Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Fluttershy]

I would venture to say the problem isn't that Sophie doesn't realize the hurt she caused it is that she lost faith in herself and hasn't forgiven herself.

 

Sophie, when you get to a place where your self respect has returned and you have forgiven yourself you will be able to say "The most attractive man in the workd came on to me and I turned him down because I want nothing to dow ho who sophie was and what she was capable".

 

When sophie forgives herself she will regain fath in herself and she will know she won't ever do such a thing again.

[Clay]

Yea I think you should wait to even have any kind of a date with your xH until you are sure about yourself.

 

You have things good now. You both talk and are some what on a friendly relationship. I would be smart and keep it at that until you get your problems worked out. I would not date anyone until you can trust yourself again.

 

 

Clay

[drifter777]

That’s exactly right I still haven’t figured out why I cheated. Theirs the obvious reasons like me being selfish. To say it was out of lack of respect I don’t think I would be accurate. I have always had the up most respect for my husband. I don’t me being selfish was the only reason I still have to do some soul searching to really figure out how I let this all happen.

The reason people cheat is really simple and straight-forward: it's fun, exciting, and it feels good. This is the reason people drink too much, gamble too much, eat too much, and so on. There's no such thing as "I can't help myself" because there's always a choice in the final analysis.

 

Honestly admitting this is really hard because we want the reason to be more complicated so we can rationalize our deviant behavior.

[Fluttershy]

The reason people cheat is really simple and straight-forward: it's fun, exciting, and it feels good. This is the reason people drink too much, gamble too much, eat too much, and so on. There's no such thing as "I can't help myself" because there's always a choice in the final analysis.

 

Honestly admitting this is really hard because we want the reason to be more complicated so we can rationalize our deviant behavior.

 

THIS 100 times over. And once again why I think one should be very careful when choosing a therapist.

 

I know a woman who had adult issues. She struggled with depression and had some mariatel problems. So she went to counseling. And cam out of counselling blaming her father because the counsellor planted the idea in her head that he had touched her inappropriately from before she could remember. And that her mother knew and covered it up. She stopped talking to her parents... Of course this is an extreme case of abuse of the system but it is a dramtic picture of the danger of trying to dig too deep.

 

Sophie could easily have cheated because she was persued, she enjoyed the excitement, the sex and danger were titelating. She never thought she would get caught but if she did, he'd forgive her.

 

It is easy for someone who has never been tempted or of a different make up to say "why would you enjoy it though". Well, that is easy, conpliments are enjoyable, sexual chemistry is enjoyable. making the choice to cheat is wrong. But it is still a choice. And one that usially involves a lot of denial and lying to ourselves.

[fallingdown2013]

That’s exactly right I still haven’t figured out why I cheated. Theirs the obvious reasons like me being selfish. To say it was out of lack of respect I don’t think I would be accurate. I have always had the up most respect for my husband. I don’t me being selfish was the only reason I still have to do some soul searching to really figure out how I let this all happen.

 

For me to sit here and say I will not cheat again would be a lie not because I want to cheat or have an affair now it because I don’t trust myself. Outside I look fine. I’m working out; eating better and I feel good. Inside it’s a totally different story. So how can I expect someone to trust me if I don’t trust myself. You can’t it wouldn’t work. The best I can do is put up walls and boundaries to make sure I never put myself in a position where I could cheat.

 

As for the last part I don’t agree with. Just because I believe something should doesn’t mean will happen or it will last. I still have to go out and make sure it happens and make sure it last.

 

Sofie, it’s tempting for a person to rationalize their bad behaviour, especially when they’ve hurt a loved one. You can examine every aspect of your marriage and still not find a “satisfying” reason for why you cheated. Even if you do find marital issues that can fixed (maybe your husband wasn’t emotional supportive enough), you still will have deal with the future stresses your marriage will encounter due to the randomness of life. Events beyond your control (e.g. the death of a family member), may depress you. At the same time, you may encounter another man who will be emotional supportive and make a pass at you. To make it worse, maybe your husband won’t be emotional supportive due to illness, or something else... who knows. You must possess the strength of character to simply not cheat again. You must be the type of spouse who’ll never betray their partner under any circumstances. You’ve seen your husband's pain. Cheating again should be inconceivable by now. You are now a person with honor, self-respect, and the strength of character to never betray her husband. Read it, believe it, and then bring happiness to your family.

[drifter777]

... You must possess the strength of character to simply not cheat again. You must be the type of spouse who’ll never betray their partner under any circumstances. You’ve seen your husband's pain. Cheating again should be inconceivable by now. You are now a person with honor, self-respect, and the strength of character to never betray her husband. Read it, believe it, and then bring happiness to your family.

I wish real life worked like this - where you can change into the person you want to be just by wishing. There is hard, hard work that has to be done to change your basic personality. Wanting to be a better person is a noble goal but, unfortunately, it takes real character and real integrity to change your life and often times these are the very traits that are lacking in a cheater. Usually the only way a cheater can truly change is by a lot of hard work with a counselor. But, like I said, most cheaters don't have courage to admit they are broken or the guts to do the work it takes to change.

[TobyBoy]

For me to sit here and say I will not cheat again would be a lie not because I want to cheat or have an affair now it because I don’t trust myself. Outside I look fine. I’m working out; eating better and I feel good. Inside it’s a totally different story. So how can I expect someone to trust me if I don’t trust myself. You can’t it wouldn’t work. The best I can do is put up walls and boundaries to make sure I never put myself in a position where I could cheat.

Then your not a good candidate for reconciliation at this point. The least you could do is to make your stbx aware of your true feelings. That would be the respectable thing to do.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It is only natural for one to doubt themselves so early in the process.

 

I think it is being brutally honest and truthful with yourself..to say..I need to learn to trust my judgement again. That is a GOOD sign. It is recognizing that the issue isn't a simple..hey I was selfish. It was a complete disregard of ones integrity.

 

IMO..the first person a WS betrays..is themselves. Everyone else is collateral damage. Betraying yourself..is hard to face, accept and repair. The enemy is YOU. How do you defend against YOU? That sir...takes time. You have to learn about yourself...how you tick..your motivations...why they exist..and how to repair that part of you.

 

Starting with strict, clear boundaries..gives one the time/distance in navigating their personal interactions until they get it all figured out.

 

Sophie..is naturally insightful...which helps tremendously.

 

I also want to add...I think Sophie is a great candidate for R..because she is aware of the scope of work required. She has no illusions about herself, the issues, the commitment...or the rewards.

Edited December 19, 2013 by AlwaysGrowing

[tiredofitall2]

Sophie, work on forgiving yourself. Talk to your IC and let them know how you feel about your own weakness. It is quite normal not to trust yourself, but remember that you do it one day at a time.

[ChooseTruth]

That’s exactly right I still haven’t figured out why I cheated. Theirs the obvious reasons like me being selfish. To say it was out of lack of respect I don’t think I would be accurate. I have always had the up most respect for my husband. I don’t me being selfish was the only reason I still have to do some soul searching to really figure out how I let this all happen.

For me to sit here and say I will not cheat again would be a lie not because I want to cheat or have an affair now it because I don’t trust myself. Outside I look fine. I’m working out; eating better and I feel good. Inside it’s a totally different story. So how can I expect someone to trust me if I don’t trust myself. You can’t it wouldn’t work. The best I can do is put up walls and boundaries to make sure I never put myself in a position where I could cheat.

 

As for the last part I don’t agree with. Just because I believe something should doesn’t mean will happen or it will last. I still have to go out and make sure it happens and make sure it last.

 

Honestly, the bolded part is why I would trust Sophie more than most at this point. We are ALL vulnerable to cheating, and those who don't see it won't take precautions and are the most vulnerable. If you think you are above anything, you are wrong. Situations might push you over the edge. The paragraph I bolded is what tells me that Sophie really gets it. After what I've been through and learned, I wouldn't marry anyone who claimed "they would never cheat, that their character was just above that". I want to hear about the *precautions* because we are all susceptible to temptation, we all desire other people and love validation...if we have a pulse anyway.

 

Congrats on your realistic nonnaive view of fidelity Sophie. I'm sorry it was such a horrible lesson, but realize you have passed into a zone many "faithful" people have yet to reach. It might only be so long before they do things they never expected. No cheater ever imagined they would cheat.

Edited December 19, 2013 by ChooseTruth

[atreides]

Here is the way I see it, Sophie is still picking up the pieces and is doing all the right things in trying to reconcile with her H and herself. She has everyone giving opinions, including myself and frankly she is just started down the path of R and on the way, it must feel like walking on glass some days while walking on eggshells the next.

So she does not have solid ground now... but that does not mean she cannot R. I mean those that say she needs to let go... huh? R is about reconciling with yourself and your spouse, it may work out it may not, but to imply she cannot walk down that road is nonsense.

People get caught up in the "can" vs "will" argument and cause confusion. Everyone "can" cheat but not everyone "will" cheat. Sophie is playing it safe with her comments, she wants to be totally transparent. When she finds herself on solid ground, she will have a better understanding.

The issue here is however that she may be looking too deep at this point, the answer is not always going to be some deep complex revelation but can in fact be as simple as lust, the rush and selfishness. She has to be comfortable in accepting whatever reason she finds and will be much closer to R for herself. As for R with her H, he also plays a part and is responding well so far, but it is his decision to make and Sophie is hiding nothing. So long as she stays transparent, her H will know exactly where they stand on the path and they can walk it together.

[FrankieFrank]

That’s exactly right I still haven’t figured out why I cheated. Theirs the obvious reasons like me being selfish. To say it was out of lack of respect I don’t think I would be accurate. I have always had the up most respect for my husband. I don’t me being selfish was the only reason I still have to do some soul searching to really figure out how I let this all happen.

No, you didn't respect husband at least during time of affair. You didn't account his feelings while you were busy with another man and that certainly sounds like lack of respect to me. You might have respected him before, and you might have found respect for him later on, but then you certainly didn't have it for the duration of your trysts.

 

And line of thinking "Oh, he already had an affair, so he should forgive me my one" (as you previously said that him having an affair before made you think that it would be easier for him to forgive should he find out. And do I remember correctly that you assumed he wouldn't find out?) doesn't sound amazingly respectful either.

Edited December 19, 2013 by FrankieFrank

[Oberfeldwebel]

Sofie, I believe you need to chill a little over this a bit. Take a few days, step back from the edge and don't read, don't post, just enjoy the holiday as best you can. Let your husband be who he is and you need to just be who you are for a few days. There will be plenty of time to stress and read all the posts and respond. Best Wishes.

[aliveagain]

Sofie, You have been married to your husband for 12 years, you have 7 year old twins. You have a 6 month affair with a friends husband, a friend you work with, you also work in the same department as O/M. You said the closer you got to O/M the less sex you had with your husband. You also said that you never intended to leave your husband for O/M that you never thought that you and O/M would ever be together. You said that your husband asked you if you loved O/M more than him and on one of your post's you say you never loved O/M more than your husband, but you didn't deny loving him. In another post you say "you gave up everything for a few sex sessions with a man that isn't half the man your married to."

 

You never believed your husband would leave you, you thought you had a get out of jail because of your husbands infidelity early in your relationship, I can't recall if you were married to him at the time. When I read all your post's I get a feeling of entitlement, you have no respect for boundaries, friendship's or work ethics, you sh*t on all of them. Just when I read something hopeful about you and your husband you post about not trusting yourself enough to not cheat again, what are you doing? If you can't put enough stops in place to guarantee your husband and children a life with fidelity than don't put them through it again. Go work on yourself because you need to be able to give your bond in a relationship, your word is your bond and if you question it how can you expect others to believe you? Your word has to be true and believable.

[drifter777]

Sofie, You have been married to your husband for 12 years, you have 7 year old twins. You have a 6 month affair with a friends husband, a friend you work with, you also work in the same department as O/M. You said the closer you got to O/M the less sex you had with your husband. You also said that you never intended to leave your husband for O/M that you never thought that you and O/M would ever be together. You said that your husband asked you if you loved O/M more than him and on one of your post's you say you never loved O/M more than your husband, but you didn't deny loving him. In another post you say "you gave up everything for a few sex sessions with a man that isn't half the man your married to."

 

You never believed your husband would leave you, you thought you had a get out of jail because of your husbands infidelity early in your relationship, I can't recall if you were married to him at the time. When I read all your post's I get a feeling of entitlement, you have no respect for boundaries, friendship's or work ethics, you sh*t on all of them. Just when I read something hopeful about you and your husband you post about not trusting yourself enough to not cheat again, what are you doing? If you can't put enough stops in place to guarantee your husband and children a life with fidelity than don't put them through it again. Go work on yourself because you need to be able to give your bond in a relationship, your word is your bond and if you question it how can you expect others to believe you? Your word has to be true and believable.

Yes, all of this.

 

I do respect that Sophie is being honest with herself about her feelings about the future. I'm not sure she understands that her fundamental personality is not consistent with fidelity as her need to be desired, pursued, even worshiped is stronger than her need for her H and married life. I believe she is sincere with her current intentions, but as has been said many times: "the road to hell is paved with good intentions".

 

Sophie: you need to work with a counselor to try to fix what's broken in you. It's true that all women have a basic need to be desired - and that's natural. But when this becomes the only way to feed your ego and the lack of being pursued equates to "I'm worthless" you need to find out what's wrong with you and work to fix it. You will never be truly happy if you can only find personal validation through the lustful eyes of another man. It's not real admiration, it never lasts, and a time will come as you age that it will be impossible to get enough of it to satisfy you.

[Sofie2013]

I would venture to say the problem isn't that Sophie doesn't realize the hurt she caused it is that she lost faith in herself and hasn't forgiven herself.

 

Sophie, when you get to a place where your self respect has returned and you have forgiven yourself you will be able to say "The most attractive man in the workd came on to me and I turned him down because I want nothing to dow ho who sophie was and what she was capable".

 

When sophie forgives herself she will regain fath in herself and she will know she won't ever do such a thing again.

 

 

This is what I was getting at. I probably should have explained myself better. The fact I hurt him and children way I did play a big part why I feel like I can’t trust myself right now. It’s hard to explain but I was able to cause them so much pain without even thinking about like it. It’s hard to warp head around. Thiers an inner conflict where you don’t want to believe you did what you did but yet it’s right there in your face. Every time I wake up, go bed and he’s not there I see it. When I look at my kids I see it. Then you start yourself how and why. When you aren’t able to answer those questions you start to doubt yourself. The more you dig trying to find those answer and you aren’t able to resolve them or find the answer want you being to doubt yourself the much more to the point you don’t even recognize you who are. I know how I want to be but how I can become that person when I don’t even know who I am now.

[Sofie2013]

Yea I think you should wait to even have any kind of a date with your xH until you are sure about yourself.

 

You have things good now. You both talk and are some what on a friendly relationship. I would be smart and keep it at that until you get your problems worked out. I would not date anyone until you can trust yourself again.

 

 

Clay

 

Maybe you’re but I really don’t have a choice. I tell him I’m not ready then he could take that the wrong way.

 

Think a lot of you guys are reading too much into this date. He hasn’t made any kind of commitment or anything like that. For the most part he only goes because it looks bad on his part.

[Clay]

Well go as friends. Go with a smile. Keep working on you. You have came so far:)

 

Clay

[Sofie2013]

Wondering if H is doubting if she's built for monogamy? Just keep asking myself what would be the win for a highly paid attorney to return, especially if he has been blamed for the affair? Apart from the obvious, kids. I would wager highly that this is not the first time, he has suspected her and I am not a sporting man.

 

Why would H invite Sophie to Christmas dinner? If I didn't trust Sophie I'd have to doubt this whole story, fortunately I do.

 

 

SO since I cheated once it mean I will always cheat. Going of that logical than half of us aren’t built for monogamy. Since almost people have cheated already. Please tell me where I said my husband was coming back because as far as I know it’s only a date nothing else.

 

Also never said once on her I blame my husband for my affair, I have said it might of have led to some resentment. Which if you ask so must it is a valid point. That is no way, shape or form blaming him for what I did. If you think for a minute what he did didn’t hurt. Then you are very wrong. He was the first person I loved, one I gave my first kiss, my virginity and then he cheats and leaves me. You could argue all you want about it not being the same or whatever and just for your info I never said it was. That’s still does not change the fact I was still hurt by it.

Edited December 19, 2013 by Sofie2013

[Fluttershy]

No sophie, you are not a seriel cheater. This behaviour doesn't have to define you. And don't let anyone's labels stick to you because of it. Yes, you cheated, you regret it (and not the loss of the affair but the affair itself which is a BIG thing). You can make better choices after this. It is when people screw up and throw their hands in the air and say "this is who I am" that they never change. Or if they subscribe to the belief that no one changes or that you always were a cheater waiting for an oppurtunity. Don't be put in those boxes.

 

It is okay to accept the fact that you cheated because it felt good and you didn't think you'd get caught. It doesn't have to be anything deeper. You let yourself go down a slippery slope. Next time I am sure you will stay away from that slope.

 

Even if people on here push for some deeper explanatation doesn't mean you have to find one. It is really just their opinion and the danger of looking for something deeper when there is nothing is you will start making things up. I still say keep up the good work.

[Clay]

Sofie do you think this may have been a set up? Two women come to mind, one in particular wasn't touched by her husband for 3 months. Husband started telling her that she needs to spend more time with her girlfriends and to get of the house more often? Go ahead and use the credit card and purchase a new ward robe, now he's sending her out to the clubs. HAVE FUN!

 

What she didn't know was that H had friends in there watching, it took some time but eventually she let her guard down and danced with another man on the dance floor to the hotel room. He caught her and divorced her, to this day they go out with their daughter to different places but never do anything romantic. He did get rid of her w/out looking like the bad guy.

 

Another woman was sent to the strip joint by H with her gf's again H had someone observing her and the moment that she touched one the strippers photos were taken and used against her in a divorce settlement, H walked away looking like the good guy.

 

Two things that bother me and they are the following.

 

1. Common place that once a man moves up in salary he replaces his wife for someone younger. You speak Spanish Sofie there's saying in Spanish "LA NOVIA DEL ESTUDIANTE NO ES LA ESPOSA DEL PROFESIONISTA" in English " The girlfriend of the student will never be the wife of the professional!"

 

2. MAS SABE ES DIABLO POR VIEJO QUE POR DIABLO English translation the Devil is more intelligent from experience than from being the Devil. H obviously doesn't want to confront you it started in the hotel room back in Florida. You think had he wanted you there wouldn't have been a fight. I am told that when a spouse doesn't want his spouse he couldn't give a damn if she cheats and being an attorney its to his advantage to not react.

 

Have you followed her whole thread? I mean seriously did I miss something. I have been cheated on by three different women in my life and I do not see Sofie as being that kind of a person.

 

Clay

[Clay]

Money seriously has nothing to do with it. It all depends on the person that did the wrong. Most people come to this site with there head in the fog. Sofie has worked hard on everything she has to this point in time. She does not display any characteristics that others might display. The thing that is most clear to me is she never moved on to another man. She has stayed single by her choice.

This is profound to me. She has spent every day working on rebuilding herself and taking care of her kids.

 

These are her actions. Those are the things I think reflect on the kind of person she is.

 

Clay

[Fluttershy]

Yes I been following the thread from the very first posting! Are you wealthy Clay? All my friends are upper class and this is a common, IC told me that he thinks that its every mans wish to leave their spouse and whether you agree with him or not its something to think about. This psychologist is nationally known for his research into infidelity.

 

Lastly Clay I never accused Sofie of deliberate infidelity please review my thread for I am suggesting the opposite?

 

You are a strange, strange little man. Lol.

 

Also, any psycholigist that uses an absolute like that is not worth beans.

[ChooseTruth]

Have you followed her whole thread? I mean seriously did I miss something. I have been cheated on by three different women in my life and I do not see Sofie as being that kind of a person.

 

Clay

I don't think he's talking about Sophie. He's talking about her H, saying he's a "devil" him self and that he set her up.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie do you think this may have been a set up? Two women come to mind, one in particular wasn't touched by her husband for 3 months. Husband started telling her that she needs to spend more time with her girlfriends and to get of the house more often? Go ahead and use the credit card and purchase a new ward robe, now he's sending her out to the clubs. HAVE FUN!

 

What she didn't know was that H had friends in there watching, it took some time but eventually she let her guard down and danced with another man on the dance floor to the hotel room. He caught her and divorced her, to this day they go out with their daughter to different places but never do anything romantic. He did get rid of her w/out looking like the bad guy.

 

Another woman was sent to the strip joint by H with her gf's again H had someone observing her and the moment that she touched one the strippers photos were taken and used against her in a divorce settlement, H walked away looking like the good guy.

 

Two things that bother me and they are the following.

 

1. Common place that once a man moves up in salary he replaces his wife for someone younger. You speak Spanish Sofie there's saying in Spanish "LA NOVIA DEL ESTUDIANTE NO ES LA ESPOSA DEL PROFESIONISTA" in English " The girlfriend of the student will never be the wife of the professional!"

 

2. MAS SABE ES DIABLO POR VIEJO QUE POR DIABLO English translation the Devil is more intelligent from experience than from being the Devil. H obviously doesn't want to confront you it started in the hotel room back in Florida. You think had he wanted you there wouldn't have been a fight. I am told that when a spouse doesn't want his spouse he couldn't give a damn if she cheats and being an attorney its to his advantage to not react.

 

Both are Spanish sayings (Dicho) but first one is supposed to be “La que es novia del estudiante no sera la esposa del professional” both mean the same thing. I guess depending who told and where there you could have gotten that. They are some many different versions of Spanish now. Although never heard of the second one but I think you meant “Mas sabe el diablo por viejo que por diablo” the way you said it didn’t make that much sense.

 

To answer the question I don’t think I was set up in any way and besides my husband is still young. He’s in this 30’s like me. My husband likes independent women. I know that for a fact.

 

Oh yeah the reason he doesn’t like go to those events is because they bore him.

Edited December 19, 2013 by Sofie2013