Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Chi townD]

I have a feeling that he wants to talk to you as well as see the kids. I have a feeling that you're going to have some very deep discussions tonight.

[miguelcervantes]

The courthouse we were supposed to finalize is closed. My husband called me a few minutes telling me it was closed due to the weather. So I guess the divorce is going to take it little longer.

 

My husband did ask if he could come over and spend some time with the kids. I told he could if he wanted to. I did tell to be careful if he decided to come.

 

Maybe he will see this as some kind of sign or Divine intervention or something ? (Always hopeful)

[yakamoz]

Hi Sofie, I just want to send you my most heart felt wishes and hugs. I have been following your post and I see so many similarities between us. I initially came to LS because of my crazy attraction to my boss and fear that I am on brink of an affair. I was desperately looking for some help. I have an old post in OW/OM section. While I had some good advice in LS (along with some harsh views from some), it was your story that finally moved me to put a stop to my destructive feelings/actions. I have been moved to tears several times reading your posts. Not only because of what you are going thru but also the realization that this could easily be my life, my marriage, my H. I have been able to build my boundaries back up again and pulled myself from an A. I owe this to reading about your post so thank you for sharing this with us. I wish your H was willing to give you a second chance. You already know A was the worst mistake of your life. But I have a feeling years from now, your H will feel this D was the worst mistake that he ever made. I wish you healing and happiness. But please give yourself a time limit on how long you will try to get your H back. You need to know when to let go and learn to make a life without him. You will get over this. You will meet other men who will make you happy again. But you can't have your husband emotionally manipulate you into getting stuck in where you are and just use you when he needs sex. After D, the playing ground will be leveled between the two of you. Let him chase you if wants you.

[aliveagain]

My thoughts and prayers are with you today.

[sidney2718]

My thoughts are with you Sophie. I do still think that something good will come of all this in the end. But for now just know that we are thinking of you.

[Trimmer]

Sophie, I continue to hope for you that this represents the opportunity to begin something new as much as it does the end of something.

[Sofie2013]

My husband did come over yesterday. He stayed for a few hours. We spent most of the time together as a family. He stayed for dinner and helped put the kids to sleep. After the kids where a sleep we went to the dining room and had a glass of wine well I had a glass of wine he had something else. We had normal conversation nothing serious. We also made plan to do something with the days today but were meeting up later today. We haven’t really done anything together in a while so it should be good for the kids. Although I wish it could be just us today. He wasn’t the most romantic guy around but he did have his moments and valentine's day he usually had something good plan at least he’s speeding it with the kids and me

[CarrieT]

I was curious how/if Valentine's Day was going to be for you...

 

Hold strong!

[Chi townD]

My husband did come over yesterday. He stayed for a few hours. We spent most of the time together as a family. He stayed for dinner and helped put the kids to sleep. After the kids where a sleep we went to the dining room and had a glass of wine well I had a glass of wine he had something else. We had normal conversation nothing serious. We also made plan to do something with the days today but were meeting up later today. We haven’t really done anything together in a while so it should be good for the kids. Although I wish it could be just us today. He wasn’t the most romantic guy around but he did have his moments and valentine's day he usually had something good plan at least he’s speeding it with the kids and me

 

 

He's running hot and cold on you. And we told you that he would. Just take it in stride and keep working on making things as comfortable as possible for him. Remember his boundaries; test them but back off if he isn't responsive. .i.e. holding hands to serious talks or even sleeping together... Keep on showing him that you are remorseful.

 

Hang in there.

[anne1707]

Softie

 

In all my years on LS, I have never seen WS who was so consistently supported from just about every poster here who has experienced affairs. Even some of the toughest, least forgiving BS/anti-cheaters are hoping you and your husband reconcile somehow. Take strength from that whatever happens. We can see your pain, we know your pain. We can see your remorse, we believe you have learnt and grown. Whatever happens, the future will work out for you.

 

We are all crossing our fingers for you xxx

[drifter777]

Softie

 

In all my years on LS, I have never seen WS who was so consistently supported from just about every poster here who has experienced affairs. Even some of the toughest, least forgiving BS/anti-cheaters are hoping you and your husband reconcile somehow. Take strength from that whatever happens. We can see your pain, we know your pain. We can see your remorse, we believe you have learnt and grown. Whatever happens, the future will work out for you.

 

We are all crossing our fingers for you xxx

Agreed. I sense her true remorse and willingness to humble herself and do anything to make it up to her BH. I think it's her humility and refusal to make excuses or minimize her cheating that most of us BS's respond to. This all has made me hope for the best for Sophie but I don't think reconciliation is really what is best for her. It's clear that her husband is the kind of man who will never accept a wife who cheated on him. Any reconciliation would be phony and lead to more pain for both Sophie and her BH. The fact that they can co-parent so well is something that should be celebrated by all of us. This is what will mean the most to the whole family in the end. I think Sophie should be proud she has been able to get to this point and start looking to make a new life for herself after the divorce.

[Sofie2013]

Hi Sofie, I just want to send you my most heart felt wishes and hugs. I have been following your post and I see so many similarities between us. I initially came to LS because of my crazy attraction to my boss and fear that I am on brink of an affair. I was desperately looking for some help. I have an old post in OW/OM section. While I had some good advice in LS (along with some harsh views from some), it was your story that finally moved me to put a stop to my destructive feelings/actions. I have been moved to tears several times reading your posts. Not only because of what you are going thru but also the realization that this could easily be my life, my marriage, my H. I have been able to build my boundaries back up again and pulled myself from an A. I owe this to reading about your post so thank you for sharing this with us. I wish your H was willing to give you a second chance. You already know A was the worst mistake of your life. But I have a feeling years from now, your H will feel this D was the worst mistake that he ever made. I wish you healing and happiness. But please give yourself a time limit on how long you will try to get your H back. You need to know when to let go and learn to make a life without him. You will get over this. You will meet other men who will make you happy again. But you can't have your husband emotionally manipulate you into getting stuck in where you are and just use you when he needs sex. After D, the playing ground will be leveled between the two of you. Let him chase you if wants you.

 

 

Thank for posting this it’s good to know my story was able to help out in some way. Affairs are extremely destructive and they solve nothing only lead to more pain and suffering for all parties involved. I’m glad you realized how dangerous staring affair could be and the consequences they bring. Hopefully you two can continue to build boundaries up. I wish I was able to do what you have done.

 

As for my husband, the divorce and everything else I’m just talking it one day at a time.

[Sofie2013]

He's running hot and cold on you. And we told you that he would. Just take it in stride and keep working on making things as comfortable as possible for him. Remember his boundaries; test them but back off if he isn't responsive. .i.e. holding hands to serious talks or even sleeping together... Keep on showing him that you are remorseful.

 

Hang in there.

 

 

I wouldn’t say he’s going hot and cold on me. My husband isn’t the kind of person to speak about his emotions freely. I don’t except him to talk about the way he’s feeling every time we talk it’s not the way he is. The conversation we had was free care free and fun we made jokes and messed around it was the kind of conversations we would have had when we were still together.

[BHsigh]

Softie

 

In all my years on LS, I have never seen WS who was so consistently supported from just about every poster here who has experienced affairs. Even some of the toughest, least forgiving BS/anti-cheaters are hoping you and your husband reconcile somehow. Take strength from that whatever happens. We can see your pain, we know your pain. We can see your remorse, we believe you have learnt and grown. Whatever happens, the future will work out for you.

 

We are all crossing our fingers for you xxx

 

I agree completely, I think that I've said this before, but I really wish that more WS's (including my own) were even half as honest and remorseful as you. I wish you all the best Sophie, and I hope that all turns out well. You sound like you truly deserve it.

[harrybrown]

Sophie-

 

Would you ever consider printing off some of your posts (without letting your H see where you post) and having your H read them?

 

Hoping he might be able to see your remorse.

 

Good luck to you.

[MuddyFootprints]

Sophie-

 

Would you ever consider printing off some of your posts (without letting your H see where you post) and having your H read them?

 

Hoping he might be able to see your remorse.

 

Good luck to you.

 

This isn't a bad idea. My husband knows I read and post here. We often talk about relationship issues brought up on this site.

[fallingdown2013]

Sophie-

 

Would you ever consider printing off some of your posts (without letting your H see where you post) and having your H read them?

 

Hoping he might be able to see your remorse.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I would respectively disagree. What if Sophie's husband asks her to reveal the forum where she posts? She cannot refuse his request or rationalize why she doesn't want to tell him. It would only cause more friction. Also, there are some posts by Sophie that might anger her husband. I'll give one example below and then leave it at that. In this post, she said that the affair sex was good. Some people might say, so what? However, we simply don't know how her husband would react to reading it. He might wonder why Sophie was curious in this thread about how her affair sex compared with the experiences of others, especially while she was so remorseful about hurting him.

 

Forum : The Other Man / Woman

 

Thread: I like feeling used by AutumnMoon

 

Post #17 by Sofie2013

 

"If you don’t believe you would stay in your marriage why not just get a divorce then. The fact that you’re happy now isn’t that much of a surprise to me any way. It’s hard to not get caught up in it all. When I learned my husband knew is when it all went to hell.

Sex with my AP was also good but isn’t worth everything I’m about to lose. My advice just my carful it could turn really bad for you trust me it did for me."

[Fluttershy]

I would respectively disagree. What if Sophie's husband asks her to reveal the forum where she posts? She cannot refuse his request or rationalize why she doesn't want to tell him. It would only cause more friction. Also, there are some posts by Sophie that might anger her husband. I'll give one example below and then leave it at that. In this post, she said that the affair sex was good. Some people might say, so what? However, we simply don't know how her husband would react to reading it. He might wonder why Sophie was curious in this thread about how her affair sex compared with the experiences of others, especially while she was so remorseful about hurting him.

 

Forum : The Other Man / Woman

 

Thread: I like feeling used by AutumnMoon

 

Post #17 by Sofie2013

 

"If you don’t believe you would stay in your marriage why not just get a divorce then. The fact that you’re happy now isn’t that much of a surprise to me any way. It’s hard to not get caught up in it all. When I learned my husband knew is when it all went to hell.

Sex with my AP was also good but isn’t worth everything I’m about to lose. My advice just my carful it could turn really bad for you trust me it did for me."

IF they move back in together and reconcile this site can't be a secret. There is nothing discriminating in that post. She didn't say it was "the best". It is true. If my WH had tried to tell me the sex wwasn't good with his AP I'd have told him where to go for lying. You don't continue a lust filled affair with bad sex. Maybe a verbal affair turned onetime physical could be believable as bad but not multiple returns.

[fallingdown2013]

IF they move back in together and reconcile this site can't be a secret. There is nothing discriminating in that post. She didn't say it was "the best". It is true. If my WH had tried to tell me the sex wwasn't good with his AP I'd have told him where to go for lying. You don't continue a lust filled affair with bad sex. Maybe a verbal affair turned onetime physical could be believable as bad but not multiple returns.

 

The sex with the affair partner was good. This statement is undoubtedly true. However, this probably isn't a logical topic for Sophie's husband. At the Super Bowl party, he told Sophie that it eats him up whenever he thinks about what she did. What exactly do you think "eats him up"? Is it just the fact that she was intimate with another man? Or, is her husband obsessing over the details, such as what sexual acts they did, did they use condoms, was she wearing her wedding ring, etc. This crap can go on and on. We don't know what he's thinking. She should continue to demonstrate that she desires her husband sexually and provide a happy and fun environment for him. She should avoid talking about the "quality of her affair sex" like the plague, unless her husband brings up the topic.

 

Also, why does Sophie have to tell her husband about this forum during reconciliation (unless he explicitly asks)? He will not only read her posts, but also the posts by others... some of them being very harsh and graphic. This forum is a safe place for Sophie to ask questions, which would be compromised if her husband starts reading everything. Sophie needs to be honest and transparent about her affair. She should be thinking of all kinds of uncomfortable questions that he may eventually ask and preparing answers. Otherwise, she may say something incredibly stupid and regret it later.

[Fluttershy]

The sex with the affair partner was good. This statement is undoubtedly true. However, this probably isn't a logical topic for Sophie's husband. At the Super Bowl party, he told Sophie that it eats him up whenever he thinks about what she did. What exactly do you think "eats him up"? Is it just the fact that she was intimate with another man? Or, is her husband obsessing over the details, such as what sexual acts they did, did they use condoms, was she wearing her wedding ring, etc. This crap can go on and on. We don't know what he's thinking. She should continue to demonstrate that she desires her husband sexually and provide a happy and fun environment for him. She should avoid talking about the "quality of her affair sex" like the plague, unless her husband brings up the topic.

 

Also, why does Sophie have to tell her husband about this forum during reconciliation (unless he explicitly asks)? He will not only read her posts, but also the posts by others... some of them being very harsh and graphic. This forum is a safe place for Sophie to ask questions, which would be compromised if her husband starts reading everything. Sophie needs to be honest and transparent about her affair. She should be thinking of all kinds of uncomfortable questions that he may eventually ask and preparing answers. Otherwise, she may say something incredibly stupid and regret it later.

 

 

I am not certain on her showing him er posts BUT for a fact yes she does nee to tell him about this site when they are living together. It is a big part of transparncy and her hiding or not mentioning (which looks like hiding) this site called loveshack would not look good at all!

[Sofie2013]

Well my kids don’t have school for this full week because winter recess. My husband asked if he could have the kids for this week. I agreed I really want to since I hate being away from them but my husband only really has them for two whole days so I understand why he would want more time.

 

I do have some good news. My husband and I have been talking all day yester and today. During one of one of your conversations the Barcelona game came up. We stared talking about it and we agreed to go see it together. Where going to meet up at a bar we usually go to and watch it there. I won’t be just us since other will be going to. We are going more as friends I guess but is still a chance to be with him so I’m excited.

[Sofie2013]

When it comes to showing my husband this site I plan to do it at some point. I don’t really want to show him now if we do ever reconcile I will most definitely show him this site I think it could help him just as much as it has me.

[Trimmer]

Well my kids don’t have school for this full week because winter recess. My husband asked if he could have the kids for this week. I agreed I really want to since I hate being away from them but my husband only really has them for two whole days so I understand why he would want more time.

In the bold statement above, from the surrounding context, I think you meant to say "I really didn't want to..."

 

I understand that, from a "missing them" point of view, but let me suggest to you my approach and experience, and maybe it will help you. When we separated, and subsequently divorced, I was, at first, terrified about being without my kids for even short times, as if they or I would be missing something important.

 

Over time, though, I developed a couple of thoughts that really helped me.

 

(1) When our kids were with her, I could have some time for myself. At first, I felt guilty about this, like I wasn't fully keeping up my "father" responsibilities, but over time, I relaxed, and found that having some alone-time was actually quite valuable in recharging myself as an individual, and this, in fact, made me a better father when we were together.

 

(2) In spite of the difficulties between my ex and me as spouses, I have always intended to unwaveringly support her in her role as the mother of our children, and to foster their relationships with her. And a big part of that is them getting to have time with her.

 

One of the best things we've done as divorced parents is to continue to support each other in our parental roles, and this has avoided putting the children "in the middle" of any of our spousal/relationship issues.

 

So my suggestion to you: while I recognize and acknowledge that you miss them while they're gone, celebrate this time on their behalf, because they are getting the gift of a lengthy period with their father. Think of that in terms of what it means for your children, and assuming you believe him to be a good father, then it's a good thing for them.

 

Use this time for yourself, so that when they return to you, you can trade stories about what has been happening, and you can display your enthusiasm, support, and joy for their time with their father.

[miguelcervantes]

Well my kids don’t have school for this full week because winter recess. My husband asked if he could have the kids for this week. I agreed I really want to since I hate being away from them but my husband only really has them for two whole days so I understand why he would want more time.

 

I do have some good news. My husband and I have been talking all day yester and today. During one of one of your conversations the Barcelona game came up. We stared talking about it and we agreed to go see it together. Where going to meet up at a bar we usually go to and watch it there. I won’t be just us since other will be going to. We are going more as friends I guess but is still a chance to be with him so I’m excited.

 

Fantastic! I knew football was the way to your husband's heart!

Is this the Liga BBVA match ? Barca is a great team to watch. Poetry in motion! I have been to see them live a few times as I do have Cataluniyan connections and it is very enjoyable. Really good news Sophie - take the time to bond with him over this and you will make good progress. I wish I had a wife who enjoyed football

[Chi townD]

Sophie, if I were you, I wouldn't show this site to your husband at all. This is your safe place. A place for you to vent, ask questions and get advice.

 

If you showed it to him, he MIGHT take it as a place that gave you the tools to manipulate yourself back into his life. Even though that was not our goal and intention, he might take it that way and be resentful for it.

 

And you wouldn't be hiding it from him. If he sought advice or looking for answers, he would have googled it and this site would probably pop up on his search. If he ever did happen across this site and found your thread, you could easily pass it off as an online support group.

 

But, this is YOUR safe place and YOUR thread. If he ever asks you, you can be honest and say that you joined on online support group. Hell, you've been going through counseling, he probably wouldn't think twice on it.