Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[road]

Sofie

 

If the OMW (your friend) reached out to you I do not think a telephone call would be too much as a first contact.

 

IMO you owe her that.

 

Keep things amicable with your H. I think your approach to a lousy situation will allow you two to coparent as well as communicate in the future.

 

HM

 

 

I can understand you not wanting to answer her questions face to face. Though she needs the truth and only you can give her that. So offer to do a phone session with her.

 

She can also be wanting to know if OM has restarted the affair because his behavior is suspect.

[stillafool]

Is it the least she can do? Yep! It is, her and the OM caused this woman's pain. Should it be indefinite? No, it won't be.

 

You have to remember, the last time Sophie talked to her was to expose their affair to her. The OMW was probably in shock and in denial, probably asked very BASIC questions just to confirm if what she was saying to her was actually true. The OMW might not even remember too much of what was said due to this shock.

 

So, now that she's getting her life in order, now she wants to know the who, what, where and why? Now, just like Sophie's own husband did the other day, is strong enough to ask those hard questions.

 

 

I think Sofie should talk to her as well. She obviously was in shock and awe when Sofie told her the first time. Now that she's had time to process what has happened to her life thanks to her husband and Sofie she's owd that much. Another reason is Sofie was a friend of hers. It might be different if they had never met but considering Sofie was her friend I feel it would be cowardly of Sofie not to talk to her and answer her questions.

[Sofie2013]

Ok I talked to my husband about my friend the OMW wanting to meet. He didn’t seem to care but he did say if I do decided to meet her to be careful. So I will send her another email tonight or give her a call tomorrow and go from their

 

I also told him about the co-parenting session we have this coming Monday and asked him he was still ok with going and he is. I’m kind of happy and excited hopeful.

[Leelou]

Co parenting counseling would get his foot in the counseling door, which would be good for you. Since he is so private and closed off, and only confides in his brother, he might find counseling a place to turn to.

Edited October 31, 2013 by Leelou

[Chi townD]

Ok I talked to my husband about my friend the OMW wanting to meet. He didn’t seem to care but he did say if I do decided to meet her to be careful. So I will send her another email tonight or give her a call tomorrow and go from their

 

I also told him about the co-parenting session we have this coming Monday and asked him he was still ok with going and he is. I’m kind of happy and excited hopeful.

 

 

DO NOT GET TOO EXCITED ABOUT THIS!!! Just chalk it up for what it is. Counseling session to help the two of you deal with co-parenting the kids from a broken home.

 

You're looking at it that you're getting your husband into counseling to talk about the issues. He may be looking at it strictly as a way to help the kids.

 

If this counseling session helps the two of you to start talk and communicating better, then great! Bonus! But, do not fill yourself up with false hope.

 

See, you're impressed with the fact that your getting him into at least some FORM of counseling. To me, that just tells me that he's agreed to meet you somewhere. I'm more impressed that he said if you meet up with the OMW, for you to be careful. To me, that shows me he's concerned for your well being. That he's concerned she may want to beat the hell out of you, or worse.

 

That shows me that he still cares. And that's a good thing.

Edited October 31, 2013 by Chi townD

[Sofie2013]

DO NOT GET TOO EXCITED ABOUT THIS!!! Just chalk it up for what it is. Counseling session to help the two of you deal with co-parenting the kids from a broken home.

 

You're looking at it that you're getting your husband into counseling to talk about the issues. He may be looking at it strictly as a way to help the kids.

 

If this counseling session helps the two of you to start talk and communicating better, then great! Bonus! But, do not fill yourself up with false hope.

 

See, you're impressed with the fact that your getting him into at least some FORM of counseling. To me, that just tells me that he's agreed to meet you somewhere. I'm more impressed that he said if you meet up with the OMW, for you to be careful. To me, that shows me he's concerned for your well being. That he's concerned she may want to beat the hell out of you, or worse.

 

That shows me that he still cares. And that's a good thing.

 

Yeah was little to exited last night I was making it out to be a lot bigger then it was.

 

The counseling is all about the kids it and we can be better co parents it really has nothing to do with us.

[Sofie2013]

I called my friend we talked for a few minutes over the phone. She didn’t want to go into too much detail over the phone. She said she would rather do it in person I was a little hesitant but I agreed to meet. Was little surprised she didn’t sound hurt or angry at me. It kind of caught me off guard by how nice and clam she was able to talk to me. It also part of the reason agreed to meet her. So yeah tomorrow at lunch I supposed to meet with her I’m hoping it all goes well.

[AlwaysGrowing]

If your phone has record, use it. Just in case, it becomes a she said/she said.

[BetrayedH]

I called my friend we talked for a few minutes over the phone. She didn’t want to go into too much detail over the phone. She said she would rather do it in person I was a little hesitant but I agreed to meet. Was little surprised she didn’t sound hurt or angry at me. It kind of caught me off guard by how nice and clam she was able to talk to me. It also part of the reason agreed to meet her. So yeah tomorrow at lunch I supposed to meet with her I’m hoping it all goes well.

 

Glad you decided to meet with her in person. Unless you truly feared for your safety, there was no unselfish reason not to do so. It takes courage. Keep making these courageous decisions Sofie. While you cannot undo your affair, you can regain your sense of self-pride. And your husband can be proud of all of these actions, too.

 

And good luck on the joint counseling; I was very glad to hear it. All good steps.

[Trimmer]

Ok I talked to my husband about my friend the OMW wanting to meet. He didn’t seem to care but he did say if I do decided to meet her to be careful. So I will send her another email tonight or give her a call tomorrow and go from their

I think this was wise. This reinforces the message that your first priority is being straight with him.

 

Yeah was little to exited last night I was making it out to be a lot bigger then it was.

 

The counseling is all about the kids it and we can be better co parents it really has nothing to do with us.

...and I think it's also wise to keep this perspective. My wife left me, effectively straight to another man, and while I could certainly have been an ***hole about it, I eventually became supportive, possibly in ways that might be interpreted as if I were willing to have her back. I am absolutely not; anything I did to support her is completely for the benefit of our children. It's in their best interest to have a stable, settled mother who has a good working relationship with their father, and that was in my hands to nurture, or destroy.

 

I chose to make it work, and a lot of the things I do may look like I still love her or want her back, but it's very clear to me that it's about the kids, and only about the kids.

 

I hope for the best for you, but I don't want you to get your hopes dashed.

[Chi townD]

I called my friend we talked for a few minutes over the phone. She didn’t want to go into too much detail over the phone. She said she would rather do it in person I was a little hesitant but I agreed to meet. Was little surprised she didn’t sound hurt or angry at me. It kind of caught me off guard by how nice and clam she was able to talk to me. It also part of the reason agreed to meet her. So yeah tomorrow at lunch I supposed to meet with her I’m hoping it all goes well.

 

 

Just...uhh...make sure you're in a heavily populated area. And, just like your husband, be completely honest with her.

 

If she asks the hard questions, answer them. Show your remorse. Tell her that you were selfish and that selfishness cost you everything. Your job, your marriage, your husband and your kids are messed up. It wasn't worth it.

 

There could be a chance that OMW and your husband are talking. Comparing notes. Wouldn't be the first time I've heard of that. A lot of times, they find an ally in each other. Report their findings to each other to ensure that the affair is over.

 

Her cool demeanor is rather strange, so be prepared for anything. Hell, for all you know, she may just want to inform you that she slept with your husband as a revenge affair. She wanted to see you in person, so she could see the pain in your eyes. The same pain that you saw in hers. Plus, she told you that she didn't want to go into too much detail over the phone. Detail about what exactly? She's being cool about meeting up with you, conveniently, your husbands out of town so you can't rip into him.......Did this happen? Probably not. But, just be prepared anything.

Edited October 31, 2013 by Chi townD

[ChooseTruth]

I called my friend we talked for a few minutes over the phone. She didn’t want to go into too much detail over the phone. She said she would rather do it in person I was a little hesitant but I agreed to meet. Was little surprised she didn’t sound hurt or angry at me. It kind of caught me off guard by how nice and clam she was able to talk to me. It also part of the reason agreed to meet her. So yeah tomorrow at lunch I supposed to meet with her I’m hoping it all goes well.

Yup, not every BS is psycho towards the AP. I saw OMM in person several times, talked to him on the phone, and emailed back and forth after D-Day. I was never rude or raised my voice. My ex and he we both afraid of violence and all kinds of craziness .

 

I did however expose the A to his wife...and used his emails against him. He probably didn't like that.

[Sofie2013]

Just...uhh...make sure you're in a heavily populated area. And, just like your husband, be completely honest with her.

 

If she asks the hard questions, answer them. Show your remorse. Tell her that you were selfish and that selfishness cost you everything. Your job, your marriage, your husband and your kids are messed up. It wasn't worth it.

 

There could be a chance that OMW and your husband are talking. Comparing notes. Wouldn't be the first time I've heard of that. A lot of times, they find an ally in each other. Report their findings to each other to ensure that the affair is over.

 

Her cool demeanor is rather strange, so be prepared for anything. Hell, for all you know, she may just want to inform you that she slept with your husband as a revenge affair. She wanted to see you in person, so she could see the pain in your eyes. The same pain that you saw in hers. Plus, she told you that she didn't want to go into too much detail over the phone. Detail about what exactly? She's being cool about meeting up with you, conveniently, your husbands out of town so you can't rip into him.......Did this happen? Probably not. But, just be prepared anything.

 

We will be in public with a lot of people around us. Yes I will be carful.

 

I plan to be 100% honest with her. I don’t plan to lie to her anymore I already did enough of that. I will try to answer every question as best as I can.

 

I doubt my husband and friend are talking. My husband already made sure this affair stays over the exmm hates me and lasting he wants to do it be anywhere around me and that’s fine with me.

 

I don’t think she slept with my husband. They could if they wanted too just thinking about hurts. I don’t he would ever hurt me like that.

 

I don’t really know what she wanted to talk about she did say she was getting a divorce so who knows what she wants to talk about. She did say she wanted to know a few things about the affair but she didn’t want me to answer her questions over the phone.

[Chi townD]

.

 

I don’t think she slept with my husband. They could if they wanted too just thinking about hurts. I don’t he would ever hurt me like that.

 

 

Again, Like I said, probably not....but, I don't think he ever thought YOU would hurt HIM like that....

 

Like I said, her demeanor is strange and I can't make heads or tails about her behavior. That's why I said, be ready for anything. Normally, I get a feeling about what you would be walking into, I can't gage a feeling on this.

[Sofie2013]

Last night was another bad night it stared out good but end very bad. I took the boys trick or treating we were having fun and all was good. After about an hour they asked to go home since it was still early I asked why they just said they were tried. When I went to put the to bed they stared asking questions about the divorce and if their father was really never coming home it was similar to a conversation we had before but this one was worst they didn’t cry and talk as much as before. The look they had on their faces horrible, they looked so sad and heart broken.

[Sofie2013]

Again, Like I said, probably not....but, I don't think he ever thought YOU would hurt HIM like that....

 

Like I said, her demeanor is strange and I can't make heads or tails about her behavior. That's why I said, be ready for anything. Normally, I get a feeling about what you would be walking into, I can't gage a feeling on this.

 

 

Yeah the way she acting is throwing me off too. I plan to meet her in an out 2 hours.

[Chi townD]

Last night was another bad night it stared out good but end very bad. I took the boys trick or treating we were having fun and all was good. After about an hour they asked to go home since it was still early I asked why they just said they were tried. When I went to put the to bed they stared asking questions about the divorce and if their father was really never coming home it was similar to a conversation we had before but this one was worst they didn’t cry and talk as much as before. The look they had on their faces horrible, they looked so sad and heart broken.

 

 

First Holiday without both parents. It's gonna hurt. But, Halloween is small fries compared to Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, keep that in mind and be prepared. That's why I suggested that you ask if he could be there to watch them open their presents during Christmas, he doesn't have to stay, just be there for the boys during this first year.

Edited November 1, 2013 by Chi townD

[Sofie2013]

First Holiday without both parents. It's gonna hurt. But, Halloween is small fries compared to Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, keep that in mind and be prepared. That's why I suggested that you ask if he could be there to watch them open their presents during Christmas, he doesn't have to stay, just be there for the boys during this first year.

 

 

Yeah I will try bring up Monday and try to work something out. I never realized how much this could affect them. I also think counseling could help them going to look into as well. I don’t know why but I thought they would handle this a lot better maybe it was all just wishful thinking.

[BetrayedH]

Things with the kids will get better.

[turnera]

I thought they would handle this a lot better

Says every cheater ever...

[turnera]

Agreed. Just irks me to see someone say 'I thought they'd understand' or 'I assumed they'd be ok' when it's just personal gaslighting. Not a personal attack, it's part of the script cheaters meld into when they go down that path, part of the rationalization.

[Owl]

Agreed. Just irks me to see someone say 'I thought they'd understand' or 'I assumed they'd be ok' when it's just personal gaslighting. Not a personal attack, it's part of the script cheaters meld into when they go down that path, part of the rationalization.

 

That's true...it is part of that rationalization process. While I don't consider it an excuse for the behavior, realizing that's what it is can help to understand why it happens.

 

She didn't think that it would be this bad when she was engaged in the behavior...because if she'd have taken the time to stop and see that it would be this bad, she'd have had to view her actions in a much more painful light.

 

Not something most folks volunteer for, especially when they're engaged in behaviors like infidelity.

 

In fact, I think that ability to AVOID thinking about the future is a hallmark character trait for those that end up cheating.

[Chi townD]

Wow, no follow up...Getting kinda nervous

[FallingLeaves]

Wow, no follow up...Getting kinda nervous

 

My thoughts exactly. OP- are you ok? Did everything go well? I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

[Sofie2013]

Sorry for the late update

 

SO I meet my friend yesterday, the exmm wife. We talked for long time. She seems to being great and is moving on and divorcing her serial cheating STBXH. The main reason she wanted to talk about was her divorce. It seem like her STBX is making thing very hard for her. She wanted an equal split and break but her husband isn’t going along. Apparently he’s having a very hard time since he was fired. She asked if I could testify on her behalf about our affair. I was able to give an answer, I just told her I need to seek legal advice first which I will. She needs a few answers about the affair. She accused me of being involved with her husband her husband for well over a year which is not true. I told everything from the being and until the end the whole truth. I told that everything and it was her choice to believe me or not. She did threatened me with telling my husband I told her to go ahead and my husband know the full truth as well and it’s the same one I told her.

 

I also found out the main reason she handling this situation as well as she is because she also involved a EA. She hadn’t told anyone and as of now it over. She said she wouldn’t do anything on that front until after the divorce was final. My friend also plans on leaving her job. At the company I used to work for. According to her my old company is losing clients and every one starting to jump ship.

 

Now the reason for late update

 

My husband called me around the same time I was talking to my friend. He telling how he might not be able to pick up the kids until late night, I asked why. He told on his way with home his brother some rear end them. The both of them are fine his brothers car not so much. I offered to pick the both them up since I was only a few minutes way. We end coming home around 7, lucky my sister was nice enough to watch the kids for me. I made dinner for the 4 of us plus the kids. Since it was late my husband and his brother decided to sleep over. We didn’t really spend any time together but the kids where happy. SO it was a good day over all.