Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[Sofie2013]

Good News

I was finally able to get a job. My BIL was able to find me a job and it seems to be a good one too. I still have to do the interview but my BIL says the job is mine. The best part about the job is the company headquarters are about a 5-10 minute walk to my husband firm so we could possible close to each other they do have other offices in the city so it isn’t sure thing I would work there.

[miguelcervantes]

Great news about the job Sofie. With regard to asking him out - I think you should - if he is a typical macho Latino, it will tickle his fantasy that you want to take him out and treat him to a good evening. Use the celebration of finding a new job as an excuse. I don't fully understand the MC purpose. You originally said you were doing counselling so that you could be better co-parents. What would the MC do now that he is set on D ?

[Chi townD]

That's good to hear! Congrats! Must feel good!

 

Now, I hate to be a downer, but the last time you worked, well......you know what happened there.

This might be a trigger to your husband. So, be on the lookout for it, okay?

 

Congrats again!!!

[harrybrown]

Great news about the job.

 

When is the new divorce date?

 

I would still ask him (your H) about going on a date with you.

Edited February 20, 2014 by harrybrown
edit

[Raven3321]

You go girl. Great news.

[aliveagain]

Congratulations, another item to check off your list on your road to recovery.

[BHsigh]

Great news, congrats on the new job Sophie, I'm happy for you!

 

I still think that you should hold off on asking about MC, he just gave you the court date for divorce today, it may push him away even more.

[Sofie2013]

Great news about the job Sofie. With regard to asking him out - I think you should - if he is a typical macho Latino, it will tickle his fantasy that you want to take him out and treat him to a good evening. Use the celebration of finding a new job as an excuse. I don't fully understand the MC purpose. You originally said you were doing counselling so that you could be better co-parents. What would the MC do now that he is set on D ?

 

The main reason why I want to try marriage counseling is because I think if I could get him to sit down with me and actually look how good our marriage was at one point and how well we could work together I think I would open him up to trying to reconcile with me. Even if it doesn’t work out the way I plan it could still provide some kind of closure.

[Sofie2013]

Great news about the job.

 

When is the new divorce date?

 

I would still ask him (your H) about going on a date with you.

 

As of now it’s set for March 5th

[janedoe67]

That's good to hear! Congrats! Must feel good!

 

Now, I hate to be a downer, but the last time you worked, well......you know what happened there.

This might be a trigger to your husband. So, be on the lookout for it, okay?

 

Congrats again!!!

 

I have to say this is something at never understood at another forum. If a FWS is not supposed to ask for support, then how exactly are they supposed to eat if they don't have a job? Does Harley REALLY say if your affair was at work you can never have a job again?

[sidney2718]

I have to say this is something at never understood at another forum. If a FWS is not supposed to ask for support, then how exactly are they supposed to eat if they don't have a job? Does Harley REALLY say if your affair was at work you can never have a job again?

 

I believe that in most no fault states a non-working spouse gets support from a working spouse. If both are working, one common way (I think) it is handled is to add up the two incomes and then divide by 2. This does not count child support which is separate.

 

All of this stuff can be Googled, which I recommend for those interested. Each state seems to be slightly different.

[anne1707]

I have to say this is something at never understood at another forum. If a FWS is not supposed to ask for support, then how exactly are they supposed to eat if they don't have a job? Does Harley REALLY say if your affair was at work you can never have a job again?

 

I think what Chi meant was to be absolute 100% in maintaining boundaries at work so that there would be no doubt at all that Sofie was not having an affair at work.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Congrats on the job.

 

Being able to put into practice the new boundaries you have for yourself will help with self forgiveness.

[miguelcervantes]

The main reason why I want to try marriage counseling is because I think if I could get him to sit down with me and actually look how good our marriage was at one point and how well we could work together I think I would open him up to trying to reconcile with me. Even if it doesn’t work out the way I plan it could still provide some kind of closure.

 

OK I see. Do you see reconciliation as not being connected to whether you are married or not. What I mean is the divorce is going to happen on March 5th. The reconciliation you want to achieve through MC is after this, right ?

 

I am not sure if it will provide closure - this is something that is not easy to "close" Sofie. It may give him closure on some of the lighter questions such as details of what was wrong in the marriage prior to the affair but I doubt it will ever really explain why the affair took place and I don't believe that anyone can hope to get that from MC (and that is the question he most needs closure on probably). I think deep down he knows why it happened and needs to get past it. Getting past it is seeing and believing what a wonderful person you were prior to the affair, are now and will be in future. And you are already showing him this. If MC can help with this then it is worth it.

 

Good luck with the job and with getting your man back.

[Sofie2013]

OK I see. Do you see reconciliation as not being connected to whether you are married or not. What I mean is the divorce is going to happen on March 5th. The reconciliation you want to achieve through MC is after this, right ?

 

I am not sure if it will provide closure - this is something that is not easy to "close" Sofie. It may give him closure on some of the lighter questions such as details of what was wrong in the marriage prior to the affair but I doubt it will ever really explain why the affair took place and I don't believe that anyone can hope to get that from MC (and that is the question he most needs closure on probably). I think deep down he knows why it happened and needs to get past it. Getting past it is seeing and believing what a wonderful person you were prior to the affair, are now and will be in future. And you are already showing him this. If MC can help with this then it is worth it.

 

Good luck with the job and with getting your man back.

 

 

 

The divorce is going to happen I know that for a fact but that doesn’t mean I can’t still try to reconcile. I just want us to be together I would like us to stay married but honestly I don’t really care I just want us together and to be a family again.

 

 

I agree counseling won’t provide us complete closure about the infidelity that took place. When It comes to the actually affair I think we would have to work on that separate. He wondering what he could have done to prevent me form having affair or could he have done something differently or who knows what. I have told he could have done nothing and it was all on me and it really had very little to do with him. Whether he believes me or not is up to him. Then you have me who still trying to figure out how and why I could be so selfish and have an affair. Those question we will have to figure out on our own. I still it can help talk about the issue with both have or had in the marriage and help reconnect in so way. If he does agree to counseling it means he

[miguelcervantes]

I now understand the need for counselling - to help him understand that he could not have made you not cheat - and that is something that needs to happen. As for wrestling with why you did it - all I can say is that we all at some stage do wrong, hurtful and selfish things and often we justify them. Some are worse (in that their effects are worse) than others. You are no different - you did a wrong thing and it was selfish and very destructive and hurtful. However you have owned it and are truly remorseful - you are striving to help him, better yourself, recover the marriage and take care of your kids. Pretty admirable and I hope he sees it. Just keep doing it and try not to beat yourself up again and again. You are already doing the right things and already know why you did it. So focus on the MC and helping him heal and you will get there.

[veritas lux mea]

If by "reconcile" you mean get back together I disagree. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I feel if the divorce goes through it is over. Your H has had plenty of time to think about if he really wants it. So if it goes through I'd take it as a sign he just has no interest in getting back together. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but I feel you seem to have an awful lot of people constantly urging you to "keep trying" and stuff. Which is fine, but there comes a point it has to stop..I believe the divorce actually going through is that sign.

 

Like I said, I know people will jump in and say you should keep trying, but I just disagree. They never seem to take your H's feelings into account. If you do divorce and he has no interest in getting back together, but you keep trying to..well, that's NOT going to make him feel good. It will just stir up old memories of what caused your break up in the first place. Keep trying for now, but once that divorce goes through and is final I think you need to stop.

 

 

 

Unfortunately I think this ship has probably sailed(if the divorce goes through). Unfortunately you didn't really think about the full consequences of your actions until it was too late. I am not trying to make you feel bad or bring up old arguments, merely just saying you at least learned a lesson from this..so with whoever the next man is you date you won't make the same mistakes.

 

 

 

I think this is probably all you can hope for: to be nothing more then friends with your husband, while still being a family with your kids, etc.(unless he cancels the divorce at the last minute).

 

Will things ever be like they were before the affair? Sadly, no..probably not. I do wish you luck..I personally feel your H should divorce you(and should of done so a long long time ago) but..I do see your remorse and you seem like a nice lady and I wish you no ill will..so at the same time I do hope he does come around for you if that is what you want.

 

I know you are routing for this family to not have a second chance. Have no idea why as I don't know you. But you seem to be sort of stuck on repeat. Your words are completely unnecessary by the way. Sophie, despite her little trip to the dark side, seems to be a very level headed woman. I am sure when the time comes she will move on. And I am sure if she harasses her husband he will let her know. He doesn't seem the type to do anything he doesn't want to do. So that means your posts are like kicking someone when they are down. Your contradicting ending changes nothing.

 

I'd say we all know, a few thousand times over (okay I exaggerate) that you do not think they will get back together after divorce. I don't think Sophie needs your slaps anymore.

 

Maybe Sophie won't date again until her kids are grown. Nothing wrong with that. Happiness can be found single. But then if she was here posting about a new relationship you would be sure to remind her YOU would never date anyone with cheating in their past.

 

My suggestion to you is to try helping people not hurting them. And if you feel they need some tough love you give your opinion on that. But you don't just keep giving your predictions over and over again until we all want to put you on ignore. Why exactly do you feel the need to do so?

Edited February 22, 2014 by veritas lux mea

[veritas lux mea]

Never once said it. Not rooting for it. Also the family can still have a chance without them getting back together. PLENTY of people do this! Plenty of families survive this. They CAN still be a family. So no, not rooting for that.

 

Have you read the thread? A LOT of stuff has been repeated, so I'm confused by this response.

 

Well thank you I agree they are necessary, otherwise I wouldn't of said them.

 

I'd argue a level headed woman wouldn't be in the situation Sophie is in. Look, I get you don't want anyone being harsh to her, but if that is the case you should really avoid saying things like you just said..things that really can't be ignored and will just prolong discussion about any "harshness" you perceive.

 

I also have to say I find it fascinating you referred to this as a "little trip to the dark side". Especially the use of the word little, like it's no big deal. That tells me a lot.

 

Telling someone is their husband goes through with a divorce they should let go is kicking them while they are down? Pointing out how potentially hurt it could be to this man if she keeps trying once it is clear he isn't interested is kicking someone while they are down? You have a very odd definition of what that phrase means.

 

What contradiction? I truly do hope she gets what she wants, even if I would of divorced her

 

I was responding to a specific post she made, who is slapping her? Bringing up things a person did in a topic about..things that person did, isn't slapping them. Even if they have been brought up before..am I the one who kept the topic open and going? Nope. Choosing to keep it open doesn't equate to "you really can't mention anything that has already been mentioned".

 

Please don't act like you know me or what I will post. If she posted a topic today about a new relationship I'd say: good for her and remember not to make the same mistakes. Whether or not I'd date a cheat is irrelevant.

 

I'm sorry, but if you seem to be under the impression I'm the only one whose repeated things in this thread then..well, you're just plain wrong. We get it: you don't want people bringing up stuff that's already been mentioned. But I didn't come in and say "Just reminding people about all this stuff!" I was replying to a specific post about a specific point she made.

 

You really don't get to dictate the number of times a certain thing can be brought up, especially with a topic with a HUGE amount of pages. So my suggestion to you is to learn to deal with other opinions and to learn to deal with the fact that yeah, a thread over 70 pages long and nearly 4 months old is going to get stuff repeated. If you are reading a post of mine and feel I'm just repeating myself: feel free to stop reading and skip it.

 

Well as long as you feel justified in it then I guess we are all good!

[sidney2718]

The divorce is going to happen I know that for a fact but that doesn’t mean I can’t still try to reconcile. I just want us to be together I would like us to stay married but honestly I don’t really care I just want us together and to be a family again.

 

I feel so sad for you. But it may not be over yet. From what you have written he has not acted like a person who wants nothing more to do with you. He seems to be quite willing to spend time with just the two of you.

 

It may be far fetched, but the issue may be trust. He may worry that if he reconciles then in a couple of years you may wander again. How can he prove to himself that this isn't likely to happen?

 

One way is to divorce you. And then watch you to see if you do what I think you said you'd do, stay faithful even if not married. That's a real test. Being legally single again you'd have a perfect right to do as you please. And there's the test. It may go on for some months or even longer, but I'd not be surprised if the two of you don't spend time together during that period. After all, he certainly trusts you to be the caretaker of his children.

 

Some variation of what I've outlined may yet happen. I know that success in that would make you happy.

 

 

I agree counseling won’t provide us complete closure about the infidelity that took place. When It comes to the actually affair I think we would have to work on that separate. He wondering what he could have done to prevent me form having affair or could he have done something differently or who knows what. I have told he could have done nothing and it was all on me and it really had very little to do with him. Whether he believes me or not is up to him. Then you have me who still trying to figure out how and why I could be so selfish and have an affair. Those question we will have to figure out on our own. I still it can help talk about the issue with both have or had in the marriage and help reconnect in so way. If he does agree to counseling it means he

This is all very true. And it would be a wonderful thing if he'd be willing to discuss it. I know it would be painful for you, but it needs to be done. The fact that he filed for divorce before any of this was really worked out seems to me to indicate that he does fear that some blame is on him. But if he's willing to talk, that's a good thing.

[Trimmer]

Telling someone is their husband goes through with a divorce they should let go is kicking them while they are down? Pointing out how potentially hurt it could be to this man if she keeps trying once it is clear he isn't interested is kicking someone while they are down? You have a very odd definition of what that phrase means.

Whether it's kicking someone while they're down or not, I won't argue. But this passage does bring up my difficulty with your approach to her situation.

 

You are driving home (repeatedly, as is your right) the idea that the divorce means things are over and she should stop trying. That is the only way you can see the divorce, and thus your advice to her is: divorce means everything is over; stop trying.

 

Not only stop trying, but that she will hurt him if she keeps trying....

 

Now, if your advice were to her husband - if you were intending to say to him: "don't let her hurt you, you should move on - then even if I didn't agree, I could see it a valid, applicable opinion.

 

But in this case, how can you process her reports that he willingly spends time together with her, not only as a whole family, but also just the two of them alone, her honesty with him about her hopes and intentions, and her willingness to back off when she reads his signals that he needs space, and come to the conclusion that she should back off because she will hurt him after the divorce is final?

 

Isn't this essentially infantilizing her husband, by assuming that he can't tell her he wants her to back off, insisting that she needs to take herself off the table because, what, he won't be able to? The guy who initiated and purposefully pushed through a divorce without wavering, is so fragile that he wouldn't be able to tell his ex to back off if he needs space, therefore she should back off unilaterally to protect him?

 

You think so little of him - in spite of his proven ability to move himself forward through this - and so little of her - in spite of her proven ability to interact with him in a way that, by all reports, he finds agreeable? You want her to shut down what appears to be working for both of them? That's why your posts come across as having a negative tone.

[Kate9292]

I also have to say I find it fascinating you referred to this as a "little trip to the dark side". Especially the use of the word little, like it's no big deal. That tells me a lot.

 

It is no big deal.

 

She slept with another guy a few times. What did husband really lose? Not much. She still loves him, she still cares for him and wants family together. How did a few times of sex changed that? Also husband had an affair earlier too, before the relationship. And Sofie forgave him.

 

I think he's overreacting with this whole divorce thing. If he really cares about family, he should just move on and be together with his wife that obviously loves him. But if he really intends to keep together after divorce and it is just symbolic, maybe ok. I'm not huge on symbolism, I would just hate to see this wonderful family broken by what ultimately was no big deal.

[fallingdown2013]

Sophie's affair was a big deal for her husband. Many spouses cannot get over cheating. For many men, they simple can't stand the physical aspect of an affair and it repeats endlessly in their minds. A wayward spouse can be remorseful until the cows come home, but it won't change this mental torture for the betrayed spouse. I may be wrong and this isn't the problem with Sophie's husband. Maybe Sophie is right and her husband believes her affair was in some way his fault. Maybe this thought is bothering him. Personally, I don't think Sophie knows what's preventing her husband from attempting reconciliation, especially since he seems to enjoy spending time with her and the kids. Maybe she should try to figure out the problem before attempting to formulate a solution.

 

Marriage counseling seems like the wrong course of action. He wants a divorce and and he may see marriage counseling as some implicit agreement on his part to reconcile. She can ask, but she must not react badly to his answer. If she changes her behavior, then that may push him away.

 

She has achieved quite a bit and she does have a family. Her ex-husband and kids love her and they spend time together. She has salvaged a considerable amount and she should be grateful, instead of focusing on what she has lost. Anyway, if she does want to get her husband back, she almost certainly will have to be the sexual pursuer and she will have to accept all of the risks of rejection that come with the territory. I don't think she is mentally prepared for it. She's too scared to even ask him on a date. The worst thing he can do is say no. She should just accept any negative response in good stride and then maybe try something else later.

[anne1707]

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/02/23/opinion/sunday/when-doctors-need-to-lie.html?referrer=

 

Sofie read this excellent article it states that lying is more than necessary it's for the betterment of the individual.

 

That article has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with affairs though. Advising Sofie to lie is completely against all recommended approaches to reconciliation. The problem has been the lies. Truth is the only way out of this.

 

Are you basing your advice on real life experience of reconciling from an affair?

[KathyM]

Wow, I can't believe people are advising the OP to lie to her husband, or have a friend threaten him with a nasty divorce, or people claiming that infidelity is no big deal. Amazing.

[anne1707]

Denial may be the route for someone who does not care about or respect their spouse and wants to have sex with whomever suits them.

 

However Sofie wants a loving and full marriage with her husband. Denying the affair is utterly pointless and will do far more damage. Denial allows the pain and deceit to continue relationship after failed relationship. That is no life.