Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[BetrayedH]

Sorry for the late update

 

SO I meet my friend yesterday, the exmm wife. We talked for long time. She seems to being great and is moving on and divorcing her serial cheating STBXH. The main reason she wanted to talk about was her divorce. It seem like her STBX is making thing very hard for her. She wanted an equal split and break but her husband isn’t going along. Apparently he’s having a very hard time since he was fired. She asked if I could testify on her behalf about our affair. I was able to give an answer, I just told her I need to seek legal advice first which I will. She needs a few answers about the affair. She accused me of being involved with her husband her husband for well over a year which is not true. I told everything from the being and until the end the whole truth. I told that everything and it was her choice to believe me or not. She did threatened me with telling my husband I told her to go ahead and my husband know the full truth as well and it’s the same one I told her.

 

I also found out the main reason she handling this situation as well as she is because she also involved a EA. She hadn’t told anyone and as of now it over. She said she wouldn’t do anything on that front until after the divorce was final. My friend also plans on leaving her job. At the company I used to work for. According to her my old company is losing clients and every one starting to jump ship.

 

Now the reason for late update

 

My husband called me around the same time I was talking to my friend. He telling how he might not be able to pick up the kids until late night, I asked why. He told on his way with home his brother some rear end them. The both of them are fine his brothers car not so much. I offered to pick the both them up since I was only a few minutes way. We end coming home around 7, lucky my sister was nice enough to watch the kids for me. I made dinner for the 4 of us plus the kids. Since it was late my husband and his brother decided to sleep over. We didn’t really spend any time together but the kids where happy. SO it was a good day over all.

 

Another time I get to say, Well done Sofie.

[Yesterday]

Sorry for the late update

 

SO I meet my friend yesterday, ........

 

She accused me of being involved with her husband her husband for well over a year which is not true. I told everything from the being and until the end the whole truth. I told that everything and it was her choice to believe me or not.

 

I recall further back when you first met with her, she knew of another affair(s). Likely there was one just prior to your affair with him??

 

 

Now the reason for late update

 

My husband called me around the same time I was talking to my friend. He telling how he might not be able to pick up the kids until late night, I asked why. He told on his way with home his brother some rear end them. The both of them are fine his brothers car not so much. I offered to pick the both them up since I was only a few minutes way. We end coming home around 7, lucky my sister was nice enough to watch the kids for me. I made dinner for the 4 of us plus the kids. Since it was late my husband and his brother decided to sleep over. We didn’t really spend any time together but the kids where happy. SO it was a good day over all.

 

Strange how things can work out in your favour? Shows you care, and some warming up to his brother too. (not to be overstated)

 

Good for you!

Edited November 3, 2013 by Yesterday

[miguelcervantes]

This is step-by-step progress Sophie, which is good progress. Well done for continuing to handle this properly. Did you mention to your husband what the OMW wanted from you and what was his take in helping her to take the OM down in the divorce ?

[Chi townD]

I would wait until he brings it up with you. He already knows you went to talk to her. Therefore, I would wait until he brings it up. He probably will.

 

Remember, just keep talking to him, keeping it light and keeping it fun. As you can probably tell, it's working. He getting more comfortable around you, he's starting to keep a dialog with you. He's not shunning you out of his life completely (which he would have every right to do.)

 

Will any of this stop the divorce? I don't know. Your husband may want to continue with the divorce. And that's going to be a very dark day for you.

 

But, you know what? It's not unheard of for Ex's to start to date again. And it's not unheard of for Ex to get remarried.

 

So, just keep your chin up.

[Try]

But, you know what? It's not unheard of for Ex's to start to date again. And it's not unheard of for Ex to get remarried.

A friend of mine had a wife that divorced him without looking back after she found out about his affair. After the divorce, she lost a lot of weight and started hitting the gym. While picking up the children, he commented to her how come you were never willing to lose weight and go to the gym for me, yet you are willing to do this for some guy at a bar that you have not even met yet? She said that I guess we both took each other for granted once we had children. They started dating again and much to the delight of their children remarried again. They have now been married again for over 15 years.

 

They both agree that the old marraige needed to be dead and that this new marriage based on appreciating each other was better. My friend says that her willingness to divorce him so decisively earned her his deep respect, and that he would never even think of cheating on her again.

[OpheliaSong]

A friend of mine had a wife that divorced him without looking back after she found out about his affair. After the divorce, she lost a lot of weight and started hitting the gym. While picking up the children, he commented to her how come you were never willing to lose weight and go to the gym for me, yet you are willing to do this for some guy at a bar that you have not even met yet? She said that I guess we both took each other for granted once we had children. They started dating again and much to the delight of their children remarried again. They have now been married again for over 15 years.

 

They both agree that the old marraige needed to be dead and that this new marriage based on appreciating each other was better. My friend says that her willingness to divorce him so decisively earned her his deep respect, and that he would never even think of cheating on her again.

 

That is a nice story. We can all grow some in life.

 

Sofie

How r u today?

[Sofie2013]

I recall further back when you first met with her, she knew of another affair(s). Likely there was one just prior to your affair with him??

 

 

 

 

Strange how things can work out in your favour? Shows you care, and some warming up to his brother too. (not to be overstated)

 

Good for you!

 

Yeah my friend’s STBXH is a serial cheater I think my affair the 3rd that she knows of. I wouldn’t put pass him to have some before me. This just make me feel worse I give all up for him.

 

It was pretty strange. I think that was my BIL first car accident.

 

I have always been on good terms with BIL I do consider him a friend. He’s not the most talkative person and he kind hard to understand but he is very good person. My BIL spends a lot time over our house and stay for dinner and sometimes even watch the kids so I and hubby could go out.

[Sofie2013]

This is step-by-step progress Sophie, which is good progress. Well done for continuing to handle this properly. Did you mention to your husband what the OMW wanted from you and what was his take in helping her to take the OM down in the divorce ?

 

I haven’t told him anything about our conversation. I did tell him I met her he didn’t ask any questions so I just dropped it. I don’t want my husband get involved in this and he’s bigger things to worry about.

[Sofie2013]

I would wait until he brings it up with you. He already knows you went to talk to her. Therefore, I would wait until he brings it up. He probably will.

 

Remember, just keep talking to him, keeping it light and keeping it fun. As you can probably tell, it's working. He getting more comfortable around you, he's starting to keep a dialog with you. He's not shunning you out of his life completely (which he would have every right to do.)

 

Will any of this stop the divorce? I don't know. Your husband may want to continue with the divorce. And that's going to be a very dark day for you.

 

But, you know what? It's not unheard of for Ex's to start to date again. And it's not unheard of for Ex to get remarried.

 

So, just keep your chin up.

 

 

Yeah if he ask goes what me and my friend talked about I will tell if.

 

I’m actually surprised by how open and easy going he is around me. I really thought he would go cold on me. Last night we had long conversation about some random things.

 

I don’t really want to think about the divorce right now. It’s mostly likely going to happen he already done his part were both waiting on me.

[Sofie2013]

That is a nice story. We can all grow some in life.

 

Sofie

How r u today?

 

 

Well I’m feeling pretty good and things are going as good as the can give everything that has happened. Also have my interview tomorrow hopeful that goes well. Over all things are good.

[Chi townD]

Yeah if he ask goes what me and my friend talked about I will tell if.

 

I’m actually surprised by how open and easy going he is around me. I really thought he would go cold on me. Last night we had long conversation about some random things.

 

I don’t really want to think about the divorce right now. It’s mostly likely going to happen he already done his part were both waiting on me.

 

All I'm trying to say is that your husband is responding well. Given the circumstances, there are a lot of women that would love the opportunities that you're having with your husband right now. Most usually have to talk through lawyers. So, this is progress.

 

Has he stopped trying to ummm..."hysterically bond" with you? Or is that phase over?

[Sofie2013]

All I'm trying to say is that your husband is responding well. Given the circumstances, there are a lot of women that would love the opportunities that you're having with your husband right now. Most usually have to talk through lawyers. So, this is progress.

 

Has he stopped trying to ummm..."hysterically bond" with you? Or is that phase over?

 

 

 

Yes I am lucky. I truly feel like I can save this relationship.

 

I think it safe to say hysterically bonding is over. We haven’t been intimate since he moved out.

[Chi townD]

Well, it wouldn't surprise me if he tries again in the future. If, one night he drops the kids off and stays for some coffee, that you to are sitting on the couch talking and he MAY make a pass at you or flirt with you.....

 

At this point, it would be up to you to accept his advances or not. (although, I don't think it would be wise to reject him) HOWEVER, IF something happens in the future, do not read into it as well. It would not be an act of forgiveness, it would probably be for a stress reliever.

[Grumpybutfun]

Sofie:

Good luck with your interview. I hope you nail it, and get a great position so you can be financially stable after the divorce.

It is good that your H is still cordial and you both can be amicable for the children. I just wouldn't read too much into it as I was thinking as I read this thread....yes, I would divorce my wife for infidelity in a second, but if we had children, the honorable thing to do would be to get along amicably and be kind and present as much as possible for my children. Although, I wouldn't like my wife anymore if she cheated on me, and the trust would be gone, I would make sure my children never saw that. I hate to be mean here, but I thought you might want some honesty from a man's POV.

It is best to concentrate on your life, your children and your job prospects so that after the divorce you can start to rebuild a life you love. Friends, support groups, hobbies and further IC can help you to overcome this and live the rest of your life with integrity and happiness. I think if anyone deserves peace, it is you, because you have really owned and been sorry for what occurred to your little family.

Best,

Grumps

[Sofie2013]

Well, it wouldn't surprise me if he tries again in the future. If, one night he drops the kids off and stays for some coffee, that you to are sitting on the couch talking and he MAY make a pass at you or flirt with you.....

 

At this point, it would be up to you to accept his advances or not. (although, I don't think it would be wise to reject him) HOWEVER, IF something happens in the future, do not read into it as well. It would not be an act of forgiveness, it would probably be for a stress reliever.

 

 

Actually whenever he comes to or drop the kids he flirts with me, I never read too much into since he flirts with everyone. It’s just how he is.

 

If he made and advances I would accept them in a heartbeat. I thought about making a pass at him. I just don’t know if it a good idea.

 

I know if it happens it wouldn’t change much, he would probably only see it as a release and am fine with that. I might need to release some stress too

[AlwaysGrowing]

Sofie, I just wanted to say, even though I am a stranger who really doesn't matter in the scheme of your life, that how you have conducted yourself since the affair came to light is honourable.

 

I (like many, I am sure) have to remind myself that there are many, many, many folks such as yourself, that slid on the slippery slope without seeing where it might go and once there were truly horrified at where they put themselves. To pick yourself up after doing that to yourself is not easy, the reward though....is getting back Sofie...the person who you thought you were...and is becoming once again.

 

Kudos.

[lindsay1990]

Hi Sofie,

 

Just saw you comment elsewhete and want to say I hope you are doing okay. I've followed your 'objective' updates and I hope feelings-wise you are holding up okay.

 

As for making a move on your husband, remember the fine line between respecting his decision and appearing like you are cool with the whole thing.

 

Again, I have minimal life experience and you know your situation better than anyone but maybe you could talk to your therapist about a productive outlet to let H know how you feel? Maybe a letter every now and then, idk but it's worth a try unless he says he doesn't want to hear it. It sounds like grasping at straws but you never know, I mean you ARE his wife.

 

I'm definitely not trying to push to direct your efforts into reconciliation becauae at this point you need strength and attention on your life and your kids but, as I said to my ex once he flew into a rage in argument and then failed to apologize because I told him " I didn't want to hear it and leave me alone, don't call me and don't text me" (so according to him he was doing what I wanted) I replied: "You didn't stop talking to so-and-so when I asked you to and you didn't stop running to other people with our arguments when I askrd you to, didn't you?"

 

What I'm saying is, you didn't do as you were supposed to before so maybe don't discount any initiating effort on your part if/when you feel up to it and strong enough to face potential rejection.

 

Hope all is well otherwise, sounds as smooth as possible.

[peruano99]

Are you a teenage girl OP? because you certainly acted like one.

[Sofie2013]

Well today my interview. It starts at 9:30

 

I also set appointment with my lawyer. I want get advice with the situation involving my friend (OMW) and her STBXH.

 

My husband and I Had were supposed to our co-parenting session yesterday. He end up canceling last minute. He did ask if I could reschedule the appointment. .

[Chi townD]

Actually whenever he comes to or drop the kids he flirts with me, I never read too much into since he flirts with everyone. It’s just how he is.

 

If he made and advances I would accept them in a heartbeat. I thought about making a pass at him. I just don’t know if it a good idea.

 

I know if it happens it wouldn’t change much, he would probably only see it as a release and am fine with that. I might need to release some stress too

 

 

Well, you can make a move on him. But, don't get upset if he rejects it. Or, if it happens, you may feel a little used afterwards. If that's something you can handle, then fine. The worst that can happen is that he would say "no".

 

As far as the OMW, that should be a done deal. You met with her and you answered all of her questions. You shouldn't need to interact with her any further. So, I would just let it go unless you get subpoenaed into court (which I doubt will happen considering that most states are "no fault" states).

[Sofie2013]

Are you a teenage girl OP? because you certainly acted like one.

 

Sadly I am a women in her early 30’s who going to lose everything for a cheap thrill. I think a teenage girl would have had more sense than I did.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie, I just wanted to say, even though I am a stranger who really doesn't matter in the scheme of your life, that how you have conducted yourself since the affair came to light is honourable.

 

I (like many, I am sure) have to remind myself that there are many, many, many folks such as yourself, that slid on the slippery slope without seeing where it might go and once there were truly horrified at where they put themselves. To pick yourself up after doing that to yourself is not easy, the reward though....is getting back Sofie...the person who you thought you were...and is becoming once again.

 

Kudos.

 

I thought about your post all night. The more I thought about the person I used to be is gone. Affairs change people for the worst. Throughout this whole ordeal I have done things I never thought I would do. I have thing I didn’t know I was capable of. I can’t go back to the person I was maybe it’s for the best. My new goal is to become someone better than I was before.

[Sofie2013]

Well, you can make a move on him. But, don't get upset if he rejects it. Or, if it happens, you may feel a little used afterwards. If that's something you can handle, then fine. The worst that can happen is that he would say "no".

 

As far as the OMW, that should be a done deal. You met with her and you answered all of her questions. You shouldn't need to interact with her any further. So, I would just let it go unless you get subpoenaed into court (which I doubt will happen considering that most states are "no fault" states).

 

I talked to my lawyer. She said a confession was pointless and that if she was trying to prove adultery she should look for more concrete evidence. Confession does not hold that much weight in court room it usually has to be followed up by emails, pictures or something like that

 

I just wanted to help her since I am responsible for what she going through. She also been I good friend to me over the years. So I do feel sorry for her. In the long run she should be ok. The a look at it she can find someone new and start the family she always wanted.

[Yesterday]

I thought about your post all night. The more I thought about the person I used to be is gone. Affairs change people for the worst. Throughout this whole ordeal I have done things I never thought I would do. I have thing I didn’t know I was capable of. I can’t go back to the person I was maybe it’s for the best. My new goal is to become someone better than I was before.

 

From what I see here, you already are on your way.

 

Well done so far!

[AlwaysGrowing]

I thought about your post all night. The more I thought about the person I used to be is gone. Affairs change people for the worst. Throughout this whole ordeal I have done things I never thought I would do. I have thing I didn’t know I was capable of. I can’t go back to the person I was maybe it’s for the best. My new goal is to become someone better than I was before.

 

 

I absolutely agree. The person you thought you were ended up not being who you were. That is why I said THOUGHT instead of WERE.

 

Recognizing the chinks in ourselves often happens due to failure. Failure can point us in the right direction, a catalyst for change.

 

I agree, going back is impossible. That is true for everyone. Its what happens to us as we go through our life. We are shaped, molded by events. I believe that is healthy, to always grow. Who wants to stay stagnate.