Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[OpheliaSong]

Many people have great connections without having to be in a "relationship". And referring to such an arrangement has being a "side piece" is inaccurate and demeaning. This is two adult human beings, and they can decide for themselves what their relationship should be or look like. And you may consider asking Sophie how she feels about something before you just cast about your statements and assumptions drenched in judgement.

 

Saying " you don't want to be fifty, and still a side piece for an angry man who gets to screw you" makes several leaping assumptions. How do you know her husband would be just some "angry man" using her for sex? And how do you know that Sophie wouldn't accept being a part of her husbands life in some way to be better than not involved at all? These are personal choices that vary from person to person, neither one more right or wrong than the other. And your description of it as "screwing", while classy, also falls far short of accurately summing up many human relationships that exist outside the confines of a strictly defined relationship.

 

Condescending much? We are all making assumptions about a lot of things here including you. How do you know that this man isn't using her just for sex so he can feel revenge for her behavior? You don't. This is a forum where everyone gets to express their thoughts and viewpoints so trying to chastise me for expressing concern over her feelings in the long run is silly. I am on Sophie's side. I am just pointing out that she needs to have a plan for herself if it doesn't work out that her husband wants to reconcile. She does want a relationship and her marriage to be reinstated so how long does she continue? Indefinitely or does she give herself a healthy timeline so she won't be stuck in a situation where she begs for each little morsel of attention until she is a shell of herself. We have no idea what her husband is thinking so she needs to think outside of her own focus so she won't be hurt over and over again. I wasn't judging but being realistic. She asked for thoughts and I gave her mine. Everything else has been covered since this is a long thread.

Edited January 25, 2014 by OpheliaSong

[janedoe67]

We are all making assumptions about a lot of things here including you. How do you know that this man isn't using her just for sex so he can feel revenge for her behavior? You don't. This is a forum where everyone gets to express their thoughts and viewpoints so trying to chastise me for expressing concern over her feelings in the long run is silly. I am on Sophie's side. I am just pointing out that she needs to have a plan for herself if it doesn't work out that her husband wants to reconcile. She does want a relationship and her marriage to be reinstated so how long does she continue? Indefinitely or does she give herself a healthy timeline so she won't be stuck in a situation where she begs for each little morsel of attention until she is a shell of herself. We have no idea what her husband is thinking so she needs to think outside of her own focus so she won't be hurt over and over again. I wasn't judging but being realistic. She asked for thoughts and I gave her mine. Everything else has been covered since this is a long thread.

 

As a FWW I appreciate your perspective. I know what it is to want desperately for things to work. I also know what it is to believe that you have so ruined yourself by having an A that you will forever only deserve crumbs because you are tainted. Regardless of what the bitter may think, that is NOT healthy. I hope Sophie and her h reconcile, but I also hope it is REAL reconciliation for BOTH of them.

[miguelcervantes]

I actually believe that it will be Sophie's husband that might be sorry he did not give her a second chance when he is 50 - she did something really wrong and has done everything to show her remorse and also show her love for him. As others have said she has a level head on her shoulders and it appears that the two of them love each other very much. So if this does not work out it might be the two of them that are sorry in time.

[aliveagain]

It's not over until it's over. Sofie, you just crossed a major hurdle and he still got to save face because he rejected your initial advances, you went to his room, he didn't come to yours. This was way more than just sex, he kept you with him all night and you made love again in the morning. His aggressive nature in bed was him re-staking his territory, he wiped the other man's scent off of you(this is huge). The reason he went quiet is he's battling what he knows is the right thing to do to save his family with what he thinks others expect him to do to save face. Don't give up, give him space if he needs it but continue to let him know your all in for him and the marriage. I think his brother may be your Allie.

[Fluttershy]

I do not exactly feel this is accurate. Having a "level head" on your shoulders and being truly sorry for what you did does not actually change the fact you betrayed your spouse in the worst way imaginable. I feel like the husband might have some "what if's" but he will also probably ultimately feel he made the best decision by giving himself the chance to find someone who truly 100% values him. In other words I am sure there might be times he is sorry/regretful, but most of the time he will indeed see what he did was for the best for himself. It can sometimes be very hard for a person to admit they deserve better.

 

It is about perspective really. I am not a self entitled person so I don't get off on the whole "I deserve" bit.

 

But i know I have the power to say what I will and will not accept. And I will not accept cheating. No way. Fidelity is important to me and I don't share my husband's body or mind. I don't "deserve" better than him. If I felt that way I would think I was better than him but i don't. During his A I was being te better person... But his willingness to change and be a good husband to me means that right now he is a good person. I could feel superiour and cast him out and hope for a "better" man who won't cheat on me. I might get one too. But he may not be as attentive, communicative or "get-me". He will have his own issues that I will have to adjust to. And he won't really be "better" than what I have now. A forgiven husband.

 

Sophie's husband could chase women and hope he finds "better" but he may not find it. He may find a "better" fit but by saying he "deserves better than her" you are condemning her to a second class citizan wth no point to redemption because forever and for alwas she won't ever be "better". I find when people say that they are being extrememly arrogent.

 

Sophie's husband, should he choose not to reconcile, can do so. And it should be because he knows her betrayal is not something he wants to work past. It shouldn't be so that she is "punished" or "he deserves better than her" (the now her). The first is cutting of your nose to spite your face. Giving up foriveness and second chances for the woman who was with you thru some pretty rough patches. Denying your kids a whole family just to teach lesson... Ouch. If it is the second... He may find "better" isn't really better afterall.

[sidney2718]

Sophie was my last hope that people could either support a WS who really WAS remorseful and trying or at least stay the hell away. Because she really is trying.

 

BTW in the Bible "the Man" who is beheld is the same man sho showed compassion to the woman at the well and the adulterous woman.

 

Isn't that the definition of irony? Really...no?

 

I think most folks are. The problem is that there are always some with other opinions. That's fine. We need that. Another problem (true of all long threads) is that folks wander in here and have not read the entire thread. As a result they've missed all sorts of things and get other things quite wrong.

 

A few here quote the bible selectively. Around here I hear biblical admonitions on adultery and very little about biblical admonitions to forgive.

[janedoe67]

I think most folks are. The problem is that there are always some with other opinions. That's fine. We need that. Another problem (true of all long threads) is that folks wander in here and have not read the entire thread. As a result they've missed all sorts of things and get other things quite wrong.

 

A few here quote the bible selectively. Around here I hear biblical admonitions on adultery and very little about biblical admonitions to forgive.

 

A freaking men

[Sofie2013]

Sorry for taking so long to respond. I have been busy talking care of the kids both of them are sick.

 

Look guys I never thought having sex with my husband was going to change anything. I never saw sex as the magic answers to all our problems. I already knew what we did the other night might not mean anything to my husband and I was ok with that. I will be the first one to tell you what we did the other night in the long run probably won’t mean anything to him but just another one of the many nights we had sex. Even if I didn’t mean much to him it meant a lot me in a lot ways. Even if he was just using me for sex I’m ok with that I guess I used him in similar way too.

 

I don’t know if us having sex is any progress. I guess you could say it is. He could have turned me down and told me get out but he didn’t. I also think he was happy it happened and he wanted it to. Deep down I do think he still loves me and that night proved that to me. Just the way he looked at me and held me. Whatever his reason where for accepting my advances it’s given me a confidence that I can win him back.

[peruano99]

Sophie I don't remember if you said the reason you cheated on him. Was he not there for you, was he not good in bed before, or what?

[janedoe67]

Sophie I don't remember if you said the reason you cheated on him. Was he not there for you, was he not good in bed before, or what?

 

Read the thread.

[Fluttershy]

Sophie I don't remember if you said the reason you cheated on him. Was he not there for you, was he not good in bed before, or what?

 

What I do is I skim long posts and read just the posts by the OP on really lon threads.

[georgia girl]

Sophie,

 

First, I want you to know that I am really, really rooting for you. I hope for you that you and your husband reconcile.

 

Having said that, I'll offer some insight and you can take it for whatever it's worth.

 

First, I am a bit afraid that you are burying the reasons why you had an affair in your effort to get him back. To me, you seem like a driven, focused lady. I would guess that when you were in college and you met your husband, you both had dreams and your dreams not just included your own professional success, but also him as well? And then, those dreams come along. You get this wonderful man, you marry him and you have two boys. Personal dreams tend to get pushed aside a bit. You are somebody's wife and somebody's mom - and these little boys need you so much. That's very fulfilling. You're still an engaged partner with your spouse and you're in touch with that part of his professional world that you share in his successes. Then, the boys get older and they start having successes - first days of school, little sports teams, etc. - and you get focused with them. At some point on, you realize that you've become a caretaker. A happy caretaker, but being the successful driven lady you appear to be, you've already mastered being a great wife and mother. What challenges are left for you? That can lead to a lonely place and perhaps a place where the affair crept in?

 

I ask this not because I'm any sort of expert on your relationship or relationships at all, for that matter, but because I wonder if the fight for your marriage has restored some of your drive and focus, given you something to work for. But, when it is restored, will it be enough again? My concern is that if you suppress too much what you may personally need to fix your family and your marriage, that in the end, you may still be somewhat dissatisfied and have pigeon-holed yourself to accept this state of affairs for the rest of your life. After all, you had an affair and were able to once restore your marriage. Why should you, Sophie, deserve any more? (I'm not saying that I agree with that, but that it can be a thought process you're having.)

 

The second point I'd make relates to the first. What if you revisited those dreams that young Sophie had? Some professional or personal desire? And, just a little bit, pursued that as well?

 

My guess would be that it would help assuage some of the emptiness that may have led to the affair but also revitalize you for yourself and in the eyes of your husband. Think about the woman he fell in love with. My guess was that she had pizazz, she had dreams and she had a lot of love to give. He still knows that you have a love of love to give and you're reminding him of your pizazz. But what if you also had a dream you were willing to pursue? Would that excite him about you? Make you more desirable? Make you just a little bit of a challenge? Might he think, "Yes, she loves me, yes she wants me back, but she also is pursuing this? I may have to share her a little bit with her dreams and that's okay. I can always get her attention." He's back to chasing you a bit, in this scenario. Yes, you're chasing him and he needs that. But he needs to chase you, too - for both of your sakes.

 

Finally, if the worst does happen and I truly hope it doesn't, Sophie who is pursuing a dream also had a distraction to help her heal. It could be a distraction that also has professional/financial rewards.

 

Good luck, Sophie. I hope that you and your family heal - and grow - together.

[miguelcervantes]

Sophie, how are things going? Did you manage to find a job (are you still looking)? How long till D becomes final? Are you well?

[janedoe67]

Yeah I have to say..I think bringing the bible and stuff into this never helps. It really doesn't matter what the bible says, in the end, it matters how people treat each other. This isn't about thinking something is wrong merely because someone else told us it is, but rather because we KNOW it is.

 

I actually agree with this. If someone isn't going to recognize all of it, they should probably just keep their pet "angry" verses out of the equation.

 

I hoe you are doing well Sophie.

[Sofie2013]

I guess I am in the minority where I see a big fall coming. Most men are not going to refuse sex on tap. If it were me I would rather him come to me (let him make ALL the moves) and then make love to me. Not be taken 'dominantly'. There is something wrong about that dynamic (in my humble opinion). I mean you guys already had the 'caveman' sex a few months back.

 

 

I agree, I would prefer he came to me instead but I doubt he would have ever made that move. Also when I said he was dominant I didn’t mean rough or wild. What I meant was that he was in control. The sex we had that night was different from the sex a few month back. What we did last week was way more intimate and low.

[Sofie2013]

I presume the reason he has gone quiet is because he is clearly confused. Afterall he has a family. It's hard to walk away from. I think he is going to go through with the divorce. Just a hunch I have. I'm not sure if I would consider last night progress. I think their are a lot of manipulation tactics being used by Sofie (Kids, sex, etc etc) and I think they could back fire on her. Hope I am wrong.

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees Sofie's behaviour as manipulative and borderline disrespectful of her husband's desire for space. Why not let the guy decide whether he really wants to stay instead of trying to cloud his judgement with sexual advances?

 

 

I know he confused because I am somewhat confused myself. He is going through the divorce and its about done.

 

I don’t think what I’m doing is manipulative or even disrespectful. I once have used my kids in any way to get him to do something he didn’t want. He was the one who offered to pick up the kids from school that day. Anything activity we do with the kids is because one our counselor thought it would the kids and It showed they still had a family and he was ok and agreed to it. When it comes to sex many of you said it meant nothing so if that true then it shouldn’t really influence his decisions involving me.

 

I’m not being disrespectful at all. If he wanted space all he has to is say so and I would stop. Plus half of the time he’s the one who initiates communication first. As long as he does I’m going to talk to him and win him back.

[twosadthings]

There have been posts about you being manipulative but it's hard for me to make such a determination because you really don't convey much in depth information about your feelings, your husband's exposed feelings or your plan to recover your marriage. Have you ever sat down with him and told him what you want for your family and what you would do to get it? You keep coming off as a passive person who is content to let things happen to them rather than doing what you know you need to do to get what you want. I suspect it was the same with your affair, so much so that in your case it may be true, contrary to the conventional wisdom, that it just happened.

[Fluttershy]

Sophie don't listen to the people who want you to feel like scumm and be forever punished for your actions. We who have actually read your whole story know your H is a big boy and will tell you to F off if your harassing him. Even if e doesn't give you a second chance, i imagine you showin him how much you miss him and regret him is very good for his morale. I'd also say it has only been a few months... Don't throw in the towel yet.

[FallingLeaves]

I strongly disagree with people saying your husband deserves better. You have done a lot to work on yourself, and to really grow and find a true sense of yourself again.

 

When you were cheating on him, he deserved better treatment. Of course. But that was the past, and you can't change that now. And deserving to be treated better is not the same as demeaning another person's perceived value. ick.

 

Honestly, I'm sorry to hear that the D is still going through. I feel awful to see that beyond that night, nothing else has really happened. I'm beginning to feel that, whatever was left to between you two, is fading.

 

Sophie, how are you doing with this? I know this is very hard, and while the show isn't over yet, it's time to start preparing for the worst I think.

[Fluttershy]

To those that want to see sophie crawl into a hole and let go of her family, that is your opinion but don't throw out worss like manipulation or try to make her feel guilty for what she is doing. Sophie's H isn't here asking for advice or sharing... She is. And she has given no sign of anything that is over the top. She isn't stalking him at work or answering the door naked. She isn't begging him to stay for the children. She is only being available, flirting and fighting to win the man she loves back. Her H may have "deserved" better than being cheated on... But he isn't better than who she is being now.

 

So stop kicking her while she is down. She obviously can take it but these endless posts accusing her and guilting her are getting old.

[drifter777]

I have suggested that Sophie continue to use sex to "manipulate" her husband because that's the most powerful tool she has. I don't know how else to phrase it other than "manipulate" but I do not mean it as an insult.

 

I fear for Sophie if, in the end, her husband is one of those men who cannot live with the knowledge that their wife betrayed them by having sex with another man.

 

Until d-day, no man thinks they would give a cheating wife a second chance. Well, almost no man anyway. When d-day slaps them in the face they have to make decisions while stunned and hurt and humiliated and might make some really bad moves. But once a BH has a chance to think about his feelings and look at the future, the decisions he makes are pretty firm. I don't know whether Sophie "deserves" a second chance or not. I do know she deeply regrets cheating on H and seems willing to do whatever it takes to reconcile. But if her husband has come to the conclusion that is is unable/unwilling to live with a woman who cheated on him then Sophie's actions and intentions are not going to get him back.

 

Sophie; I hope you at least think about how to move on after the divorce is final. I will always believe that the best chance you have of winning a second chance with him is to start dating and living your life as a single woman. I think you should tell him that you are going to try to move on with your life and then do it. If he's ever going to want to try again with you it's going to happen because you have stopped chasing him.

[drifter777]

You just told a woman who has betrayed her husband in every way imaginable to now manipulate him via sex. Sophie PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN. I mean holy crap. I am not saying tell Sophie to go crawl in a hole, I NEVER said anything like that. But encouraging her to manipulate this poor man, who she has already done so much to?

 

No sorry, that is just plain F'd up. You don't mean "manipulate" as an insult? Really? Holy cow. I know that this is not my specialty and I might not know good advice when I see it, but I DO KNOW bad advice when I see it. Any advice that ends in "manipulate your husband whom you have cheated on with sex" is terrible advice. That's like trying to help a burn victim feel better by pouring acid on their face.

Ok, I understand what you are saying. I guess I'm just a lot more jaded then you are. In my opinion every girl/woman I have ever had any kind of a romantic relationship with used sex to get me to do or not do something. A wink or a smile or a wiggle is something most women learn how to use at a young age. My point is that she has nothing else to use and nothing to lose by using her "charms" to try to get her BH's attention and then try to convince him to give her another chance. In my mind what she is trying to do is expected behavior.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Sophie,

 

Don't worry too much about the D. I divorced my fWW but we are still a couple. We live together and no one but us knows we are divorced.

 

I divorced her bc I don't trust that she wants me. I'm not willing to risk permanent spousal support on a WW. I'm still giving her a second chance. I feel ok about giving her a second chance as a divorced person.

 

I think you should keep doing what you are doing. You have a chance, I think. My fWW does.

[BHsigh]

Sophie, just my opinion of course, but I say chase him, by all means. He's a grown man, he can turn down sex if he doesn't want it. If you really want him back then chase him, show him that you want to put more effort into him than you did the affair, that is one thing that I wished that my wife would do. In the absence of you coming clean without being caught, I feel that this is the best way to win him back, maybe the only way by the sound of your husband, make him feel that you will work for him, that you will put energy into him.

 

I doubt that he will put much energy into you in the near future, but don't let that deter you unless he says no. He is probably unwilling to initiate or try anything because he doesn't trust you yet, or is afraid that you're more interested in not losing your previous life rather than actually wanting him. Show him that this isn't the case.

 

I highly doubt that you could manipulate him right now anyways, you already betrayed him and he doesn't trust you so he is wary anyways, so ignore the manipulation comments from above. If you honestly want sex with him, how could that be considered manipulation anyways?

 

Just keep on, and I wish you good luck.

[Sofie2013]

Sophie, how are things going? Did you manage to find a job (are you still looking)? How long till D becomes final? Are you well?

 

Things have been pretty crazy lately. The twins have been sick for the past week and then I end catching what they had. I was bedridden with the flu for the past few days feeling better now we all are. No job offers find a job now is extremely difficult now. I actually have asked my older sister for help in find me a job. I really didn't want to ask her or anyone for help but I kind of need it. D should be final by the second week of February it would have been sooner but we have to make a court appearance.

 

Overall besides being sick for past few days I’m feeling pretty good. Just received a invitation for a super bowl party my BIL is having. I’m looking forward to that.