Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[anne1707]

Spectre

 

That quote from Sofie is from when this thread started in early October. Sofie has come a long way since then and has learnt a lot. Go by what she posts now, not 6 months ago

 

[tuff_love]

Spectre

 

That quote from Sofie is from when this thread started in early October. Sofie has come a long way since then and has learnt a lot. Go by what she posts now, not 6 months ago

 

 

AFAIK there is no subsequent post from her repudiating that sentiment, which is what also struck me. A lot of woe is me, though. Obviously it would have been better to never utter such an inane sentiment but might be understandable to point fingers standing in the blast crater. I hope she's found a mirror since then. I stand 100% behind every word I wrote.

 

FWIW huge Richard Dawkins fan.

[sidney2718]

AFAIK there is no subsequent post from her repudiating that sentiment, which is what also struck me. A lot of woe is me, though. Obviously it would have been better to never utter such an inane sentiment but might be understandable to point fingers standing in the blast crater. I hope she's found a mirror since then. I stand 100% behind every word I wrote.

 

FWIW huge Richard Dawkins fan.

 

I don't think Sofie (or anyone else in her position) needs to post an explicit repudiation of previous posts. One has to read the entire thread (I know, a big job) to know what was going on and see the change in Sofie.

 

The purpose of these forums (fora?) is to help the OP. It should interest late comers to this thread in particular that there are very few folks who've been here since the start who tell Sofie that she deserves no sympathy. There's got to be a reason for that, right?

[tuff_love]

I don't think Sofie (or anyone else in her position) needs to post an explicit repudiation of previous posts. One has to read the entire thread (I know, a big job) to know what was going on and see the change in Sofie.

 

The purpose of these forums (fora?) is to help the OP. It should interest late comers to this thread in particular that there are very few folks who've been here since the start who tell Sofie that she deserves no sympathy. There's got to be a reason for that, right?

 

I read the whole thread(s). If I was just jumping on your bandwagon then there would be little reason for me to post as you have that angle covered, would you agree? I assure you my non-member status in the fan club has no correlation with my sincerity or topical knowledge. She needs more than shaking pom poms for help if those are her sentiments.

 

I realize not following this real time has some benefits as well as disadvantages. But I see it as still superficial, something maybe only a newcomer could have the benefit of seeing. Then again, I grant maybe that was clouded by the months worth of posts I read in a short time but I really didn't see any real evolution in really accepting responsibility.

 

Nevertheless, if you re-read my post it was asking her to clarify her current stance on an unbelievably insincere sentiment as a sort of chin check for her. The post was rhetorical. If she wrote any of that stuff in letters that the BS can refer back to (or perhaps even read here) it would be a good idea for her to distance herself from it, and do so with great haste. Oh, and I wanted to provide a reality check given my take on the very heavy lifting she has in her future with her sons that seems to have been largely glossed over (a dad is the most important thing to a son...keep telling yourself that and let us know how it works out).

 

That was my take, sorry if it is unwelcome on your thread.

[sidney2718]

I read the whole thread(s). If I was just jumping on your bandwagon then there would be little reason for me to post as you have that angle covered, would you agree? I assure you my non-member status in the fan club has no correlation with my sincerity or topical knowledge. She needs more than shaking pom poms for help if those are her sentiments.

 

I realize not following this real time has some benefits as well as disadvantages. But I see it as still superficial, something maybe only a newcomer could have the benefit of seeing. Then again, I grant maybe that was clouded by the months worth of posts I read in a short time but I really didn't see any real evolution in really accepting responsibility.

 

Nevertheless, if you re-read my post it was asking her to clarify her current stance on an unbelievably insincere sentiment as a sort of chin check for her. The post was rhetorical. If she wrote any of that stuff in letters that the BS can refer back to (or perhaps even read here) it would be a good idea for her to distance herself from it, and do so with great haste. Oh, and I wanted to provide a reality check given my take on the very heavy lifting she has in her future with her sons that seems to have been largely glossed over (a dad is the most important thing to a son...keep telling yourself that and let us know how it works out).

 

That was my take, sorry if it is unwelcome on your thread.

 

This isn't my thread. It is Sofie's. I trust she will respond to you and answer your questions. The subject has come up before.

 

But I will give you my understanding of the situation. Sofie and her husband went to a co-parenting counsellor for a while and she and her husband are in regular contact about them. At least that's what I understand. And her husband does get to see them regularly.

 

She also seems to have some support from her ex-husband's brother who has been helpful to her. So there is contact with her ex-husband's family too. It is not going to be an easy time for her, that's for sure. But I think she knows that.

[hard2c]

forum is primarily for helping your marriage thrive.

[anne1707]

forum is primarily for helping your marriage thrive.

 

Disagree. The forum is about helping the OP in respect of their problems resulting from infidelity. That may mean helping someone save their marriage. It may mean helping someone who wants to end the marriage. It could be helping someone going through a divorce that they do not want. It may be something else altogether.

[Man Mountain Makino]

I'm a hardass about this type of stuff, but I have never rooted for a marriage to make it more than I have for Sophie and her husband.

[Spectre]

I'm a hardass about this type of stuff, but I have never rooted for a marriage to make it more than I have for Sophie and her husband.

 

I honestly do not see why though? I am not trying to take anything away from Sophie, I truly am not, but..this seems to be a pretty standard case of infidelity. So may I honestly ask you why you are rooting for the husband to take her back? Bearing in mind everything that has happened, mind you.

 

I'm rooting for Sophie, but I'm doing what I feel is realistic rooting. I am rooting for her to eventually find happiness again with another person and hopefully not to make the same mistakes she did here. I am rooting that she more or less gets a nice stable relationship for her kids. But I am not rooting for the husband to specifically take her back, merely because far too much damage has been done.

 

I guess you could maybe say I am rooting the husband still has a chance to find love with someone who won't do this to him. Not that I want bad things to happen to Sophie, I do not, just that for me I would think the best case scenario would be a good relationship with her kids and ex husband and a lesson learned. I wish them both the best..just not together, since unfortunately I think that ship has sailed.

[hard2c]

sofie divorce for me is one of the most profoundly painful experiences that a human being can survive. It's often tied to a profound fear that the pain will never end. It's been compared to the stages of death. I too am passing through a separation with resolve to let op go.

[tuff_love]

@sidney2718: You are correct, the blame shifting theme has recurred more recently but she not called to the mat for it at any time. To wit:

 

aliveagain, Fluttershy

 

You’re both right. That man is a really piece of ****. Everything he going through I already went or I am going through. I’m losing just if not more then he is and yet he still has the nerve to put blame on others. And you guys don’t even know half of the stuff he has said after I exposed the affair to his wife. I just don’t understand why he wont leave me (us) alone he already helped me destroy me life what more can he do.

 

Also reference the false moral equivalency noise of the BH (the then uncommitted roommate) somehow contributing to her affair then saying it was not responsible. If it was not responsible then it was just noise, arm waving if you will, which Ive seen a lot of on this thread and it would infuriate me if I was the BH or either.

 

@hard2c: If you are referencing my comments on the kids and they not welcome then apologies, I will delete. As it relates to the marriage thriving, not to be pithy, but what marriage? Did I miss something?

 

OP, my questions are rhetorical, not holding out for a response just hoping they might provoke further thought. Apologies for having been an impertinent jerk. I meant what I said, not to be mean, just realistic. I wish you only the best. You seem like a lovely person that just had auto-pilot switched on at the worst possible time. Your husband and sons will be lucky to have you with everything they love minus that feature (permanently uninstalled). Whats not to love, seriously? I don't think rationalization and niceties will get you there, though. One cannot solve a problem with the same logic that created it. If you point to the affair your then roommate had then that still exists, correct? It did not go away with your affair, no? So it theoretically could come up again, no? Best to point to things

 

What about your sons? I don't think I saw any details but have you thought of doing parent/child activities with each child separately (with you especially)? My point is your twins will probably bond even more over this crisis (my sibs and I did and we weren't twins). This could have longer term implications for your relationships with them.

 

I hope this is constructive and Im sorry I came off as a hard ass. All the best.

[William]

As the last response from the thread starter was nearly a week ago, pending any further updates from them, we'll close this up.