Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[road]

Obviously it was mistake and since it was somewhat of an expensive shirt he told me he would by me a new I told me I would rather him take me to diner he just smiled he didn’t say yes or no so hopefully I can get a dinner out of it.

 

 

 

Good plan A'ing. Keep thinking ahead.

[BHsigh]

Obviously it was mistake and since it was somewhat of an expensive shirt he told me he would by me a new I told me I would rather him take me to diner he just smiled he didn’t say yes or no so hopefully I can get a dinner out of it. We did share a little conversation over texts after the party. We haven’t talked today yet but that’s ok just going to keep living my life day by day and we’ll see what happens.

 

Good move Sophie, you made that move really well. You stated your desire in a fun, light way. Him smiling after is a good sign.

[petee]

Sophie, have you thought about involving him in the Easter holidays? Some more time together with the children seems a good idea; keeping things ticking over can't hurt?

[fallingdown2013]

Being evasive is not being honest.

 

 

Not being honest is not owning what one did 100%.

 

 

That is what difference does it make.

 

 

Telling a BH a few times is seen as deliberately misleading.

 

 

Telling a BH with a number whether 3 times or 33 times is being accurate and that is being honest.

 

 

The lack of honesty can be enough to make a BH want a divorce. When the even the number 333 could of not been to much to take.

 

I didn't express myself clearly enough. I agree that Sophie should provide any details requested by her ex-husband. I was just asking why the poster wanted this information at this stage of the thread? How will this information help us to provide advice for Sophie? I'm one of the last people who will defend a WS, but asking this question now seems unnecessary and bit cruel.

[ChooseTruth]

Anyone who has not seen by now that Sophie is remorseful plain doesn't WANT to see it...which tells me more about them than about Sophie.

I'm all for Sofie getting her man back because of her obvious remorse...but JJThompkins was replying to a post I didn't agree with either.

 

This is what set him off:

It is no big deal.

 

She slept with another guy a few times. What did husband really lose? Not much. She still loves him, she still cares for him and wants family together. How did a few times of sex changed that? Also husband had an affair earlier too, before the relationship. And Sofie forgave him.

 

I think he's overreacting with this whole divorce thing. If he really cares about family, he should just move on and be together with his wife that obviously loves him. But if he really intends to keep together after divorce and it is just symbolic, maybe ok. I'm not huge on symbolism, I would just hate to see this wonderful family broken by what ultimately was no big deal.

 

And frankly it is a big deal. It's very very hard to regain trust and I would never blame any BS for throwing in the towel after what happened. He followed her for who knows how long...and it took her a while to come to her senses even after the call to the hotel room. I can't blame him honestly. Affairs result in a lot of nasty stuff, like children out of wedlock...I almost had to raise another man's son! Not a big deal??

 

I do think she's turned a corner though and I am part of the crowd routing for her at this point.

[mr_dave]

It is no big deal.

 

She slept with another guy a few times. What did husband really lose? Not much. She still loves him, she still cares for him and wants family together. How did a few times of sex changed that? Also husband had an affair earlier too, before the relationship. And Sofie forgave him.

 

I think he's overreacting with this whole divorce thing. If he really cares about family, he should just move on and be together with his wife that obviously loves him. But if he really intends to keep together after divorce and it is just symbolic, maybe ok. I'm not huge on symbolism, I would just hate to see this wonderful family broken by what ultimately was no big deal.

 

If only we could downvote posts! This would probably be on -100.

I hope no decent guy has the misfortune of entering a relationship with a woman possessing similar attitudes to yours...

 

He lost all trust in his wife. What's the point of having a wife if you can't trust her, and she puts another guy's dick above your heart, feelings, marriage and the best interests of her children?

From his point of view, all he can see is that his wife loves him so much that she jumped on another guy for a grubby shag at the first opportunity and lied about it.

To be fair to Sophie it seems she is genuinely remorseful, but how does he know that? How can he ever trust or believe in her love for him again?

It's love that isn't deep enough to stop her plunging a knife into his heart when she feels horny.

 

This post isn't to make Sophie feel bad, but coming from a guy who was cheated on this might be along the lines of what he is thinking...

[William]

To prevent a threadjack from starting, I'm going to close this up for now.

 

Updated: The thread starter requested that the discussion continue and moderation directs respondents to direct their comments to the thread starter as she works her issue and to refrain from engaging in cross-talk about other topics and/or forum politics, as such have nothing to do with the topic of this thread.

Edited April 1, 2014 by William
Re-opened thread.

[Sofie2013]

I doubt that he is passing his time alone at home thinking about sofie... come on what am I a dumbsky... maybe he's washing his hair too. The question stands what's he doing after work and where's he doing it?

 

People can say ahh! he's down at the pub drowning his sorrows in drink thinking about her, but from reading sofie's it doesn't appear that he is depressed. The devil is in the details once we find out where's he at and when is he coming home. then will know if this story is true. I'm sporting man it's obvious that I'm betting against the house. details from her are critical.

 

 

I don’t know what he’s doing after work or on his free time. I no doubt he’s not spending his time thinking about me. Whatever he does on his free time that’s up to him. So I don’t know what he does on his free time. It’s not like he knows my ever move either. We are no longer married he can do what he wants I might not agree or like some of the things he may do but it’s his life he can do what he wants as long as it does not affect the kids negatively I can’t say anything.

[Sofie2013]

but why would he invite his ex w to a football game just after a divorce? just doesn't make sense.

 

 

He didn’t invite me go anywhere with. My brother and BIL invited the both of us separately.

[Sofie2013]

Sophie, have you thought about involving him in the Easter holidays? Some more time together with the children seems a good idea; keeping things ticking over can't hurt?

 

My mother already has something planned for Easter with my kids and her other grandchildren. We already talked about how that weekend is going to go and he didn't really seem interested in doing anything together with the kids.

[Sofie2013]

Being evasive is not being honest.

 

 

Not being honest is not owning what one did 100%.

 

 

That is what difference does it make.

 

 

Telling a BH a few times is seen as deliberately misleading.

 

 

Telling a BH with a number whether 3 times or 33 times is being accurate and that is being honest.

 

 

The lack of honesty can be enough to make a BH want a divorce. When the even the number 333 could of not been to much to take.

 

 

 

My husband knows the full details of my affair from the first time we stared talking/texting and when it became physical and when it ended. He knows the number of times we hooked up which is 3 times and the amount of times we meet for lunch to the amount of time we spent talking. Anything he wanted to know I told him. Most of it he already knew so there was no point in lying

[whichwayisup]

I don’t know what he’s doing after work or on his free time. I no doubt he’s not spending his time thinking about me. Whatever he does on his free time that’s up to him. So I don’t know what he does on his free time. It’s not like he knows my ever move either. We are no longer married he can do what he wants I might not agree or like some of the things he may do but it’s his life he can do what he wants as long as it does not affect the kids negatively I can’t say anything.

 

He is still grieving the loss, like you are. Even though it was his decision to divorce, you can pretty much bank that he never thought you two would not be married some day.

 

Space and time will heal these wounds. Future goal should be, a mutual respect for one another as co parents and being able to be on friendly terms for the kids sake.

[sidney2718]

My mother already has something planned for Easter with my kids and her other grandchildren. We already talked about how that weekend is going to go and he didn't really seem interested in doing anything together with the kids.

 

You know what to do. Make sure the kids have a good time with their family. That's the most important thing. You've not talked much about them but I'd think that they are a little confused but still happy to be with you or their father.

 

More opportunities will arise. He's no doubt trying to get used to life as a divorced man. There are probably things he likes about it (no, I'm not talking about women) and things he doesn't like about it. But this is a necessary thing for him.

 

I know you want him back with no strings attached. You want him back with him wanting to be back. It can work out, and I hope it will.

[road]

My husband knows the full details of my affair from the first time we stared talking/texting and when it became physical and when it ended. He knows the number of times we hooked up which is 3 times and the amount of times we meet for lunch to the amount of time we spent talking. Anything he wanted to know I told him. Most of it he already knew so there was no point in lying

 

 

 

Sofie I was not responding to you. I was responding to want another poster said.

[Chi townD]

Hey Sophie, Just wanted to ask if you've been seeing a counselor since the divorce. The way you're writing right now; well, you seem really down in the dumps (and that to be expected and normal). But, I just want to know if you're taking care of yourself.

[Sofie2013]

Hey Sophie, Just wanted to ask if you've been seeing a counselor since the divorce. The way you're writing right now; well, you seem really down in the dumps (and that to be expected and normal). But, I just want to know if you're taking care of yourself.

 

 

I haven’t been in the best of moods as of late. Around this time me and my Ex AP stared the EA part of our affair. So I have been thinking about it all and thing I could of done to prevent from ever staring an affair. And I stared having pretty back flash backs, just yesterday I passed by one to places I meet the Ex AP a few times and just broke down its happened a few times so far. No top of it all I still miss my Ex-husband. I’m still seeing my counselor not as much as I used because of work and everything else but I still see her about 2-3 times a month.

[Fluttershy]

I haven’t been in the best of moods as of late. Around this time me and my Ex AP stared the EA part of our affair. So I have been thinking about it all and thing I could of done to prevent from ever staring an affair. And I stared having pretty back flash backs, just yesterday I passed by one to places I meet the Ex AP a few times and just broke down its happened a few times so far. No top of it all I still miss my Ex-husband. I’m still seeing my counselor not as much as I used because of work and everything else but I still see her about 2-3 times a month.

 

((((Sophie)))). I am sorry. I remember for both my husband and I first anniversaries were the hardest. Him rememberin being a selfish you know what and me the memeories of me being in the dark while he screwed around.

[Spectre]

This is a 1290 post count thread pity party.. its over. move on Sophie.

 

It is clear nobody has ever once condoned what the OP did.

 

I do have to say though since the husband went through with the divorce it unfortunately does not look very good when it comes to the chances of the marriage ever being salvaged. Just trying to get into my own mindset as a man, but for me sending out the papers and putting the divorce forward and making it 100% final would be clearly sending a message saying we won't ever be getting back together. It would be the final nail in the coffin, if you will, the point of no return.

 

I won't say a part of me doesn't hope I'm wrong.

[road]

It is clear nobody has ever once condoned what the OP did.

 

I do have to say though since the husband went through with the divorce it unfortunately does not look very good when it comes to the chances of the marriage ever being salvaged. Just trying to get into my own mindset as a man, but for me sending out the papers and putting the divorce forward and making it 100% final would be clearly sending a message saying we won't ever be getting back together. It would be the final nail in the coffin, if you will, the point of no return.

 

I won't say a part of me doesn't hope I'm wrong.

 

 

 

Not to give false hope. Many a divorce has wound up with the WS and the BS remarrying.

[sidney2718]

It is clear nobody has ever once condoned what the OP did.

 

I do have to say though since the husband went through with the divorce it unfortunately does not look very good when it comes to the chances of the marriage ever being salvaged. Just trying to get into my own mindset as a man, but for me sending out the papers and putting the divorce forward and making it 100% final would be clearly sending a message saying we won't ever be getting back together. It would be the final nail in the coffin, if you will, the point of no return.

 

I won't say a part of me doesn't hope I'm wrong.

 

None of us knows for sure, and that probably includes Sofie's ex husband. But in her favor he did not go totally dark on her during the waiting period for the divorce and has not gone totally dark on her after the divorce became final. And I'm not talking about necessary communication about their children.

 

This is not typical behavior for a husband putting the "final nail in the coffin."

 

Sofie had already decided to keep trying to revive her marriage. It may be a longish process. A number of us here have voluntarily decided to be her support group through all this. We think (at least I certainly do) that having a support group who know the situation can be very helpful.

[Spectre]

Not to give false hope. Many a divorce has wound up with the WS and the BS remarrying.

 

I think you are giving a bit of false hope, because most people who get divorced do not get remarried. When you say "many" do get remarried it makes it seem like a decent amount of people, but it is actually not.

 

Not saying it means it won't happen in this case, but yeah once a couple gets divorced they usually stay divorced, especially when it comes to pre-planned betrayals. There are always exceptions to the rule of course, as with anything in life.

[dragon_fly_7]

I think you are giving a bit of false hope, because most people who get divorced do not get remarried. When you say "many" do get remarried it makes it seem like a decent amount of people, but it is actually not.

 

Not saying it means it won't happen in this case, but yeah once a couple gets divorced they usually stay divorced, especially when it comes to pre-planned betrayals. There are always exceptions to the rule of course, as with anything in life.

I agree. Let's not give the OP false Disney quick endings hope.

 

Divorce means the marriage is already terminated and there is nothing that can be done if the BS decides to move on and date someone else. The only thing the OP needs to continue focusing on is her kids.

[Spectre]

I agree. Let's not give the OP false Disney quick endings hope.

 

Divorce means the marriage is already terminated and there is nothing that can be done if the BS decides to move on and date someone else. The only thing the OP needs to continue focusing on is her kids.

 

Yes, also considering the manner in which the husband apparently 100% discovered what was going on and the fact that it was not a one time thing, when you take all that and mix it in with some divorce..I'm afraid it's usually going to be a permanent thing.

 

I truly feel that the best thing that is going to come of this will be the OP at least knows what mistakes not to make with the next guy she lets into her heart. Also when that relationship does finally happen: be honest with your ex husband about it.

[tuff_love]

I read this post over and over. The more I read it more I realized your right. Although that night really didn’t go out looking to have sex with him. The possibility was there and I choose to ignore it why because it was fun and it give me a rush.

 

I did feel guilty. This is where exmm came into play. At times he made it seem like it was ok and it really didn’t matter if it happened again since it already happened. I do feel like I was manipulated to some extent but it not completely exmm fault. I could of stopped again I choose not to. I also choose to be manipulated by him.

 

Your right I played just as an active role in what happened as he did. What happened is just as much fault as his as it is mine

 

Are you serious? Im sorry for your situation but do not have any sympathy for you or your personal ethic as outlined above (in fact I would be happy to have you in the rear view mirror as a BS (or a child once an adult)). There appear to be some inconsistencies in your story but what you wrote above is particularly telling to me. I know you wrote this a while back so I am not sure where you would stand on this now. In the likely event you are still of this mindset: Until you take 100% of the responsibility, you haven’t taken any. No you, no manipulation. No you, no affair. Period. AP/exmm was an opportunist. You provided the opportunity.

 

If your counselor fed you that 50/50 manipulation poppycock to make you feel better now they aren’t doing you any favors and you have no chance if your BS is as intelligent and self-respecting as he seems. The AP did not make any sacred vows to your husband (and sons). Each party is 100% responsible to those they betrayed. I don’t mean flogging yourself but don’t shift any blame any more. If that is what happens when your chips are down, what happens in the future? Somebody else has any responsibility for making you do it? Seriously? You know you have wiped the slate clean of any positives and proven yourself to be irresponsible and reckless. Now show that you aren’t anymore by being 100% responsible for your actions. And also state to those you've used this weak excuse (yes, still an excuse) with how stupid you now know it to be. And study Epictetus.

 

This is fairly simple to illustrate by way of example: what if you were to substitute your AP/exmm for any number of temptations life has to offer (no particular order, pick your poison): that donut that is beckoning you thru the display window, drugs, gambling, that bottle of alcohol (interesting I don’t think anything has been brought up about your supposed mitigating factor abdicating to being drunk for the first **hookup**). You would rightly be laughed out of the office if you told your cardiologist that the donut made you eat it. And so on ad absurdum...

 

If I were your BS I would snicker behind your back (if not laugh to your face) at you trying to put weak sauce on something so profound, and that is only magnified by your particularly spineless actions before being outed. How are you ever going to be trustworthy if you are going to continue to abdicate responsibility? Nobody likes a victim. Stop acting like one. Until then, you’re radioactive.

 

I know this is stark and I hope you take it in the spirit it was intended (if you still check your thread). I wish you well. I’ve been there. My mom never regained my respect in your scenario (and, yes, even young kids are much smarter than given credit for). My suggestion is to own your betrayal of your sons when it comes time to do so (soon) and it will be much better. Or don't if you don’t want the hassle and time commitment of relationships with them once they are independent. In any event, best of luck.

Edited April 7, 2014 by tuff_love

[Spectre]

Hold on, tuff love...wait. Guys..tell me that this person is misquoting Sophie? Tell me she didn't actually type out "Your right I played just as an active role in what happened as he did. What happened is just as much fault as his as it is mine"?

 

Because that puts a whole new spin on this. That makes me think she really deserves zero sympathy. What happened is the other guys fault? I can't get on board with that, at all. I am sorry if that is not something Sophie said, but if it is then she does not really deserve to get her family back then.

 

I'm not trying to be rude, I really hope she was misquoted, since otherwise that is not good. He certainly is scum for getting with a married woman, but that makes it sound like she was some victim who was manipulated. When I see someone throwing around words like "I am not the only one at fault" that sounds like placing blame on others, but this other guy was not responsible for the choices the OP made. I wish her the best luck in the world, but no she does not get to blame someone else for this.

Edited April 7, 2014 by Spectre