Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[BetrayedH]

Well, I came here to chime in on the revenge thing but it looks like I need to start with congratulations on the upcoming date. That's awesome. I think it's a great sign that he waited outside to ask you, that it's not some lunch/coffee thing, and it's actually at a work function where some people know about it. I just think that speak volumes to making progress.

 

As for the other thing, I agree with those that suggested that you probably didn't have your affair out of resentment or revenge for his pre-marital cheating but that you likely felt safer having it because you thought he would be forgiving, like you were.

 

I definitely think you need to keep being introspective about why you had the affair. If you understand this well, you can be more likely to avoid using that coping mechanism in the future and he'll feel more secure with you. My view is that this is going as it should. A truly remorseful wayward is willing to do anything to restore the marriage; that's when it is healthy for the BS to consider reconciliation. Keep it up.

[ChooseTruth]

OMG he asked me out.

 

Ok so I went to counseling with hubby. We had somewhat of a short session. He left before I did. I stayed and talked to my counselor for rest of the hour. Theirs was only about 15 minutes left in the session. I walked out and found him waiting outside. He asked if I wanted to go have lunch with him. So we went to a local restaurant had a little lunch and we walked back to his office. No are way to his office he asked if I wanted to go to his firms Xmas party/dinner which of course I said yes. It’s this Friday and I can’t wait. It is kind of weird since I came out of nowhere but it’s more than ok with me

 

 

That's awesome. When my ex and I would go to counseling we might start out being ok but we were usually FUMING at each other when leaving, either that or someone was in tears.

 

For him to ask you out on a date and you being so happy about it, that's a very good sign

 

 

Oh and the RA thing. Maybe it made you more vulnerable (that's my choice of words for it), but it shouldn't be blame or justification. Like most people said, it was still your choice. If your counselor is not focusing on YOUR part of this, I'd be wary of them. I couldn't stand it when my counselor didn't focus on ME, because I'm the one I can change, not her.

Edited December 17, 2013 by ChooseTruth

[Fluttershy]

I am very happy for you sophie. Keep on the good work on making yourself a better person. Not just so you can be a better wife and mother but also so that you can be confident in yourself as well. And thank you for keeping us all posted.

[whiterabbit46]

Hooray! I've been pulling for you two ever since I first read your story. Yes, you did something very wrong, but I could see the love and attraction between you and your husband. No matter what he says, I think he's sincere in wanting you two to stay together. Keep wishing on your star. Never give up hope.

[whatatangledweb]

That is wonderful. You really deserve a second chance.

[Sofie2013]

I 110% agree with your counsellor. Your whole attitude was so wrong when you were having the affair. First thought process it was like "I am really enjoying the thrill". Second thought process "I don't ever expect to get caught so what is the harm". The third thought process "Even if I get caught my husband cheated on me and I forgave him" (that is soooo wrong).

 

It's like you used the third thought process as a safety net. Not once did you consider your kids in your selfishness. I think your husband will take you back, but I would be worried about payback in the future. Everyone gets tempted. If they say they don't they are lieing. I think trust becomes automatic when you have never cheated before.

 

It's when both parties have cheated where it becomes really difficult to rebuild trust. What happens wjen the new honeymoon period is over? When he is on weekends away or late nights at work. He might think "well she cheated while married on me soooooooooooooooooo". It takes a lot of skills to overcome all this. Skills neither of you have displayed much til now. Ok buying Chriistmas trees, seeing the kids happy and drinking hot chocolate till the early hours are great, but now the real work begins.

 

Martial counselling is a good place to start if he does agree to try again as it will help you both develop the skills required to make this work. I wouldn't take a cheater back but that is just me. I hope he can forgive and you both move on together and make a stronger team.

 

 

Yeah I agree his previous cheating did in some ways help justify my affiar although I’m not welling to go as far and say it was the part of the reason I had an affair. My attitude during the affair was F**ked up. It just goes to show how the strong the affair fog is.

 

I did use my husband previous cheating as a safety net and I truly believed he would leave not after everything we been through. Now I realize that just made the betray much greater that I was willing to throw it all away for what in the end amounted to nothing.

 

Will he ever cheat again,Will I ever cheat again I don’t know maybe. We both proved we are compatible of doing it. You can agrue I what I did was worse or whatever but he still cheated and I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt me.

 

Rebuilding our relationship is going be a very difficult,hard and long road ahead of us. If my husband does decided to give me another chance.I do believe my husband and I could pull through this and become a stronger couple in the end. Deep down I know he’s the man I’m supposed spend the rest of my life with and he must have some kind of feeling for me given the way he has acted in the recent days and weeks. It is a lot too overcome but I believe we are more then able to pull through this.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Goodluck Sophie - sounds very promising.

[fallingdown2013]

Yeah I agree his previous cheating did in some ways help justify my affiar although I’m not welling to go as far and say it was the part of the reason I had an affair. My attitude during the affair was F**ked up. It just goes to show how the strong the affair fog is.

 

I did use my husband previous cheating as a safety net and I truly believed he would leave not after everything we been through. Now I realize that just made the betray much greater that I was willing to throw it all away for what in the end amounted to nothing.

 

Will he ever cheat again,Will I ever cheat again I don’t know maybe. We both proved we are compatible of doing it. You can agrue I what I did was worse or whatever but he still cheated and I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt me.

 

Rebuilding our relationship is going be a very difficult,hard and long road ahead of us. If my husband does decided to give me another chance.I do believe my husband and I could pull through this and become a stronger couple in the end. Deep down I know he’s the man I’m supposed spend the rest of my life with and he must have some kind of feeling for me given the way he has acted in the recent days and weeks. It is a lot too overcome but I believe we are more then able to pull through this.

 

This my first post ever, so hopefully I did it right. Sophie, I also hope that your husband gives you a second chance. However, you must be absolutely certain that you'll never cheat again. In your post, you said that both you and your husband have proven capable of cheating and you don't know if one of you will cheat again... maybe. You can't control your husband's actions, but you can certainly control your own. One idea is to write a short message to yourself and make it a habit to read it in your head every morning when you wake up. The message should remind you of your commitment to never hurt your husband again because you've seen his pain. I don't believe in forgetting what has happened because you may become complacent as the years go by. Don't obsess over your betrayal, you must forgive yourself, but definitely don't forget about it. You are ABSOLUTELY certain that you will never cheat again. I wish you the best, Sophie.

[aeg512]

This is a good sign since he is taking you to a work function.

[Zenstudent]

Yeah I agree his previous cheating did in some ways help justify my affiar although I’m not welling to go as far and say it was the part of the reason I had an affair. My attitude during the affair was F**ked up. It just goes to show how the strong the affair fog is.

 

I did use my husband previous cheating as a safety net and I truly believed he would leave not after everything we been through. Now I realize that just made the betray much greater that I was willing to throw it all away for what in the end amounted to nothing.

 

Will he ever cheat again,Will I ever cheat again I don’t know maybe. We both proved we are compatible of doing it. You can agrue I what I did was worse or whatever but he still cheated and I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt me.

 

Rebuilding our relationship is going be a very difficult,hard and long road ahead of us. If my husband does decided to give me another chance.I do believe my husband and I could pull through this and become a stronger couple in the end. Deep down I know he’s the man I’m supposed spend the rest of my life with and he must have some kind of feeling for me given the way he has acted in the recent days and weeks. It is a lot too overcome but I believe we are more then able to pull through this.

Sofie; I've followed your story since the beginning, and I get the feeling that you regret and that you really want this to work - and I root for you.

 

I would like to point out a few troublesome things in this post.

 

I'm not quite sure why you say that you may or may not cheat again?? To me it indicates that you haven't figured out yet how to avoid it, and I know that you're searching for the reason (I would go with selfishness and lack of respect for your husband and your marriage for a start and then dig deeper).

 

If my wife told me that she don't know whether she will cheat again or not, there is absolutely no way I would consider staying with her.

 

Second; you say that you know that you're supposed to live your life with your BS. IMO, that kind of destiny-belief won't get you anywhere - it's a passive way of living your life - you're just floating with the stream. This could also be a line of thinking that got you were you ended - in an affair.

 

Just a few thoughts for you.

[anne1707]

Will he ever cheat again,Will I ever cheat again I don’t know maybe. We both proved we are compatible of doing it. You can agrue I what I did was worse or whatever but he still cheated and I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt me.

 

I actually don't take this as a failing in the potential reconcilation process and in Sofie's thinking. I see it as an acknowledegment that people can be weak and do the wrong thing. It is better to acknoweldge than to just be head in the sand and think all will be hunky dory. Recognising what can go wrong if a marriage is not worked on is a hell of a motivator to make sure it is worked on.

[road]

Sofie glad to hear that you are invited to a wonderful Christmas party. What purse will you be carrying on your arm. Last year kenneth cole was in mode, so what will it be this year Hermes? Let us know which bag you took! I am sure with either one you'll look fab.

 

What ?

[Zenstudent]

I actually don't take this as a failing in the potential reconcilation process and in Sofie's thinking. I see it as an acknowledegment that people can be weak and do the wrong thing. It is better to acknoweldge than to just be head in the sand and think all will be hunky dory. Recognising what can go wrong if a marriage is not worked on is a hell of a motivator to make sure it is worked on.

I get what you mean, but still I don't like the sound of it. It's a good thing to recognize weaknesses, but doing all you possibly can to compensate should IMO make it possible to say: "I've done this and that to make sure it won't happen again, so I don't believe I will choose that route again".

 

On another note; are you sure it's the marriage that needs to be worked on?

[anne1707]

I get what you mean, but still I don't like the sound of it. It's a good thing to recognize weaknesses, but doing all you possibly can to compensate should IMO make it possible to say: "I've done this and that to make sure it won't happen again, so I don't believe I will choose that route again".

 

On another note; are you sure it's the marriage that needs to be worked on?

 

All marriages need to be worked on not just the people in the marriage.

[Zenstudent]

All marriages need to be worked on not just the people in the marriage.

Ok, if Sofie tells her husband that he should take her back so they can work on the marriage - how do you think he'll respond?

 

Anne; I haven't read your story - is it your belief that infidelity only occurs in marriages in bad shape?

 

I believe that every relation starts with the people/individuals in the relation. But I have no problem with differing views.

[miguelcervantes]

OMG he asked me out.

 

Ok so I went to counseling with hubby. We had somewhat of a short session. He left before I did. I stayed and talked to my counselor for rest of the hour. Theirs was only about 15 minutes left in the session. I walked out and found him waiting outside. He asked if I wanted to go have lunch with him. So we went to a local restaurant had a little lunch and we walked back to his office. No are way to his office he asked if I wanted to go to his firms Xmas party/dinner which of course I said yes. It’s this Friday and I can’t wait. It is kind of weird since I came out of nowhere but it’s more than ok with me

 

Way to go Sofie! Excellent news! Good progress! You guys really need to get back together and stop hurting each other when it is clear that you love each other so much! You both had some growing up to do and it looks like you both have. Continue working on this as you have done and don't let anyone get in the way of the good work you are doing. Your counsellor may have something there but I wouldn't place too much importance on it. He cheated and you took him back for your own reasons and then you got married! Then ... you cheated (for whatever reasons) and now you are doing everything right in fixing it - don't be swayed from this when you are doing so well. And I say this for your well being - if I thought that you did not really love him, I would not be this supportive, but that is not the case - for both of you from the looks of it!

 

Good luck going forward.

[tiredofitall2]

Ok, if Sofie tells her husband that he should take her back so they can work on the marriage - how do you think he'll respond?

 

Anne; I haven't read your story - is it your belief that infidelity only occurs in marriages in bad shape?

 

I believe that every relation starts with the people/individuals in the relation. But I have no problem with differing views.

 

I think the individuals form the marriage. It is ultimately an individual's flaws that will cause them to stray. Problems in the marriage tend to be brought upon by the people involved. Not giving in, not compromising, being selfish or plain lazy.

 

Affairs are sometimes a symptom and many times not. People chose what to do. A problem with respecting boundaries is probably the biggest problem.

 

Now, I'm not sure if in Sophie's case it was an issue of boundaries, resentment or the "one thing led to the other" thing. But it happened and although it sounds bad, she is just admitting that obviously they were bith capable of doing it. So, if you have a problem with alcohol, stay away from bars. Sophie should always be aware of her past behavior and run from any situation that can even remotely cause her to fail again.

 

The good thing is that this lesson has probably made her realize the value of family vs the thrill of an A.

[Fluttershy]

While infidelity wasn't even on my radar pre-affair, I could nevertheless see myself cheat on my fWS in the future. Not out of revenge, but because she has demonstrated how little she thinks of the things we had together - it's all for sale in exchange for a little fun in the hay with a different dude. Why protect something that isn't valued?

 

I don't believe I'm that kind of man though, so I don't think it'll happen, but I understand the logic as well as the feeling of insignificance.

 

Revenge - no. Lower/weaker boundaries? I guess that's possible.

 

Sofie; I've followed your story since the beginning, and I get the feeling that you regret and that you really want this to work - and I root for you.

 

I would like to point out a few troublesome things in this post.

 

I'm not quite sure why you say that you may or may not cheat again?? To me it indicates that you haven't figured out yet how to avoid it, and I know that you're searching for the reason (I would go with selfishness and lack of respect for your husband and your marriage for a start and then dig deeper).

 

You and Sophie seem to be a the same place as far as this. I'd encourage both of you to take action so you can say "No, I will not cheat because I know the terrible pain and devestation it causes"

[Chi townD]

I'm glad that he asked you to his work function. But, take it in stride. Be decked out to the 9s. Look fabulous. And give him a lot of attention. Don't go off and talk to any men by yourself at this event. Any little thing can trigger him. Remember, he's still on that roller coaster ride. The thing is, he's not in the house for you to see it. So, be mindful of that.

 

Dance plenty of dances with him and stay away from drinking too much. Do not dance with any other men. Monitor how much he's drinking. If he gets too buzzed, he may go sideways on you. So, don't give him a opportunity to drink too much (but, don't say anything to him about it). Just drag him out on the dance floor or feed him a lot of food. "Oh, you have to try one of these mini quiches, they're fantastic!"

 

And enjoy the night. If he's open to a little affection, then shower him with it. But, if he pulls away from it, then let it go.

[Fluttershy]

If this were enough, most people would not cheat. The problem is that thinking about the terrible pain it causes becomes, thinking about the terrible pain it causes to my spouse... and its such a short hop to, "so I had better not get caught". If someone wants to affair proof a marriage, they MUST affair proof themselves, not their spouses, and not hang onto the notion that empathy is sufficient enough resource to take a step back when an affair is in the making. Truly affair proofing yourself means ensuring that no one person can get close enough to you even to tempt you and cause you to "think about the pain" if you go further. By then, as we can see in 1000s of stories on these pages, the affair is already in the making, and its down to technical things like how am I going to get away with this, not, should I be doing this.

 

Affairs do not begin at "some point" necessarily. The most difficult to overcome affairs: friends-close friends-emotion affair-emotional/physical affairs" simply do not have a pinpoint where you can say "there, that was the day I needed to say WAIT." All along the timeline of these encounters we find hundreds of moments in which the WS needed to STOP before losing control.

 

 

That is why I said "take action" and not "how could you ever think you'd cheat again after experiencing it. I figured the take action inplied they had work to do...

[Zenstudent]

You and Sophie seem to be a the same place as far as this. I'd encourage both of you to take action so you can say "No, I will not cheat because I know the terrible pain and devestation it causes"

It seems to me that you know me better than I do, or I haven't expressed myself very well.

[Fluttershy]

It seems to me that you know me better than I do, or I haven't expressed myself very well.

 

It was only your own words. Perhaps you didn't mean them the way it read..

[anne1707]

Ok, if Sofie tells her husband that he should take her back so they can work on the marriage - how do you think he'll respond?

 

Anne; I haven't read your story - is it your belief that infidelity only occurs in marriages in bad shape?

 

I believe that every relation starts with the people/individuals in the relation. But I have no problem with differing views.

 

That is misinterpreting my post.

 

Sofie needs to work on herself. I am sure her husband does in some ways now to deal with the pain he has gone through. And if they choose to reconcile then they need to work on the marriage, eg better communication, understanding each others needs better, appreciating each other,....but I never suggested that only the marriage needs working on.

 

My story? I was a WS so I know that infidelity can occur in marriages that are not in a really bad shape but one where one or other or both partners have not made as much effort they should for each other.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie; I've followed your story since the beginning, and I get the feeling that you regret and that you really want this to work - and I root for you.

 

I would like to point out a few troublesome things in this post.

 

I'm not quite sure why you say that you may or may not cheat again?? To me it indicates that you haven't figured out yet how to avoid it, and I know that you're searching for the reason (I would go with selfishness and lack of respect for your husband and your marriage for a start and then dig deeper).

 

If my wife told me that she don't know whether she will cheat again or not, there is absolutely no way I would consider staying with her.

 

Second; you say that you know that you're supposed to live your life with your BS. IMO, that kind of destiny-belief won't get you anywhere - it's a passive way of living your life - you're just floating with the stream. This could also be a line of thinking that got you were you ended - in an affair.

 

Just a few thoughts for you.

 

 

That’s exactly right I still haven’t figured out why I cheated. Theirs the obvious reasons like me being selfish. To say it was out of lack of respect I don’t think I would be accurate. I have always had the up most respect for my husband. I don’t me being selfish was the only reason I still have to do some soul searching to really figure out how I let this all happen.

 

For me to sit here and say I will not cheat again would be a lie not because I want to cheat or have an affair now it because I don’t trust myself. Outside I look fine. I’m working out; eating better and I feel good. Inside it’s a totally different story. So how can I expect someone to trust me if I don’t trust myself. You can’t it wouldn’t work. The best I can do is put up walls and boundaries to make sure I never put myself in a position where I could cheat.

 

As for the last part I don’t agree with. Just because I believe something should doesn’t mean will happen or it will last. I still have to go out and make sure it happens and make sure it last.

[Chi townD]

 

For me to sit here and say I will not cheat again would be a lie not because I want to cheat or have an affair now it because I don’t trust myself. Outside I look fine. I’m working out; eating better and I feel good. Inside it’s a totally different story. So how can I expect someone to trust me if I don’t trust myself. You can’t it wouldn’t work. The best I can do is put up walls and boundaries to make sure I never put myself in a position where I could cheat.

 

 

If you can't trust yourself, then why the hell are you trying to get back with him? Why don't you let the divorce go through and let him just move on?

 

See, I think you didn't have THAT moment with him. And THAT moment being for you to see the pain and hurt in his eyes. To see the person that was always the rock of your marriage be reduced to a sobbing bag of goo. Knowing that you were responsible for that.

 

His exposure to you was a very sterile, cause and affect moment. "You cheated on me, and now here are the divorce papers." Very "a matter of fact" and with little emotion as possible.

 

But, if you could see his pain and how much you tore up his soul, you would have no problem saying that you would never do ANYTHING like that to cause someone that much pain.

 

You need to figure out what you want.