Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[RightThere]

sofie2013, do not date for at least 1 year. Because if you are and your BH finds out it will kill any thoughts he had warming up to recovery.

 

 

Plan a family activity with the kids and include BH. Make him have a nice time with you and the kids. This will make him see what he is missing.

 

 

If BH will not go send BH photos from that outing showing him the fun his missed. Have the kids tell him they had a great time and dad should of come.

 

I agree with all of this, except putting words in your kid's mouths. Don't play that tool as it could backfire as seeming manipulative. Pictures of the kids having a good time are totally fine. If the kids tell their dad how much fin they had, totally fine. Just don't put that idea in their head they need to tell their father.

[harrybrown]

I think both BS and WS suffer. And I kind of agree with you foremost part. It seems in the short run the BS suffers a lot more but in the long run they seem to be able to move on a lot better than a remorseful WS. Just in my personal life most of the BS I know all seems to be doing great.

 

I don't think anyone would want to be WS, I know a lot of us wish we could go back in time and change what we did

 

Still pulling for you Sophie. But as a BS many feel almost unbearable pain for a long time. Self-esteem is not what it used to be and wish I was never a BS.

 

Your H is hurting deep inside and feels like he is not your first choice, the OM was your first choice. (what he feels, or you would not having chosen the OM over him)

[sidney2718]

Meh.... Im going to be blunt here.

 

You said a few weeks back that something in you was "broken" and you werent sure youd be able to trust yourself to NOT cheat again if you guys were to ever R? I saw that and instantly lost respect for you and your story.

 

Going through this thread Ive found that Ive honestly yet to have much sympathy for you. Youve got a trove of probable wayward spouses telling you to "hang in there" which is frankly laughable. Youve made your bed and now you lie in it. Good on him for serving you the D and being out of that marriage in such a timely manner. Im actually surprised that he hasnt turned cold on you sooner to be honest. The fact that this thread has gone on as one big pity party for 82 pages is honestly sad.

 

Work on yourself.

 

I think it would have been better if you'd read the entire thread first. Sophie was simply stating a truth. None of us knows what we will do in the future and nobody can guarantee that they won't make a wrong choice.

 

That said, Sophie does NOT have a "probable wayward spouses telling you to 'hang in there'" We come from all sorts of backgrounds. Some are betrayed spouses who know the feelings, others are folks who have none of the infidelity problems this board deals with. We are giving Sophie more than advice, we are giving her our friendship at a time when she needs it most.

[DepressedinDenver]

I think it would have been better if you'd read the entire thread first. Sophie was simply stating a truth. None of us knows what we will do in the future and nobody can guarantee that they won't make a wrong choice.

 

 

Gonna have to disagree on this one. An affair is not a little mistake or making the wrong choice it is a string off awful choices one after another. I think people with well self restraint know this and how to avoid this. If she really is unsure if it would have happened again I dont know why she would even want to reconcile other than to not feel like a failure. :/

[fallingdown2013]

Gonna have to disagree on this one. An affair is not a little mistake or making the wrong choice it is a string off awful choices one after another. I think people with well self restraint know this and how to avoid this. If she really is unsure if it would have happened again I dont know why she would even want to reconcile other than to not feel like a failure. :/

 

I think Sophie wants to reconcile because she has lost something and she wants it back (i.e. her husband). It's a bit selfish, but most people would do the same, including myself. I do believe that Sophie never considered the incredible pain her affair would cause her husband, and indirectly her children. Why? She never thought she would get caught by her husband. This may be a nuanced point, but I would not want to be with someone who didn't cheat simply because they feared the consequences of their actions. I would want someone who didn't cheat because they had a strong sense of morality and self-restraint. In any event, I think Sophie will be one of the last people on this planet to cheat again...

[Sofie2013]

Meh.... Im going to be blunt here.

 

You said a few weeks back that something in you was "broken" and you werent sure youd be able to trust yourself to NOT cheat again if you guys were to ever R? I saw that and instantly lost respect for you and your story.

 

Going through this thread Ive found that Ive honestly yet to have much sympathy for you. Youve got a trove of probable wayward spouses telling you to "hang in there" which is frankly laughable. Youve made your bed and now you lie in it. Good on him for serving you the D and being out of that marriage in such a timely manner. Im actually surprised that he hasnt turned cold on you sooner to be honest. The fact that this thread has gone on as one big pity party for 82 pages is honestly sad.

 

Work on yourself.

 

 

 

If I remember correctly I wrote that about two months back. At the time I was thinking about a lot of things, how could I do this , why did I do this etc. and at the time I was doubting myself as a person . When I had my affair I did thing I thought I would never do. I lied to and hurt the people I cared the most about. Seeing all the pain I caused out of my own selfishness makes start to doubt yourself as a person. I didn’t know who I was anymore. What I was trying to say was I knew I was capable of having an affair and best way to prevent that from ever happening was to build my boundaries so I would never be placed in a position where It could lead to an affair

 

I know everything happening is my fallout I never hide from that. I have faced every consequences I have been given and I never blamed anyone but myself. With all that being said I destroyed everything I was not just going to sit back and let it happen I wanted to do everything I could to repair all damage I caused. That is why I came here not for any ones sympathy or pity. I wanted and need help and advice on how I could save everything I destroyed.

[Sofie2013]

Plan a family activity with the kids and include BH. Make him have a nice time with you and the kids. This will make him see what he is missing.

 

 

If BH will not go send BH photos from that outing showing him the fun his missed. Have the kids tell him they had a great time and dad should of come.

 

 

This sound kind of passive-aggressive, I don’t want to guilty trip him into spending time with me even if it’s with the boys

[ChooseTruth]

Meh.... Im going to be blunt here.

 

You said a few weeks back that something in you was "broken" and you werent sure youd be able to trust yourself to NOT cheat again if you guys were to ever R? I saw that and instantly lost respect for you and your story.

 

Going through this thread Ive found that Ive honestly yet to have much sympathy for you. Youve got a trove of probable wayward spouses telling you to "hang in there" which is frankly laughable. Youve made your bed and now you lie in it. Good on him for serving you the D and being out of that marriage in such a timely manner. Im actually surprised that he hasnt turned cold on you sooner to be honest. The fact that this thread has gone on as one big pity party for 82 pages is honestly sad.

 

Work on yourself.

And at the same time I gained more respect for her and her honesty. It's that fear and recognition of her own frailties that makes her stronger than other people who think they are invincible and are less inclined to take precations. She has a more realistic mature view now than most people imo. I sad the same back then in this thread, but I feel it bears repeating. I would much rather be with someone who recognizes and understands their own human limitations.

 

 

Sophie, I'm sorry things have turn out this way so far, but hang on and live life just like you are saying. You are on a good path it sounds like.

[Trimmer]

If BH will not go send BH photos from that outing showing him the fun his missed. Have the kids tell him they had a great time and dad should of come.

I'm not usually this aggressive on here, but when it comes to kids...

 

F*** this advice.

 

Do NOT use the kids as a tool of communication, subtle prodding, manipulation, or anything like it. When it comes to the kids, you nurture their relationship with yourself, you support, encourage, and foster their relationship with the other parent as well, and you do nothing to put them in a position of advancing a marital agenda, or having to (even implicitly) choose or declare loyalties, which includes putting them in a position to "convince" the other parent of anything. Do not do this.

[Trimmer]

Meh.... Im going to be blunt here....

 

Youve got a trove of probable wayward spouses telling you to "hang in there" which is frankly laughable.

Well then, I'll be blunt, too. You've got all of 6 posts under your belt, over the past 4 months of membership, and even if you're a sock puppet or a returned amnesty poster, then from your incorrect inference that those posting support and encouragement in this thread are mostly waywards, you don't know the community very well.

 

You've certainly got a right to your blunt opinion (and there are bits of it I agree with), but given your flawed premise, your blanket putdown of others' advice is hardly credible.

 

Work on yourself.

On this, you and many of the rest of us agree.

[Sofie2013]

I got a call from my new boss and she wants me to come into tomorrow and Friday. Just to go over what’s expected of me and other things. And she wants me to start working Monday. Super exited this gives me something else to focus on and it helps keep my mind off other things in my life that aren’t going so well.

 

Ex hubby is still cold hasn’t made any kind of contact with me yet. I have been thinking of just sending him a quick text or something just to ask how he’s doing. I don’t know just don’t feel like it’s a good idea.

[bwright42tx]

I got a call from my new boss and she wants me to come into tomorrow and Friday. Just to go over what’s expected of me and other things. And she wants me to start working Monday. Super exited this gives me something else to focus on and it helps keep my mind off other things in my life that aren’t going so well.

 

Ex hubby is still cold hasn’t made any kind of contact with me yet. I have been thinking of just sending him a quick text or something just to ask how he’s doing. I don’t know just don’t feel like it’s a good idea.

 

I would definitely reach out to him. Nothing too serious, just a quick little note that shows you still care about him and what is going on in his life.

[Fluttershy]

I wouldn't be surprised if your ex feels the need to test the waters again. He had to make a point by waitinf until you were D in order to do so. As much as it hurts you the thought I know you know the pain he experienced from

Your A was greater. Hang in there. Keep going as you are. I think being single for a while is a great choice regardless of him or even your kids. Being able to be single and enjoy life is great. And it also helps to show yourself that it isn't fear pf being alone that drives your desire of a second chance.

 

Don't get me wrong. I think it is good for your kids too. Lots of changes in there life. They need some time for this to be normalacy. I just know sans kids being single for a while can be very healthy.

[sidney2718]

Ex hubby is still cold hasn’t made any kind of contact with me yet. I have been thinking of just sending him a quick text or something just to ask how he’s doing. I don’t know just don’t feel like it’s a good idea.

 

I am not sure about this. I suspect it is not a good idea. Clearly he wants to be left alone right now.

[atreides]

I got a call from my new boss and she wants me to come into tomorrow and Friday. Just to go over what’s expected of me and other things. And she wants me to start working Monday. Super exited this gives me something else to focus on and it helps keep my mind off other things in my life that aren’t going so well.

 

Ex hubby is still cold hasn’t made any kind of contact with me yet. I have been thinking of just sending him a quick text or something just to ask how he’s doing. I don’t know just don’t feel like it’s a good idea.

 

Text him, you have past the D, there is nothing else to lose or defend. it's a new start and asking how someone is doing.... is not exactly "want to forgive me and start over and maybe go on date later?"

[Sofie2013]

I wouldn't be surprised if your ex feels the need to test the waters again. He had to make a point by waitinf until you were D in order to do so. As much as it hurts you the thought I know you know the pain he experienced from

Your A was greater. Hang in there. Keep going as you are. I think being single for a while is a great choice regardless of him or even your kids. Being able to be single and enjoy life is great. And it also helps to show yourself that it isn't fear pf being alone that drives your desire of a second chance.

 

Don't get me wrong. I think it is good for your kids too. Lots of changes in there life. They need some time for this to be normalacy. I just know sans kids being single for a while can be very healthy.

 

 

I don’t even want to think about him with any other women, hearing the rumors is bad enough I rather not think about it. Out of sight out of mind

 

I never been scared of being alone, apart of me is kind of looking forward to it. I never really had a chance to be on my own and build a life that was my own. I was kind of shy through high school and didn’t really break out of my shell until I meet hubby. Most of my friends where original his friends and we just become closer over time. It also helped he had a lot of female friends. Now I kind of have a chance so explore the world and finds what makes me happy. I would rather be with him but have try to stay optimistic for the future

 

I feel really good today

[Sofie2013]

Text him, you have past the D, there is nothing else to lose or defend. it's a new start and asking how someone is doing.... is not exactly "want to forgive me and start over and maybe go on date later?"

 

I will reach out to him in a week or so if he doesn’t contact me. I’m give him a little more time to himself.

[TobyBoy]

I will reach out to him in a week or so if he doesn’t contact me. I’m give him a little more time to himself.

 

Yes, and keep it simple and about him. A simple "thank you" for being an "amazing father, husband, friend...etc.." and "have a great day" at the end.

[sidney2718]

I will reach out to him in a week or so if he doesn’t contact me. I’m give him a little more time to himself.

 

Sofie, one thought that I just had. During the period while the divorce was underway, your husband had no trouble being with you, talking to you, having fun with you, and even being a bit affectionate toward you.

 

Since the divorce became final he's turned cold and distant.

 

Here's the thought (the idea is not original with me): the opposite of love is NOT hate. It is indifference. Your husband is not indifferent. Being cold is still an emotional display. It is as if he's trying to contain his more normal emotions behind a wall. There isn't anything you can do to change that.

 

Reaching out to him might work. Just let him know, without an avalanche of emotion, that you still care.

 

The waiting must be awful. I'd not wait. You undoubtedly have other interests. Follow them. Get involved. (I am NOT saying that you should date!) It will be good for you and show your husband that your desire for him is one adult to another, not that of a drowning woman trying to reach a life raft.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie, one thought that I just had. During the period while the divorce was underway, your husband had no trouble being with you, talking to you, having fun with you, and even being a bit affectionate toward you.

 

Since the divorce became final he's turned cold and distant.

 

Here's the thought (the idea is not original with me): the opposite of love is NOT hate. It is indifference. Your husband is not indifferent. Being cold is still an emotional display. It is as if he's trying to contain his more normal emotions behind a wall. There isn't anything you can do to change that.

 

Reaching out to him might work. Just let him know, without an avalanche of emotion, that you still care.

 

The waiting must be awful. I'd not wait. You undoubtedly have other interests. Follow them. Get involved. (I am NOT saying that you should date!) It will be good for you and show your husband that your desire for him is one adult to another, not that of a drowning woman trying to reach a life raft.

Before he seemed happy being able to spend time together a lot of times he pushed for it. And he was affectionate he would hug me, give little kisses and hold my hand.

 

He could be bottling up his emotions it wouldn’t surprise me. I have no doubt the way he acting is his way of trying to move on. They’re really isn’t anything I can to help I know I would be the last person he would want to talk involving his emotions.

 

I will reach out to him. I might do it over the weekend if I don’t get a chance to see him today. I don’t know if he plans to pick the kids from school or if he plans to pick them up here.

 

I’m trying to keep busy I have a fun weekend planned with my older sister so that does help. Staying busy does help a lot so that’s what I try to do. The nights are still the hardest and most nights I still have trouble sleeping. It harder getting used sleeping alone when you been with the person almost your whole adult life

[Sofie2013]

My first two today at work went great. It’s away better working environment then my previous job. Everyone is very in tuned with what has to be done and take their jobs very seriously but still very helpful and nice. The most important part is my pay could be a lot better than my previous job. For the first six months i will be getting on an hourly basis, the six months is also probationary period after that I will be on a salary which will be better than my previous employment and better benefits.

 

I owe my BIL big time, I’m going to have come up with something to pay him back as a thank you

[sidney2718]

My first two today at work went great. It’s away better working environment then my previous job. Everyone is very in tuned with what has to be done and take their jobs very seriously but still very helpful and nice. The most important part is my pay could be a lot better than my previous job. For the first six months i will be getting on an hourly basis, the six months is also probationary period after that I will be on a salary which will be better than my previous employment and better benefits.

 

I owe my BIL big time, I’m going to have come up with something to pay him back as a thank you

 

And don't think that job would have happened against your former husband's wishes. He may be punishing you, but he's not trying to grind you into the ground.

[miguelcervantes]

I agree that he is bottling up his emotions and is acting how he thinks he is supposed to act now that he is officially divorced. However based on everything that you have told us so far, there is still love for you and that hopefully will find its way to the top again.

[Sofie2013]

I saw hubby today. The twins came home on the bus and hubby came and picked them up. We didn’t really talk. He wasn’t cold he just wasn’t in the best of mode. He really looked like crap as if he hasn’t slept in a few days. I asked if he if he was ok, he said he was fine. I really didn’t push it so I dropped it. I did send him a text after he left asking if he was ok and if he need someone to talk I would always be here he hasn’t answer yet I don’t think he will I just wanted him to know I was available if he needed me.

 

I hate seeing him like that I just hope I’m not part of the reason he’s like that.

.

[miguelcervantes]

Of course he is going to look like crap and have sleepless nights. He is hurting and unfortunately, yes the divorce is causing this. However, as I said before, it also means that there is still emotion and love - which is a good thing. You are handling it well Sofie so don't worry. Keep going and stay strong.