Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Sofie2013]

Never had a Christmas tree!!!....hmmm red flag city (sounds cold) but never mind..

 

I agree and I don't. If I was Sofie I would have a serious heart to heart before the holidays. I would make it clear to him that I love him and would give anything for a second chance but that I understand it was my actions that ruined the marriage. Now i know Sofie is not 100% responsible for the martial problems BUT her I feel she needs to take accountability. I would proceed to tell him that he deserves better and explain to him why he deserves better. I would compliment him on all his good parts and tell him the next girl wouldn't be as stupid as she was.

 

I would tell him that he is welcome for as much time as he wants over the holidays, but after that they should keep contact as miminal as possible while the divorce is going through. The reason is because she is hurting at the thought of losing her best friend but more importantly she wants to give him space to move forward with his life (this shows unselfishness, putting his needs first). Once I made this speech I would focus on the holidays.

 

I feel by laying her cards on the table there is a certainty honesty there. Once she does this then she should start the painful process of letting go. The speech has to be genuine not some ploy to get him back. Time apart can make him see things differently. It's January, it's cold and he knows he has a wife willing to do anything to get him back...To me that is the best option. Beats the heck out of playing nice wife and hope for the best..

 

I know all the martial problems we have had aren’t entire my fault. My husband has to take to take some blame for those problems as well. However the reason why our marriage will ending is totally my fault.

 

Over all I like your idea I might to do something similar after the divorce is finalized it might be a little too soon to do it now. I will give him space if that what he want. At the end of the day I really want what’s best and what makes him happy I hope that’s with me if it isn’t then yeah I will have to move on

[tiredofitall2]

Sofie, has it ever occurred to you that your H might be going through with the D as a way to gain control or empowerment? Even a way to punish you. I mean, sometimes a D might be finalized but the actual R isn't It is a coping mechanism.

 

Not to say that he won't move on, but might happen eventually and not at this very moment. I have seen situations where there have been some short and frequent reconciliations. The main thing that can make a difference is how you handle yourself trough the whole thing that might make him reconsider.

 

Do you know what his Emotional Needs are? Have you done a 180 to demonstrate you are a changed woman. We all know it takes 2 to get where you are, but as you stated above, you gave your M the final blow. So you must be first to work on fulfilling his emotional needs. That along with building his trust.

 

Remember, actions are worth more than a thousand words. So he must see and feel the changes.

[tom670]

Sofie, has it ever occurred to you that your H might be going through with the D as a way to gain control or empowerment? Even a way to punish you. I mean, sometimes a D might be finalized but the actual R isn't It is a coping mechanism.

 

Not to say that he won't move on, but might happen eventually and not at this very moment. I have seen situations where there have been some short and frequent reconciliations. The main thing that can make a difference is how you handle yourself trough the whole thing that might make him reconsider.

 

Do you know what his Emotional Needs are? Have you done a 180 to demonstrate you are a changed woman. We all know it takes 2 to get where you are, but as you stated above, you gave your M the final blow. So you must be first to work on fulfilling his emotional needs. That along with building his trust.

 

Remember, actions are worth more than a thousand words. So he must see and feel the changes.

 

It can take 2 to 5 years to get over infidelity I'm sure he is torn from one moment to the next.

[BeholdtheMan]

I commed OP's husband for not caving in to OP's repeated efforts to "win him back". The man has determination and I respect that

[Fluttershy]

I commed OP's husband for not caving in to OP's repeated efforts to "win him back". The man has determination and I respect that

 

I respect the Husband's descision. But I find people who give second chances and are forgiving are far more attractive. People who can put their hurt aside and work on keeping a marriage together have a lot going for them. People who at least, depending on the history and situation, give reconciliation a try. I truly hope that Sophie's husband turns out to be one of those people. Especialy if the main thing he needs to overcome is his pride and ego. Pride and ego should never come before family and love. And I am a firm believer that self respect can be maintained when you give someone a second chance.

[sidney2718]

 

I still plan on fight for my husband. I know a lot of poster thinks it isn’t worth it but to me he more than worth it.

 

And a lot of us think it IS worth it. Stay the course and fight for your marriage!

[Sofie2013]

Sofie, has it ever occurred to you that your H might be going through with the D as a way to gain control or empowerment? Even a way to punish you. I mean, sometimes a D might be finalized but the actual R isn't It is a coping mechanism.

 

Not to say that he won't move on, but might happen eventually and not at this very moment. I have seen situations where there have been some short and frequent reconciliations. The main thing that can make a difference is how you handle yourself trough the whole thing that might make him reconsider.

 

Do you know what his Emotional Needs are? Have you done a 180 to demonstrate you are a changed woman. We all know it takes 2 to get where you are, but as you stated above, you gave your M the final blow. So you must be first to work on fulfilling his emotional needs. That along with building his trust.

 

Remember, actions are worth more than a thousand words. So he must see and feel the changes.

 

I hoping he’s going through for similar reason. I don’t know if he is he could be. If he is then that fine with me I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t really care how we go about getting back together as long as the end product is us back together.

 

I don’t know his emotional needs are. I tried to take a guess of what his top fiver they were I know for sure affection and sexual fulfillment are 1 and 2. The others I am not too sure about. I don’t if anyone could guess what their spouse emotional needs are without them telling them first. Although I did learn my husband did take care of almost all of my emotional needs with realizing it. I didn’t know about them till a few weeks ago. I have tried to do a 180 to demonstrate at I am trying to change. I hope he realizes.

[tiredofitall2]

Sofie, are you sure he took care of all your ENs? I doubt it! Of course has nothing to do with your cheating. Or my cheating (I did it too) But, you constantly say he is very quiet and keeps to himself and I know women in general have "communication" as one of their top 5.

 

I know for men it's typically an attractive partner, sexual fulfillment and admiration amongst others.

 

The reason I point this out is because if you do R with your H you must make sure you both are taking care of each other's ENs.

[Sofie2013]

I commed OP's husband for not caving in to OP's repeated efforts to "win him back". The man has determination and I respect that

 

 

One of the things I love of most about my husband is his personality. For the most part he’s very laid back and goes with the flow. But he can also be very determined if I wants something he going to get sooner or later. I think it’s one of the things people like most about him

[Sofie2013]

Sofie, are you sure he took care of all your ENs? I doubt it! Of course has nothing to do with your cheating. Or my cheating (I did it too) But, you constantly say he is very quiet and keeps to himself and I know women in general have "communication" as one of their top 5.

 

I know for men it's typically an attractive partner, sexual fulfillment and admiration amongst others.

 

The reason I point this out is because if you do R with your H you must make sure you both are taking care of each other's ENs.

 

 

He didn’t take care of all my emotional needs. He did take care of most of them. My emotional needs are 1, Affection 2, honesty and openness 3, sexual fulfillment 4, Financial Support, 5, conversation.

 

At point he did meet all of them. So I know he can take care of all of my EN since he’s done it before. I do think I can take care of his EN as will if I know what they are .

[Sofie2013]

I will post more later about what happened yesterday. it was a good day and night . I have to do some Xmas shopping

[FrankieFrank]

He didn’t take care of all my emotional needs. He did take care of most of them. My emotional needs are 1, Affection 2, honesty and openness 3, sexual fulfillment 4, Financial Support, 5, conversation.

 

At point he did meet all of them. So I know he can take care of all of my EN since he’s done it before. I do think I can take care of his EN as will if I know what they are .

 

So basically if you don't take care of all women's emotional needs all the time, you get cheated on? That's the message I'm taking away from it.

 

Damn, sounds cold.

[tiredofitall2]

So basically if you don't take care of all women's emotional needs all the time, you get cheated on? That's the message I'm taking away from it.

 

Damn, sounds cold.

 

No FF, cheating has no excuse. I'm just pointing it out so that they are aware of any weaknesses in their M. Assuming affairs happen as a result of a lack of needs being met. Now remember, marriages are not perfect and I doubt that good strong marriages are so because all ENs are met. Yet people don't cheat in a large number of marriages. Cheating is more of a character flaw, but that being said. It is good that she is aware of what those needs are for future reference.

 

 

What is alarming is the number of people, both men and women that confess to having an A at some point in their marriage when surveyed.

 

Are so many people lacking character, is it our society or perhaps if people were more aware of their partners needs there would not be as many A in the first place.

 

I would hope so, if not it would imply that people are just f*cked up!

[sidney2718]

So basically if you don't take care of all women's emotional needs all the time, you get cheated on? That's the message I'm taking away from it.

 

Damn, sounds cold.

 

I'm sure there are some women who cheat for the fun or excitement of it. But I don't think that's the way to bet. In most cases of infidelity (male and female) there is a problem in the marriage.

 

That doesn't excuse the infidelity, but I think that reconciliation is very difficult if those problems are not dealt with.

 

As for your question, if you don't take care of most of a woman's emotional needs at all, I think it is almost certain that the marriage will go bust, one way or another.

[sidney2718]

No FF, cheating has no excuse. I'm just pointing it out so that they are aware of any weaknesses in their M. Assuming affairs happen as a result of a lack of needs being met. Now remember, marriages are not perfect and I doubt that good strong marriages are so because all ENs are met. Yet people don't cheat in a large number of marriages. Cheating is more of a character flaw, but that being said. It is good that she is aware of what those needs are for future reference.

 

 

What is alarming is the number of people, both men and women that confess to having an A at some point in their marriage when surveyed.

 

Are so many people lacking character, is it our society or perhaps if people were more aware of their partners needs there would not be as many A in the first place.

 

I would hope so, if not it would imply that people are just f*cked up!

 

I don't think so. I think that in many affairs that start in order to have needs met, the idea is that the affair will NEVER be discovered. Since I happen to think that a great number of affairs, both EA and PA are not, in fact, discovered, that would explain the large number of people who anonymously confess to having an affair.

 

And I don't think it is a matter of character, but I do agree that if people were more aware of their partner's needs, there would not be so many A's in the first place.

[Sofie2013]

Yesterday was a great day. We did go and cut the tree which was a great experience. The kids absolutely loved it I was able to get some great pic’s of them and my husband cutting the tree. The weather was kind of bad. It was raining most of the day and we did get soaked. It was a fun day we made a lot of great memories.

 

We end coming home pretty late and after setting up the tree it was about 11pm. The kids stayed downstairs with my husband playing Xbox I went upstairs to get some sleep since I wanted them to spend some time themselves. I was partly a sleep when one of my boys comes to my room and asked if I wanted to watch I Xmas move with them and I did so I went back downstairs. I asked if they wanted hot coco they said yes. I went to the kitchen and hubby followed me and asked if need help. We started making hot coco together. He actually even flirted with me. We went back to the living room. My husband pulled me closer to him so we would sit next to each other and we just watched the movie. We all fell a sleep before the move was done and all of woke up in the living room together. Me and my husband actually fell asleep lying next to each other. It was a great night

[ChooseTruth]

So basically if you don't take care of all women's emotional needs all the time, you get cheated on? That's the message I'm taking away from it.

 

Damn, sounds cold.

 

No one said that. I suggest you read a bit more of the thread, Sophie has been one of the best WSs I've seen about not blame shifting and owning her own actions. What you saw her say just now was an answer to a direct question about her BH fulfulling her emotional needs. She was actually quiet complimentary at first but ppl pushed even harder and finally she relented and said he wasn't perfect. She didn't say the affair was caused by this....

[FrankieFrank]

Not blameshifting and owning actions is irrelevant now. There is question "why did it happen in the first place?".

 

Some people suggest here that is just OP's character flaw. Maybe there were severe problems in marriage that pushed OP to make it happen. Maybe combination of both. Who knows?

 

I'm just terrified at the thought that it seems like you have to jump around your partner 24/7, catering to every single emotional need they might have, because otherwise they cheat on you. There you have it - you failed to meet all the needs, you get cheated on. But from what I've read here, pain and images might last for years. Doesn't it sound a bit... disproportionate to say the least? Years of punishment for possibly momentary lack of attention?

 

I shudder to think about it.

[peruano99]

Sorry about saying this Sophie but you were a fool for what you have done.

Edited December 8, 2013 by peruano99

[peruano99]

I thought this for two reasons

One was because it was what I wanted to believe. It made easier to carry on the affair with that way of thinking. Deep down I always knew this could happen I just didn’t want to see it. I was very much a cake eater during my affair. It was just one of many lies I told myself which I am just realized today actually.

 

The second reason is when he cheated on me I took him back. I thought he would do the same. Things is weren’t for one married yet, we weren’t in a good place in short I used to justify my affair.

 

Your husband cheated on you first? Never mind, you are not a fool. You two can work it out then.

[ChooseTruth]

Not blameshifting and owning actions is irrelevant now. There is question "why did it happen in the first place?".

 

Some people suggest here that is just OP's character flaw. Maybe there were severe problems in marriage that pushed OP to make it happen. Maybe combination of both. Who knows?

 

I'm just terrified at the thought that it seems like you have to jump around your partner 24/7, catering to every single emotional need they might have, because otherwise they cheat on you. There you have it - you failed to meet all the needs, you get cheated on. But from what I've read here, pain and images might last for years. Doesn't it sound a bit... disproportionate to say the least? Years of punishment for possibly momentary lack of attention?

 

I shudder to think about it.

This is turning into a t/j, but I'll just make this one point, which I actually meant to make in my last post but forgot.

 

Not meeting someone's emotional needs doesn't mean your partner is going to cheat any more than a women going somewhere alone dressed skimpily means she's going to get raped. The cheating (or rape) is on the perpetrator, not the victim. You can take precautions and maybe you will delay the bad thing from happening, but if bad boundaries are there, or lack of communication, dishonesty, or pure selfishness, whatever the flaw the wayward has, the cheating will probably happen eventually anyway. They'll find some excuse. Maybe they grow in the process of reconciliation, maybe it really was a lapse in judgement and they are fully remorseful, maybe not.

 

I'm not sure which one it is in Sophie's case, that she grew a lot in recovery or she had a lapse in judgement. I'm thinking a bit of both.

[Sofie2013]

So basically if you don't take care of all women's emotional needs all the time, you get cheated on? That's the message I'm taking away from it.

 

Damn, sounds cold.

 

My affair is it one issue no its own. It has more to do with me then my husband. I know a lot of women who are unhappy in a marriage and don’t cheat.

[Sparty97]

Your husband cheated on you first? Never mind, you are not a fool. You two can work it out then.

 

Actually, no. If I remember correctly they had split up (before marriage), he slept with someone, and they got back together. So no, he didn't cheat. There was nothing for her to forgive.

[Sofie2013]

I'm sure there are some women who cheat for the fun or excitement of it. But I don't think that's the way to bet. In most cases of infidelity (male and female) there is a problem in the marriage.

 

That doesn't excuse the infidelity, but I think that reconciliation is very difficult if those problems are not dealt with.

 

As for your question, if you don't take care of most of a woman's emotional needs at all, I think it is almost certain that the marriage will go bust, one way or another.

 

Most affair do start in marriages where ones not happy. Most people won’t cheat if they are 100% happy. It’s still not an excuse to cheat.

 

In my case my counselor believes my husband and I have a few deep rooted issues we never solved and it played a part it why the affair took place.

[Sofie2013]

Actually, no. If I remember correctly they had split up (before marriage), he slept with someone, and they got back together. So no, he didn't cheat. There was nothing for her to forgive.

 

No we were very much together. We were already living together and in college. I went study abroad for a semester. During that time he stared cheating on me and would leave me for her.