xAkulax Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 So do you think the term rugsweeping is only allowed to be used when dealing with infedility and can only be used in that sense to describe pretending the A never happened? Will by definition yeah. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Will by definition yeah. Well then that is where we disagree. The term rugsweeping is used for a variety of situations. From the workplace to the mariatal relationship. As you believe it is only used for that one situation I get where you are at then. Link to post Share on other sites
xAkulax Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Well then that is where we disagree. The term rugsweeping is used for a variety of situations. From the workplace to the mariatal relationship. As you believe it is only used for that one situation I get where you are at then. will I am glad we can agree to disagree respectfully and I do see where you're coming from maybe it's just semantics. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I am not minimizing anything. I was merely pointing out that for some people D isn't a hard choice or difficult. Obviously it is for most but every rule has an exception. I know this person who is on relationship 3 and she is a close family member and trust me. Divorce is an easy choice for her. Deny t all you want but that doesn't make my statment untrue. Infidelity is a huge problem with people. Always has been and always will be. And I wasn't meaning people "rugsweep" the affair. They rugsweep their emotions, the trauma, the reality, the chance to learn and grow. There are people who are surprised that the divorce didn't make the ugliness and pain go away because it doesn't for everyone. They basically swept being cheated on and the WS under a rug and moved on woth their life. Only to later learn they still have feelings to sort out and deal eith. It boggles my mind how many people think certain actions are a monopoly. Situations are varied. There are always exceptions. People who jump from one marriage to the next and consider all kinds of things to be dealbreakers and cause for divorce. But I would hardly call choosing to divorce over infidelity to be the same as divorcing on a whim or for little to no reason. As I said, infidelity is the most difficult and painful thing to go through in a marriage. It results in broken trust which is very difficult to restore. It makes the BS feel like they are not cared about, valued, respected, or loved. It makes them doubt the WS's true feelings towards them. For most people, the decision to divorce is a very painful one. Most people will have ambivalent feelings about divorcing, and do not take that decision lightly. Most BS's do not rugsweep their emotions after an affair. They agonize over the affair, and their emotions are raw and overwhelming. You mention the BS's give up the chance to learn and grow if they decide to divorce rather than reconcile. Perhaps with respect to learning how to make their marriage stronger through MC. A lot of people don't want to try to repair what is badly broken, and think it makes more sense to start fresh with someone whom they don't have such painful history with or broken trust. I wouldn't call that rugsweeping. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 There are always exceptions. People who jump from one marriage to the next and consider all kinds of things to be dealbreakers and cause for divorce. But I would hardly call choosing to divorce over infidelity to be the same as divorcing on a whim or for little to no reason. As I said, infidelity is the most difficult and painful thing to go through in a marriage. It results in broken trust which is very difficult to restore. It makes the BS feel like they are not cared about, valued, respected, or loved. It makes them doubt the WS's true feelings towards them. For most people, the decision to divorce is a very painful one. Most people will have ambivalent feelings about divorcing, and do not take that decision lightly. Most BS's do not rugsweep their emotions after an affair. They agonize over the affair, and their emotions are raw and overwhelming. You mention the BS's give up the chance to learn and grow if they decide to divorce rather than reconcile. Perhaps with respect to learning how to make their marriage stronger through MC. A lot of people don't want to try to repair what is badly broken, and think it makes more sense to start fresh with someone whom they don't have such painful history with or broken trust. I wouldn't call that rugsweeping. I think you are misunderstanding me. I never said all I said some. Some BS choose divorce and if they feel they nee to I would never suggest they give up a chance to learn and grow. You can do so no matter you stay or go. I meant and i am sure it is clear unless you can't see past tour own opinion that there are people who chose divorce and then stop making postive changes in themselves for their lives. Just because you make one right descision foesn't gurantee you continue. It is like someone ending their affair (right descision) but not doing any real work on themselves. Just because they end their affair doesn't mean they will continue on a healing path. Just because someone divorces doesn't mean they will continue on a healing path. That was my point. I just don't care for it to be twisted somehow into me saying divorcing is giving up a chance to grow or thatI am minimizing affairs. Because i never said that or inpliedit. That is your own perception and far of interpetation of my words. Link to post Share on other sites
veritas lux mea Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Sorry, Sophie, things aren't looking good on the ex side of things. But I am happy to hear you are doing well in the personal growth side of things. Any noise from the other couple? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Infidelity is a huge problem with people. Always has been and always will be. And I wasn't meaning people "rugsweep" the affair. They rugsweep their emotions, the trauma, the reality, the chance to learn and grow. Really? The "chance" to learn and grow from being victimized by the ultimate spousal betrayal? Are you sure you are a BW? Because you sound so much like a WW and you always have in your LS posts. Anyway, I would have loved to miss my chance to learn and grow from the most traumatic emotional event of my life. And I'm here to tell you that I didn't learn a thing from my wife's cheating and I didn't grow a bit from that betrayal. Sorry to disappoint... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veritas lux mea Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Really? The "chance" to learn and grow from being victimized by the ultimate spousal betrayal? Are you sure you are a BW? Because you sound so much like a WW and you always have in your LS posts. Anyway, I would have loved to miss my chance to learn and grow from the most traumatic emotional event of my life. And I'm here to tell you that I didn't learn a thing from my wife's cheating and I didn't grow a bit from that betrayal. Sorry to disappoint... I don't think my husband did either. But that doesn't mean some people don't. I wouldn't say no one can take **** and turn it into manure and grow a beauitful garden out of it. Maybe that girl who realizes after her seriel cheating bastard of a SO will grow and work on herself and learn that she deserves far better than that crap. I'd call that growing. But that is just me and what do I know? I am a fWS and a crazy one at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted March 19, 2014 Author Share Posted March 19, 2014 Hang in there Sofie! Don't descend into despair. As for your ex-husband, perhaps when the stress of his job settles down, you could give him a bit of extra time with your kids. I think he might appreciate that. I try not. It’s hard because one week everything will be good I’m happy, upbeat and everything seems to go my way then something always happens and I realize how much I hurt him and how much he’s still suffering. I can’t do anything about but watch it just sucks all around. Yeah I want him to spend more time with the kids. It would be good for the 3 of them. I’m trying to find a cool activity the 3 of them could do together and have fun doing. I thought about sending them to go watch a Knicks game but the tickets are so expensive but we took them last year and they had a blast we'll see what happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xAkulax Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I try not. It’s hard because one week everything will be good I’m happy, upbeat and everything seems to go my way then something always happens and I realize how much I hurt him and how much he’s still suffering. I can’t do anything about but watch it just sucks all around. Yeah I want him to spend more time with the kids. It would be good for the 3 of them. I’m trying to find a cool activity the 3 of them could do together and have fun doing. I thought about sending them to go watch a Knicks game but the tickets are so expensive but we took them last year and they had a blast we'll see what happens. I hate to go off topic but are the knicks any good this year I haven't been following them lately Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 I try not. It’s hard because one week everything will be good I’m happy, upbeat and everything seems to go my way then something always happens and I realize how much I hurt him and how much he’s still suffering. I can’t do anything about but watch it just sucks all around. Yeah I want him to spend more time with the kids. It would be good for the 3 of them. I’m trying to find a cool activity the 3 of them could do together and have fun doing. I thought about sending them to go watch a Knicks game but the tickets are so expensive but we took them last year and they had a blast we'll see what happens. I think the roller coaster is perfectly normal. It is similar to a BS as it is something completely out of your control. There is nothing you can do to change your past descisions. That carries many ups and downs with it. Hoepfully in time the ride smooths out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
xAkulax Posted March 19, 2014 Share Posted March 19, 2014 Sofie i'm not shore what your budget is but you might find some good deal for tickets on Stub hub or Ticketmaster Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 Sofie: Just a note to bump the thread and to let you know that we are still here for you. Let us know how you are when you get the time and feel up to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted March 22, 2014 Author Share Posted March 22, 2014 Things are going pretty good right now. My new job is awesome. I really like working here. The work load is a little bit more then I’m custom too. Things with ex hubby are getting better we at least talk now. Anytime we talk it’s mostly about the kids which is fine. He actually came back Wednesday night from his business trip Thursday in the morning he talked and asked if he could see the kids that Thursday which was fine with me. He went most of that Thursday here with kids in our home. The three of them looked really happy together. I asked kids if they wanted to spend a few extra days with hubby they did. I let them go with him. I really don’t like being away from them either but they looked so happy together and at the end of the day that’s what I really want. I do have some good news. My brother and Ex Bil are a throwing a party Sunday for the real Madrid and Barcelona game on Sunday. I know without a doubt hubby is going to be there and of course I’m going me and my sister plan to go together. Hopefully we get to spend some time together if not that’s ok it still should be a blast. Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 Great stuff Sofie! Enjoy the day! Clasico finale! Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo! Well Barca are the Spanish champions. Great opportunity to relax and bond with him. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 Things are going pretty good right now. My new job is awesome. I really like working here. The work load is a little bit more then I’m custom too. Things with ex hubby are getting better we at least talk now. Anytime we talk it’s mostly about the kids which is fine. He actually came back Wednesday night from his business trip Thursday in the morning he talked and asked if he could see the kids that Thursday which was fine with me. He went most of that Thursday here with kids in our home. The three of them looked really happy together. I asked kids if they wanted to spend a few extra days with hubby they did. I let them go with him. I really don’t like being away from them either but they looked so happy together and at the end of the day that’s what I really want. I do have some good news. My brother and Ex Bil are a throwing a party Sunday for the real Madrid and Barcelona game on Sunday. I know without a doubt hubby is going to be there and of course I’m going me and my sister plan to go together. Hopefully we get to spend some time together if not that’s ok it still should be a blast. Sofie, you're doing very well. It warms my heart to read your thread. Keep this up. I really do believe your hubby is in watch and wait mode...he's observing you post D very carefully right now. You gave him his space, even though it was tough; you're freely letting the kids spend time with him; and you're looking forward to going to a mutual get together. Those are all good post D actions. Thanks for keeping us up to date. Sending good thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 Things are going pretty good right now. My new job is awesome. I really like working here. The work load is a little bit more then I’m custom too. Things with ex hubby are getting better we at least talk now. Anytime we talk it’s mostly about the kids which is fine. He actually came back Wednesday night from his business trip Thursday in the morning he talked and asked if he could see the kids that Thursday which was fine with me. He went most of that Thursday here with kids in our home. The three of them looked really happy together. I asked kids if they wanted to spend a few extra days with hubby they did. I let them go with him. I really don’t like being away from them either but they looked so happy together and at the end of the day that’s what I really want. I do have some good news. My brother and Ex Bil are a throwing a party Sunday for the real Madrid and Barcelona game on Sunday. I know without a doubt hubby is going to be there and of course I’m going me and my sister plan to go together. Hopefully we get to spend some time together if not that’s ok it still should be a blast. Sofie, that's wonderful! Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Things are going pretty good right now. My new job is awesome. I really like working here. The work load is a little bit more then I’m custom too. Things with ex hubby are getting better we at least talk now. Anytime we talk it’s mostly about the kids which is fine. He actually came back Wednesday night from his business trip Thursday in the morning he talked and asked if he could see the kids that Thursday which was fine with me. He went most of that Thursday here with kids in our home. The three of them looked really happy together. I asked kids if they wanted to spend a few extra days with hubby they did. I let them go with him. I really don’t like being away from them either but they looked so happy together and at the end of the day that’s what I really want. I do have some good news. My brother and Ex Bil are a throwing a party Sunday for the real Madrid and Barcelona game on Sunday. I know without a doubt hubby is going to be there and of course I’m going me and my sister plan to go together. Hopefully we get to spend some time together if not that’s ok it still should be a blast. A couple of cool things here, I think. First, the fact that in spite of your missing your kids, you recognize and support that spending time with their father is good for them - is good for everyone. Having a little flexibility, and supporting their time with him is a great thing for them, and I truly believe it will pay off in their certainty that they can count on both of you not to put them in the stressful position of being "in the middle" of some kind of a battleground. Second, the idea that "either way it's going to be a blast" is a really healthy way to approach it, and it shows that you are moving forward in the direction of becoming satisfied with yourself as a complete individual and making your own happiness, instead of feeling like the only way to be complete and satisfied is to "fill the hole" and needing to find someone before you can be whole again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Hey Sofie just starting reading some of the posts, sincerely sorry for the mental anguish. belive me, I can relate. anyhow the fact that H knew all along about it and not saying nutin about it is bizarre. Sofie are you thinking what I'm that this was a set up? Didn't you write about him making partner in his law firm. Hey ya Sofie if this was my situation I'd hit him with a child custody lawsuit. this dude smells like a slime bucket, in your face all nicey wisey in reality he doesn't want to give a monthly stipend. these people make me mad the very fact that he got the bolls to be nice wen obviously he's not your friend speaks volumes. btw some one is chirping in his ear. the human being will always betray you! just trust the number$ So her husband had an elaborate plan to make her have an affair so that he wouldn't have to pay child support? Sounds totally plausible. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 dunno what i do know is that you think that you know people, until they get money. money changes everything and everybody. The human being will always betray you! you have to trust the number$. but why would he have children with her and then set her up ? Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 Originally Posted by musicmusk dunno what i do know is that you think that you know people, until they get money. money changes everything and everybody. but why would he have children with her and then set her up ? Folks, please don't let this thread be hijacked. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 I hope everybody had a great weekend. I know I did My Saturday was good I spent most of the day with my sister. Sunday I did go El Clasico party my BIL and brother where having. My husband also was there. He kind of a avoid me for most of the party I kind just give him his space. As the party went on and we stared watching the game we ended up sitting next to each other. If you watched the game you would know the game got extremely intense and crazy no one knew who was going to win. After Barca scored the last goal to win the game hubby picked me up and kissed me out of nowhere. I don’t think he meant to do it but if you knew my husband he get very emotional during those kind of games it was just a spur of the moment he did ended up spilling my drink on my shirt in the process. Obviously it was mistake and since it was somewhat of an expensive shirt he told me he would by me a new I told me I would rather him take me to diner he just smiled he didn’t say yes or no so hopefully I can get a dinner out of it. We did share a little conversation over texts after the party. We haven’t talked today yet but that’s ok just going to keep living my life day by day and we’ll see what happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sofie2013 Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 A couple of cool things here, I think. First, the fact that in spite of your missing your kids, you recognize and support that spending time with their father is good for them - is good for everyone. Having a little flexibility, and supporting their time with him is a great thing for them, and I truly believe it will pay off in their certainty that they can count on both of you not to put them in the stressful position of being "in the middle" of some kind of a battleground. Second, the idea that "either way it's going to be a blast" is a really healthy way to approach it, and it shows that you are moving forward in the direction of becoming satisfied with yourself as a complete individual and making your own happiness, instead of feeling like the only way to be complete and satisfied is to "fill the hole" and needing to find someone before you can be whole again. I will always want my boys to be able to spend as much time as possible with their father. I always felt a good father is the most important thing in a young man’s life. I have always felt a good father is kind of undervalued and sometimes made to seem unimportant. My mom always made it a point to show me and my siblings how important and how much our father did for us. I just want my kids to know the same. My counselor has made it a point to make me realize no one can make me happy but myself. The people around me can only enhance my happiness. And I’m trying to learn to do that. Besides no one wants to be wants to be with someone who is always miserable. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I will always want my boys to be able to spend as much time as possible with their father. I always felt a good father is the most important thing in a young man’s life. I have always felt a good father is kind of undervalued and sometimes made to seem unimportant. My mom always made it a point to show me and my siblings how important and how much our father did for us. I just want my kids to know the same. My counselor has made it a point to make me realize no one can make me happy but myself. The people around me can only enhance my happiness. And I’m trying to learn to do that. Besides no one wants to be wants to be with someone who is always miserable. You make such good sense and seem to be so genuine and loving that it is hard to reconcile the woman you portray as the woman who cheated on her husband. I am sure your husband is having the same issue, trying to reconcile you with the woman who broke his heart. He needs time and you are right for giving him space and time no matter how hard it is for you at times. I think you are doing a great service posting here and letting those who have not yet cheated see how hard it is to lose the love of your life. Best, Grumps 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 he loved her, kids were the bi-product of that love. Sofie what is his vice? some men start gambling the moment that money greases thier hands, others its coke,strippers. obviously he's doing something cos he aint home with you. what does he do? I feel disrespected when guys smile in my face and tell lies... he's all smiles and kisses yet aint with you and the kids in the home... why:mad: Have you actually read Sofie's thread? If you did, you would realise that what you are posting is completely unrelated to actual events. Link to post Share on other sites
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