Author Sofie2013 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 He might be entering into the "anger phase". This usually happens around the 6 month mark from the "loss". Have you ever read about the five stages of grief? You should!! My counselor went over the 5 stages of grief with me in one of our first sessions together. I think my husband has passed the anger phase. He went through that phase around September and October. My husband D-day came in around in July but he didn’t confront me until the last week in August even then it wasn’t a really confrontation. I think he’s in the 3rd or 4th stage but it’s just a guess 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 28, 2014 Share Posted February 28, 2014 sofie, a better description of dealing with your spouse's cheating, better than the grief stages, is the Rollercoaster. It's called that because the betrayed spouse almost always goes through waves of I can handle it and OMG I f'in' hate her, and everywhere in between. Like riding a rollercoaster. And it usually takes at least 2 or 3 years to get past it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 The husband seems to really need IC. He almost surely won't go if Sophie or their co-parenting counselor suggests it. There might be a chance if the brother encouraged him to try it out. The husband seems to trust and love his brother (i.e. based on Sophie's posts). I want him to go and I think he does need IC. So he can at least talk to someone. He does love and has a great amount of respect and trust for his brother but my BIL would be the last person to encourage him to go to IC. It doesn’t really matter he’s too stubborn he will only seek IC him it what he want and the more people who tell him to go will only make him want to go less . I wish he would go there’s only so much a person can bottle up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 Doesn't your husband pick up the kids Friday evenings for the weekends? Why not just wait until then, instead of trying to contact him when he wants to be left alone? If you try to "guilt" your husband into responding now, then you may anger him even more. He already knows that you miss him. yeah my husband picks up the kids today and has them for the weekend. That’s my plan now just give him his space now. I haven’t called or texted him since Wednesday. Even though it kills but your right he does want to be left alone and by continuing to reach out will only anger him more. I just have to give him space. Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteOrchid Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 I can. Doing all the right things - which Sofie seems to be doing - makes reconciliation possible for the BS, but it still doesn't make it easy. It removes several potential obstacles - and big ones (immediate rejection of the affair and NC, WS's remorse, willingness to empathize, willingness to change, etc...) - but it doesn't make other obstacles magically go away. This is SO true. The emotions of being betrayed in this way are indescribable. Sure, Sofie is doing everything right. But it is up to her H whether he can deal with this or not. Some people just can't. It is his choice. The lying, the cheating, the fact he had to catch her (rather than her confessing), all come into play. Unless you have personally been through this, you can't understand the rollercoaster the BS is really on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted March 1, 2014 Share Posted March 1, 2014 (edited) My counselor went over the 5 stages of grief with me in one of our first sessions together. I think my husband has passed the anger phase. He went through that phase around September and October. My husband D-day came in around in July but he didn’t confront me until the last week in August even then it wasn’t a really confrontation. I think he’s in the 3rd or 4th stage but it’s just a guess Something important to note - I know they are quite often referred to as the "stages of grief", and this implies that they are a linear progression to be traversed from first to last in order, but be careful with this construct. My own experience (and I think others have mentioned this as well) is that it's not a nice, linear, one-way progression, as if once you have "passed through" one stage you are beyond it, never to return again. It's useful to recognize that people may revisit different stages at different times; I think this is some of where the "rollercoaster" metaphor gets its roots, although that sounds to me more like "up and down" or "fast and slow". Personally, I found that it was more like "bouncing", as if a pinball, where triggers might propel me in one direction or the other, toward anger, depression, denial, bargaining, etc... Indeed, the ultimate end goal is acceptance (and what I consider to be the somewhat elusive "6th stage" of peace, which I distinguish as just ever so slightly different from mere acceptance), but the road there is not by any means linear, always pointing forward, or even "just" up and down. There's still a lot of back and forth. In summary, don't discount the possibility that he might sometimes bounce "back" to denial, anger, etc... This may help you understand him a little better, instead of possibly thinking "well, he shouldn't be angry, he's already passed through the anger stage..." Edited March 1, 2014 by Trimmer 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 My husband has remained completely dark. He hasn’t contacted me once in what will be a week soon. Even yesterday was the day I was supposed to see I didn’t. He was supposed come pick the kids up around 6 like he usually does but he sent me a short text telling me he would pick them up from school on Friday instead of coming to pick them up like he usually does. I’m pretty sure he did like this so he wouldn’t have to see me which kills me inside. I don’t understand how a week ago he was holding my hand, giving me hugs and little kiss to being this cold. It’s like I don’t even exist. I can’t stop trying I feel like I lost him for good. I’m being to think going to MC with him was a big mistake nothing good was come from it. It was supposed to helps us communicate with each other and to express ourselves. I thought it would help get my feelings out and show how truly sorry I’m for hurting and betraying him I am. I also thought he would feel self in that kind of environment and talk more about the way he was feeling. Now it seems to be blowing up in my face. I made everything worse by asking him to go MC and now I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost, confused and scared that I lost any chance of every getting him back. All I want is a chance to show him I can love him the right way, chance to bring my family together again. I don’t know how else to make him realize I would do anything for another chance. I’m trying to stay strong but I can’t do it any more I love him so much I don’t know what to do without him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 hang in there Sophie, it's not over until it's over. I really think that when he agreed to MC to acting as he is now.... is based on indecision still. In my opinion going to MC in his mind is the first step to healing the M and he is not sure about that perhaps. If not that... just as others have stated, BS go through a roller coaster of emotion, hot cold and so on. Again, hang in there... he can just as likely go back to giving you hugs and little kisses. I wish there was more I could say but something tells me it is still not over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Raven3321 Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Sophie, He's on the emotional roller-coaster. This is normal. I know It hurts, but these ups and downs are going to come. Stay the course and don't give up. I know you want things to go back to normal right away but that's just not going to happen. This is a tough, slow process that could take years. However, stay the course no matter what you see. As for MC, that was a good idea. However, it's a double-edge sword as it will bring up things that will cut to the heart of the matter and challenge change. It will cause emotions to come up that we'd rather not deal with. In short, MC is going to hurt; same way a shot hurts though it's the only way to heal an infection. You're dealing with things that weren't dealt with before your affair on top of the affair itself. However, the fact that he went with you to MC at all is in itself a good thing. However, you must look at what you want as opposed to what's needed. You want your husband to love you and come back to the family and marriage. You need to get at the underlying conditions of the marriage and yourself that caused you to give in to another man's advances in the first place. Don't lose sight of that. This is a marathon not a sprint. Still praying for you two. What's his name or initials? It's frustrating praying for Sophie and what's his name. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Sophie, as we said before he is going through his "roller coaster" of emotions - this is very normal if that is a word that can be applied in these situations. He is probably kicking himself for letting his defenses down and allowing you in or to get close. He sounds like a very private individual (like I am) and for people like us, counselling sessions are very difficult (I am older than you guys and it took me a long time to even come to a board like this with all the anonymity it offers). MC for me would be a disastrous environment and I envy those who can go in and discuss their marriage and personal issues. Actually, he is doing exactly what I would have - go dark on discovery and expose brutally, then try and effect some weird version of coping and re-bonding, then react badly to counselling, then back on a low again and going dark once more etc. He is wrestling with his thoughts at the moment and there will be periods of intense anger and a ton of sadness and depression. As I said before, the only thing you can do is continue to be the best person you can be - for yourself ! Think of it as the opposite of the 180 - or a sort of 180 for WS's to heal themselves. Then you will be able to cope with whatever happens and quite possibly win him back. And it definitely is not over till it's over. However this is something you have to set yourself a time limit on as you cannot hang onto this forever. I know that right now this is a difficult thing to do, but it is for the good of your kids, your ex and yourself. He more than definitely loves you which is why his hurt is so bad and the ups and downs of this roller coaster will be extreme. However he (and you) will have to ride it until the end or where you want to get off. Keep strong - you have done well so far. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Timmos Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 He seems intent on the divorce - maybe the MC session made him doubt that - even the slightest bit? Going cold might be an attempt to detach and reassure himself that the divorce IS something he wants? I don't know. Hang in there, Sophie. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Someone up above said that the problem with grief "stages" is that we get the idea they are linear, and I agree. This is not a "check a box now that I'm through that phase" journey. This journey is all over the map, up and down, side to side, etc. You just have to keep doing what YOU know is right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 I went through the stages of grief many times throughout my divorce. I think you grieve over many different things. You lose a lot when you divorce, each aspect can trigger the whole thing over again. Hang in there Sophie. MC can be painful, that's for sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 My husband has remained completely dark. He hasn’t contacted me once in what will be a week soon. Even yesterday was the day I was supposed to see I didn’t. He was supposed come pick the kids up around 6 like he usually does but he sent me a short text telling me he would pick them up from school on Friday instead of coming to pick them up like he usually does. I’m pretty sure he did like this so he wouldn’t have to see me which kills me inside. I don’t understand how a week ago he was holding my hand, giving me hugs and little kiss to being this cold. It’s like I don’t even exist. I can’t stop trying I feel like I lost him for good. Hang in there! He's trying to separate from you. This was his next step after the divorce. It is something betrayed spouses do to make their emotional state easier since they are aware that they still have feelings for their spouses. I’m being to think going to MC with him was a big mistake nothing good was come from it. It was supposed to helps us communicate with each other and to express ourselves. I thought it would help get my feelings out and show how truly sorry I’m for hurting and betraying him I am. I also thought he would feel self in that kind of environment and talk more about the way he was feeling. Now it seems to be blowing up in my face. I made everything worse by asking him to go MC and now I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost, confused and scared that I lost any chance of every getting him back. All I want is a chance to show him I can love him the right way, chance to bring my family together again. I don’t know how else to make him realize I would do anything for another chance. I’m trying to stay strong but I can’t do it any more I love him so much I don’t know what to do without him.No. MC was not a big mistake. This is all uncharted territory and there was no way that you could tell that this was coming. Look at it this way. A week or so ago you went out with him, had fun, he had fun, small kisses were exchanged and so on. Now you are getting what's called the 180, a 180 degree turn around. Which behavior was the true one? I'd bet that it was the having fun and kisses him. This cold behavior is something intellectual that makes things easier for him. He clearly feels that he needs a divorce and he needs to detach. You are naturally afraid that you can't cope with this. But you can! It is probably the hardest thing you have ever done or will do but you will not come apart over this. You need to be strong and you will be strong. You will be the woman that he can be proud of. And you have many friends here. Many. When you need to vent, this is the place for it. Really. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 I talked to my father about his girlfriend's affair and pregnancy with another man and he told me he forgave her for their daughter they had together and because they were in a distant relationship, but he never could forget. Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 My husband has remained completely dark. He hasn’t contacted me once in what will be a week soon. Even yesterday was the day I was supposed to see I didn’t. He was supposed come pick the kids up around 6 like he usually does but he sent me a short text telling me he would pick them up from school on Friday instead of coming to pick them up like he usually does. I’m pretty sure he did like this so he wouldn’t have to see me which kills me inside. I don’t understand how a week ago he was holding my hand, giving me hugs and little kiss to being this cold. It’s like I don’t even exist. I can’t stop trying I feel like I lost him for good. I’m being to think going to MC with him was a big mistake nothing good was come from it. It was supposed to helps us communicate with each other and to express ourselves. I thought it would help get my feelings out and show how truly sorry I’m for hurting and betraying him I am. I also thought he would feel self in that kind of environment and talk more about the way he was feeling. Now it seems to be blowing up in my face. I made everything worse by asking him to go MC and now I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost, confused and scared that I lost any chance of every getting him back. All I want is a chance to show him I can love him the right way, chance to bring my family together again. I don’t know how else to make him realize I would do anything for another chance. I’m trying to stay strong but I can’t do it any more I love him so much I don’t know what to do without him. Sophie, I was really hoping that this would all work out for you, your story is one of the very rare cases where I feel such empathy for both the BS and the WS. My advice below may sound a little harsh, to an extent, but I truly hoped that things would work out between you and your husband. First of all, I believe that MC was a big mistake, but don't beat yourself up over it, no one can know for sure. You expected to get him to open up and express his emotions and to help you communicate with each other in MC, in the middle of a divorce. This is trying far too hard, he filed for the divorce, your marriage is over, there is no changing that. If you do manage to save your relationship, your old marriage would still be over, you will both have to start over and build a new marriage. To your husband, your marriage is broken and you are no longer the same woman that he married, you're not. And you're not giving him time and space to find out if he wants the new woman that you've become, because you will never be the same again. Think back to the beginning of your relationship, did you hound him until he caved in? Did you suggest MC or IC? Did you all but give up on your life to win him over? Did you appear needy at all? I wasn't there of course, but I could probably guess no to all of those questions. You probably showed interest and you two engaged in some light chasing and backing off, eventually building what became your marriage. The natural, instintual game of finding a mate. Right now you're the woman that won't leave him alone, that he may want but isn't sure, the woman that has hurt him like no other has before. He doesn't have to chase even a little, he doesn't have to work and hope for a relationship, he knows that it's right there if he wants it, but your pushing is only hurting you both. I mean look, you two were great co-parents for awhile, and now it looks like that may even take a dive if things don't stop. He's picking the kids up from school now instead? That's really bad. Sophie, I think that it's time to back off a little before he is pushed away even further. I suggest that you try to talk to him, send a text or even write a letter, and tell him that you know that you've been pushing for him to stay with you, and that you're sorry for trying to make him decide before he was ready. That you realize that his feelings are his feelings and that you have no right to try to make him open up any longer. Tell him that you are now going to back off and work on putting your own life back together again and become a better person than before. Say that you do love him and always will, and that you will wait for him for a year or two and then you will move on with your life. You need to start working on yourself now Sophie, I can guarantee that your husband doesn't want a woman that isn't happy or seems to only want him back to make her happy. Work on making yourself happy now, it may just bring him back to you, and if not, then you'll still be happy with yourself. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Sophie: We know you face a rough day tomorrow. I just wanted to remind you that we are here for you. We will be with you in spirit -- you'll be able to feel us. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 This is all up to him now. All you can do is focus on yourself, be the best "Sophie" you can be, continuing working on yourself and be a great loving mom to your kids and hopefully as time goes on your husband will see the changes you've made, the efforts you've put in, believe you are remorseful and ready to totally earn his trust back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joanofark Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 how does an affair happen in a good marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
fallingdown2013 Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) how does an affair happen in a good marriage? Doing the right thing is very easy when you're steeped in remorse and guilt. It's much harder after several years of routine life, even in a "good marriage". The biggest tests in life occur unannounced. One doesn't even know they're being tested until it's too late. Edited March 5, 2014 by fallingdown2013 1 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 how does an affair happen in a good marriage? The answer to that will depend on who you ask and how many of their own demons they have chosen to conquer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 The biggest tests in life occur unannounced. One doesn't even know they're being tested until it's too late. Amazing quote- never thought of it that way- our OW approached my husband after we met her and her family on the beach on vacation-we were in a happy marriage at that time-as the A developed so did issues between my H and I-he tended to rewrite our history right after dday, I pulled out pictures of that time and it all fell in to place for him, yes, we were happy-he was tested and he failed- I never would have guessed he would have done that but he did-still stings- Link to post Share on other sites
SCAATY Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Sophie, You have a large enough following to have your own bboard. Most of us want happy endings and wish that our WS's would have been remorseful and taken responsibility. Most of us BS's have had much less than what you have shown. However, I encourage you to look back over the past posts and look at the large number of people who encourage you to take care of YOU! You cannot control your husband. Regardless of how one feels, sometimes there are simply no "do overs" for some of our actions. You should not define your happiness by the forgiveness of your husband. Regardless of your pasts decisions, you need to make the most of your one life. Best wishes and happy thoughts are coming your way. Sincerely, SCAATY Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 When we look back to the start of our journey we never expected to be in a place like this witnessing the total destruction of what took us so many dreams to create. How the f**k did any of us get to this place when we loved so deep? I can remember how proud I was as I watched her father walking her towards me in that church in St. Bruno, Quebec. I honestly can't remember ever feeling as lucky as I felt at that moment in my life. What bast*rdly twist of fate put me here, I never had a choice. Why Sofie did you make that choice when there were so many other choices that could have been made? Why wasn't your family more important to you at that time? Why is it so important now? Can you forgive yourself because you really need to work on you. Funny thing that I got out of my infidelity experience, she keeps trying to find someone like me and she can't. What do you make of that? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
tom670 Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 When we look back to the start of our journey we never expected to be in a place like this witnessing the total destruction of what took us so many dreams to create. How the f**k did any of us get to this place when we loved so deep? I can remember how proud I was as I watched her father walking her towards me in that church in St. Bruno, Quebec. I honestly can't remember ever feeling as lucky as I felt at that moment in my life. What bast*rdly twist of fate put me here, I never had a choice. Why Sofie did you make that choice when there were so many other choices that could have been made? Why wasn't your family more important to you at that time? Why is it so important now? Can you forgive yourself because you really need to work on you. Funny thing that I got out of my infidelity experience, she keeps trying to find someone like me and she can't. What do you make of that? Wow Well said and tragic for your ex and Sophie. Link to post Share on other sites
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