Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Sofie2013]

Are you and the other guy latin as well? And wait your husband cheated on you early in the relationship?

 

No I’m Spanish/French. My EXOM is American. Yes my husband did cheat on me when we were dating phase of our relationship

[tiredofitall2]

I don’t know about the other thread but as far I as I know my husband doesn’t have a girlfriends and if he does, he hasn’t said anything to me about it. I also never said I will cheat again. What I said was I don’t trust myself not to cheat again. Something broken in me and I find to what that is. And whatever my husband does with any women is none of my business now since we are separated and heading to a divorce. So whatever he does I don’t want to know about.

 

Any additional improvements? I hope there is more progress to report and there is no final divorce.

[Sofie2013]

I also believe it's a husbands pride and ego that don't let him reconcile. So much of a mans whole being is measured by him as a sexual man. If a woman has totally great sex and orgasms many times, the man will feel like he is the king of the world. Like he is the best man in the world, and nothing can shake his confidence in that moment. He is the most masculine and ready to do anything, completely confident.

 

This is why when his woman chooses to have sex with a other man, the exact opposite of all I said above rings true. Even for those of us who are very confident and get a lot of female attention, still get knocked lower than we have ever been when this happens.

 

This is why so many men get hurt so badly by the physical aspect of the affair, it rocks a man to the very core of his being. It makes him question all things about himself. It's very common for the man to think there must be something wrong with him, that's why his lady had to go elsewhere.

 

So I believe your husband is doing most of this because of his pride.

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Thank you for writing this. It made see the whole sex aspect of my affair ever differently. I always knew the physical aspect of the affair caused my husband great pain but I never thought about like this before and it makes sense. I think us women know how important sex is to a man but I don’t think we fully understand just how important it is to a man. I do believe my husband and ego haven’t taken a much bigger hit then I thought at first.

 

My husband is really confident and is still very attractive. He does attract attention for other females I seen it happen a lot of times when we go out. For the most part he could pick up any women wants. I thought because of all that. That the physical part wouldn’t affect him that much but now I see that might not be the case and it probably hit him even harder than I thought

[Sofie2013]

I have been thinking that for me, my ex coming onto me very hard is very ego rebuilding. Her whispering in my ear that she wants me so bad, that she has got to have me, etc etc almost never fails to end us up in bed together and I can tell you that as a man it goes way better than the woman playing coy and shy and not taking charge of trying to seduce her man. This is because I, as a man having been wronged, will feel even more weak if I have to pursue the same woman who wronged me, who chose to give herself to anther man. But if she pursues me hard, and really wants me, it helps to repair the damage.

 

 

I only say all this because most women won't pursue their man hard. They play it coy, and shy, and often a man doesn't even feel wanted. It seems as though the women just allowed it to happen. And this is damaging for power dynamic aspect of sex for a man.

 

Ask almost any man and he will prefer if a women was coming onto him hard than having to chase her. Especially if he is already in a relationship with her. He needs to feel like she wants him as a man. As a purely sexual man.

 

Wow.......not sure how all that came out when I started this post just to tell Sophie that I as bh, and always hoping for good news in her story. Maybe I just thought fear of reprisal has kept me from saying what I believe on here a lot of times, and I think Sophie is worth hearing what I believe would help her situation. I know men.....I talk with so many of them on the levels of being a man and sexuality and I hear a very common themes from almost all of them......sometimes I wish woman were as easy to figure out and please as a man is.

 

 

This part I find very interesting. I am for the some part little shy. I in no way I have been playing hard to get but I also haven’t been chasing him when it comes to sex. It’s not that I don’t want him because I do. I didn’t want to be too aggressive and forward think he could read it as me trying to win him back with sex and give him the wrong idea. I have been waiting for him to make the first move. Now is see he’s probably more scared of looking weak and is maybe waiting for me to make a move. It might be time I start chasing and pursing him in a more physical way then before and show him that I do want him.

 

 

Thanks again for your post its making me see things differently and in a new light.

[tiredofitall2]

This part I find very interesting. I am for the some part little shy. I in no way I have been playing hard to get but I also haven’t been chasing him when it comes to sex. It’s not that I don’t want him because I do. I didn’t want to be too aggressive and forward think he could read it as me trying to win him back with sex and give him the wrong idea. I have been waiting for him to make the first move. Now is see he’s probably more scared of looking weak and is maybe waiting for me to make a move. It might be time I start chasing and pursing him in a more physical way then before and show him that I do want him.

 

 

Thanks again for your post its making me see things differently and in a new light.

 

 

Lokahi117 is dead on.

 

Try some subliminal way of doing it. You can tell him you had a dream with him ad how you felt in that sensual dream or something similar. Depending on his reaction then you can be more aggressive ad assertive.

[peruano99]

I don't know. This case can go either way. No way to tell.

[peruano99]

BTW Sophie what will you tell your kids when they grow up and they ask you about it?

[Sofie2013]

Any additional improvements? I hope there is more progress to report and there is no final divorce.

 

Not really my husband really didn’t spend Christmas eve with us. On Christmas eve he came in said hello to everyone and my mother fixed him a plate of food for him and his brother then left. Christmas day he came back with his brother with presents for the kids, me and some other member of my family. He spent of Christmas day with me and my family. It was all around a good Christmas.

 

The divorce is still going through and should be final next sometime next month.

[fallingdown2013]

I don’t know about the other thread but as far I as I know my husband doesn’t have a girlfriends and if he does, he hasn’t said anything to me about it. I also never said I will cheat again. What I said was I don’t trust myself not to cheat again. Something broken in me and I find to what that is. And whatever my husband does with any women is none of my business now since we are separated and heading to a divorce. So whatever he does I don’t want to know about.

It’s selfish to reconcile with your husband when you don’t even trust yourself not to cheat again. I mean it’s just as selfish as the affair itself! Why do you feel that something is broken inside of you? I think you want to find something broken inside of you so you can then point to something that triggered the affair, other than your selfishness. I can’t stand terms like “affair fog”. Fog? It's like some people want to talk about the weather... like the London fog. It’s just another clever way to avoid taking full responsibility for one’s actions. Instead of saying, “I was selfish and that’s it”, you can now say, “I was selfish, but then I got trapped by the affair fog, and then I was no longer completely responsible for my actions”. There’s probably nothing broken inside of you, but it’s your life and you can spend as much mental energy as you want on personal reflection.

 

If you do try to chase your husband, then I wouldn’t pay too much stock in his initial response. He may reject you hard, but you must have the backbone to accept it and try again. On the other hand, he may respond positively, have sex with you, and then make no effort to move home. Personally, I think you must stay the course and keep trying. Being shy isn’t an option.

[Bryanp]

I think that on many levels that this is such a sad thread. Sofie threw everything away that she held close and important to her on absolutely nothing. If only there was a time machine.

[samsungxoxo]

I think that on many levels that this is such a sad thread. Sofie threw everything away that she held close and important to her on absolutely nothing. If only there was a time machine.

The old saying ''You don't know what you had until you lose it'' can be applied here.

[peruano99]

Did Sophie say why she had this affair? Was her husband not paying enough attention to her? Some women say because her partner doesn't give her enough time, affection, etc.

[Sofie2013]

BTW Sophie what will you tell your kids when they grow up and they ask you about it?

 

As of now we both agreed, if my sons ask in the future why we had a divorce then I would be the one to tell them the truth.

[Sofie2013]

Did Sophie say why she had this affair? Was her husband not paying enough attention to her? Some women say because her partner doesn't give her enough time, affection, etc.

 

No I haven’t figured out why, still trying to figure that one out. I don’t know if it was just one reason why I think in case there’s a lot of little thing that played a part in what lead to my affair

[tiredofitall2]

No I haven’t figured out why, still trying to figure that one out. I don’t know if it was just one reason why I think in case there’s a lot of little thing that played a part in what lead to my affair

 

It's the snow ball effect, it starts innocent enough and one does not now when to recognize the danger. One must get out before it escalates, but typically it is too late.

[Sofie2013]

It’s selfish to reconcile with your husband when you don’t even trust yourself not to cheat again. I mean it’s just as selfish as the affair itself! Why do you feel that something is broken inside of you? I think you want to find something broken inside of you so you can then point to something that triggered the affair, other than your selfishness. I can’t stand terms like “affair fog”. Fog? It's like some people want to talk about the weather... like the London fog. It’s just another clever way to avoid taking full responsibility for one’s actions. Instead of saying, “I was selfish and that’s it”, you can now say, “I was selfish, but then I got trapped by the affair fog, and then I was no longer completely responsible for my actions”. There’s probably nothing broken inside of you, but it’s your life and you can spend as much mental energy as you want on personal reflection.

 

Look I already answered to a similar post before. As of this every moment I don’t trust myself at all. The best I can do is make strong wall and boundaries in place to make cheat almost impossible .I have to learn to be able to place myself in situations where cheating can’t happen.

 

Even if there’s nothing broken inside me then why I was able to be so selfish. No normal thinking person would risk everything and continue to risk it all for a few nice text and sex. Everything I got from the Exmm I could have gotten from my husband yet I never asked him too.

[Allumere]

I haven't read all the post (sleep) but you are right to question yourself and step back and figure everything out. In addition to maybe talking to a professional there is a website that may be helpful call Surviving Infidelity. There is a section for spouses that had affairs. My ex had several (he was bipolar and un-medicated) so I found reading conversations by those that had affairs, whether reconciling or not was useful in understanding some of the "whys". It would be a non-confrontational place to start.

[Lokahi117]

This part I find very interesting. I am for the some part little shy. I in no way I have been playing hard to get but I also haven’t been chasing him when it comes to sex. It’s not that I don’t want him because I do. I didn’t want to be too aggressive and forward think he could read it as me trying to win him back with sex and give him the wrong idea. I have been waiting for him to make the first move. Now is see he’s probably more scared of looking weak and is maybe waiting for me to make a move. It might be time I start chasing and pursing him in a more physical way then before and show him that I do want him.

 

 

Thanks again for your post its making me see things differently and in a new light.

 

This is exactly true. You may not always be ending up together in the bed but if you time it right, when the kids are already asleep, etc then I believe it will happen more often than not. And you absolutely won't be worse off for trying. On the other hand, if you don't try, then you could very well end up where his little burning embers for you die out.

 

It's been 2 1/2 years and my ex still seduces me hard every time I come around. And she has abstained from even talking with any other guys and says she will wait for me always because she is the one who destroyed us.

 

I have to tell you, that as a result I've avoided getting serious with any of the three other girls I'm seeing because I my heart I keep going back to my ex. The hurt is still there and the other women help me to reclaim my feeling like a man that my wife cut out, but every time we end up in bed, I can lay there with her for a bit and just act as though none of this ever happened to us. Like it was a bad dream. And I think that the sex ties me back into her each time so much so, that I am moving my ex over here to be near her and the kids. (I work in North Dakota)

 

For the man, the biggest pains are the sex, and the loyalty aspect. The most ultimate disrespect that one man can do to another man: it's not kicking his ass, it's not making him look small or embarrassing him in front of others, it's bedding his women. It's very primal, but I've talked to dozens of men here in NoDak, and they all feel the same about their ladies cheating. It's the physical aspect and the loyalty that tears them up most. Choosing any other man over your man in any way is pretty devastating to him.

 

Most men wouldn't even want you getting a massage from a professional masseuse if it's a man. Because to them, on some primal level, that man is giving his woman physical pleasure and he's doing better than he can.

 

I think I once got mad at my wife and I couldn't understand why it bothered me so much at the time. But she allowed my boorish dum***** of a former brother I law (my sisters ex) to do the BBQ at my home on my new grill, because she thought I was taking too long. And the fact that she sided with him when I went to regain my christening of my new BBQ, and that she did it in front of a large group of my family not only angered me, but i felt betrayed.

 

Men have needs, just like women have needs. Only often our needs are overlooked, because we want to pretend that the recent development in the western world of men and women being the same......notice I didn't say equal, because I believe we are equal, but different. And I just realized I'm officially rambling now, so I'll leave it at that.

 

But Sophie I have a very good article, written by man about the way men see women that are wives to another as a particular type of sexual conquest. It's not for the faint of heart, but every bh I've given it to has said it rings very true for how he feels. And it can help to understand because then you can seek to undo that damage to his very primal core ( that most men cant even separate or understand about why they feel the way they do about their woman cheating). Pm if your interested or if you need anything from me. Hoping your feeling okay - Loki

[CantgetoveritNY]

But Sophie I have a very good article, written by man about the way men see women that are wives to another as a particular type of sexual conquest. It's not for the faint of heart, but every bh I've given it to has said it rings very true for how he feels. And it can help to understand because then you can seek to undo that damage to his very primal core ( that most men cant even separate or understand about why they feel the way they do about their woman cheating). Pm if your interested or if you need anything from me. Hoping your feeling okay - Loki

 

 

I tried to PM you and it said you can't get PM. Can you post a link to the article?

[Lokahi117]

I remedied the private message situation. I can't pay a link to it as it would cause a lot of triggering I'm sure and I am here to help not harm. however I know it helps me to fully understand the nature of the other man.....and a bit of men's nature over all, and this article helps a lot with that. but it's written by not only an unrepentant other man, but a another man who specifically targets married women. from a very primal alpha type standpoint. our rather a corrupted strictly biological alpha stand point.

 

so pm again, and I'll share it with you, so long as I have your word you won't publish it publicly on the forum.

[sidney2718]

Sophie: I hope your Christmas and New Year's were OK. It has been a while since we've heard from you. I trust everything is all right?

[Raven3321]

Sophie,

 

I hope things are going well for you. Let us know. We're still rooting for you.

[Spectre]

Wait hold on Sophie..did your husband actually take you back now? No offense, but tell me he didn't. Tell me that if he ever tried to you would shut him down because you have realized you aren't the right woman for him. Since it is so very rare for the cheater to realize their spouse deserves better even if the spouse stupidly does not. It would give me a lot of hope for the future.

[Fluttershy]

Wait hold on Sophie..did your husband actually take you back now? No offense, but tell me he didn't. Tell me that if he ever tried to you would shut him down because you have realized you aren't the right woman for him. Since it is so very rare for the cheater to realize their spouse deserves better even if the spouse stupidly does not. It would give me a lot of hope for the future.

 

In my experience when a person says "no offense" they OFTEN mean exactly that.

[MidwestUSA]

In my experience when a person says "no offense" they OFTEN mean exactly that.

 

Or, 'I mean no disrespect, but'. Look out, here comes disrespect!