Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Sofie2013]

Sophie, what you did to your husband was a big deal! The simple knowledge that my wife was in bed with another man when I had to call her about her sister's accident would be crushing for me! And to make matters worse, he answered the phone! I would see you as callous, uncaring and cruel to say nothing of having no morals whatsoever - so a pretty big deal! It will take time to get over and the main thing is that you need to give yourself time to really and truly feel remorse for it (which is what I believe you are doing). Wanting to get back with him is natural because you love him and getting to the bottom of why you did what you did may happen but forgiving yourself for it will take longer. And of course its going to seem hopeless at times, but it isn't just getting back together that you are striving for - it is repairing yourself (and I believe that once this happens and he has the opportunity to see it clearly, good things will happen). Also sorry about the job but there will be other opportunities coming your way - just stay positive and take care of yourself.

 

Hoping for the best for you as I believe that you are truly remorseful.

 

 

My husband phone call was premeditated. He knew I was with the OM that night and his PI was following us that night. According to him he was planning on blowing up the affair that night and the fact my sister was in car accident was just a freak accident. My husband knew what he was doing when he made that phone call.

[Spectre]

I don't agree in R only for the kids because I don't think it is honest and true. But I disagree with a lot of spectre's sentiment, specially because it was a cinpletely unncessary post. rWS who have been here for ages and told repeatedly it is all their fault don't need to keep hearing it when they have never said on the contrary. IMO that is just someone gettin their say in because it is fun to preach at ws. But i digress.

 

I was weighing in and giving my opinion on her situation. If this isn't what this person was looking for then I would be confused as to why she posted not one, but two topics about this.

 

So I have to assume she wanted other peoples feedback, and mine was that I feel her behavior clearly shows she isn't in love with this man and that he deserves better. I also pointed out how I felt the losing the job was right, since there was also discussion on whether or not the husband was right to do it.

 

Also no offense, but I'm not sure why you feel it is ok for some to tell her she deserved it and not others. Like there are only a certain number of spots open. If you are going to post on a message board like this be prepared for all kinds of people to weigh in..and be prepared for a lot of people to tell you the same thing.

 

Thing is, I can't speak for others, but it isn't fun to "preach" as you call it. It's not fun to have to talk about how someone destroyed someone elses life, etc.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Spectre

[Chi townD]

Sophie, you said that your husband has been growing a little distant recently. Is he still coming to co-parenting sessions? Next time he goes with you and when it ends, why do you ask him to go for coffee. You're in NYC, probably a coffee joint right next to the place. He may say that it's late and it's been a long day and he still has things to do. But, at least ask, all he can do is say no. But, be prepared for no. Don't get upset, but you need to be a little more in his life.

 

If he asks why. Just say, "It's just coffee dude. I figure with everything that's been going on we could use a little unwinding."

[Spectre]

I totally understand what you are saying, and I get it. But, you also need to understand that she came to a site where a lot of people have been devastated by the same actions that Sophie committed against her husband. And even your most adjusted former BH/BW WILL trigger! They could have read a sentence that Sophie wrote and then....BAM! They get set off and they vent. Is it wrong? yeah...it can be, especially if it's discovered that the WW or WH is TRUELY remorseful. Is their triggering understandable? Yeah.. Because they're dealing with their own pain.

 

I guess that's why people will tell others that post here, take the posts that are meaningful and that you can use and forget the rest of them. Because, chances are, they're just people that got triggered by her story.

 

I do feel if the only reason you are perhaps being "harsh" on someone is to make yourself feel better about your own experience with betrayals then that is wrong.

 

However, having harsh words for a cheater does not always mean you are just some bitter person projecting your problems onto this person. If anything, I'm saying what I say because I'm really trying to prevent anyone from having to experience pain similar to what I felt.

 

I hate for anyone to go through that, so if me maybe saying something to the OP that she has already heard before has even the slightest impact on whether or not she will repeat this behavior in the future I feel it is worth it since not only will it spare her future pain, but also spare any future partners pain.

 

I think someone who is truly very bitter and just projecting their own fury would simply do something like come in, call this person a bunch of names, and then leave.

 

I just think as long as you aren't making matters worse then it is fair game. Even if some of what I said was harsh I really do not feel any of it is actually harmful to the person.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Spectre

[Chi townD]

I said it before, I will be the FIRST to bash a WW or WH if they come on here. But, if I see that they are TRUELY remorseful for what they've done. Then, I'm on board with helping in anyway I can. It doesn't mean that I agree with what they've done, "But try this to see if you can make it better."

 

And I will be one of the FIRST ones to blast an WW or WH for not owning up to their own sh*t. They come on here and try to blameshift to us? I can only imagine the Bullsh*t they're spewing to their spouses!

 

But I agree with you, the first few pages, the WW and the WH are going to endure some lumps. But, if they weather the storm and they keep coming back saying, "Look guys, I screwed up. I screwed up bad. My wife/husband didn't deserve that.....I hate myself for what I did, I'm truly sorry for what I've done and I have no excuses. I'm so ashamed". I would be like, " YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SCREWED UP!!!............now, here's how you fix it."

[Sofie2013]

Sophie, you said that your husband has been growing a little distant recently. Is he still coming to co-parenting sessions? Next time he goes with you and when it ends, why do you ask him to go for coffee. You're in NYC, probably a coffee joint right next to the place. He may say that it's late and it's been a long day and he still has things to do. But, at least ask, all he can do is say no. But, be prepared for no. Don't get upset, but you need to be a little more in his life.

 

If he asks why. Just say, "It's just coffee dude. I figure with everything that's been going on we could use a little unwinding."

 

Yeah he has been growing apart from me recently. We do still go to co-parenting sessions together. I have asked out to lunch after one session he turned me down and he said he need to return to office I left it at that.

 

I do agree I have to be more involved in his life just don’t know how.

[Snipercatt]

I do agree I have to be more involved in his life just don’t know how.

 

I say this gently - you can't be more involved than he wants you to be. From all that you have posted it seems like this is a dealbreaker for him. If he doesn't want a friendship, or romantic relationship, with you, there won't be one.

Edited November 21, 2013 by Snipercatt

[drifter777]

I say this gently - you can't be more involved than he wants you to be. From all that you have posted it seems like this is a dealbreaker for him. If he doesn't want a friendship, or romantic relationship, with you, there won't be one.

Sophie - you need to move on. Be happy if you can have a good parenting relationship with him - it's more than most divorced couples ever have. If he wants to re-establish a romantic relationship with you then he will pursue it. For now just accept that your marriage is over and work on starting a new life.

[Clay]

I think others are right you probably need to just start focusing on you and the kids. You should let go of the chance you both will rekindle your love for each other. Its not to say it wont happen but you will never really recover if you don't give yourself a chance to live again.

 

You did mess up and I get that but your honestly one of the few that actually show serious remorse for your actions and I do have a lot of respect for that. It really shows you do have a heart and you deep inside are a good person.

 

Focus on finding you again and live life one day at a time. You never know he may someday look and see the woman he loved again and come to you.

 

I am glad to hear you are both still doing well for the kids. I still fight all the time with my xW and its been six years for since the divorce. What I would give to have at least a honest decent talking relationship with her but I have given up. What you have with your xH is good. I would keep that going strong.

 

Clay

[Sofie2013]

You guys might be right but I already told myself I wasn’t going to give up until the divorce if official. Until then I will still try to get him back. When the day comes and we are divorced then yes I will have to move on and try to find happiness elsewhere.

 

And I have started working on myself I go IC weekly and I have stared going to the gym again which has help a lot. So it’s not like I just sit around all day. Another thing my husband and I have only been separated for little more then I month.

[dreamingoftigers]

You guys might be right but I already told myself I wasn’t going to give up until the divorce if official. Until then I will still try to get him back. When the day comes and we are divorced then yes I will have to move on and try to find happiness elsewhere.

 

And I have started working on myself I go IC weekly and I have stared going to the gym again which has help a lot. So it’s not like I just sit around all day. Another thing my husband and I have only been separated for little more then I month.

 

I'm really sorry if this has been covered.

 

Have you contacted Divorce Busters at all?

 

They really helped with my trainwreck marriage.

[ConflictWithin]

Sofie, relax.

I have a feeling your husband's not going anywhere.

 

Then again, I could be wrong, but in briefly reading through your past posts about your husband, I have a feeling the final outcome may not be what you fear.

[Sofie2013]

I'm really sorry if this has been covered.

 

Have you contacted Divorce Busters at all?

 

They really helped with my trainwreck marriage.

 

No I don’t have any idea what “Divorce Busters” are or what they do.

 

How did they help you?

[Sofie2013]

My husband and I just made plans to go watch a movie as a family. Our counselor has asked us to do something like this for the kids. We spoke on the phone and he hand it all planned already. He going to pick us up around 6 and we might go to dinner as a family. I am so looking forward to this.

 

I know it’s mostly for the kids but he’s been acting can of cold towards me for the last few weeks so the thought we might get spend some time together it brings me unbelievable feeling of joy. Super exited

[Clay]

That is wonderful. I am very happy for you.

 

Clay

[miguelcervantes]

You guys might be right but I already told myself I wasn’t going to give up until the divorce if official. Until then I will still try to get him back. When the day comes and we are divorced then yes I will have to move on and try to find happiness elsewhere.

 

And I have started working on myself I go IC weekly and I have stared going to the gym again which has help a lot. So it’s not like I just sit around all day. Another thing my husband and I have only been separated for little more then I month.

 

Absolutely Sofie! Keep trying and don't give up till you know it is truly over! And great news about the family movie etc. I don't want to give false hope but this is exactly how my wife won me back (and the fact that I never stopped loving her).

[Trimmer]

My husband and I just made plans to go watch a movie as a family. Our counselor has asked us to do something like this for the kids. We spoke on the phone and he hand it all planned already. He going to pick us up around 6 and we might go to dinner as a family. I am so looking forward to this.

 

I know it’s mostly for the kids but he’s been acting can of cold towards me for the last few weeks so the thought we might get spend some time together it brings me unbelievable feeling of joy. Super exited

I think this is good, in its way, but I sure hope you aren't getting your hopes up too much. It sounds like when it comes to your relationship as spouses, he is showing NO signs of interest, but when it comes to your relationship as parents within the family, he is willing to put effort in.

 

If this is the case, be careful you don't misinterpret it. Since my divorce, I've been a DAMN nice guy, being cordial, socializing with extended family, helping out the ex in certain ways. It would be easy to misinterpret that in a hopeful way, kinda like you're saying: "well, it's something..." But in fact, it's all and only about our kids. Our kids need both of us to be calm, stable parents individually, and they need us to be able to work together - in a parental relationship - to have the best shot at growing up to be not-messed-up. For me, it's been a very conscious decision to be open, cordial, helpful, cooperative, etc. for this reason, but only for this reason. If she ever asked if I was interested in getting back together (and she did, obliquely, once...) she would find me completely uninterested.

 

I hope for you that it can work out the way you want, but I worry that you might be misinterpreting his actions that are completely consistent with a parent eagerly and positively fulfilling his role and responsibilities, as uf they are signs of interest as a spouse.

 

I really feel like I'm being a wet blanket, but I just don't want you to crash into a concrete wall at some point. Is there anything he's done that seems hopeful from a strictly spousal relationship point of view - anything that's not pretty clearly a part of your parental relationship?

 

Why did he agree to go to counseling? (if he did; I can't remember...)

Why is he participating in the upcoming family outing?

What do you guys talk about when you do talk?

[turnera]

There is a website called Divorce Busters, I think.

 

I would urge you instead to read or reread His Needs Her Needs and then print out its Emotional Needs questionnaire and Love Buster questionnaire. Ask him to fill them out; if he won't, try to fill them out for him. The EN will explain in what ways you should best be meeting his top needs, and the LB will explain what you do that harms or upsets your H, so you can stop doing those things.

[dreamingoftigers]

No I don’t have any idea what “Divorce Busters” are or what they do.

 

How did they help you?

 

There's been a couple of books that the founder of it put out.

I read Divorce Remedy.

 

Plus I did actually pay for coaching sessions which to be completely honest were 110% worth it. Very very effective.

My spouse had even moved to another city and was being a real miserable bastard. (ARG, whatever people. He would agree with that evaluation).

[tiredofitall2]

I think marriageadvocates is a good one too.

[Sofie2013]

I think this is good, in its way, but I sure hope you aren't getting your hopes up too much. It sounds like when it comes to your relationship as spouses, he is showing NO signs of interest, but when it comes to your relationship as parents within the family, he is willing to put effort in.

 

If this is the case, be careful you don't misinterpret it. Since my divorce, I've been a DAMN nice guy, being cordial, socializing with extended family, helping out the ex in certain ways. It would be easy to misinterpret that in a hopeful way, kinda like you're saying: "well, it's something..." But in fact, it's all and only about our kids. Our kids need both of us to be calm, stable parents individually, and they need us to be able to work together - in a parental relationship - to have the best shot at growing up to be not-messed-up. For me, it's been a very conscious decision to be open, cordial, helpful, cooperative, etc. for this reason, but only for this reason. If she ever asked if I was interested in getting back together (and she did, obliquely, once...) she would find me completely uninterested.

 

I hope for you that it can work out the way you want, but I worry that you might be misinterpreting his actions that are completely consistent with a parent eagerly and positively fulfilling his role and responsibilities, as uf they are signs of interest as a spouse.

 

I really feel like I'm being a wet blanket, but I just don't want you to crash into a concrete wall at some point. Is there anything he's done that seems hopeful from a strictly spousal relationship point of view - anything that's not pretty clearly a part of your parental relationship?

 

Why did he agree to go to counseling? (if he did; I can't remember...)

Why is he participating in the upcoming family outing?

What do you guys talk about when you do talk?

 

 

I try to remain calm and not to get too excited about thing like this. I know it doesn’t mean much and he probably only doing for the kids. Whatever the reason he doing for it still a chance to show what could be if she would to give me a chance.

 

He did not agree to couples counseling it was co-parenting counseling which was what he agreed to. He told me if we stared to talking about us he would stop going and it was for and about the kids not us.

 

For the family outings was our counselor’s idea she thought it could help the kids handle the separation and future divorce better. I guess my husband also thought it was a good idea so he agreed.

 

When we talk it can be anything from the kids to personal stuff. We are not talking as much now as the previous weeks. Sometimes he will still call be just to talk which is kind of weird since he’s never been talkative kind but I don’t mind I actually enjoy talking to him. I unlike him love to talk

[Sofie2013]

@ turnera,tiredofitall2, dreamingoftigers

 

I will look into everything you guys mentioned.

[Spectre]

To be honest Sofie, I think if you ever cared about your husband you need to let him go. By that I mean you have to stop trying to really do anything with him or talk to him about anything other then the kids(like I believe you said he asked you to do at one point?). Maybe even encourage him to get out and go on a few dates with other women.

 

I think in the end if you do love him you should feel he deserves better. Not that he deserves someone perfect, but at the very least someone who will not do what you did. I am not trying to be harsh, but I would think if you truly cared about him you would not let him miss out on his chance to form a connection with someone who won't do this.

 

Especially since sometimes when people do take back a cheater it isn't always for the right reasons, yet they do it anyway even if deep down they know it is wrong. I am talking about people staying because they feel nobody else will ever love them and they won't ever have anyone else ever again, etc.

 

For me if I cheated on someone I would pretty much think that life is short and as much as I might like to reconcile this person also deserves to be happy and to experience the kind of happiness that comes from truly finding that special someone.

 

Sometimes it is not up to the person who got cheated on to walk away, sometimes it is up to the cheater.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Spectre

[janedoe67]

Sophie, some people don't believe in it...some people don't want to believe in it

 

But there is such a thing as redemption. It may not mean that you reconcile with your husband. But there IS such a thing as redemption.

 

Don't let anyone tell you differently.

 

Period.

[Scott Thomas]

Regardless of whether you two divorce and he starts seeing other women, do not give up on reconciliation, even if this takes up to two years or includes not dating other men. Its time you 'geared up' and won your husband back.