Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Sofie2013]

Fantastic! I knew football was the way to your husband's heart!

Is this the Liga BBVA match ? Barca is a great team to watch. Poetry in motion! I have been to see them live a few times as I do have Cataluniyan connections and it is very enjoyable. Really good news Sophie - take the time to bond with him over this and you will make good progress. I wish I had a wife who enjoyed football

 

 

 

Me too I seen them play live a few times when I was younger. I was lucky enough to watch a few clasicos between Barca and Real Madrid.

 

It’s not a Liga game its champions league against Man City. My husband has been talking about for months now so he’s excited. We’re both big Barca fans. It should be a lot of fun.

[Sofie2013]

when is the new court date? I do see the cancellation as a gift from the universe.

 

I don’t know when the new court date is. My husband hasn’t given it to me. I could get it from my lawyer if I wanted to. I guess it would be in the upcoming weeks.

 

As if it’s a gift I don’t really see it as that. The weather has been like this for the past month. It’s snowing and raining right now it’s just what it is

[miguelcervantes]

Me too I seen them play live a few times when I was younger. I was lucky enough to watch a few clasicos between Barca and Real Madrid.

 

It’s not a Liga game its champions league against Man City. My husband has been talking about for months now so he’s excited. We’re both big Barca fans. It should be a lot of fun.

 

Oh yes I am aware of that game - I also like Man United so I hope Man City get hammered. I have seen Real Madrid play and of course they are good too - days of Zidane and Beckham - but Barca is my favourite. Many Real Madrid players would eat at a restaurant I frequent in Madrid called Asador Donostiarra in Calle de la Infanta Mercedes - met Zidane there.

 

Great opportunity for you to bond and enjoy good football.

[sidney2718]

I am not certain on her showing him er posts BUT for a fact yes she does nee to tell him about this site when they are living together. It is a big part of transparncy and her hiding or not mentioning (which looks like hiding) this site called loveshack would not look good at all!

 

I think this is a bit of a tempest in a teapot. First they need a reconciliation or the divorce called off. Given that one of those happens, then they have more immediate things to do than to worry about "Love Shack".

 

Of course if he asks, then tell him. Or if the opportunity comes up to present "Love Shack" as a mostly good thing, then tell him. The major issue I see is the telling of private business to the world.

 

Except I'd argue that she is not telling private business since none of us will ever claim to know who she is. All I know is that she lives in or close to New York City which is a small region of the US containing about 25 million people or more.

[ChooseTruth]

Sofie don't show your husband this thread! It'll only cause another divorce, let me explain myself a year ago I pleaded with a friend not to tell her husband that his beautiful girl wasn't his. Maybe it was religion or something but she decided to go and tell her husband that the daughter who he loves isn't his. Resulting in a divorce now her daughter hates her too. Keep it quiet!

 

 

Honesty is always best, besides in this case her H knows everything already. I don't think this thread will hurt their relationship. I think it will just show how badly she wanted to be with him and how much she regretted the affair.

[BeholdtheMan]

Sofie don't show your husband this thread! It'll only cause another divorce, let me explain myself a year ago I pleaded with a friend not to tell her husband that his beautiful girl wasn't his. Maybe it was religion or something but she decided to go and tell her husband that the daughter who he loves isn't his. Resulting in a divorce now her daughter hates her too. Keep it quiet!

 

This is wonderful advice. Integrity is for chumps.

 

Lie to protect your own ass at the expense of others...that's how a girl should live her life!

[janedoe67]

As far as this thread goes, I think that there will come a time you will want to share it with your h. My h read things I wrote, and though sometimes we needed to discuss it, overall I think it helped him to see the work I did and how I processed things. I would say the same thing if you were a BS. When reconciliation is happening, there is no room for secrets, even the "secret" of a help site.

[veritas lux mea]

Sofie cheating is like to swimming in the ocean it starts by stepping on the sand then dipping your toe in the sea, followed by wading in the velvet sea. Next thing you know is that your drowning in the sea of sex. It all started with a glance then a smile followed by an embrace. If you get back with H I guarantee that its only a matter of time before someone else will come to you. keep it on the down low!

 

What terrible advice! So if she gets hit on again instead of having her eyes wide open and shutting it down before it progresses you suggest she should he more discreet this time. What are you an Ashley Madison Troll?

[Chi townD]

Sofie cheating is like to swimming in the ocean it starts by stepping on the sand then dipping your toe in the sea, followed by wading in the velvet sea. Next thing you know is that your drowning in the sea of sex. It all started with a glance then a smile followed by an embrace. If you get back with H I guarantee that its only a matter of time before someone else will come to you. keep it on the down low!

 

Or how about this, Sophie! Remember what it felt like when he called your hotel room and feeling like your head and chest was about to explode when you discovered that he knew.

 

Remember the feeling of your heart breaking when he told you that he wanted a divorce.

 

Remember the shame and embarrassment you went through when you lost your job because you "waded in a velvet sea".

 

Remember the hurt, confusion and tears your kids went through when you told them that Daddy was no longer going to live with them.

 

Now, will there be a "next time" that you would need to keep on the down low?

[Sofie2013]

I went to the game yesterday and my husband was also there. Few other people I knew were also there few of his friends and brother. He spent most of the time with me we really didn’t talk since the both of us were watching the game which we had a lot of fun and to make better barca won. After the game we talked we were having a normal conversation then he asked if I wanted to go to with him and the kids which I said yes. We both went to pick them up and went to a restaurant and had dinner. After dinner I went over his places to out the kids to sleep I stayed a little longer and we talked some more. I left around 10. It was a good day I even got a good bye kiss before I went home. He also called him to make sure I made it home ok.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie don't show your husband this thread! It'll only cause another divorce, let me explain myself a year ago I pleaded with a friend not to tell her husband that his beautiful girl wasn't his. Maybe it was religion or something but she decided to go and tell her husband that the daughter who he loves isn't his. Resulting in a divorce now her daughter hates her too. Keep it quiet!

 

I can’t believe you would tell your friend not to tell her husband. That man had every right to know that his daughter wasn’t his biological daughter. She should have never lied in the first place. She let two people build a bond that never really existed for who knows how long. I would hate my mother too if I was her

[Chi townD]

I went to the game yesterday and my husband was also there. Few other people I knew were also there few of his friends and brother. He spent most of the time with me we really didn’t talk since the both of us were watching the game which we had a lot of fun and to make better barca won. After the game we talked we were having a normal conversation then he asked if I wanted to go to with him and the kids which I said yes. We both went to pick them up and went to a restaurant and had dinner. After dinner I went over his places to out the kids to sleep I stayed a little longer and we talked some more. I left around 10. It was a good day I even got a good bye kiss before I went home. He also called him to make sure I made it home ok.

 

Hmmm, it seems like you and your husband are already dating again. Did you guys make any future dates together? If not, why don't you try to think of something that he would be interested in doing and ask him?

 

If he says no, then that's fine. But, it doesn't hurt to ask!

 

Still haven't heard of a new court date yet? Do you think it's a possibility that he hasn't petitioned for a new date to be set just yet?

 

And, if I remember correctly, I thought you were going to ask him about marriage counseling? Anything with that yet?

[Chi townD]

Two Common Excuses for Dishonesty in a Romance | Couples in Recovery

 

Being open will not get him back!

 

 

And lying to him and letting him discover that he's been living in a marriage full of lies is a sure fire death sentence for a marriage.

[Timmos]

Two Common Excuses for Dishonesty in a Romance | Couples in Recovery

 

Being open will not get him back!

 

And lying to keep someone is the reason most of us are here.

[anne1707]

Two Common Excuses for Dishonesty in a Romance | Couples in Recovery

 

Being open will not get him back!

 

As you say, excuses. Not reasons. There is an important difference in my opinion.

[sidney2718]

I went to the game yesterday and my husband was also there. Few other people I knew were also there few of his friends and brother. He spent most of the time with me we really didn’t talk since the both of us were watching the game which we had a lot of fun and to make better barca won. After the game we talked we were having a normal conversation then he asked if I wanted to go to with him and the kids which I said yes. We both went to pick them up and went to a restaurant and had dinner. After dinner I went over his places to out the kids to sleep I stayed a little longer and we talked some more. I left around 10. It was a good day I even got a good bye kiss before I went home. He also called him to make sure I made it home ok.

 

Sophie, that's wonderful! Really wonderful!!!

[sidney2718]

Originally Posted by ssbc

Two Common Excuses for Dishonesty in a Romance | Couples in Recovery

 

Being open will not get him back!

And lying to keep someone is the reason most of us are here.

 

This is getting totally out of hand. There has been no lying involving LoveShack at all. Sophie came here for advice as have many others. She has doubtless discussed her problems with others such as friends and family. Her husband does not, at this point, need to know the names of all the people she's discussed her situation with, nor does he need to be invited to read all her posts.

 

If he asks, then she should tell him. Period. But wait until asked. Things are at a critical new stage here and no wrenches need be tossed into the works now.

 

At some point in the future, perhaps even the near future, Sophie may decide that it would be a good thing to discuss things that helped her during her time in the desert.

 

There are many other things that Sophie has done that need not be "reported". One is the number of nights she's spent crying. In good time all the minor things can be brought up. Right now the question of the divorce and its aftermath is most important. Now is NOT the time to rock the boat.

[miguelcervantes]

Lionel Messi and Dani Alves - great stuff. That tackle on Messi was "messy" - get it ? Cost Man City - red card and penalty ! Shame for Man City to go down like that. I generally prefer good goals rather than penalties. However, Messi was being set up for an excellent goal when he was brought down.

 

This was a good game for you guys to bond over - was there much celebrating after the game ? Or is the excitement not that high over there in the USA ?

 

On a more serious note, this is very good progress - continue to work on becoming the "real" you and continue to show him this "real" you.

[Timmos]

This is getting totally out of hand. There has been no lying involving LoveShack at all. Sophie came here for advice as have many others. She has doubtless discussed her problems with others such as friends and family. Her husband does not, at this point, need to know the names of all the people she's discussed her situation with, nor does he need to be invited to read all her posts.

 

If he asks, then she should tell him. Period. But wait until asked. Things are at a critical new stage here and no wrenches need be tossed into the works now.

 

At some point in the future, perhaps even the near future, Sophie may decide that it would be a good thing to discuss things that helped her during her time in the desert.

 

There are many other things that Sophie has done that need not be "reported". One is the number of nights she's spent crying. In good time all the minor things can be brought up. Right now the question of the divorce and its aftermath is most important. Now is NOT the time to rock the boat.

 

Sidney, I was not implying that Sophie had lied. I was simply countering the idea that one should not be open and honest. Its the fact that they have not been open and honest that sends most of us looking for forums such as this is the first place. ie, not a good idea.

[georgia girl]

Sophie,

 

I've been a reader from afar and this is just my second post. First of all, it sounds like things are moving well with your husband. Despite the divorce, he seems to be pursuing you and that's really wonderful.

 

Not now, but sometime in the future, you may have to tell him that it's finally "fish or cut bait" time. Recognizing that you had an affair and it devastated him and he took the action to divorce. That was his prerogative and I think you were gracious and sort of took your relationship "lumps" in having to deal with his unilateral decision to divorce (just like he had to deal with your unilateral decision to have an affair).

 

Now, however, the playing field is even. You've demonstrated repeatedly that you are willing to put in the work to have a good relationship. You've taken his decisions on the chin. But if he wants to date you, then he needs to do so fairly. It's not on his terms, nor is it on your terms. It's on mutually agreed upon terms.

 

I think that's a critical distinction. You can't give away all of your right to negotiate new terms of endearment with your husband. You did wrong. One could argue that he got even. Whatever. You both severed the marriage in your own way. Now, if he wants to date you, you can decide terms together.

 

I would agree with going with the flow for a bit longer but then I'd ask him what his intentions are. You shouldn't be in the dark here.

 

Good luck!

[BHsigh]

Now they're even?!?!?! She had an affair which caused him to want a divorce, there is no equaling of grounds here, no leveling of the playing field, they are not even, far from it. They will never be even. Either they reconcile or they don't, neither one of them should be worried about making things even. He's also not keeping her in the dark, he hasn't canceled the divorce as far as any of us know.

 

Sophie,

 

Coming from a BS, I don't think that you should tell him about Loveshack unless he asks. To me this is a type of therapy where you can let out some of your feelings and get a variety of opinions, don't throw that away. No one here knows you, no one knows your husband, you aren't doing anything wrong by coming here.

 

If I found out that my wife was posting on a forum like you are, my first reaction would be to be happy that's she trying to learn and get help and my second reaction would be guilt that it's ruined by me finding out. This is an advice forum, not a dating forums.

[Tayken]

This is an advice forum, not a dating forums.

 

True...but love can be found in the most unthinkable place...after all, it's called "loveshack" translating to home of love?

[Fluttershy]

True...but love can be found in the most unthinkable place...after all, it's called "loveshack" translating to home of love?

 

My problem with her not telling him is just that. If he decides totrack her internet history and sees the name "loveshack". Would we suggest she keep deleting her internet history. But this is the cart before the horse. Should he move back in with her at any point that bridge can be crossed.

[miguelcervantes]

Sophie you are doing fine the way you are going. I would not take any advice that says you are even and need to negotiate new terms of endearment! But then you know that. You will know when and if it becomes necessary to show him this site but right now that is nowhere near a priority leave alone a top priority. He is hurt badly and is dealing with his own pain. You are doing whatever you can to help him. That is great so far.

[Sofie2013]

Hmmm, it seems like you and your husband are already dating again. Did you guys make any future dates together? If not, why don't you try to think of something that he would be interested in doing and ask him?

 

If he says no, then that's fine. But, it doesn't hurt to ask!

 

Still haven't heard of a new court date yet? Do you think it's a possibility that he hasn't petitioned for a new date to be set just yet?

 

And, if I remember correctly, I thought you were going to ask him about marriage counseling? Anything with that yet?

 

I wouldn’t say were dating, we went out more as friends then anything say. We did spend most of the time together but we didn’t really have any alone time. We did make plans to see the return game which I think is in March. I want to ask him out but I’m kind of hesitant about it.

 

He actually texted me the new court date this morning.

 

I was going to ask him about marriage counseling but the day I was going to ask him was during one of our co-parenting sessions. That day he seemed a little angry, stressed so I choose not to ask him that day. Since that was the last co-parenting sessions due the weather and presidents day we have one this Monday I am think about asking if then.