that it is too late for Sophie to lie about anything, which SSBC might know if she'd read the thread. Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 He might be entering into the "anger phase". This usually happens around the 6 month mark from the "loss". Have you ever read about the five stages of grief? You should!! Link to post Share on other sites
fallingdown2013 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 The husband seems to really need IC. He almost surely won't go if Sophie or their co-parenting counselor suggests it. There might be a chance if the brother encouraged him to try it out. The husband seems to trust and love his brother (i.e. based on Sophie's posts). Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 I thought at first he was busy so I texted him later in the night and no answer. I think your right the MC session did lead to him to trigger. It hurts me to know I’m the main reason he’s hurting I never wanted to cause him more pain that was the last thing I wanted. I wish there was something I could do to help him but I really can’t do anything to help. This roller coaster is hell must be hell I feel pretty lord knows how he’s feeling. In my opinion of what he is thinking is that... going to MC is equated to keeping the M and working it out with you... from one of your posts before... he has not worked that out yet... so he is not sure to take that first step (MC) in the direction of healing and keeping the M yet. Give him time. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 (edited) .................... Edited February 27, 2014 by anne1707 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Without giving any advice my stories are mere references as to my own mistakes in dealing with counselors. Had I the opportunity to go back into time I would have denied the whole affair. Btw Anne you still haven't answered my question how would honesty keep Sofie's marriage. Look in our neighborhood the average home is 5 million dollars, I've seen a lot of pretty young house wives come and go because they slept with the pool boy, plumber etc. Not one stayed married after an "open" conversation. Rich men have too many options they'd rather part with you than part with their money! So I am listening please share how "openess" is going to preserve a marriage doomed due to cheating? And again, the problem is not the honesty, the PROBLEM is that these trashy women with no morals and a selfish entitlement with no clkue slept with the pool boy in the first place. If they had the character to keep their pants (or bikinis) up, then they wouldn't HAVE to worry about whether to deny. I don't know how else to say it. Instead of worrying about lying, worry about being faithful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 1. Why would he tell his client? 2. Why does his wife's bad choice make HIM a cuckhold. You need a dictionary. A cuckhold KNOWS his wife is with another man and likes it 3. Where I am from, women who cheat on every husband they have are not to be admired 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 (edited) .. Nevermind, not getting involved with ssbc anymore, sorry.. Edited February 27, 2014 by BHsigh 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 SSBC, You should focus on the part where you decide to cuckold him, rather than focusing on what others might call him... *parallel example: don't say he was assassinated. Doesn't seem socially acceptable or might impact his reputation. Answer: Perhaps you shouldn't have stabbed him in the back in the first place... Link to post Share on other sites
Fer_jo Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Just stay on course and follow what you have been doing. Maybe consider sending him a text message stating that you hope he is ok and that you are there for him if he needs to talk or rationalize his feelings. Also mention that you feel terrible by his NC silence and continue to want to make all of this better for him and your children. I am new to this forum but was intrigued by your post and ended up reading the entire 76 pages. I am impressed by your effort and conscience and I can't believe that he isn't-- I wish you my sinecures best regards and hope this works for you and your family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fallingdown2013 Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Doesn't your husband pick up the kids Friday evenings for the weekends? Why not just wait until then, instead of trying to contact him when he wants to be left alone? If you try to "guilt" your husband into responding now, then you may anger him even more. He already knows that you miss him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 All this lawyer mode non-lawyer mode stuff all sounds a little manipulative to me. I doubt there is anybody here that knows this old boy better than Sofie, and being Sofie is what won him over the first time. I think she just needs to keep being Sofie. I agree that knowing the other person is lying and hearing them tell you a lie to your face makes you feel like they think you are an idiot. I don't know any man that appreciates that, regardless of your occupation. I have been reading this from the get go and I believe this old boy has already made up his mind that he is going to get a divorce and continue to ride the fence. His actions will work for a period of time, but eventually someone will come along and Sofie will find that there is life after divorce. She will find that she made a terrible mistake, but once a bell has been wrung, it can't be un-wrung. When that happens he will then want to reconcile but it will be too late. I sure hope I am wrong, but that is my fear in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 Sidney Ssbc started posting just a few days ago and has advised Sofie to deny she has even had an affair. Apparently it makes it easier to have future affairs I know. I've followed SSBC with some interest... Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 I know. I've followed SSBC with some interest... Cant work out if this is a student with time on their hands or just a whacko. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 I am new to this forum but was intrigued by your post and ended up reading the entire 76 pages. I am impressed by your effort and conscience and I can't believe that he isn't-- I can. Doing all the right things - which Sofie seems to be doing - makes reconciliation possible for the BS, but it still doesn't make it easy. It removes several potential obstacles - and big ones (immediate rejection of the affair and NC, WS's remorse, willingness to empathize, willingness to change, etc...) - but it doesn't make other obstacles magically go away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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