Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce

[HomanWater]

When we look back to the start of our journey we never expected to be in a place like this witnessing the total destruction of what took us so many dreams to create. How the f**k did any of us get to this place when we loved so deep? I can remember how proud I was as I watched her father walking her towards me in that church in St. Bruno, Quebec. I honestly can't remember ever feeling as lucky as I felt at that moment in my life. What bast*rdly twist of fate put me here, I never had a choice. Why Sofie did you make that choice when there were so many other choices that could have been made? Why wasn't your family more important to you at that time? Why is it so important now? Can you forgive yourself because you really need to work on you.

 

Funny thing that I got out of my infidelity experience, she keeps trying to find someone like me and she can't. What do you make of that?

 

Some don't realize what they had until they lost it. Then of course they want it back. But it's never a guarantee they will get it back. Some do, some don't. Some who don't maybe will get something else they love and maybe will learn a lesson for the next time.

 

Still a maybe though...

[Sofie2013]

It’s been awhile since I last posted. Last week and this week have been the hardest for me. I’m emotionally drained most of my time has been spent crying in my room and nothing seems to help. I just keep hoping things get better.

 

The divorce was made official yesterday. That also took a lot out of me and It didn’t help to see him so clam and ok with everything. It hurts me that much more. He also hasn’t spoken to me unless it’s about the kids.

 

Thanks for kind words they mean a lot.

[BetrayedH]

My sympathies, Sofie.

[Clay]

I am so sorry to hear that. I hope things will change for you.

 

Clay

[TobyBoy]

I'm sorry your hurting Sofie. Remember he's probably hurting worse, just putting on a brave face. Give him time and space to grief and heal, you also!

[anne1707]

Oh Sofie, I'm so sorry for you both. You are hurting as is your husband too. One way or another,you will find your way through this (((hugs)))

[sidney2718]

It’s been awhile since I last posted. Last week and this week have been the hardest for me. I’m emotionally drained most of my time has been spent crying in my room and nothing seems to help. I just keep hoping things get better.

 

The divorce was made official yesterday. That also took a lot out of me and It didn’t help to see him so clam and ok with everything. It hurts me that much more. He also hasn’t spoken to me unless it’s about the kids.

 

Thanks for kind words they mean a lot.

 

I'm really sorry. That's very sad. Because now the hard part starts -- as if what you've been through hasn't already been hard.

 

I could be very wrong, but I suspect that there are two things going on here. One was punishment. You were to be punished for your behavior. For some, that's the rule of the game. You have an affair, you get punished. That's been done or mostly done already.

 

The other thing is trust. I think that one of the major problems men have with their wives' affairs is that it kills trust. Now you are divorced. It is up to you to decide how to behave. I believe you said earlier that you were not going to date, at least originally. Instead you were going to be there for your children and wait for you husband. I think that's a good thing.

 

If you reach the point where you feel you have to date, I'd tell him first before you start. But doesn't that go against trust. No. Trust means that you are honest and that you obey the rules. There is no rule against dating when you are legally single.

 

But perhaps the most heartfelt advice I can give right now is to be strong. Make no new decisions right away. See how he behaves over the next few weeks and when you have to talk to him about the children. Don't use the kids as an excuse to call him, that will just annoy him.

 

Again, I'm sorry. I weep for you. Really.

[dragon_fly_7]

Wow all that fighting to get him back and previous hysterical bondings for nothing. My condolences Sophie and hope you're able to come stronger from this.

 

I've heard of worse stories about cheaters and yet, they don't get punish while those that are trying and truly have expressed remorse a bunch of times along with actions get the harsh treatment.

 

At this point, I wouldn't fight for him anymore. It's already over and all you have to focus on is the kids and make sure they don't know about this until they're old enough or unless they were to ask.

[sidney2718]

Wow all that fighting to get him back and previous hysterical bondings for nothing. My condolences Sophie and hope you're able to come stronger from this.

 

I've heard of worse stories about cheaters and yet, they don't get punish while those that are trying and truly have expressed remorse a bunch of times along with actions get the harsh treatment.

 

At this point, I wouldn't fight for him anymore. It's already over and all you have to focus on is the kids and make sure they don't know about this until they're old enough or unless they were to ask.

 

I understand your point of view, but I don't agree that it was for nothing. I think Sophie always knew that the chance was that the divorce would go through. It was a win for her husband. And some folks here including me feel that the husband needed a win.

 

From what has happened in the past, I don't think that he'd regard completely losing Sophie as a win. His brain might try to tell him that but I don't think his heart would. A reconciliation further down the line would be seen as a win for Sophie, but one that he'd allow her to win and that might appeal to his sense of virtue.

[BetrayedH]

Sofie expected the divorce and while it's going to be emotional, I don't see any reason for her to change strategy or think that her efforts have been for naught. Her actions were legitimately the right thing to do; she did the best that she knew to do. She can be proud of what she's done post-Dday and it's given her the best chance of reconciliation.

 

I also tend to think that her H may have simply been decisive about the divorce and figured he would see if she was still acting remorseful afterwards or if her actions were all just an act to try to do damage control and prevent the divorce. If she continues to act in the same fashion after the divorce as she did before, that may tell him that her remorse is true, rather than manufactured or selfishly motivated.

 

Sofie, I wouldn't change a thing.

[atreides]

I am going to agree with Betrayed H. I have always maintained that the D would go through but not their relationship. I do believe he will come around and go for a FRESH start.

[Sofie2013]

 

I could be very wrong, but I suspect that there are two things going on here. One was punishment. You were to be punished for your behavior. For some, that's the rule of the game. You have an affair, you get punished. That's been done or mostly done already.

 

The other thing is trust. I think that one of the major problems men have with their wives' affairs is that it kills trust. Now you are divorced. It is up to you to decide how to behave. I believe you said earlier that you were not going to date, at least originally. Instead you were going to be there for your children and wait for you husband. I think that's a good thing.

 

If you reach the point where you feel you have to date, I'd tell him first before you start. But doesn't that go against trust. No. Trust means that you are honest and that you obey the rules. There is no rule against dating when you are legally single.

 

But perhaps the most heartfelt advice I can give right now is to be strong. Make no new decisions right away. See how he behaves over the next few weeks and when you have to talk to him about the children. Don't use the kids as an excuse to call him, that will just annoy him.

 

Again, I'm sorry. I weep for you. Really.

 

 

 

 

I don’t think this has anything to do with any kind of punishment. I don’t see what he’s doing as he punishing me. When I saw him he looked fine, happy, clam and sure this is what he wanted.

 

I do agree with the trust part. I know one of the main reason why he won’t try to reconcile is broken trust. My husband was never one to trust people easily. It takes him a long time before he’s willing to trust anyone. My affair killed any trust we build with each other and I guess he doesn’t see any value in trying to rebuild it.

 

I won’t be dating anyone for foreseeable future it going to be awhile till I’m ready to date again and I don’t really want to be with anyone I much rather be by myself and continue working on becoming a better person and mother. I don’t think it really matter if I tell him I’m dating or not he wouldn’t really care.

 

I won’t use the kids as a way to speak to him. At this point I think he just wants to move on and that’s fine it’s his choice and I won’t be the one to hold him back. All I ask is us to be good co parents for our boys

[Sofie2013]

Wow all that fighting to get him back and previous hysterical bondings for nothing. My condolences Sophie and hope you're able to come stronger from this.

 

I've heard of worse stories about cheaters and yet, they don't get punish while those that are trying and truly have expressed remorse a bunch of times along with actions get the harsh treatment.

 

At this point, I wouldn't fight for him anymore. It's already over and all you have to focus on is the kids and make sure they don't know about this until they're old enough or unless they were to ask.

I wouldn’t say it wasn’t worth it. I don’t regret any of it. I always felt what we had was worth it. I wish it would have ended differently sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

 

Infidelity isn’t a one shoe fits all. No two people are the same and we all act differently. Some people are able to forgive other just can’t. My ex Husband is one of those people who can’t forgive. Although those who have been given the gift of reconciliation should cherish it.

 

That’s my plan right now. Too focus on becoming a better mother and person and trying to move on.

 

My ex and I both agreed to tell the kids unless they asked

[Sofie2013]

I had my interview today. It was very informal it was a very nice atmosphere. Although I wasn’t feeling my best it went pretty good. I was giving the job on the spot and I might start as soon as next week. So I do have some good news.

[whichwayisup]

Congrats on the job! That is good news.

 

Sorry to hear about how things have ended up but it really seems like you have a pretty good attitude towards everything.

[Sofie2013]

Congrats on the job! That is good news.

 

Sorry to hear about how things have ended up but it really seems like you have a pretty good attitude towards everything.

 

 

I’m trying to but I’m hurting like hell. I guess I’m trying to fake it till I make it.

[bwright42tx]

I had my interview today. It was very informal it was a very nice atmosphere. Although I wasn’t feeling my best it went pretty good. I was giving the job on the spot and I might start as soon as next week. So I do have some good news.

 

Congrats. I've lurked through your whole thread. I wish you the best!

[atreides]

 

Infidelity isn’t a one shoe fits all. No two people are the same and we all act differently. Some people are able to forgive other just can’t. My ex Husband is one of those people who can’t forgive.

 

First congrats on the job...

 

Second, I would not say he has not or even cannot forgive. One can forgive but still not want to try and reconcile. Forgiveness is just one of the variables, I just would hate for you to feel he was not able to forgive you. However, I still maintain he still loves you and somewhere in him which will surface in its own time is the urge to re-kindle that love. I could be wrong... but that is what my gut tells me.

[Raven3321]

Sophie,

 

Something doesn't add up to me. It seems like you're giving up when his actiions, at least as you've described them are perfectly normal in this situation. I'm obviously not there in your shoes, but from my vantage point, it merely seems he's riding the emotional roller coaster....one minute hot, the next cold. In fact he's acted this way a few times since you've been posting.

 

It seems the divorce itself has you looking at things differently. You knew the divorce was coming but of course it's a different animal altogether when it finallly comes. I've been through it and the finality is like a death. That doesn't mean the end of your relationship together. He obviously still loves you and that I'm sure hasn't changed in the last 2 weeks. I just think his cold/hot demeaner and the totality of everything in the last few weeks has you down and that's to be expected.

 

Pick yourself up, put on your big-girl panties, and ride this out. It isn't over yet. I do believe there may come a time when it's obvious things between you two are dead. However, that time is not now. I'd say in a few months if nothing changes, then maybe it's time to move on. Not now. Until his attitude towards you becomes consistantly cold, keep being the best "wife" you know how to be. I believe in miracles Sophie; and if a jaded bunch of male strangers on a board see in you a reformed and remorseful wife worth having, I believe your now ex-husband sees it too. Women's emotions are a very real part of any decision process you guys make. We men will fight our feelings tooth and nail and decide something completely different. He's fighting his feelings. He feels love but wants a sense of justice. I'm rambling now but I said all that to say, hang in there. This too shall pass.

[KathyM]

There's a good chance that he does forgive you or will be able to forgive you, but as another poster said, forgiveness does not always equate to reconciliation. For some people, cheating is a dealbreaker. Whether it be on principle, or because of broken trust that the BS feels would be too difficult to restore, or because they feel they can't/won't be able to deal with the mind movies or the thoughts of the betrayal preventing them from being able to feel bonded to their spouse again. Sometimes, the loss of respect for the WS after a betrayal is more than a BS believes they can move past. My point being that one can forgive, but also realize that they cannot continue the relationship. Because your husband decided that he cannot continue the relationship does not mean that he doesn't forgive you.

[janedoe67]

Sophie, I think the emotions, sadness, even "what's the point, it's over" feelings you are going through are normal. This became final (AKA REAL) only a few days ago. Of COURSE you are grieving. No one expects a BS to get over it and put on bigger panties after a few days.

 

Grieve, give yourself time, surround yourself with support. This may not be the end. It may be. YOU can still keep growing as a better Sophie.

[janedoe67]

There's a good chance that he does forgive you or will be able to forgive you, but as another poster said, forgiveness does not always equate to reconciliation. For some people, cheating is a dealbreaker. Whether it be on principle, or because of broken trust that the BS feels would be too difficult to restore, or because they feel they can't/won't be able to deal with the mind movies or the thoughts of the betrayal preventing them from being able to feel bonded to their spouse again. Sometimes, the loss of respect for the WS after a betrayal is more than a BS believes they can move past. My point being that one can forgive, but also realize that they cannot continue the relationship. Because your husband decided that he cannot continue the relationship does not mean that he doesn't forgive you.

 

This is a hard truth, but it is an important one. And think of it this way. If a BS does have the above misgivings and thoughts, it really isn't fair to EITHER of you to continue. Think about it, would they want to live in that kind of insecurity, and do YOU want to live "behind the 8 ball" for the rest of your life? I think it speaks to your husband's character that he did not decide to come back just so he could "make sure you never forget." There are BH's out there who DON'T have that kind of character.

[KathyM]

This is a hard truth, but it is an important one. And think of it this way. If a BS does have the above misgivings and thoughts, it really isn't fair to EITHER of you to continue. Think about it, would they want to live in that kind of insecurity, and do YOU want to live "behind the 8 ball" for the rest of your life?

The above is a good point. It's difficult for a WS to live in a relationship post DDay, even though you both may be working on reconciliation or in a limbo state where one or both partners are not sure what they want to do. The WS, after the infidelity is discovered, deals with the difficult task of rebuilding trust as well, the loss of love/esteem/respect/trust from the BS that naturally comes from a betrayal, and having to witness the pain and trauma that the BS experiences. This is a very difficult thing to go through for both partners. No doubt about that.

I think it speaks to your husband's character that he did not decide to come back just so he could "make sure you never forget." There are BH's out there who DON'T have that kind of character.

I don't think it's often that a person decides to reconcile because they want to torment their WS and "make sure he never forgets". That would be pretty rare. Most people are not martyrs or sadistic. They either decide to reconcile and work on the marriage because they feel they can move past it and believe the relationship can be salvaged, or they believe it can't be so they leave. It would be a pretty rare case that someone decides to stay in a marriage after infidelity for the purpose of having something to hold over the person for the rest of their life.

[KathyM]

This is a hard truth, but it is an important one. And think of it this way. If a BS does have the above misgivings and thoughts, it really isn't fair to EITHER of you to continue. Think about it, would they want to live in that kind of insecurity, and do YOU want to live "behind the 8 ball" for the rest of your life? I think it speaks to your husband's character that he did not decide to come back just so he could "make sure you never forget." There are BH's out there who DON'T have that kind of character.

Or are you implying that a man who does decide to stay and reconcile, but experiences mind movies, broken trust, loss of esteem/respect for a WS is somehow of poor character for having those feelings, which are, btw, normal feelings that usually result when an affair is discovered? I would hope you don't expect him to shut down all feelings and sweep the whole thing under the rug, just because he decides to stay and reconcile. While I agree that holding the infidelity over your spouse's head for life as some kind of weapon is destructive and unhealthy, there will naturally be negative feelings that result from infidelity which will take time to process and work through, and these feelings will likely continue for some time after the infidelity occurs. It takes a long time to heal a marriage after infidelity. A long time to rebuild trust.

 

 

But this discussion is getting into issues that are not, at this point, helpful to the OP. My only point in posting was to say that the OP's husband may very well have forgiven her or will be able to forgive her, despite the fact that he chose not to reconcile. I mentioned some of the reasons why a BS may have chosen not to reconcile, and it is not necessarily because they are unable to forgive. A person can forgive, but still choose not to reconcile.

[janedoe67]

I honestly do not think that BS's who keep it at the forefront for years and years are trying to be intentionally spiteful. I think it is very real fear, the fear that if they let go, it will mean it was "okay" or that if they drop their guard it will happen again. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. I know of only 2 cases where I really DO believe the BS is intentionally punishing, and in that case both FWS's make continual excuses for them, so they are making the choice to stay in it. They need their lifelong "mea culpa" and their BS needs the lifelong penance. It's weird and dysfunctional, both they both are participants.